DOSE:

600 mg

oral

DXM

(liquid)

BODY WEIGHT:

135 lb

My girlfriend and I were eager to explore and each took 20 pills (300mg each) for our first time - and it turned out that we were both very susceptible to the drug. So much to our surprise, we both were KO'd in bed for at least 8 hours, and we couldn't walk straight for a full 12 hours.

I'd like to describe what happened when I decided to take a higher dose. It had been 2 weeks since we'd taken DXM. It was my third time trying it, and I was feeling very hopeful that I'd have a blast. I definitely entered the experience and the come-up with a positive mindset. I downed two 350mg bottles in 15 minutes - failing to completely finish the second bottle, so I would place my dose at about 600-700 mg. Because I'm exceptionally susceptible to the drug, this is comparable to a much higher dose.

My girlfriend and I are of nearly identical weight (135lbs), height (5'6'), age (19), and drug history involving a single light use of MDMA about a month prior.

(00:00) Took DXM in a comfortable apartment with just me and my girlfriend, who I trust implicitly. Stress free and open mindset. Well hydrated.

(00:15) During the start of the come up I had the typical effects of impaired motor control, difficulty focusing, and slightly slurred speech. This happened for approximately fifteen minutes. We played video games until we were too impaired and SSBM was just too much to handle.

(00:30) At this point, I experienced extreme motor impairment. Moving my head caused streaks - an effect I get rather quickly with all sorts of drugs. We decided to go to the bedroom and drink more water, use the bathroom, and get ready to enter our own worlds. We lied in bed and kissed for a bit. I would compare this stage to being very intoxicated.

(01:00) I experienced a euphoric feeling in my legs. My limbs were heavy, but moving my legs in a running motion felt very euphoric.

This feeling is a common effect with DXM, and one that I had been waiting on, so I enjoyed it quite a bit.
I can only hope we weren't moaning too loudly - it was pretty pleasurable. One other important thing to note is that we experienced near total numbness in our feet at about this same time.

(01:30) At this point I had my first 'How long have I been doing this' moment (the first of MANY). DXM affects my memory in astonishing ways.
I said to my girlfriend, 'How long have we been doing this?'
She replied with a 'whoa holy shit' and we both looked over to the clock and saw that it hadn't even been too long. The urge to move our legs began to fade. We both became lethargic and the real trip began.

(2:00-6:00) This is when the peak of the trip began.

My girlfriend and I started experiencing closed-eye visuals and entering what we call 'daydreams' in our heads - scenarios that pop out of nowhere from our past or subconscious that play out, almost for fun, right before our eyes. My imaginatory state nearly always involves my girlfriend - because I think about her most of the time. I'd close my eyes, see the ceiling, realize my eyes were closed, open my eyes, look around, realize where I was, and then go right back into the daydreams.

I'd say incoherent sentences to my girlfriend like 'remember the parking lot we kissed in? [sic]' and other silly stuff that give us a lot of good vibes during this stage of the trip. I'd find myself playing hide and seek with my friends at age 12, or going on a romantic date with my girlfriend a year ago. These hallucinations occurred without any physical sensation. They were mostly visual and logical.

I was prepared to lose myself, just like the other times. And I definitely did. For hours it just piled up.
Describing the physical sensations I had is difficult. I would describe sound as 'reverberating' in the sense that as soon as I heard a noise or word, it would run through my head and I would spend an eternity living out the experience. I've been told that this is due to DXM's effects on the hippocampus.

Touch was completely numbed. Like being wasted on alcohol, I could only feel 'taps' of feeling. I couldn't move, I was too weak. My arms felt like sticks. I didn't focus on my body - that's what dissociatives do! I just lost myself in the rhythm and the reverb of everything. It was truly intense.

(~6:00) I had a bit of a scary moment as I began the most intense part of my trip. My body suddenly felt cold, I felt like there was a cold piece of metal deep in my chest. I knew instantly that this was what a bad trip felt like, and I immediately told myself what I needed to hear: 'You'll be fine in thirty seconds, you've done this before, it's a fun experience.'

But the feeling didn't go away. I began to have terrible, racing thoughts that I was about to die. That I needed to call an ambulance.

I remembered that I'd taken MDMA less than a month ago - what if there was some kind of serotonin syndrome happening? I was convinced that I was going to die if I didn't get help. The feeling was true terror. I leaned over to my girlfriend and muttered something about overdosing and MDMA interactions. She looked at me with a terrified expression, and said 'please don't say that, please don't say that, please don't say that' over and over. I could tell I just made her feel as terrified as me.

I suddenly felt the urge to vomit. Luckily we'd placed a trash can right next to the bed in case of nausea. I gagged a couple times, then threw up DXM. I had taken it on an empty stomach, and I hadn't hydrated enough.

The exact moment I finished puking, I felt amazing. I felt so warm compared to the icy terror. I told my girlfriend 'I feel so good now, I just had to puke, it's so good now, I feel great' and she was visibly relieved and our panic attack vanished.

But I did something I shouldn't have - I removed my glasses when I was puking. When I lied back down, I was completely blind. I have such bad vision that I can only see things an INCH away from my face.

I lied down and closed my eyes. I saw the ceiling, clear as if I was sober. A couple of hours later, I entered the scariest head space of my life.

(~8:00) I'll describe what happened next from my perspective and then from my girlfriend's. She had begun to sober up around the 8 hour mark. She later told me that I seemed as though I was just sleeping and she talked to me a little. I was still tripping hard, and beginning to experience things I never expected.

In my mind, I was experiencing strange abstract situations that had no bearing on my life at all. The view from our window captivated my mind for a bit. Even though I couldn't even open my eyes, I was flying around the city imagining Godzilla was fighting some weird planes. When I think hard, I can associate this picture with my impressions of some SNES games from my childhood.

(~10:00) I entered a strange world of pure reverberation. I couldn't see or touch or heard anything. I saw one color: white. I don't remember any shapes, but I'm sure that there were some ripples and some objects that may have appeared in my mind. There was no sound.

I didn't know what was going on because there was no me. This wasn't a memory, it was pure sensory dissociation. I can't even begin to describe it - it was every possible feeling and at the same time, I felt nothing. This was ego death.

I had no conception of time. According to my girlfriend, I spent nearly three hours in this state. I'm certain that at this dosage, experiences are unique.

Suddenly I heard noise. I tried desperately to focus on it. I remember the fear I felt in that moment. I imagined myself in a hospital, nurses shouting at me to keep breathing. I just heard a voice - that's all. I was certain that I was going to die of serotonin syndrome. I didn't feel myself breathing. I couldn't feel my body - I didn't have a body. There was just my consciousness and dead space all around me.

The next moment I had visuals. I saw colors other than white and I the terror slightly lifted. But only slightly. I was still so afraid, I didn't know what I was looking at. I couldn't understand the voice. I knew I was being shaken. I also knew that someone was trying to talk to me, to get me to say stuff. So I tried to interact. I don't know what came out of my mouth. I didn't know anything at that point. This lasted for some time.

Then, I was staring at the wall for a bit, when I suddenly realized that it was a wall. I realized I was in a room. That my girlfriend had just walked back in. Girlfriend. I remembered her name. That this was her place. She saw me and came to the bed. She tried talking to me but I didn't understand what she was saying. I tried asking her questions about where I was, who I was, why was I here, do I love you, why can't I remember anything, etc.

She looked at my and seemed very nervous.
She said 'you're saying gibberish' - the first words I understood.
'I am?' I said, to which she laughed. I assumed that I was still speaking gibberish.

She said 'do you know where you are?'
I said something in reply. I don't know what. I tried to communicate all of my feelings, but the look she gave me told me that I had just spoken more gibberish to her.

'Do you know where you are? Can you tell me your name?'
I replied again, trying to tell her that I didn't know who I was, that I thought I had died. Nothing good came out.

This went on for about an hour, apparently. I started mixing in words, surrounded by complete and utter gibberish. I was literally speaking in tongues. She took a video and showed me afterwards - it was absolutely shocking how truly gone I was. DXM is one hell of a drug.

'I'm scared you took too much... it's been 12 hours' she offered me water, and I couldn't sit up.

This thought made me truly scared and I started crying. I tried talking through tears but just more gibberish came. I couldn't hear the words that came out of my mouth, of course. There was no disconnect for me between thought and speech. She started talking about our times together, trying to get me to respond. I don't remember much from this point on. Apparently I fell back asleep for about 30 minutes.

(~1:00) When I woke back up again, it was the same way. Suddenly, a voice and shapes materialize out of the overwhelming white static.

I again, didn't know where I was and I was back to square one. She did it all again. This time, I could move, and I made it to the living room. I drank water.

Sometimes, I'd mix in a word of gibberish with my sentences or just suddenly make no sense and start rambling like a toddler, speaking nonsense words, according to my girlfriend. For me, it was a confusing and shocking experience. I felt as if I had just been born at 19 years old. This is not a metaphor - I felt as if I had woken up in a room with a stranger. Like this was my entire life, like I was born in that room. My long term memories, my relationship, my fucking childhood - the emotions, the sensations, the details,
everything is just a shadow or disappeared entirely.

I went back to sleep for an hour. Woke up again, started speaking gibberish to her again for 5 minutes. She was really scared at that point, so was I. But from then on, the effects wore off. I could walk around capably at 16 hours. At 24, I felt sober, but changed.

This experience erased who I was. I will never try DXM or any similar dissociative ever again. It's been almost 2 months and I'm still piecing together the fragments of my shattered personality. Everything special to me has been rendered alien by this drug. I just want to be me again.

I feel so disconnected from my past now.

The special moments that I clung to for meaning, for my entire life, suddenly lost their intensity this one night.

Exp Year: 2016	ExpID: 109773
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 19
Published: Feb 24, 2017	Views: 9,347
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