DOSE:

330 ug

insufflated

25B-NBOMe

(liquid)

BODY WEIGHT:

150 lb

Background: For longer than I can remember I was on anti-depressants and high blood pressure medication. The combination literally drove me crazy. My speech became broken and fragmented and my life was dominated by lustful impassivity. Deep down I knew the way I felt was not who I really was and I pursued many drugs in a subconscious attempt to self medicate. Eventually I gave up and accepted my psychosis. All my life faded away into a dull amnesic psychotic euphoria devoid of morality, color, taste, and smell. My life was lost - I was lost until a person found me one day to remind me of what I had forgotten. I was exposed to this chemical. The first experience was lackluster and shallow but enjoyable (500 ug) but the real magic happened when I came down. For the first three days I felt in control and at peace. These effects slowly diminished over about a week. So I tried self medicating which was destructive and irresponsible. I eventually gave up on that and began to research and figure out what was going on with my brain and what was going wrong. I realized the problem was my anti-depressant and blood pressure medication. It took me over 12 weeks of complete sobriety involving very unpleasant withdrawals and worsened psychosis to reset my brain chemistry and quit these meds. Eventually I was successful. I will not even touch these meds now. Then I had this experience.

Dose: Accurately weighed and dosed volumetricaly. 330ug were administered in distilled water via insufflation.

Experience:

0:00 Dose administered

0:01 First effects felt.

0:05 At this point the visuals are coming on strong and over the next ten minutes things accelerate rapidly.

0:20 It was as if god himself reached down and struck me on the head with a bolt of lighting. My ego was decimated and I exploded into an infinite number of pieces spread out over an infinite space. I ceased to exist. I was nowhere I was everywhere. There was no such thing as time or place.

0:45 At this point it's impossible to determine where I am and there is absolutely no connection with reality. I'm completely vulnerable and don't have any emotional barriers. I am listening to an old Grateful Dead set and the song Dire Wolf comes on. I hear the lyrics 'Don't murder me...' and I think of how psychologically vulnerable I am in this state. I feel like I'm in the middle of open heart surgery and completely at the mercy of the surgeon. I can't stop or change tracks. I've been abused and manipulated by destructive people in the past. I've learned that all people are selfish and to never allow other people into your subconscious because most will violently harm you for personal profit. I always attempt to apply this lesson to media and music. I'm afraid of the ideas I'm exposing myself to without discretion. It's too late though. I let go and am devoured by eternity and infinity.

1:00 Though I don't have a concept of me or place I can still remember the experience. There was so much detail and color, texture, and emotion. I experienced visuals yet they were not visual. They were infinitely complex combinations of experience visual, auditory, and olfactory all at once.

??? I am immersed in the music. Since I quit my anti-depressant and blood pressure medication the music I used to listen to seems simple and dull. I now listen to mainly older and classical music rather than main stream music. I'm noticing all of the details in the music. The Grateful Dead were truly performance artists. Listening to the commercial albums can't compare to live recordings. This music makes modern top 40 music seem like it was written by an infant. As the set continues it unfolds beautifully. I sill harbor fear of what I'm feeding my subconscious but it starts to seem as if I'm being cared for by compassionate artist. The music seems to take into account my emotions and vulnerability. The set evolves from humorous and flirtatious to deep and compassionate exploring deep and significant emotional issues. How can it be that these recreational drug users can be so emotionally open and sincerely aware of others experience while the millennium generation on their legal Prozac is so amoral, reckless, and manipulative.

3:00 The set is over and I try to walk around. The visuals are similar to a medium dose DMT trip now. This is scary. I feel like I'm being born.

A series of questions ensues:
What is this place? A room
What am I? A human
Do I have a name? Yes
What is my name? ***
...

The process continues in this manner as I slowly piece together my life. I experience everything as if it is new having to analyze and reintegrate every thing I perceive one thing at a time. I start of crawling on the floor and slowly relive my life from my first memory until present.

4:00 I know were and who I am by now. Things are warming up and the visuals are manageable. I decide to listen to the recording again to see how everything sounds now that I'm a little more conscious. I feel a sense of revelation and tranquility. I expected the music to poison my mind to manipulate and impregnate me with the lustful and shallow ideals of modern American culture. But it didn't, it was as if modern culture is selfish, black and white, and this music was in full color. It explored the shallow and jovial and slowly grew to be mature and deep. The song Ripple defines what I grasped as that deeper intent of the artist.

5:00 At this point I started to cry out of relief and joy that at some point people such as that existed. Then as reality sank in I started to cry for myself, for all the pain and isolation I've experienced. Despite my love for these chemicals and desperate desire to share the psychological liberation they can precipitate, American society has violently and punished me for the idea that people have a right to see the details if they chose. I don't use any drugs but psychedelics, I don't smoke, and stay away from hard drugs. I'm very peaceful and don't sell drugs. Furthermore I try as best I can to accept those with different perspectives and do what is moral and right regardless of perception barriers that may exist. I'm not going to go into details but these ideas and my choice to support these tools has put me in prison and jail on multiple occasions for victimless crimes. The social consequences have been devastating too. I have been on both side of the wall. I have seen life in black and white while doped out on Rx meds. I have also seen life in color free and sober. I have chosen color and sober with occasional psychedelic use. The consequences have been extreme. I was then crying from guilt and shame. I have been homeless and lived in luxury. I know what it means to be at rock bottom. A society can choose to be drugged by Rx meds and escape the undesirable consequences of a full spectrum of emotion but they also lose the benefits. But if I had to sacrifice half my life and live in poverty to experience all the pain and joy of existence in full detail I would. I made the decision to get off my prescription meds and be sober based on my observation of how medicated people behaved vs. how sober people behaved. I wanted to treat people the way the unmedicated people did. I cried for hours because I realized that when people are on some main stream medications the treat each other like crap and don't know it and when your on them it's impossible to remember what it's like to be sober. I cried for shame because I knew that I was helpless even with such a powerful tool to save people because of societal hypocrisy makes the consequences of sharing something like this devastating for all parties involved.

12:00 I slept soundly for hours.

Retrospective: On medication this chemical was not very potent for me and off medication 330ug was way too much. I am 100% confident of the molecular composition of the material used. People react differently but for me 330ug was a breakthrough experience. Physically I was fine but I was in another world for several hours. It's going to take me a long time to integrate this. Emotionally this has challenged me a lot and here's what I mean. I've read the term Grateful Dead comes from this story from Wikipedia:

'Grateful dead (or grateful ghost) is a folktale present in many cultures throughout the world. The most common story involves a traveler who encounters a corpse of someone who never received a proper burial, typically stemming from an unpaid debt. The traveler then either pays off the dead person's debt or pays for burial. The traveler is later rewarded or has their life saved by a person or animal who is actually the soul of the dead person; the grateful dead is a form of the donor.'

I feel this is the foundation of society. We must care for each other because we can not always care for ourselves and sometimes must depend upon others. When I was on medication a person came into my life to remind me of the reality that I had forgotten. He was beautiful, non-violent, and sincere. I am forever grateful. Society violently and mercilessly persecuted and destroyed this person's life. He didn't ever harm a single person. I have been so grateful for the favor I have attempted to do the same for others and had my life destroyed. The tragedy is that the very people who persecuted me later did not think their behavior was appropriate. But my life had already been destroyed. In the process I never found so much as a friend or community only persecution. I look back and see that I was successful in freeing my very abusers. Sadly by the time they had seen what they had done the damage to my life was irreversible. I desperately wish to show more people the details of life but am incapable at this point. I sacrificed my life to repay a debt and when I needed others there was nothing but more persecution and incarceration. The emotions exposed by this experience are very hard to integrate. I feel shame for American society because America is a part of me and I feel partial responsibility for the mass drugging of people. I feel guilt because I am no longer willing to be persecuted and sent to prison again for what I know to be right. I also feel sadness because I know after what I have experienced in American society I can never consent to participate in a black and white life knowing the consequences it has on others.

I feel like I'm the only person on dry land surrounded by drowning people and every time I reach out to save someone they drag me down and we both end up worse off. This has lead me to a life of extreme isolation for my own good and the good of others. All of this had been in my subconscious eating away at me until this experience.

So many tears for so many lost souls and no idea what to do.

Exp Year: 2012	ExpID: 100475
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 30
Published: Nov 9, 2013	Views: 4,875
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25B-NBOMe (564) : Alone (16), Difficult Experiences (5)