DOSE:

1 capsl

oral

Huasca Combo

BODY WEIGHT:

124 lb

substance ingested: mimosahuasca capsule (likely syrian rue mixture)
food ingested: only a chocolate bar and a handful of shredded cheese ingested within 12 hours of the trip

I prepared myself for several days for my first real, full hallucinogenic trip in ~2 years. I was afraid. Really afraid. Usually my trips turn into semi-paranoid descents into the underworld of pain and uncertainty; focused on physical feelings that ground me. I never can let go. On top of this, one of the guys “L” I was living with in this community in a semi-jungle camp on a mountain had expressed to me how he didn’t want to be around people on bad trips as it brings him down into one. This would be an incredible challenge.

We were offered mimosahausca for the project completion party courtesy the community “leader”. I had decided that I wanted to trip. I set my mind on it, that I was ready. I set my intentions, I thought that I would tie together my last year, not face my fears, be funny and happy and most of all have a GOOD trip. I thought we would trip during the day, which also made me feel more comfortable with the idea. One time I did shrooms in the day was positive, although I don’t typically enjoy them; too many physical effects. I also decided semi-subconsciously that if I were to meet some form of DMT beings, it would not be entirely unwelcome (although I hoped my trip would not be that deep).

As it was, we ended up working on our community project until later than expected and it became apparent that we would be tripping at night. But after the several days of preparation I was just too damn curious. I needed this. It was the end of weeks of work on our project, and a personal journey back towards myself after a few bad relationships and a bout of Dengue fever.

6pm rolled around and we start as a group to make pizzas in L’s oven. As the first pizza went in we sat as a group and ingested the mimosahuasca capsules of Colombian make. I purposefully chose the smallest pill thinking it would have the lowest quantity of mimosahuasca. I have a rule about only taking gifted psychedelics. I let go of my anxiety and swallowed without a 2nd thought, immediately revved myself into a lively, laughing conversation with a new friend “V” and a few others. The other psychonautical explorers were chilling. I was not. I was going to have a good trip! The first effect was noticing the pizza cheese seeming to undulate when it was removed from the oven and a kind of lively, innocent energy. For the first time on anything except LSD I did not shake.

L left the group with our white-panted group leader “C” to chill by the stream. He was ironically having a bad trip, exactly the kind he feared others having. At first I was reluctant to go comfort L, but as a friend I ended up following C to sit with him for a while. L kept saying how strong his trip was, which made me wonder why mine wasn’t, and also worry that it could begin to develop into that at any time. I struck that thought down as I quickly felt myself being sucked into the vortex; slight perceptual changes were presenting themselves when C came back from an errand. So I rejoined the group by the camp fire. I continued to laugh with V and make silly remarks like “what if cows could breathe fire?” (then would they destroy what they desired to consume?) The dirt felt warm and I thought weeds were yellow roses that had fallen to the ground. Guitar riffs from music touched me deeply and I danced, air guitaring and air drumming. Standing became difficult. I sat down, letting BB King take my soul, my one new-found true love.

I had warned the group that I stopped taking psychedelics because I get naked on them. (This is only partially true, but in recent years nudity has become a common part of my life from caver + outdoor people parties as well as hitch hiking in northern Europe… all of which often enjoy skinny dipping, saunas and hot tubs.) With only mild encouragement and despite the presence of a slightly Colombian jungle neighbor I found myself disrobing, not just in character but as part of me. I was having slight visuals, mostly close-eyed. Things began to appear as serpents: candle wax melted into pools on the ground, sticks, vines on trees. This was not scary despite my lifelong fear of snakes. I controlled it, I accepted it. My pre-programmed trip advice was helping me through it as well as what C had said, “if it gets bad, just remember a deep breath has never hurt anyone”. Then it started getting intense. After one more bout of laughter I was pulled back into reality by someone petting my silly hat and began to act like I was a dog as I had early decided, consciously, pre-trip to do. Then I was sucked back into my visuals where the snake image on someone’s shorts became an open-mouthed snake moving towards me. But I did not let the fear take me.

I tried to laugh and joke but the physical effects were getting stronger. I released muscle tension as earlier, drumming to the fractals twirling with the beats of the music, still in the same control. Then it started getting heavy. My arms and legs first, but mostly my mind. The close or maybe open eyed visuals were undulating fractally geometrics, seeming to twist as if a mechanized serpent. Sometimes moving like a snake and other times appearing to form into gears. A fractal path in space winded its way through darkness to what seemed to be the walls of a fractal fortress. I was only mildly hesitant, I would take this pathway… But my body load was heavy and my fear from the article found myself migrating from person to person, putting my head on their shoulders (naked, of course, even though they weren’t) and trying to hold conversations, some in other languages. I remembered C’s advice to breathe, and kept grounding myself with that.

Sitting with V I saw this spiral at the center of walls of complicated 3 dimensional fractals, the entry a dark circle in the fractal, like an eye (or a black hole). I was scared it was tied to blood pressure, or having a heart attack. But it was also the entry to the elven fortress. The DMT elf voice, deep and somewhat reminiscent of a young BB King began to speak, telling me to go under, to let go. The only way to be ok was to let go. But I didn’t want to. How could I? A part of my head brought me back to reality. I was almost angered, I wanted to go to the fortress! But I laughed with V explaining I was at a fortress, and taking deep breaths quickly found myself being forced, sucked under…forced to let go. I had no choice. I asked the DMT spirit to make sure I could come back. “You might like it too much” the spirit said (but the voice had lost its depth) “…but yes”.

Then, the DMT spirit seemed to change its mind, when I was inside. I could no longer see the fortress, or if I could I cannot explain it or even remember it except I was now inside the black center of the fortress, that is where the path had led and I had fallen (there, one cannot see). “You are not allowed without a guide, a shaman. No one is.” I told it in all my honesty I thought I was special, and this quickly, surely but not meanly was struck down. I am, but I am not allowed. I was scared, maybe my heart was beating too fast. Maybe all these physical effects were too much… (Only L and I were having intense trips… but we were the smallest in the group).

I walked the few steps to my lesbian friends trying to tell them, to explain, but I couldn’t. Weird music that sounded like evil laughs came on and I had to ask them to change it. The DMT spirit wanted me to bow, that was the only way, not to have bad physical effects. As it was, my head was already towards the ground. It was too intense. I made my way over to C, my head on his shoulder.

The physical effects were strong, but the DMT spirit was letting go soon. It asked me if there was anything I wanted to deal with. I said no, afraid. It brought up things and then asked what I would do. I said I didn’t want to deal but I felt I had to agree. I asked unvoiced questions and felt a wave of compassion. It wanted to let me feel that, to know that and to let me leave with the knowledge that everything I need is here. That love I always wanted is around me. In my family, my community, the friends next to me. It wasn’t fake or contrived like I feared. Sometimes it was up to me to initiate these contacts. But importantly not to rely on expectations. That was the key to living now, in the moment. Be happy with what I have, with the love I have, instead of always wanting or thinking there is more.

I asked if this meant I wouldn’t amount to anything, if I was nothing. That wasn’t it, as I looked deep into the fractal it let me know I could make my life what I wanted. Success was not something the DMT spirit concerned itself with. No humans were “special”. All were “capable”. We are small and miniscule in comparison. But there is a love, a wanting us to find this inner happiness. This was a strong feeling, that there is a desire for people to find that happiness, to find it in the small things around them. I felt the sense of inner peace the DMT spirit desired others to find, and it was beautiful. Images flashed through my mind of the kinds of lives it was referring to, and despite not being interested in that I saw the beauty in what appeared to be even the most mundane existence. We could have that happiness, if we could all let go of our expectations and live in appreciation and recognition of what we do have.

(Although I could hear the spirit’s voice inside me, I was not certain whether most of the communication was actually words or pictures. It was sort of a combination, as if sometimes there was not a word for the picture or feeling.)

It didn’t want me back at the fortress. Not at a festival, not at a burn, not at burning man if I ever go. I would be better as a guide, it suggested. Inner me was still nervous. I’d be ok, it said. They’d send me back with this sense of love, of connectivity, with these lessons. “One more thing, “ I asked. “Is it true that we live in a simulation dictated by story-telling obsessed simulation gods? We are just characters?” The DMT spirit laughed. “Not even close…” and I felt a sense of my own insignificance, but that I mattered enough to talk to, not because I was special but because I was, I existed, and I was there at that moment.

I asked if I should puke, as many ayahuasca partakers do, because the trip felt so heavy, and I felt some nausea. I could if I wanted to, it said. But the amount of “dirt” (that was the word that seemed to fit best) I carried with me was small. I could choose to take it with me in life, or let it out. I chose to keep it; as my burden. Maybe being a vegetarian for over a decade helped… It felt good, knowing all the “bad” things I had done were judged as so little…

The trip load was still super heavy but I could feel the grip releasing slightly, coming back so that more of my being was in this dimension… My clothes were still off but I barely noticed except occasionally wondering if I was making anyone uncomfortable. And then I would shut it down: it doesn’t matter. Plus I had a cool hat. I loved these people. I might’ve been one of the only non-couples there but I was happy, actually happy, with what I HAD. Any strange sexual urges connected to being naked and undulating serpent-like fractals were easily halted.

L came back, smiling. I gave him a naked hug. He was returning back to this dimension, too. And all the trippers were beginning to talk more. I started to relate my experience and tell semi-sensical life stories, exchanging with V, laughing again, able to speak. The DMT spirit was letting go very, very slowly. Someone mentioned it might not be over, that it might come in waves and I might go back. I felt fear. I did not want to go back.

Then people began going to sleep. Eventually it was just L and I at the fire, still both coming down, still tripping a little. We had a beautiful 3+ hour conversation, connecting out experiences to life. I connected my last 2 years, as I had hoped. I divulged my worst character moments in my life and came to wonderful conclusions about myself. Feeling whole, back to myself for the first time in 13 months. I thought I had lost me. Now I have almost lost my fear of snakes instead. L divulged some of his character flaws to me as well. I felt an immense wave of appreciation to be there, at that location, with those people and to have had the experiences that I did.

I finally was able to let go of my control on a trip. I had a good trip because my mental training and fortification was strong enough to keep me happy. I ended up facing things I didn’t mean to on what was supposed to be a “fun” trip, but it taught me so much. It returned me to myself; answered the questions I never wanted to ask.

L and I fell asleep on different sides of the camp fire, stars above us in the Colombian jungle. A howler monkey awakened me at the first light.

Thank you DMT/mimosahuasca, although I doubt I’ll take you again, you helped me cement in the missing piece, the one I was so close to last summer and I lost journeying… I almost thought I could travel a little longer and find it. I found it there, at that community project, after a long inner- and inter-personal journey. ...And you helped connect the last dots.

When I get home, I’m giving my mom a hug. My family doesn’t hug.

Exp Year: 2014	ExpID: 104349
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 24
Published: Mar 20, 2018	Views: 2,253
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Mimosa spp. (393), Huasca Combo (269) : Nature / Outdoors (23), Entities / Beings (37), Combinations (3), Small Group (2-9) (17)