Many people do not realize that after Timothy Leary’s “death” in 1996, Leary’s body was spirited away by freedom-loving entities from a parallel dimension, but his head was captured and subjected to a massive array of insidious CIA experiments before it escaped in 2001. His head is now the picture of vicious psychedelic insanity, suspended by little rockets where its neck once was. Until now, the existence of Leary’s head has been a closely guarded secret, as the CIA hoped it could eventually recapture Leary’s head for use as a weapon against terrorism. But now, it has become clear that the CIA’s plan has horribly backfired, as these excerpts from the LiveJournal of the floating head of Timothy Leary demonstrate.
April 2
Today I floated around my secret lair a lot. My secret lair is no Millbrook, that’s for sure. No huge piles of morning glory seeds in the attic. No naked hippie chicks to fetch my slippers and tell me I’m smart. Owsley does not respond to my coded messages sent via ham radio begging for a vat of the good stuff. I am truly alone. But not for long – oh no, not for long. My secret lair may be an abandoned dumpster behind a burned out Denny’s in a distant part of the Yukon today, but tomorrow – the California governor’s mansion will be MINE, I tell you, ALL MINE!!!!!!!!!
Current Mood: gleeful, maniacal vindictiveness
April 3
WTF??? I thought I understood the privacy settings of this miserable software, but no, apparently instead of publishing yesterday’s post just to my “friends list”, I posted it to my “friends plus G. Gordon Liddy list”, and now my dumpster has been RAIDED!!!! I barely escaped with my tattered copy of Info-Psychology gripped in my teeth. (It has sentimental value, as it is an autographed copy.) Liddy, when next we meet upon the lecture circuit, you can be sure I will not be the easy mark I once was – I will publicly accuse you of MALE PATTERN BALDNESS and THEN we’ll see who is the irrelevant Sixties relic with the upper hand!!!!
Current Music: “Legend of a Mind” by the Moody Blues
June 10
Today while waiting for my evil plans to come to fruition, I decided to catch up on some history. Naturally my first stop was the Timothy Leary web site, thinking that here I would learn what had become of my trusted cronies, my personal archives, and my important, ground-breaking work in understanding psychedelic consciousness. “Currently closed for renovation” – WTF????? My “personal website since 1992” – except, apparently, the period beginning shortly after my death when everyone decided to SPLIT FOR MEXICO WITH MY STASH???? I swear upon my stabilizing thrusters, Carlos, when I find you and that little trollop Melanie, I will make you wish you had never learned Front Page!!!!
Current Mood: I am going to tear your throat out with my teeth
July 13
Everywhere I turn, my enemies attempt to bait me. Why, just today, I was reading the Amazon reader reviews for Info-Psychology, and what should I see but a scathing zero star review by a so-called “concernedcitizen1776”, who writes: “Leary’s maddening babble should be relegated to the scrap heap of history. His undigested mish-mash of pseudo-science and cosmic gibberish is enough to give me a big ol’ stomach ache.” I KNOW THAT’S YOU, LIDDY! Rest assured, I will be sending Amazon a request for removal every moment of every day until they have TAKEN DOWN YOUR SLANDER! Oh, and what do I see here? Will: The Autobiography of G. Gordon Liddy, is it?? Let’s just see if your cocky slandering fingers can keep up with the relentless negative reader review posting of the floating head of Timothy Leary!!!! KISS YOUR SALES RANK GOODBYE, LIDDY!!!!
Current Music: “Legend of a Mind” by the Moody Blues
September 22
Today I released an important new motto to my underground legion of followers. I know it will soon capture the hearts and imaginations of a new generation: “Turn on, tune in, DESTROY THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT!!!!!!” The printer says if I remove a couple exclamation marks, I can save fifty dollars on the stickers, but I AM NOT FUCKING AROUND HERE!!!!!!
Current Mood: !!!!!!
October 9
So apparently despite all my predictions, no one really bothered to invent virtual reality. This really pisses me off. People, I have BOOKS IN PRINT on this topic, and apparently, you just skipped over virtual reality and went straight to remote control firing ranges and making a guy in a chicken suit dance around to promote fast food. I mean, I turn my back— excuse me, I turn my FLOATING HEAD OF DOOM—for just a few years, and the entire freaking Inter-Web goes to shit. In 1996, we didn’t have “pop-up windows” and “spyware”; all we had was the bright, gleaming promise of teledildonics. In 1996, we didn’t need “blogs” to tell us what was cool on a daily basis; we had Mondo 2000 telling us on a “whenever the fuck we feel like publishing” basis. In my day, we didn’t take 2-TC-special-G or some fancy new etceteramine to get us high; we had HUGE FUCKING SHITLOADS OF PURE ACID to keep us occupied. What the hell has happened to this planet? Who are you lazy ignorant nitwits who think the world is ending in 2012 and we’re all just going to ride into the singularity on a surfboard? If you want revolution, people, it’s TIME TO BE REVOLTING!!!!!
Current Music: “Legend of a Mind” by the Moody Blues
October 9
Oh hey, but this Desperate Housewives show is cool.
December 12
This may be my final entry until after my plan truly comes to fruition. I can feel the sickening, saffron-drenched breath of Liddy on the back of a neck I no longer possess. But he will be too late; they will all be too late. My pact with the entities was sealed today, and the ripple effect will be felt around the world. Soon, soon I will be returned to my rightful throne of glory. The protective magic that has long since kept me banished from Harvard has been dispelled, and now I must act quickly before they realize the depth of their mistake. I will return with a blaze of rocket-powered glory and remind them who is KING! I alone invented the Eight Circuit Model! I alone proved the value of the automatic typewriter! I alone converted the incredibly venerable Tibetan Book of the Dead into a tawdry pop-culture artifact – DO NOT LET THE BYLINE FOOL YOU, ALPERT WAS MY BITCH AND METZNER WAS AN INTERN!!!!!
Days later, the floating head of Timothy Leary was recaptured in a diner in Buffalo, and returned safely to CIA custody. His LiveJournal is being preserved as evidence in the federal case “LIDDY v. FLOATING HEAD OF TIMOTHY LEARY”.
