BODY WEIGHT:

150 lb

Convulsions, seizures, paramedics, and lies is what my life has consisted of for almost a year. Permanent scarring from intravenous drug use. Shooting cocaine. I learned my lesson so well. I never got to the point of overdosing, although I don't know how I didn't. My husband chose not to learn as quickly as I did. Instead, time and time again, he lied about everything, then would get angry when I found him in a lie. He overdosed...several times. Paramedics have been at my home at 2am, he has permanent scars from injuries during the overdoses. The trust in our relationship was gone. I don't leave my children with him for fear they would have to see what I have. I know all the tattletale signs...the cup of water, the spoon, the filter cut off the cigarette, even the moods and voice pitch. I used to love coke...sometimes still wish I did, snorting it anyway. But after shooting it and seeing what I saw, I have no desire for it whatsoever. It makes me sick to think about it, I know its what almost made me lose it all.

The first few times we shot coke, it was good...real good. But, just like in the song, a little wouldn't do it...that little got to be more and more...til it was an every night thing, it was all we thought of. We both looked like shit and felt like shit. Our friends knew, even one of our kids figured it out during an overdose. We almost lost it all, you get that one good high the first time, but you will NEVER get that same high again. Instead, you can die trying to get it.

We're not on the streets, looking at us you wouldn't believe this, until you saw our arms, our legs, then you would know its true. Coke is an easy trap for anyone to fall into, anyone. It's not near as easy to get out of, and you become addicted before you even realise it. True, I'm not sure that craving ever goes away, if it does, it takes longer than months. A few months ago, a friend and his current girlfriend came by...wanting to know where they could hook up...that day, they had a few bruises from the needles, and that hungry look in their eyes...I saw them a couple of days ago, they had the scars, they both looked like death itself, the same wasted blank look in their eyes. They both were really pathetic...then I realise I was the same not long ago.

What you gain from cocaine....a good rush you'll always look for. What you lose from cocaine....a lot of money, all you own, trust you once had, your physical self...there's all types of infections that comes with needle use...your emotional self...sooner or later you can't care about anyone or anything but that...your mental self...there are such things as flashbacks, they only last a few seconds, but they are real...your spiritual self...are you really you when you're on a cocaine high, or are you a fake?

You never really recover from seeing someone overdose, you can block it out. Then at other times, it comes crashing in my mind and screws up the whole day. Sometimes I wake up at night, shaking from the nightmares of what I've seen. I have to say, snorting a couple lines a day is good, no effects. But shooting it is a one-way street to hell, from where not many come back.

Exp Year: 2000	ExpID: 1013
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Feb 4, 2001	Views: 15,949
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Cocaine (13) : Unknown Context (20), Overdose (29), Addiction & Habituation (10), Retrospective / Summary (11)