DOSE:

20 mg

oral

4-AcO-DMT

(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

196 lb

My use of drugs is pretty sparse, LSD a couple times, mushrooms once, marijuana on and off, but that was 20 years ago. My interest has been renewed due to the work on psychedelics to heal PTSD.

I've had issues with generalized and social anxiety since I was very young and have started to experiment with psychedelic substances in an attempt to glean some insight as to why I am the way I am, after traditional therapy over several years yielded no answers.

This was my third time using 4-Aco-DMT, the first being a 7mg allergy test, the second a 14mg oral dose in water. The first two times were uneventful other than some auditory hallucinations (ticking sound of hot water escaping under pressure from a pipe) and a strange 'bloooooop!' sound like a big glob of syrup dripping into a vat of water. Unfortunately those two times didn't reveal anything interesting other than how my body reacted to the dosages and some cool sounds.

This time was more intense. I took 20mg of the fumerate in a glass of soda water. I felt the effects 20 minutes in, and much like the first two times was compelled to lay down. Reading other reports, I have no idea how people can function socially while on this substance or walk around. All I wanted to do was turn off the lights and lay down by myself, undisturbed. My muscles felt like they were relaxing rapidly which made it hard to walk. My head was swimming slightly, but closing my eyes made this much easier to deal with.

As the effects increased, I would occasionally get some mild waves of nausea, but there was never any vomiting. These were mixed in with extremely relaxing feelings both physical and mental which felt great. Those waves of bliss would last a few minutes at a time.

Over the next couple of hours is where some interesting revelations and closed eyed visuals took place. There were images of what looked like beetles made out of brightly colored triangles and polygons, moving through my head, stopping occasionally to check something out and then they'd move on.

Then I had what I can only describe as a split personality experience. I was a kid again, around six years old, and I was also my real age observing these six year old thoughts at the same time. The six year old was thinking about how he'd been told that God did not love him, or it could have been that he'd come to the realization over time that he was not worthy of God's love. This struck me as strange because I am not a religious person. I have read the Bible and feel that most of the information is allegory used to preserve worthwhile stories over a long period of time, but I would not even remotely consider myself a Christian or otherwise. As I was thinking this, this recollection of being in a variety of Bible classes as a kid hit me. I had forgotten most of these, but recalled my mother had enrolled me in a bunch of summer Bible classes as well as some Sunday school classes around this same age. I remembered that eventually I convinced her that I detested going and she finally stopped taking me. As the observer, I said out loud, 'Kid, that is complete bullshit. I don't know who told you that.' Then, something was conveyed to me, that we are all born perfect under the light of creation - this was stated as a matter of fact, more scientifically than religiously, and that every creature and being was loved unconditionally based on being tied to this creator.

The presence of the six year old disappeared, and I was left pondering what just happened. I also wondered why I was not aware of how much religious indoctrination had happened during my early years, and wondered if because of some experience back then if it had lead to my rejection of religion in the present day?

Through traditional therapy I had often talked about when my parents split up, I was older when that happened, but the therapist of course focused on making sure I didn't think it was my fault or that my parents didn't love me. This never made sense to me because the anxiety was a problem way before my parents divorced. So this was a new area which I had never thought of before. I faded in and out of these 'deep thoughts' for another hour.

Approximately three hours in, I started to be more aware of my everyday reality, and felt like sitting up. It was 8:30 in the morning and the room was lit by natural light at this point. For the first time, I experienced open eye visuals. This was an incredible experience for me, the first one being an afterimage effect when I'd move my hands. My hand would move, and then an image of my hand which had been left behind would track the same path a fraction of a second later.

But the real zinger came when I looked at the underside of my forearm. I could see tiny holes opening and closing in my arm, like my arm was breathing. I was aware of the word 'aspiration' all of a sudden and as I looked at my other arm, I noticed the same thing happening. It was a little gross to look at, but at the same time I couldn't look away. As I turned my forearm over, I saw the coolest thing ever, and that was an image of a tattoo forming over my entire arm. The tattoo was the color of brown henna ink. Freckles on my arm were used as juncture points for parts of the tattoo. It was so detailed! The image it formed was like the artwork one would see of Aztec or Mayan stone carvings, or much like the patterns used in Mexican dress. Growing up in the Pacific Northwest, I have been exposed to plenty of native American artwork, but this was clearly different and reflected images from a different region. Looking to my other arm, an equally detailed but different tattoo appeared. Understand that this was not a simple visual overlay that I was seeing 'through'. This was ON my arm. I could stretch the skin and the tattoo would stretch with it. I could cover part of the tattoo with my hand and that part which was covered could not be seen until I removed it. It was absolutely amazing.

I turned my arms over to see a tattoo forming on each arm of an indian in a head dress and traditional garb. A message was relayed to me that these were my sentries, standing by to watch my thoughts. I was to 'say the word' for them to activate. From working with my anxiety through traditional methods I know that fighting it is pointless, so I told the sentries, when you see the thoughts accumulating which create my nervousness, move aside and let them pass by us, do not let them in, do not grab onto them in any way. Stay vigilant, as these thoughts are in motion constantly. These instructions were accepted, and the two sentries disappeared from my arm. This conversation seemed completely normal to me at the time, and I suppose the most important aspect was that I believed in what I was doing. Looking back at it now, the scene was a crazy person talking to their arms. But in the moment? It was real to me.

I should note that I was becoming very coherent while these visuals were happening. I no longer felt the need to lay down, and wanted to go outside. My motor functions had completely returned. I was tired and lacked energy, but otherwise felt fine. Going outside was amazing, everything was in 3-D. Objects stood apart from objects in the background. In the sunlight the colors really popped out. Movements of tree limbs in the wind were exaggerated and had a fluid like motion to them.

Even though five hours after ingestion I was thinking clearly. The arm tattoos were still visible, albeit much lighter. But all I had to do was relax, and I could see the tattoos easily. I'm thinking that next time maybe I should take a pen and draw on my arm what I saw so that when I'm completely back to baseline I can look at it and photograph it.

A day later, I can't say that my anxiety is gone, but I'm in a very calm state. No euphoria or anything like that, just really mellow and thinking about the experience, especially the revelations about my childhood mentality towards God. I picked my son up from school today, and normally my anxiety greets me at the door as I leave the house - there is a wave of nervousness that hits me anytime I go anywhere. I never allow it to stop me, but it's always there. Today, it was not present, although I didn't look forward to leaving either, probably because the thought of having to experience the anxiety is rather depressing. The depressing thoughts were still there. If I take a Xanax 20 minutes before leaving the house, then I'm totally good to go and that's really what I'm shooting for but with not having to take anything. So something changed between yesterday and today that made me feel differently. Not cured, but different.

I have read reports of people taking mushrooms or MDMA and being symptom free for months. That is not me by any stretch. Perhaps it had to do with the dosage. But I feel I need to take a few weeks to contemplate what I experienced before trying again, and there is no doubt that the experience was positive. Years of therapy never touched on my thoughts on God as a child, and here I am with one five hour mind melt getting right to it. Absolutely incredible.

Exp Year: 2014	ExpID: 104340
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 46
Published: Jan 16, 2017	Views: 4,163
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4-AcO-DMT (387) : General (1), Entities / Beings (37), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Glowing Experiences (4), Alone (16)