DOSE:	repeated	oral	Alcohol
	repeated	smoked	Cannabis
		insufflated	Unknown
	1 hit	smoked	DMT

BODY WEIGHT:

160 lb

I’ve had many really intense experiences of consciousness in this lifetime, both with and without drugs. Probably the most interesting of these are the hundred or so out of body experiences which I’ve encountered. That is, experiences where one loses awareness of the body yet conscious awareness persists. Many years ago, after a number of such experiences induced primarily with entheogens such as DMT and Ayahuasca, I became motivated to pursue out of body experiences induced from a sober state. After about a year of concentrated research and practice, I became able to do so regularly. I became able to consciously disconnect awareness from my body from a sober state and yet continue to move (without a physical body), to think, to be.

Out of body experiences induced from a sober state tend, for me, to be commonly rooted in what we know as normal reality. I still see things in my environment, like my room or my house, still maintain my sense of self and ability to think, yet am also able to do things like fly, teleport, and move through walls. I no longer have a body, only a roving consciousness. Conversely, chemically-assisted out of body experiences have largely taken place on other mental planes. Such experiences can vary dramatically from one to the next, but generally my consciousness is propelled somewhere completely different. I maintain my ability to think and remember who I am, but have no sense of familiarity with my environment. In some cases these environments are akin to normal waking reality, just in different and unusual places such as an unknown factory, or a strange theatre. Most times though, these experiences occur in worlds that are completely foreign to me. Endless fields of morphing geometric shapes give way to alien worlds that sometimes contain highly intelligent consciousness entities. The most intense of these experiences result in ego death, no more sense of self or even ability to remember. Sometimes I’ve pursued these experiences for purely spiritual and/or therapeutic purposes, other times motivations were less noble, more recreational, intoxicating.

All of these experiences, however, share some common characteristics. They are incredibly vivid, often times feeling much more real even than ‘reality’. They nearly always begin the same way, with a massive energy surge in my chest. The energy expands and accelerates until it explodes out of my head and devours my entire body. I attribute this to the chakras (energy centers) in the body bursting open and flooding me with pure unbridled energy. It feels incredibly pleasant; it feels like warmth, love, conscious intelligent vibrating energy. Entheogens such as mescaline, psylocibin, LSD, and to some degree even MDMA have also facilitated for me these same feelings, though I’ve never lost awareness of my body while interacting with [only] them.

This brief background is meant only to provide context for the experience described below, one whose sheer intensity far exceeded anything in my conscious memory before or since. What follows is by far the most powerful, bizarre, ineffable, significant experience of my life.

I’d gone out drinking after work for a coworker’s last day. I'd had perhaps nine drinks, and was most certainly feeling it. Afterwards, I came home and was hanging out with two friends. We continued drinking, starting smoking bowls, and did a few lines. We began passing around the DMT pipe. After a few rotations around the circle over the course of an hour or so, I loaded a particularly large bowl of DMT, one of my largest ever. Friend #1 smoked first but only put a minor dent in the huge bowl. As I took my hit and sat down the pipe, I remember Friend #1 saying that he wished he could take hits so massive, indicating that my hit was exceptionally large, which I’m certain it truly was. I use a freebase pipe which facilitates incredibly dense hits. My usual routine is to hold the flame under the bowl for a few seconds until it erupts in smoke, take a massive rip, then carefully and quickly place the pipe down beside me before laying back on the bed and closing my eyes. After that I simply let go and open myself as completely as possible; the ability to do so being the result of much experience.

As memory serves, I had a typical (yet incredibly powerful) DMT trip. As per usual in these very powerful experiences, letting go is utterly essential, absolutely required. Letting go of everything, accepting death, no fear. The alternative is panic; as you struggle, often in vein, to resist. To me, one of the less desirable aspects of this ultimate-letting-go is the frequent requirement to let go even of the ability to remember. The conscious intensity of these experiences is inherently ineffable. Such was the case in this instance. I quickly became immersed in 360 degree morphing geometric fractals which gave way to indescribably alien environments which are something totally different before I am become able to fully comprehend them. I lost awareness of my body for a few minutes and then returned with virtually no memory of the bulk of the experience, only fleeting memories as if from a strange dream, and lingering feelings of an oddly pleasant, mysteriously familiar energy. Typical. I don’t mean to downplay the significance of these types of experiences, but compared to what followed it just doesn’t feel noteworthy.

Some time later, minutes I think, I was sitting on the bed, listening to music, talking about something or other. I had not taken another hit, not done anything. Suddenly, out of nowhere, an overwhelming energy, all of the sudden, no choice. It felt like the G force of taking off in a rocket ship at the speed of light. Literally blasting off into orbit. It happened so suddenly, out of nowhere, and it came on immediately... with such utter intensity. Not a moment's warning, no question, no time to react. It's as if someone just pops into existence in front of you out of thin air and unfeelingly, matter-of-factly, without any warning, states 'well, now this is happening' and in an instant you are swirling down an impossibly powerful whirlpool, drowning in an ocean of incomprehensible immensity. Crushing pressure raining down from all directions, sound rapidly gaining loudness, lights rapidly becoming brighter and brighter and brighter, paralleled by a loud ringing which drowns out anything I dared to think I might know. This same energy felt so many times before during meditation and drug usage, but multiplied by a million. This is far beyond anything I’ve ever known. I’m momentarily overcome with fear, my adrenaline surges.

My friends recognized it, it was something totally unexpected, totally unforeseen. For a moment I resisted in a desperate attempt to communicate with those around me. I believed that they perceived what was happening to me and were as freaked out as I was. They somehow recognized the intensity of it but didn’t know what to do, neither did I. I desperately tried to reach out to them but all I could get out were millisecond long syllables.. “a.”..”st”.. during fleeting periods of some semblance of self. I have a vague memory of Friend #2 repeating to me “Are you good man?” I tried hard to say “no”. Words were impossible. I could not possibly resist this thing. I had no comprehension of what this completely alien, insanely INTENSE thing was that was currently happening. I'd done massive amounts of DMT literally hundreds of times. Nothing ever like this.

I fought it for as long as I could, which couldn’t have been more than a couple seconds. I knew I had to let go of everything, of my sense self, fearlessly just embrace it. I had to trust it with everything, whatever it was. This mysterious thing that was happening to me was something incredibly powerful, incredibly meaningful; something so profound that it would fundamentally alter the way humanity viewed reality. My only option was to EMBRACE it. There was nothing else, relax and completely give in to this unknown destroyer of worlds. Accept this, and know that there's no coming back. There’s no way that could ever be possible.

I remember red and white Mayan type patterns fractalling and expanding, overtaking my awareness. I had no control. Before I knew it, “I” was nonexistent. I recall opening myself, my chest, my jaw to this unlimited amazing energy. My head flooded open. Awareness of the body faded as any sense of 'me' exploded into nothingness. Reality melted away and all that was left was an extraordinary vivacity. There was no longer distinction between my mind and the external world. No longer any sense of self, just an indescribably vibrant, pulsating, overpowering intensity of being.

This unfathomably powerful, conscious, intelligent, alien *thing* had completely overwhelmed ‘me’. The intensity came in quick waves, several times per second. For a short time I regained brief moments of... some kind of awareness. Who am I and what the fuck is happening? My movements were jerky, coinciding with the energy pulses. Eyes wide open, my mind blow. All sense of who I was or what this world was or anything, everything, gone. I’ve accepted my death now, there's no going back after this. I understand this on a very deep level, there’s just no way. What the fuck is this thing, why here, why now, why ME, what is this, what does it mean?

Now no ability to even THINK. No knowledge of who or what I am. No questioning 'hmm what is this?’ Just gone.. completely, utterly, gone. Nothing but intense pulsing energy. Oh My God! OH MY FUCKING GOD. This is beyond death, beyond the death experience. I still believe that, even now, 100%. This is something completely different. The energy was overwhelming, so intense, so real. In this reality everything which had happened in my life was insignificant, a farce; a meaningless dream from which I had now awoken. Everything I’d ever known was all leading up to this specific moment, this one intense instant.

There’s never been anything more real, nothing before that moment mattered, never would matter. No thoughts of the past. What past? It was so insignificant, all just preparation for THIS moment. In this infinite moment I really experienced the love, pure consciousness, which overcame quickly any perception of reality. Overwhelming love... pulsating, electric, intelligent, paralyzing, strangely alien.. love. It seemed to last a lifetime.

The next hour or so was a blur, the memory largely eludes me. My friends have been too freaked out to ever talk much about what happened, despite my repeated and persistent attempts. They did say that I was in a trance, somewhere else. I apparently spoke to them at times, speaking words they didn't understand. I danced. Apparently I had pissed myself, though it was dry before I could realize it. Mostly though, I just lay on my bed, wriggling around, arching my back, moving my head in circles, as this intensely powerful, intensely pleasurably energy coursed through my body. The words “embrace it” repeated over and over. As I guided the energy around my body and it felt amazingly fulfilling, unfathomably orgasmic. Embrace it, feel it, love it.

Sometime less than an hour later, I first began to regain some sense of self. The first thing I remember clearly is Friend #2 trying to hand me a glass of water. I stared at him blankly, not understanding what was happening. I realized that I had just said 'no', but it wasn't me. Just like that, I was back, so happy to be back. But things were not the same, imaginary, fake, somehow alien. Something is different, even now.

The very first thing I did was call for my dog to come to me, which he did. At the time this action was steeped in meaning. When coming back to life, the first thing, the most important thing, was love. Manifesting that love for my dog, him manifesting it back. I hugged him, kissed him, as I smiled with pure bliss. It was all about love, I felt that this moment would be remembered, talked about for centuries to come.

I felt a sense of guilt for putting my friends through that, not that I had a choice. I tried my best to apologize, and to somehow explain the experience which I’d just been through. They didn’t understand, how could they? I have been in their shoes, on the other side of this situation, and know well the feelings of powerlessness, distress, responsibility. Several times in my past I’d had close friends lose all grasp on reality for extended periods, both with and without drugs. In most cases these states last hours, though I have seen them last months or even lifetimes. Still, I do not believe that any of them ever encountered anything quite like this. It’s hard for me to believe that, hard for me to believe that anyone else could possibly survive something like this and ever come back, ever be normal again. But then again, I did… or seem to have.

In the weeks and months since the event, experiences in my daily life have sparked memories of what happened. I see or hear something, and like from a dream, it triggers a memory from this experience which causes me to feel and re-experience it with brilliant lucidity. Even just reading this document really takes me back. I have jotted down fragmented memories and feelings over time, finally compiling them into this cohesive narrative.

I’ve had many so-called crazy experiences in this lifetime. I’ve communicated with alien entities, visited alternate realities so incredibly divergent from our own, experienced colors and feelings exponentially more real than what most others will ever know, experienced technology and worlds far beyond my feeble understanding. I’ve levitated my consciousness out of my body, flown through the ceiling, viewed my house and my city with a full awareness detached from my body. But this, my God, nothing like this. No other experience has shown me how little we truly understand about consciousness and reality such as this.

Reality now is a mere shadow, a discarded and forgotten dream compared to what I'd experienced. I've not touched DMT in the nine months since this experience. Frankly, I'm scared as hell. Even seemingly innocuous experiences like getting a vaccination have resulted in fairly intense mini flashbacks of this experience. I believe my psyche is fundamentally changed.

How do I integrate this experience into my life? How do I make any kind of sense out of what just happened? HOW DO I KNOW THAT IT’S REALLY EVEN OVER? This question lingers in my mind.

Exp Year: 2013	ExpID: 103784
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 28
Published: Feb 7, 2021	Views: 3,846
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OBE (332), Endogenous (86), DMT (18) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Train Wrecks & Trip Disasters (7), Retrospective / Summary (11), Combinations (3)