DOSE:	1.5 mg	oral	Pharms - Alprazolam	(pill / tablet)
	1 mg	sublingual	25I-NBOMe	(blotter / tab)

BODY WEIGHT:

160 lb

Previous experiences: Marijuana, LSD, LSA, Molly, DXM (mostly positive). This was my first experience with 25i or anything from the NBOMe series.

Psychological Background: In therapy to deal with being anxious-avoidant stemming from trust issues and childhood abuse.

Set: Woke up a bit hungover from alcohol and marijuana the night before. Was suicidal, feeling distant, and feeling impulsive, had nothing planned for the day.
[Note: This was an extremely bad time to take drugs.]

Setting: My room, lovely sunny day.

I kept a notebook which I wrote in during the trip. Following the description are the unedited contents. After the second page I forgot to write down what time it was.

Description of Experience:

It was a mess. I think I seriously considered suicide about once an hour, when I realized nothing had a point. Visuals were strong and consistent. I visited a friend early on in the trip and her cats kept changing colors to the point where it was distracting and kind of annoying. I was crying so much I felt that I was wet all over and covered in sea water. My friend told me to lay on her bed and I cried telling her I didn't want to get it wet, at which point she looked at me funny and we watched a comedy TV show (Parks and Rec).

I kept taking the drama of the show way too seriously and I started talking about deep issues with my friend. She actually started crying and opened up to me about an issue in her past. Then she had to leave for a flight so I went back to my apartment. Still continued to go through cycles of being happy and suicidal. Called my boyfriend several times but he was mad at me and drunk. Talked with an old best friend on the phone for 2 hours. Talked with a boyfriend from 8 years ago on the phone for about 2 hours also. Talked with my best friends boyfriend for about 30 minutes. Connecting with these people made the suicidal thoughts stop, and I basically had therapy sessions with all of them.

The best visuals were the synesthesia, where I could see objects or sounds as words instead of objects or sounds. I would look at a chair and I would see the word chair instead of a chair, if that makes sense. I saw dancing Aztec men everywhere, false cartoon butterflies swirling, and heavy fractaling when I looked outside at nature.

Out of all the drugs I took, I think 25i gives the most control over my hallucinations. They are very much 'out there' and not in your mind, so they don't cause me to have doubts about reality. At no point was I unaware of what was actually happening around me. Everything had massively long trails and if I stared at something there would be many layers of it kind of like a double exposed photograph. At one point I could write words and FEEL them.

Boyfriend came to visit later in the night, he was drunk and on vicodin. We had a fight. I wasn't tripping anymore but still sensitive to emotion and cried a lot. We made up, and I talked about many of my feelings. (Something I had been working on.)

Days after, the positive effects still linger. Lifted mood, increased trust of the world, less fearing for my safety, less paranoia, more openness with friends and boyfriend. Overall, the trip was a mess, but some of the realizations and processes I went through were extremely life-improving, even if they were painful. The way I look at this experiences is years of therapy in one day. It was painful - like therapy often is - but the rewards were great. I will continue to go to therapy and obviously disclose all of this to my therapist. I have new found hope in life and have started to accept that not everyone is out to get me.


Unedited Notebook Writings :

[page 1]

Took xanax + 25i at 10:15

10:30 - feeling negative/sad/suicidal. thinking it would be better if i just died in my sleep.
10:36 - can't stop crying.
I HAVE NO DEFECTS
------------
10:42 tongue numb
FIRST TIMES ARE SACRED
10:45 - Jaw Shaking
Ideal if i had never been born?
10:47 - everything is way
11:00 - HIGH AS FUCK
feels so good to cry and be honest about my suicidal nature.
Do drugs help me? Am I getting better?

[page 2]
Am I where I wanted to be 3 years ago?
11:57 - I can see words. [Squiggly lines]
I don't know you, I'm afraid, because I don't even remember why I need to be afraid. I don't feel safe. If the little monster got everything it wanted, it would eat the whole world. Why don't I think about my feelings when I'm sober?

[page 3]
I LOVE me. [LOVE is circled and emphasized]
I've always been here. It's still me. Everything
Is the new identity for protection? time to think? escape? Who am I really? 7 year old me. She only needed to be loved. She faded.

[page 4]
So what I am (which is left over)
is either
a) a shell
b) an ego hedonist
---------------------
LOVE HAS BOUNDARIES
I can't understand it b/c
a) humans are meant for reproduction
b) I AM ON DRUGS.

[page 5]
[On page 5 I wrote these feelings/words in order to 'feel' them. They are scattered on the page.]

Commitment/Honesty
mutual understanding
100%
feeling safe
forgiveness -> affection
touching
closeness
can say anything
romance
FIRST IMPRINT
settle for less

[page 6]
WHAT I REALLY WANT

A Dog

[Page 7]
If I want to get better I have to make an effort and not just get by on life.

[page 8]
I am playing a game of who I want to me.

[Page 9 contains drawings, some are pretty good, most are too messy.]

[Page 10]
Being Alive hurts -> 'Drive to thrive'
if it wasn't hard, would you still do it?
Probably.
This doesn't explain why being alive hurts.

[End of notebook]

Exp Year: 2013	ExpID: 101324
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 23
Published: Oct 6, 2014	Views: 28,851
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