DOSE:	20 - 50 mg	oral	Amphetamines
	150 mg	oral	Pharms - Bupropion	(daily)

BODY WEIGHT:

135 lb

Background:

I'd like to start off by giving a short synopsis of myself at the time of my Adderall experience just so you get a feel for the person who was using the drug and so you may understand all factors that played into my outcome with the drug. I was 17 years old, male (still am of course), 135 pounds and in good physical health. I hadn't had any real drug experience except for mild cannabis usage, one trip on what I was told was acid, and a couple of times taking low doses of Vicodin all when I was 15. There were absolutely no drugs in my system at the time.

My mental health and stability at the time was not good at all, but with that being said, I believe my mental state and health going into the drug was the primary reason the drug was so blissful and unique to me (if you don't care about my mental health at the time, skip the rest of this paragraph). To elaborate on my mental health: making friends and socializing in general is nearly impossible for me since I have Asperger's syndrome . I did not have any friends in real life and my only friends were on the internet. Since I was 15 I had been going through acute depression and had been hospitalized multiple times for suicide attempts. I have an OCD diagnosis which was only a major obsession with keeping everything in its place to the millimeter at the time. I'm also effected by the other symptoms of my Asperger's syndrome such as sensory issues and overstimulation, lack of empathy, extreme discomfort with eye contact, anxiety in social situations and around people, etc. Anyways, I had been reading up on Adderall for weeks on the internet and I felt I had a pretty good idea of what I was getting into, but I was definitely wrong about that.

Experience:

After weeks of desperately searching for Adderall I had finally bought 180mg (18 10mg capsules of Adderall XR) from an acquaintance at school. I had been asking all over since my ACT was coming up in two months, and I felt I needed the drug to study for and pass the test. Once I bought them, I put the little blue capsules in a pill bottle under my bed for when I needed to study.

Two days later my 'girlfriend' left me. I had built up a strong emotional dependance on her and she was essentially the only thing in my life that made me happy, so as you can imagine I was devastated to lose her.

It was around 3:00 PM and I was in my room, alone and crying. My immediate reaction after she left me was to get the Adderall from under my bed and take what I thought was an average and safe dose to get me through what surely would've been a rough day. I took 30mg at first with water and about five minutes later I took an extra 10mg fearing that 30mg would not have any effect on me. I ate an average sized lunch that day and had been snacking throughout the day. Though I had done an excessive amount of reading on the drug, I still was not 100% sure what exactly I would feel.

Approximately a half hour later I felt a strong 'okay feeling'. The 'okay feeling' was simply not caring that my girlfriend had left me for good, and not being upset with her at all for doing so. I was completely okay with letting her go and I was almost excited to start my life over again. This is very far out of character for me and I knew it was the Adderall's doings. The second effect I noticed was a strong confidence and boost in my self esteem and self perception. I was extremely vain and cocky in myself. The usual insecurities that plague my mind were completely replaced with positive thoughts about myself and how attractive I thought I was. I just felt so in love with myself and my face. In desperation to talk to people I pulled my phone out to text all my friends. I felt very connected and genuinely happy to talking to all of them, even the ones who don't treat me very well. Usually I dread sending pictures of myself to my friends, but I actually sent multiple pictures of myself to them voluntarily because I was just so in love with my looks at that time.

I was very motivated to leave my house. I had plans to go see a movie that same day with my parents, and all I wanted to do was leave my house as soon as possible. My parents were being rushed out of the door and into their car by me as I just wanted to go. As I leave my house, I still am taking advantage of the boost in self confidence by taking a plethora of pictures of myself.

In the car, I noticed a euphoria come about. The strong euphoria I felt lasted for maybe two hours. The uplifting, strong happiness in my stomach seeped into my heart; I felt love for everyone and everything. As I exited the car and walked through the mall to the movie theatre, I fell in love with every person I saw. Usually a pessimistic and easily-annoyed person, it was a pleasant change to feel love and compassion for everyone around me. Everyone I looked at just made me feel so happy and made me smile.

I could feel my body getting little 'jumpy' as I was walking to the movie theatre- like a heavy dose of caffeine. It was not the 'I want to sprint across the building' kind of jumpy. It was the jumpy feeling you get in your stomach before you're about to give a speech in front of a handful of your colleagues, except this feeling was not negative or unwanted.

In the theatre, a number of interesting things happened. First of all, this is when I noticed the suppression of my appetite. The appetite suppression induced by Adderall is no joke. As a teenage boy I would eat just about anything put in front of me, but not with Adderall. Adderall not only made me feel completely full, but it made all food just look flat-out unappetizing to me. I first noticed this with the popcorn my parents had bought; I didn't want a single kernel.

Secondly, I had a heightened sense of empathy when I was on Adderall . That day in the movie theatre, my mother had been having bad pains in her legs. As I heard her complaining of the pains I felt the need to ensure she was okay by offering her my seat so she could stretch her legs into the isle, and even asked if it was bad enough that we needed to leave. This is totally out of character for me; without Adderall if I would've heard my mother complaining of leg pains, I would've brush it off as unnecessary complaining or exaggerating, but while on Adderall I had a great concern for my mother's wellbeing. Almost how a caring mother is concerned for and will protect her child. It felt great to have this feeling. I have always wanted to be a more caring and empathetic person, and Adderall allowed me to achieve this goal.

I had left the movie theatre for a quick minute to use the restroom, and while out of the theatre I checked my phone and saw my ex-girlfriend had texted me. I texted my her back and told her everything was alright and I was understanding of what was happening between us. Everything seemed fine emotionally, but I was definitely wrong. At this point things then got a little... weird to say the least.

Shortly after I got back to my seat in the movie theatre, a train of emotions hit me. I was already having some pretty intense positive emotions, but these emotions and thoughts were different. I realized that I was depressed in my everyday life, and that I was not content with my life. I realized that I was not okay with being socially incompetent. I realized that I this drug solves all of these problems, and that I need a prescription for it.

For the rest of the movie (maybe an hour and a half), I sat crying my eyes out from a compound of happiness and sadness. The sadness was not relevant to my ex-girlfriend whatsoever; she was still being pushed to the back of my head by the Adderall. Thoughts were running through my mind about how my life should be different than what it is, and I was planning out how I was going to go to see my school's social worker to get advice. I wanted her to talk to my parents about getting me a prescription for Adderall. I figured since this stuff blew other antidepressants I had taken out of the water, it would be a good idea to try to get a prescription for it somehow. This was easily one of the most emotional moments of my life. I could not handle all of the emotions and deep thoughts flooding through my brain. On another note, I would like to mention that I was popping my bottom retainer in and out of my tongue repeatedly with my tongue. I guess this is sort of like the teeth gritting effect people get from taking MDMA.

I ended up missing about eighty precent of the movie. I tuned back in and stopped crying for maybe the last 10-15 minutes of the movie. On the car ride back home, I was still doing some deep thinking. I was also texting my ex-girlfriend about the break-up, which I was still fine with. When I got home is when things settled down, and at the same time got a little crazy.

At this point, which is maybe 7 or 8 hours since initially dosed, I was coming down from the Adderall. My great mood and the content feeling were still present, but now I was having trouble breathing. My breaths were inconsistent and deep. I moved out of my room and went into the living room to be with my parents, fearing that something bad was going to happen.

My breathing returned to normal after approximately a half-hour, but I think that it is important to note that I did not have any crazy come-down symptoms besides that, despite taking what I now think was a bit of an excessive dose of Adderall on a first time. My sleep that night was just a little later than I usually slept. The next day I woke up feeling like a bomb went off inside of my stomach. Horrible, horrible cramps, pains and nausea for the most part. This was just one of many stomach pains that Adderall would provide to me.

Continued Use:

I continued to use the Adderall for the next ten days. The very next day, however, I decided to lower the dose from 40mg to 20mg since 40mg seemed a bit overboard. The 20mg did me fine, but I did not have as potent of a high obviously. It is noteworthy to mention that all of the same effects I had on the first day (empathy, happiness, the 'okay feeling', etc.) were present, just some at a lesser extent. The euphoria in particular seemed less intense and shorter. The extreme augmentation of my emotions was also present in a lesser form.

During those ten days, my tolerance to Adderall would build rapidly. I could stay on a dose for two highs, then I would have to move up by 10mg. This build up would continue until my tolerance built to 50mg, and at the point when it reached 50mg I ended up feeling nothing from the Adderall.

I had become a bit of a pro at 'timing' the Adderall a few days into using it. I found out that, for me, the best time to take the Adderall was between 2:00 PM and 2:30 PM. I would get the euphoria for about an hour once the Adderall kicked in, and throughout the rest of the day I would have the rest of the effects. Everything would tone down 9-10 hours later, right when I would go to sleep.

I mentioned that I did not have many negative side effects the first time I took the Adderall. This was not the case at all for continuous, binge use of Adderall. The scariest part for me was the racing heart rate I would get. My heart rate felt much faster than it usually did, which in turn lead me to taking breaks every few days from the Adderall. Past that first day of using the Adderall, I was always filled with fear that a continuous accelerated heart rate would lead to a heart attack.

The most painful part about using Adderall is by far the stomach issues. Adderall will severely alter your stomach and appetite. At its worst, I ended up having what I believed to be a stomach ulcer. I came to this conclusion after having charcoal-black stool and doing a bit of research on the internet. As I mentioned before, that 40mg of Adderall on the first day really hurt my stomach for the next few days. The pains still occurred (and were at their worst) during the comedown and on the next day. Even after lowering the dose, it did not get better. I still would have stomach pains and a continuously present 'full' feeling in my stomach (I will say, however, that the stomach pains were less intense when the dose was lowered). Even when I went out to eat at my favorite restaurant with my parents, I had to tell them, 'No, I'll pass. I'm feeling kind of sick.' The stomach pains and appetite suppression were two of the more unpleasant features of Adderall.

The last major issue I had with Adderall was a sexual side effect— erectile dysfunction. As a male, I could not get an erection for the life me while on Adderall. In a warm, flowing shower, I would touch my penis and it would stay flaccid no matter what I did to stimulate an erection. This is probably not a big deal if you're using Adderall irregularly, but I feared that with prolonged use, I would become sexually incompetent permanently.

The other side effects I experienced were all minor and were fixable after the first night of using. The retainer popping effect I experienced was simply solved by removing my retainer when it started to occur, and inserting a piece of gum. Sleep irregularities caused by the Adderall was solved by finding my 'sweet spot' time for dosing. I'm sure if I had any problems with falling asleep still, some Diphenhydramine (Benadryl, ZzzQuil, etc.) would have solved the issue.

Now that I am over the specifics of what happened over those ten days, I would like to throw out a few more details before moving onto my reflection and opinions of the drug. I would first like to note that, despite buying the Adderall for the sole purpose of studying, I did not feel the urge to study nor did I study for a single second while on Adderall. I was too busy enjoying my life to sit and study for a test that was a few months away. Adderall did not make school seem more interesting to me whatsoever.

The Adderall did made me more talkative to others. As someone who has always struggled to socialize, it was a pretty good feeling to be able to socialize comfortably and naturally slightly more than usual. With that said, the boost in my social skills is nowhere near comparable to the boost I would get from opaites, so I only consider Adderall to bring about a minor boost in social skills. Using the Adderall did not bog me down or make me incompetent to perform some tasks like using opiates and benzos; I felt 120 precent functional on Adderall. Overall, the last ten days of using the Adderall went well. I ended up with 10mg left over which I just randomly popped and obviously felt nothing. The last real dose I took (50mg) yielded a null high; I wish that I would've thrown that leftover 10mg into the 50mg dose so that I would've felt something.

Reflection:

To sum up what Adderall did for me: Adderall made me feel like the person I wanted to be. It made me active, happy, free of worries, and empathetic. I still regard it as my second favorite substance I have ever used (the first being Roxycodone). It made that week and a half probably the best week and a half of my life, despite my ex-girlfriend who I loved dearly leaving me.

Adderall gave me a sense of happiness that I had never felt before. That week would have probably been filled with sorrow, tears, and contemplation of suicide, but the Adderall successfully got me through the week with minimal grief. It shifted my love for my ex-girlfriend to a love for Adderall, and even the days I took breaks from the Adderall, my mood was relatively upbeat. I had the next day of Adderall to look forward to. I can only describe Adderall as a life saver for me.

Around here, Adderall is usually used for studying/testing purposes. For every story I hear of someone using Adderall to get high, I hear of at least 20 other stories of people using it on their ACT, or to study for upcoming finals. As someone who is now a sophomore in college, I fully recognize Adderall's potential in this area. I am now clean of all drugs except those prescribed to me, but I use caffeine almost everyday to stay focused and awake in school. I only wish I had a stronger stimulant like Adderall or Vyvanse to aid me in my studying and attention span. In fact, my current cravings for Adderall are not centered around the euphoric, empathogenic properties of Adderall; I now crave Adderall for the strong stimulation it provides. I now would probably be one of those 20 other people who use Adderall for schooling purposes, although I fully recognize Adderall's recreational purposes as well.

I will never regret using Adderall. I'm not sure if it's something I'd necessarily like to be on long-term, but it was a great substance for that week and a half. The last time I used it, however, Adderall was not so kind to me. I took 45mg of XR at around 2 AM (I had a biology test that day and I hadn't studied at all so I planned to pull an all nighter), and I ended up falling asleep about a half hour later, throwing up three times that day, and having a gut-wrenching pain all over my body. I was struggling to even move from my car to my house/school because I just felt so weak and sick. I believe this was due to a combination of the 45mg of Adderall XR with 150mg of Wellbutrin XL (prescribed), an 8oz Monster energy drink, and three or four double cheeseburgers the previous night. All I know was that I felt like a complete mess. I had to take 2.5mg of Klonopin when I got home just to smooth everything out.

Now, almost nine months from when I first took Adderall, I am a recovering opiate addict. Once I kicked the Adderall, I moved onto benzodiazepines and opiates. I started using Roxycodone every weekend for nearly six months until I ultimately decided that was not how I wanted to live. Although a lot of people would probably disagree with this, the Adderall lead me to trying these drugs. Adderall was what started my journey of pharmaceutical abuse. Once I realized that I could solve all of my problems through pills, I started using them weekly. I advise nobody to try this drug unless prescribed to them, and if they chose to use it anyways to please do their research to ensure that they are safely taking the drug.

Exp Year: 2014	ExpID: 106287
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 17
Published: May 29, 2020	Views: 14,440
[ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
Amphetamines (6) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Depression (15), Retrospective / Summary (11), First Times (2), Various (28)