DOSE: T+ 0:00	18 mg	oral	4-HO-MiPT
T+ 0:50	0.15 g	smoked	Cannabis
T+ 3:10	25 mg	rectal	U-47700

BODY WEIGHT:

160 lb

SET: I’m comfortable, excited, and a little bit nervous. My main goal for the trip is to focus on my anxiety, which has been particularly nasty the last few weeks.

SETTING: My apartment. Relaxed environment. Calm lighting. Music. My friend (“A”) and girlfriend (“R”) are with me. Neither of them are taking the compound.

Note: Pretty much all times are estimated, but I think they’re about right.

T+0:00 I was excited to try the new compound for the first time. I weighed out ~18 mg, wrapped it in a rolling paper, and swallowed it.

T+0:20 I felt different. Something was definitely off. In the words of the good Dr. Shulgin, “It was as if I had downed a few Martinis in a hurry.” This compound seems uniquely different than anything I’ve tried before.

T+0:30 I was definitely at a ++. Open-eye visuals became very apparent. Everything was made of wobbling blobs. I felt a little nervous, which led to some slight nausea. My girlfriend was cooking broccoli, and the oil she had put on it was crackling in the oven, which startled me. I focused on my breathing and was able to calm down.

T+0:50 I came to the realization that I have more control over my state of mind than I think I do. I can breathe, I can meditate, I can think positively, I can take drugs if needed. The anxiety doesn’t control me. Sometimes neither I, nor the anxiety, is in control. This is when the panic attacks happen. But the anxiety is never in control, and that’s what’s important. My friends were antsy, and wanted to smoke some cannabis, so I agreed and we went outside.

T+1:20 Never before had 4 tiny hits from a joint affected me so profoundly. I was clearheaded, but very stoned. Felt almost dissociated. I wanted to wander in the dark woods of a nearby park, as I felt very connected to nature, but my companions were not as enthusiastic as I was. My night vision was heavily affected - I could see very clearly in the dark. I imagine my pupils were quite large. I’ve gotten this effect before.

T+2:00 After a while, A called over his girlfriend (who is also an “A,” so I will just refer to her as “A’s girlfriend”). We smoked more cannabis, and I took just a few more hits.

T+2:10 I was very engaged in conversation. Talking with A’s girlfriend was almost euphoric. I felt really connected to her on a very deep level, but didn’t want to tell anyone for fear of seeming strange.

T+2:30 A and his girlfriend decided to leave, but A’s girlfriend protested, saying she was really “vibing” with me. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that I wasn’t the only one feeling the connection. We talked about a lot of stuff for about 30 minutes.

T+3:00 They left. I was alone with R.

T+3:10 R put on “A Nightmare Before Christmas” (one of our favorite movies), but seemed off. I asked her if everything was okay. She said yes, but I could tell the answer was no. I pressed it slightly, but she seemed irritated. I went to the bathroom and plugged 25 mg of U-47700, a synthetic opioid. This was my way of ending the trip.

T+3:20 Ah...yes...sweet euphoria. Excellent. The visuals become calmer, more “relaxed.” I go and sit by R and watch the movie, but she still seems off. I feel a bit nauseous.

T+3:30 I noticed she was acting really off. I asked her again if anything is wrong. She told me no, seeming extremely irritated and upset, but was clearly trying to suppress it. I was suddenly consumed by anxiety, depression, and self-loathing. I went to the bathroom and sat on the edge of the tub with the lights off in an attempt to face my thoughts.

T+3:45 The negative thoughts began to get overwhelming. I realized I just needed to be direct and talk with her. We started a long, painful conversation about our relationship. We talked about how she doesn’t communicate enough with me, how I don’t do “little things” often enough for her, how we both feel unloved, stress, and a dozen other smaller problems.

I suggest we take a break for a few days and address the issues separately, then reconvene. This idea seemed reasonable to me, but she started yelling at me. I felt conflicted between my sober mind’s reaction (cry, get anxious, or try and talk it out), the opioid mind’s reaction (don’t give a fuck about her, tell her to leave), and the psychedelic mind’s reaction (hug her). I curled up in a ball. Past trauma began to resurface. I essentially freaked out. I don’t even know if I could call it an anxiety attack. It felt like my brain had been dipped in a vat of liquid nitrogen - complete shutdown. Eventually I came out of it, and we kept talking.

Over the course of the next hours, I had the realization that my panic attacks are rooted in conflict between different “minds.” The conflict between my anxious mind and my confident mind. Once I had an anxiety attack while mixing cocaine and opioids - it was a conflict between the stimulating, passionate effects of the cocaine and the apathy of the opioid. My ego cannot handle conflicted thoughts. I hate being pressured to make decisions on the spot, I hate when time is running out, and it’s all rooted in conflict between minds.

And I saw the way A and his girlfriend were happy, and I wanted that with R. This created even more conflict, besides the conflict between drug-state minds.

T+5:45 It was late at night. We worked things out, at least to the point where we could sleep in the same bed that night. The next morning, she headed back to her place. We continued to fight over the next few days, and I’m writing this the day after our last fight. I don’t know how much more fighting I can handle. But I feel like I’ve woken up. I feel different. I feel like I’m not going to take this shit, and if she isn’t willing to change with me, then I’m going to end it. I really don’t want to lose her, but I realized something even more important: a lot of the time, she wants to leave me, but she is too afraid to leave. She’s afraid of being alone. I realize that’s where the anger and resentment she feels toward me is coming from. She feels trapped.

Anyway, I’m getting off topic, so I’ll conclude.

RETROSPECT: I don’t want my title to mislead. What I mean by “Exceedingly gentle, then shockingly brutal” refers to the way my night went, not the way the drug treated me. What I did wrong (or, arguably, right) was mixing drugs in such a way that buried emotional issues in the relationship became aggressively apparent, in an “in your face” type of way. The 4-HO-MIPT made the issues clear, the cannabis forced me to think about them, and the U-47700 made me not care enough to bring them up with R. It was an interesting night, and I hope I can work things out with R. This night was a blessing, whether things work out or not, I at least know what the problems are.

Exp Year: 2016	ExpID: 109478
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 19
Published: Dec 1, 2016	Views: 2,276
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4-HO-MiPT (342) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Relationships (44), Combinations (3)