DOSE: T+ 0:00	5 seeds	oral	H.B. Woodrose	(ground / crushed)
T+ 0:10	5 seeds	oral	H.B. Woodrose	(ground / crushed)

BODY WEIGHT:

110 kg

I have had several psychedelic experiences; I wouldn't say I was a veteran by any means, but when I was younger I enjoyed going with friends to the local outdoor raves ('bush-doofing') and I had enjoyed several batches of acid, mushrooms, DMT, DOB and mescaline.

I recently had a very positive experience using HBWR seeds. I had been suffering from serious depression for about 18 months after having to move to a new city to continue my studies. My GF was extremely supportive, but the new sense of isolation from family and friends, along with an inability to obtain part time work, was taking its toll on the both of us. As I am a scientist, I started to collect data on my depressive moods, concerned that I was developing a possible personality disorder. I was experiencing very periodic 'lows' (what we came to call my 'black dog' days, borrowing the term from Winston Churchill), the worst of which would have me thinking about death, suicide and the misery of not being able to take that route because of the people who depended on me. I gained weight and stopped taking care of my appearance. I averaged about 4-5 hours sleep every night. I brewed hard liquor at home and drank heavily, mainly because I was unable to obtain weed. It had been a long time since I felt enjoyment in anything I did.

Then we had a week that was more stressful then any we'd had since moving. Our lease was up, the landlords were raising the rent, and we had about a week to decide to re-sign, or more preferably, find a better place, out of the ghettos and closer to our university. But our half-dozen applications were all turned down and, heads bowed, we had to re-sign. That day, we arrived home just in time to find our neighbouring apartment had just been filled, with an enormous extended family with about 4 screaming kids. My anger and frustration threatened to overwhelm me, and the next day was filled with a reoccuring thought: 'I am a broken man'. Just that phrase, repeating over and over in my head.

On the way home, I passed a small party-herbs shop, and decided I desperately needed some perspective. I had purchased HBWR seeds from this chain a few years before, and had had a very mild but pleasant trip after eating about 4 seeds. I bought a bag of 10 seeds and went home.

At about 7:00pm, I decided to get started. I used pliers to crush 5 seeds into a fine powder, skins and all. I knew of the nausea-causing glycosides present in the skin, but I have never been greatly effected by nausea and couldn't be stuffed getting the skin off. I poured the dust onto a spoonful of the bolognaise we were having for dinner and ate it: not only did the food disguise the taste of the seeds, but the oils of the meat would allow for better absorption in my stomach. After about 10 minutes, I decided that I wanted a strong trip, and a quick search had me repeating the process on the remaining 5 seeds. Another spoonful of delicious seed-bolognaise, and I was ready to roll.

As I was waiting for the trip to begin, I put on an old episode of Babylon 5 for fun and got comfortable. About half way into the episode I began to feel something. I was very relaxed, and every so often I would feel a shiver of energy run up my spine. I found myself grinning like an idiot at the sensation, and the characters on the screen were taking on a very slight 3 dimensional appearance.

Pretty soon I was sure the trip was about to begin in full, and I wasn't really that keen to start it off while watching bad alien special effects. I got up and quickly made up a playlist of psy-trance and trip-hop music, and let it play while I took a hot shower.
Ahh! Bliss! The shower has always been my favourite place to relax and think clearly, and as the music played I automatically began having an internal dialogue with myself, thinking about all the reasons I had been so depressed. I grabbed the loufer and proceeded to scrub myself all over, in an almost ritualistic cleansing. As I did, I came to see that I had been so self-obsessed in my depression, I hadn't noticed myself getting buried in what I saw as the trappings of entropy; I had put on weight, I had let my muscle go, I had stopped experiencing new things, I was only concerned in filling the void that I had created when I had left my old life behind.

I got out of the shower, dried, and fumbled in the dark of my bedroom for my most comfortable clothes, an old shirt and fishermens pants that I always wore when I had psychedelics. My tactile senses were enormously magnified. I found the sensation of my bare feet on the carpet was almost ecstatic. I spent about 10 minutes just swaying in the dark to the music, running my hands over the polished timber of my furniture. I was having definite closed-eye visuals at this stage, and as I continued my therapeutic internal dialogue, I watched flashing dragons of colour shoot across my field of vision in time with the music.

At this stage, I realised I was very thirsty, so I went downstairs. Navigating the stairs was a slow process; the bannister was the most intensely textured object I'd ever held and I didn't want to stop running my hands along it. My GF was on the couch playing a video game, and I came and sat with her for a bit. We chatted for a while, and I became fascinated at the intricate latticework of the weave of my shirt. Amazing to consider the huge amount of work that goes into the manufacturing of a simple, cheap piece of clothe; all the individual threads being painstakingly woven together. I almost felt overwhelmed by this thought, and I'm sure I was babbling about it for a while. Eventually I went back upstairs to the music, to get back to that magic state I was in before coming downstairs, but the moment was over. The first stage of the trip, what I call the 'melt' stage, was over.

It was about 11:00pm now, and I was feeling quite cold and more than a bit tired. It had been days since I had had proper sleep. I went and curled up on the couch, laying on a pillow between my GF's legs. I put my headphones in and closed my eyes, listening to slow, thrumming electronica and watching the closed eye visuals. These were mostly mild light shows; whenever I'd open my eyes I was startled by the intense sharpness to the edges of shadows, and the lights in the house felt very bright. I lay there for about an hour, dozing, thinking and relaxing. Eventually my GF said she was going to bed, this was about midnight, and I decided I'd go too, thinking I'd get back up later if I felt like it. Tucked up under the thick warm blankets, I was comfortable and filled with a strong sense of contentment. We lay next to each other, holding hands like a couple of kids. I felt at peace with much of the things in my life, and knew that I would take steps to work out the things I needed to work out. My thoughts ran slow and long, and the second stage of the trip, the 'dissolve' stage, was about complete.

I remained awake for hours, in a sort of semi-conscious fugue. I became dimly aware that I could no longer form coherent thoughts; the words in my mind would jumble, and I could see the words in front of me, scattered and out of place. My entire field of vision was full of geometric patterns; small fractal diamonds, pulsating stars, strange mosaics of light. Occasionally I would get up to use the toilet; it was these moments that I would coalese back into my body and briefly realise my disassociative state. This is the final stage of the trip, the 'particle' stage. Eventually I slipped into unconsciousness.

The next morning at about 8:00am, GF woke me up. I felt very groggy, and of course very tired, but the sense of peace and that things would be alright remained. I came downstairs and had a hot cup of herbal tea. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I had a very out-of-character surge of emotion. I found myself crying for the first time in years, great shuddering sobs as I poured out months and months of guilt, grief and regret. GF, puzzled, hugged me quietly until I stopped, and exhausted, I headed back up to bed and slept like a baby.

Since then, life has changed for the better. I allowed myself to mourn and let go of the life I left behind, and to begin rebuilding the man I was. If taken with the right philosophy in mind, psychedelics are excellent therapeutic agents. Before this trip, I was a broken man, my mind filled with cracks and flaws. The stages of the trip; the melt, the dissolve and the particle, are processes that break down a broken mind, and from the granular 'particle' state of disassociation, the mind can be reforged, whole and strong.

Exp Year: 2013	ExpID: 101015
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 29
Published: Jun 5, 2020	Views: 2,138
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H.B. Woodrose (26) : Depression (15), Hangover / Days After (46), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1), Alone (16)