DOSE:

200 mg

oral

MDMA

BODY WEIGHT:

175 lb

I had met Zach, Rob, and Jeff in a winter semester at university after Rob and I had a physics laboratory together. My psychedelic experiences thus far were with low, medium, and high (1, 3, and 6 grams) doses of psilocybin. All of these experiences were very pleasurable and I considered myself to be a curious explorer of my own consciousness. Fortunately these guys were open and intelligent – and willing to share their LSD.

It was the beginning of June and I'd arrived at Zach's cottage. Shortly after we arrived we were met by some of their friends from high school, Kathleen, Jen, Samantha, Kevin, and Bill. We spend the first evening getting comfortable in the cottage. It was a very typical social experience – smoking cannabis and drinking alcohol – we were all hanging on to our insecurities and minding our lack of inhibition – we were close but we weren’t open. I appreciate this fact only in hindsight.

The next morning I ingested 200 micrograms of LSD with Rob and Jeff. Zach took 10 grams of (wet) mushrooms. We spent the day outside, swimming in the lake, canoeing to islands – I marvelled at the beauty of nature. I felt fantastic. I was floored by the complexity of my setting – it was a jungle. I recognized that the country I live in (Canada) was one of the last great expanses of natural wilderness on Earth. I picked up a large stick and swung it around to amuse Rob, Zach, and Jeff. I told them “we’re just apes”. We laughed.

The next day was pleasant. I was socializing with everyone and doing my best to be self-aware. We were drinking beer and smoking cannabis. I was physically tired from my increase in physical activity and the sun exposure but my mood was very positive. Around 9 PM I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up at 11:30 PM when Samantha came in the back door, followed by Rob and Jeff. They had been hanging out by the fire pit roasting marshmallows. Rob and Jeff had also ingested MDMA. Samantha had not because she was taking antipsychotic and antidepressant medication. Everyone else was asleep.

Rob is very intelligent but also very emotionally driven, and had been trying to convince me to take MDMA before. I was hesitant. In the past I convinced myself that MDMA would not be useful to me – presumably because I already knew everything there was to know about myself and therefore I knew what was good for me. I was trying to preserve my ego – the sense that I am in control; which of course is an illusion.

After I woke up I felt very rested and calm. I was not overly full or very hungry. My mood was positive and I wanted to socialize with Rob and Jeff. I’m not sure what contributed to my lack of fear and inhibition – but I asked Rob if I could take some MDMA. I wasn’t familiar with typical doses of this drug but I trusted Rob and he said to me: “take point two.” I ingested 200 milligrams of MDMA and sat down on the couch with Samantha. Rob and Jeff were sitting in some of the chairs. Kathleen had woken up and after she heard that I had taken MDMA she asked about it. Rob and Jeff convinced her to take some. She took half the dose I did.

I was sitting on the couch maintaining an awareness of the sensations in my body and the contents of my consciousness. I was not anticipating anything – I was extremely relaxed and happy. Then I felt a rushing feeling in my chest when I inhaled – and again when I exhaled. It was exhilarating. I knew something was coming but I still did not appreciate how profound it would be.

Forty minutes later I was rolling. Serotonin and dopamine were coursing through my brain. I felt completely unafraid. My insecurities had melted into a puddle on the floor where I had previously been sitting on the couch. I was detached from them. The motivational feeling from the dopamine and the lack of fear made it possible for me to face the problems in my life that were typically too painful to examine in any serious detail at any one time. I had learned more about myself as my experience broadened with age and I had been practicing Mindfulness meditation to gain more insight into who I was over the past two years – but my emotional problems and my insecurities always seemed to lurk primarily below the surface like an iceberg. Now they were naked and exposed – and I was unafraid.

I was completely open. Dishonesty – even the slightest white lie – felt like a silly transgression. I was honest. I was empathic. I felt like Buddha. Rob asked me “does this look like a rave scene to you?”. He pulled me aside and asked me if I wanted to hear some things about his life. Wide-eyed I said “of course”. He told me about his high school friend committing suicide and how his mother had been diagnosed with cancer but was in remission. We bonded.

Taking MDMA left me with a profound impression of the possible range of human experience. I realized that it was possible to have experiences with other people that were very different from what I was used to having. MDMA showed me my potential for empathy and love and honesty and courage. It made me appreciate how much time in life I waste worrying instead of doing. I am a better person for having done it.

Exp Year: 2014	ExpID: 103936
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 25
Published: Feb 14, 2023	Views: 283
[ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
MDMA (3) : Glowing Experiences (4), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), First Times (2), Small Group (2-9) (17)