DOSE:	3 - 3.5 g	oral	Syrian Rue	(ground / crushed)
	10 g	oral	Mimosa tenuiflora	(tea)

BODY WEIGHT:

125 lb

Cold Water MHRB and Insight w Tryptamines

Tryptamine Use History:
Mushrooms, in 4-6g doses, have always brought me great memories and have given me a massive amount of useful and also perhaps less practical insight. They taught me how to see through words, worlds, black and white perspectives, etc., blah blah blah and much more, casting a light on just how fleeting we are and everything else is. Well, if I can’t lock down indefinite meaning, I’ll just make my own and apply meaning to things as I please; beginning in a lack of meaning helps to let go of emotional dependency, so that I can avoid it in the future, and employ meaning and emotional investment when/where I do so desire without consciously shattering my meaning within the pits of negativity and habit. Shrooms have generally brought me both scummy, shame-ridden feelings and warm, fuzzy ones on a pretty consistent basis. In regards to my enjoyment of shroom trips, I have felt utterly helpless and confused from mushies at times, but always have gotten something important to me out of the experiences. A couple times, I’ve just felt cornered and scared afterward, but still more surreally, insightfully, and abundantly, vertigo-esque feeling than I would be coming out of a scary salvia trip or something.

Set and Setting:
I graduated high school not too recently. My wife and I just had our 1 year anniversary yesterday :) I'm relatively optimistic about relationships with friends and family (“all” when consciously, linguistically acknowledged) which seem generally positive. I am between jobs and exploring my potential with an Audio course two nights a week. This has been very enjoyable.

The day was set perfectly for me: No cannabis or food (but a little bit of pizza from the night before). A day to myself in a particularly laid back room in an already chill house with gourd and rain-stick to spare, along with a large variety of other tools and instruments with which to express the true conviction of being and creativity, therein, validating the other felt experiences I had known in love, longing, discipline, etc. I was also joined by a windowsill-full O some plant friends and some blue and green, artsy walls; not to mention my light-casting, moving trippy-lamp thing, jajaja.

The capsules of ground rue were taken (3-3.5gr) as I began to prepare. I brought many stones with me into the room and a board thing to write or draw any important things on. I began by writing verbs like Sing, LAUGH, Meditate, and Get creative, and Let Go to help me accept seemingly scary or difficult states of mind. Things felt great :smile:

Mimosa:
At last, I bring the mimosa drink into the room. I took it in a quick shot (super simple) thinking I honestly wouldn't be able to take it at all otherwise. It tasted interesting and strong, to the point where even the most minuscule drop was as flavorful as the most engaging oral sex in my experience and by that I mean the literal taste of performing it, not the figurative counterpart to receiving it. Indeed, by many standards, it seemed foul, in a sense; gross and weird, idk. I think sex would seem bizarre too, though, from very outside, alien perspectives. I took a few more drops to savor for a moment and put my bottle back in the fridge. Definitely a unique flavor, I concluded, and proceeded to take a hot shower to reduce hypertensive risk with my rue now and pizza last night.

About a 3rd cup, 10g worth of a 3 week cold water infusion had me puking not even 5 min after my shower. The experience was a bit more mild and obscure due to this, and probably more manageable someone new to Aya. I had definitely felt something change during the shower but wasn’t sure if I was just feeling the last of the rue caps kicking in. I exited the shower and entered ‘my’ mind; but more meditatively than intoxicatedly, trippinly-- basically, I adverbed out of the shower how I damn well pleased-- Meditatively; lol, words... Anyway, I went down to the room I smudged like a half hour ago and started to, well, meditate (after la Purga, of course). I love meditation, but frequent this tool, rather toolbox, a bit too seldom for my liking. I definitely enjoyed this. I started to get the warm, fuzzy feeling, and things seemed to be coming in waves a bit.

At one point I was going to open my eyes but saw the exact same Persian rug I have in bedroom next door appear, and it kept on fading in to view when I had any inkling to give up. It felt like a direct correlation. This was one of few threshold CEV’s experienced this trip. While trying to show my internal dialogue the door, a bunch of white, rustic, peeling-paint type of window frames (with brass hinges and nails to open the windows and stuff) in infinite layers, gratifyingly smashed, splintered, and boar-headed into each other from opposite sides of the universe. I wrote ‘crack, slam, split!’ on the board to describe the picture I drew of it and what the shapes and stuff were doing. Then, instead of being flowing (in a violent, lovely, multidimensional manor) to a center point, the visions were being born from the center point; from and of one another. They could be cascading, fluid, wiggly, whatever--That center point and everything else is alive or conscious somehow, I feel. Like how columnar cacti makes spine nodes from the middle of the star, then disperses them down the length of the growing cactus. I have inhabited timeless objects on salvia trips, and opened myself up to the idea that other objects, like my fingernails and floorboards, might be conscious or inhabited/inhabitable somehow. It was great contrast to some of the confused and embarrassed stated I’ve had on shroomies. It was like a take on ‘total’ unity I’ve gotten from other psychedelics, but not as intense as them, since I threw up my mimosa drink so soon.

Pretty bad diarrhea. I was glad I made it to the bathroom every time and didn’t end up assigning myself more clean up than the vomit pail. I also got strong feelings about behaviors and such that I needed to get a grip on by letting go of them. There was a good amount of insight in that that sort of regard; not really gonna get into that too much.

I had an articulatory epiphany, seemingly reading into the splintering windows thing and what accompanied it, as I meditated some more. “Destruction through unity, creation through separation” I would now change the ‘through’ parts to ‘by’ parts but that would be simple and less mysterious for me; ‘through’ offers more ambiguity, as I’m not surprised I leaned toward in that stated, or just sort of epiphinized toward? This helped me to see a lot of things with perspectives I would have thought about, but never cared to consider this way. I learned to see unity in destruction (as a feeling) and the creativity of destruction too; it can be expressed as an art like any other concrete noun or otherwise, except that it is very abstract. Destruction is tangible only in trippy descriptions, abstract concepts, and the speculatively addressed, skeptically assessed, and indescribable nature of indefinite reality; somewhere among which our consciousness’s bibble-babble and behold dreadful and destructive things, among others. It would seem, however, that maybe destruction is a component of creation in the sense that it may be, in itself, indefinitely an art? What is destruction made of When you cause destruction, it is not yours. Perhaps it belongs to destruction itself or being. Whether we are the so-called surface of our reality or not, being and existence are perceived, while nothing, to the absolute, seems much more difficult to perceive, as that would probably mean making it so. It makes me wonder about what T. McKenna say about being sculpted into life by the hand of death; creation by separation; life born by the death of cells… habit and novelty? Well it sure makes me wonder about vacuum particle shifts, and random streams of light particles from nothing. Maybe being is the lack there-of, in regards to the void; it’s decay. Well the void may or may not decay, but IDK, that’s for sure.

I was very happy with the experience, though, and am glad I wasn’t too messed up to articulate it afterwards somewhat or at least try lol. So as cliche as the descriptions go, I felt unity in so many complete forms; it seems that all is connected. I am not a citizen, I’m an existant, a presence, consciousness, soul, something not just a word? Idk that anyone or anything, including myself, needs to determine that, but I’ll keep my mind open to the feelings of my soul. It seems that mushrooms and ayahuasca (mimosa/rue) have helped me to feel the love and still consciously acknowledge the hate without buying into it , basically. The mimosa helped me feel and perceive a lot of the interconnectedness of everything. I know those things sound pretty typical, but it’s the why’s of them that I can’t even begin to put into words; the reasons why these concepts and ideas learned largely in-part from substances, are so important and useful to me. Perhaps this is just shabby, lingual representations of the concepts and ideas themselves which sprouted from the feelings, giving way to inspiring implications. While I have spent many suns contemplating similar veins of thought to these, many times they just seem blatant, especially when consciously acknowledged (with or w/o words). I love thinking about these ambiguous, trippy things, though.

For me, it required a conscious, intent effort to cozy up to the general idea of ambiguity early on; I remember deciding or reflecting on the decision to throw the ideas of right and wrong out the window to grow in the dirt a while; the memory is in my mom’s car, where I was 12-14, consciously acknowledging that I don’t find anything wrong with murder like everyone else seemed to; I wouldn’t have murdered and didn’t really find murder to be a desirable factor in my life, and thought about this, the whole time, keeping in mind that I don’t find it or anything else right or wrong. This concept, which the shrooms and aya reinforced, has helped me to, for the most part, entirely avoid the perception that anyone is outside the full, indefinite spectrum of human behavior, the outliers are only stretching our way to a broader spectrum of human capacity and behavior. I find it desirable to accept those folks along with everyone else. Some homeless dude in a youtube video said it nicely, 'Live in the moment, don't get old, don't judge people...You can't be free, if you judge people! Love now!'

Ps. My body almost potentially died choking on puke. Too much food in stomach beforehand. Uhh… don’t do that, please. Freaking tomato. Freaking pizza. Chew your food. Thanks.

Exp Year: 2015	ExpID: 107377
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 18
Published: Nov 14, 2019	Views: 765
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