DOSE:

oral

Ayahuasca

BODY WEIGHT:

160 lb

Please take this with a grain of salt as I know that 'my truths, may not be the truths' and I may have been told what I needed to let go of my insurmountable grief.

I found out my child had a inoperable condition and could very well die soon. (This has since turned to happier news, as nothing new has happened in years. So it went from 'now' to 'could be 50 years, just wait and watch').

I have been very religious all of my life. I have never had my faith fail me. I was content letting go to God if it was my father or myself, but I was the one who had to protect my son. I contemplated suicide to make sure his daddy would be there waiting for him, but knew better as I have 3 other children. I never had that thought again, but I knew I would break if the worst happened and I didn't know.

(As I wrote this, I could feel the pain I had before and should have never tried to hide from my family, much less my wife. Keeping a smile for the day and breaking down at night.)

I searched everything to try to remove my need for faith and to have some proof of the afterlife. Near Death Experiences, astral projection.

Then I happened upon DMT. I researched it whole heartedly, I learned how to make it. Read everything I could on it. I tried to make friends on [forums] who could help me understand better about what the material was. I had convinced myself (through Strassman and many other esoteric [forum] posts) that DMT could be the knowledge of the Tree of Good and Evil. Meaning this was something that could be an affront to the God I wanted to find so dearly.

Even so, I was weary of faith. I had to know. I had agonized over this decision for almost 18 months, and I got deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole. Anything someone reported that could talk to you or show you external entities that wasn’t DMT I had to research.

I had gone so far as the heroic 5g Mushroom dose in the dark alone in the woods (and promptly freaked the hell out as I thought about McKenna and his Alien fears). All I could think of on the heroic dose was… maybe this is how the aliens get you and this is all a trap. Put yourself out in the wilderness alone and that somehow it was possible the Mushrooms allowed them to find you like a marker.

My experience went from the forest to… sweating near my computer in the dark with all my cheap LED toys taking my fears away.

But I didn’t hear voices nor meet anyone those nights.

After I had communed with the mushrooms and 2 types of cacti I still didn’t find answers. I was scared if I went over on DMT my despair would make me challenge anything I saw. I was looking for a fight, and Hyperspace isn’t the place to go for one.

I released myself and told my church and family that I had to search for God all over the world.
This started my trip to Peru.

Ceremony

I had walked off into the jungle to cry. I was finally going to get my answers. I have been in so much pain for so long. As I was able to dry my eyes I remember being upset because they took my music away from me before the ceremony started. I had a playlist of Jason Mraz and Alan Watts. I thought to myself “how dare they take my mp3 player”. Heh I had a chip on my shoulder as I thought I knew better than the group I went to visit there.

The taste wasn’t horrible, but it stuck to my teeth I sat for a while after brushing my teeth and just thought to myself, enjoying all of the beautiful people near me. I could feel the effects coming on. But I also started feeling very, very tired. So I sat up and prepared to puke, my only experience was hoasca. The rue seemed poisonous compared to the Caapi. I heard others starting to purge in the silence and then the chimes started from all over the room.

Tired…
I was so tired, I had to fight to stay awake All I could think of was “this isn’t right, I have never been tired on a hallucinogen”. Then I thought back to all the food that I had eaten over that week because it felt like if I let myself fall asleep I might die. Since there is a strict diet for heath reasons I started fearing I ate the wrong thing and I could die! I had thoughts that the shaman would just throw me in the woods (even though there was a doctor on the camp).

I called over one of the facilitators and explained I thought something was wrong. She said it was ok to sleep, but then my head went back to the dark spot and I thought... “I have 4 kids to feed and a wife that depends on me, I can’t die.” And devised a way to stay awake. I got on my elbows and knees and as I dozed off my head would hit the floor and wake me up. The moment that ended I felt like I was on a high speed train moving faster than light across this universe. but I was still in the room with all of the beautiful musicians and shaman at the same time.

That is where my despair hit its high point.

Fight
I distinctly understood there was something in my head with me, and we weren’t staying there. I was through, but still there… If I closed my eyes I was on the other side, if I opened them I was in the dark jungle watching the dances and listening to the most beautiful music (well for as long as she would let me).

The fight began…
“Where is God”. My anxiety started rising.
-“God is not here” she said. My worst fears were coming to fruition, that somehow all of the signs were wrong.
“F*** you then, I don’t need this, I need God” I told her. “Let me off this train”.
-“Stop” she said,
“F*** you! No! I have to know, I have traveled too far and for too long”.
-“I can help you with this pain”.
“I am here for my son, there is nothing you can say to take me off that path, if God isn’t here then I really don’t need you. Help others.”
-“Hmmm”
I had won. She let up, like we were waiting at a bus stop.
Almost like it was a “how is the weather” conversation. She signaled that I had “outwilled” her.
Then she told me... “I kept you from falling asleep for a reason, I can’t help you over there if you cross without me”.

-“So Can I pretty please help you?”
- “Come on… “
-“Pretty please?”
This is where the possession started… she could make me move or speak.
I physically started poking myself. She started making me speak!
“Get over yourself' I must have repeated a dozen times, and not of my own volition.

-“I will show you things I don’t normally show people”
I responded very firmly “If you lie to me in any way, this conversation will end”.

I saw a flash, not sure if it was her trying to convince me or if a biblical figure actually stepped in, but I saw the 'old standard' picture of of this figure in my head and he said 'Let it go'. While I was explained his place in the plan later in the evening, I didn't have any more contact with that entity throughout the experience. I had a “really this is a sincere search, you have nothing to worry about”.

I completely let go. As I did, I could feel the acid coming up out of my stomach and I purged what seemed to be more than I had eaten in a few days.

-“you need to relax a little”.
- “I am not saying there is no God, what I am saying is that I am not God.”.
-“Can I tell you about him, and how much he loves you. You are very lucky these are things I don’t show many people understand your pain requires this knowledge to heal”. I had an understanding that the knowledge that would be gained in this profound way would break others, and I had to see it to heal and be able to let go if I had to.

I had this insurmountable yearning to see God, to know I could let go and let him take over. There has been this energy I have felt in my busy as a child, I always thought it was some sort of “ESP”, except I couldn’t ever manipulate anything. It was like I was channeling my rage into that energy. For the first time ever it felt like it released and she finally gave up what was behind the curtain… she told me the mechanics of the universe.

At that moment all I could think of what the DMT spirit molecule, where the guy said “The being asked me what I wanted to see, and I replied what can you show me”.

Throughout the night, if I got mesmerized by the facilitators or Shamans song or dance, she would make me wave them off and made me speak, “Not yet, we still have work to do”.

Below are some of the revelations, though they are randomly placed. (Not posting any at this time). I wrote this up for a couple of friends originally so the reveals aren't well documented yet, just plain answers.

... For now I have to temper what I can speak about. As I know this could all be in my head. I was told after by the people who hung out with [ ] and the shaman that I had a 'extraordinary' experience and she doesn't lie. That once I was able to talk to her one time I could return and talk to her again very easily and that getting to that 'love' required an extraordinary about of pain.

Near the end of the ceremony (1 hour maybe?) One of the women in our group was going through some deep pain, she was sobbing uncontrollably.. The Shaman started talking a song in English I later found out was the Hopo ponopono. 'I'm so sorry, please forgive me, I love you, Thank you'. Then others in the group started in with him as if the collective love we felt in the room at this time allowed us to comfort her. Within 2 - 3 minutes she was back with us, resting from the trauma. I realized what the shaman was there for.... to pull us out of our own head.

Throughout the night I had the most amazing hallucinations. I distinctly remember hearing the shaman play a marocca but his hands weren't moving. Between hearing 20+ people puking, crying and laughing in what seemed to be to any passerby a 'dome of madness'.

The person I had next to me, was extremely cool.. my purge bucket was kicked over and part of it hit his blanket... He immediately said 'no worries, I have been watching you for a while. Get back in there'. Every few minutes being pulled out of the conversation as the staff had mopped up and cleaned the bedding.

One thing it seemed to do for everyone.. face the pain and release it.

Finally she didn't seem to have knowledge of things she had no contact with.

I hope everyone has this type of experience with their individual groups. The music was like a live concert with beautiful singers and at least 20 kinds of instruments played. It seemed like we were in the middle of a symphony of sound by people with multiple albums under their belts. All of the volunteers were great musicians.

I had a time after where I told the group about my fears of this being somehow 'unholy' and got a laugh, was told about Sante Daime and the leader whipped the cross out to be visible that I had no idea was against his chest all night.

I have even attempted to convince myself it was all a hallucination. None of it matters it seems that hole in my heart is gone now.

God is the Universe itself and it is all from Love.

The way I was told to explain it... Think about a fairy garden. Think about how sad you would be when they were sad, and how happy you would be when they were happy...

I can try to explain the magnitude of the images and words I heard. I have never had anything 'speak through me'.

When I asked her her name, she told me to think about the love you felt as your mother held you and that people gave things names and she didn't need one. But I was told she took many forms and she was just a small part of that larger force.

I was told if my experiments with proving that you could bring information back from the other side were documented and worked, then it would be 'breaking the rules and reality'. That it would not help others and would make their job way more difficult and not have the expected results that I had initially wanted... To call God out as I believe if he is real, we need him so people quit acting like they do.

One thing that was noted was, people get confused over there and are tricked into thinking they are God because they are a part of him. And if this happened, to tell them to stop it all and end the universe when they return because they will have that choice at some point. It would fail and they would receive a lesson from it.

The very specific answer I got that I needed: 'The universe loves your son more than you ever could. You don't need to worry even if things go wrong. Spend your time loving him rather than in pain over something that will happen eventually to all of us'.

I am God… people get confused on this one… she told me the way I could let them disprove it themselves was to tell them to end it all, if they were having that delusion they would have a choice to end existence. Tell them to choose yes. Nothing will happen. There is a lesson there.

God is love. That is where the journey began.

Universe – It is God, like we have an unwrapped new bicycle on the front porch that we never plan on riding.

Love… it is all love

My wife – Fell in love 20 different ways, this came from questioning “why death”.

How do I help you back -
Grow me.

Fairies- Explanation to people who don’t have a good reference for God. If you had a fairy Garden.

Hyperspace- Random number generator. Don’t take too much meaning from it, it lies to keep you busy. It’s meant to keep people and give them adventures. If you had to keep God entertained… how would you go about it… “random as heck” adventures.

Dad – I am going to lose my dad…. Immediately I knew I had to tell him everything now about how proud I was to be his son. That God was real and it was all Love.

Son - God loves your son more than I do

Prophets - Not the only way to God. People need to stop saying this. It’s disingenuous. Even Jesus is irrelevant compared to God, as he just taught us how to live and wanted us to see that love. He was never part of the plan, but had to be as we lost our way from the love again.

Chosen people – Everyone is God’s chosen people. We are all his children.

Mom (people who were already doing it right).



Miracles
- Why you shouldn’t ask for them (2 kids one gets a toy because you feel like he needs it, the other shouldn’t ask jealously
- people notice miracles now.

Hell
Emotions anti of love- if you hang on to those you go with it. Being a truly bad person.

Thoughts on Muhammad, though I never specifically asked. I feel like he had the experience I had, then when he went far enough away and over time, he fell back into man’s game and everything went awry. He may have fallen into the trap many do when they have these experiences thinking “I am God, so I can do anything”.

Things she shouldn't show me.
What happened after my own death... said I would need to die to find out but not to worry.

Things she couldn't show me.
If my wife had an affair. Straight up 'I don't know', but she convinced me that my hang ups were not hers and from what I had in my head, it seemed like I was just being paranoid. That my wife was love and I needed to stop punishing her for things I would do that she wouldn't.

If my son would live.

If she knew the shaman 'no, but I like him'.

What was going on in other people's experience.

How I know this was special
A friend tried to prove me wrong and is a seasoned traveler, maybe in the top 5% in the world types. He went in to disprove the love theory and it seems like the Joker was playing his games. He saw despair and loneliness. Then something happened were he was sad about life due to a child as well, though not as extreme as death. He said he was told 'this is on you' and as he finished his lesson he felt that Love I had described.

The shaman and the folks I later found out hung out with [ ] pulled me aside after my group 'experience report' said that they hear this kind of stuff rarely, but it is reserved for people in immense pain. The shaman told me I was blessed and would be able to return to this conversation whenever I drank again.



Where are the standard messages she gives. Loud and clear captain. She doesn't want society to stop. Said it's the only way we can open God's present of the universe. That there are mysteries out there we can get to if we can stop playing man's self-created games. We don't need to stop, but we do need to be responsible.

Told me to plant her in my gardens.

Showed me how money hurt us all, that my son may not have had his issues if people didn't pollute the earth and it all made God sad (like the fairy explanation). Pollution led to cancer which led to unneeded pain.

I was also told the same thing as Terence about mankind killing itself off (He will not reset the earth again, this time if it does reset it will be all Man's doing. She called it the 3rd reset).

But I didn't get the dread Terence did as the rest of the story was. After the reset people will remember their lessons and fix things. So there will be less pain and will let us fix this stuff (while not forever, for a long while). This is the second time reincarnation entered the conversation. That if we were going to be back, we'd rather be back after the reset.

Afterlife...
Again, PLEASE do not read into this too much, I believe what I saw because it was all too real to me in the jungles.

We lived this life and we were judged. But also we had a choice in part of it. As we died, anything 'anti-love' was removed from us and put into a void. If we held onto those feelings we would go with it. Also if we made the world a worse place to be in, though all of this was tempered with 'the life we were given'.

That most people are not evil, but rather man stood in mans way before God, because you control that. You can control every aspect of man. That most people are trying to see him using incorrect assumptions built on evil men in the past.

God was never hiding, that in fact he created the universe out of himself. That we were living inside of him, and just to see any object was seeing God. This part made me weep for 2 days. I felt like a fool trying to call him out and make him show himself.

I now take issue with many parts of my religion and others. I realized how inconsequential Christ was and that he would have never been a part of the story at all if God didn't feel the need to tell us how to live. Also that we concentrate too much on his death and not enough on the 'love one another' parts (Christ in my visions was the 2nd reset).

The bible is wrong for sure, Christ would never stand in the way of someone seeking God, and if you think about it. It makes perfect sense. There are many paths there. The 'The only way to God is through Christ' part screams that someone added that. That Jesus was there to bring us to him, but if you found him on your own. You were also fine.

Also while we are part of God, we are not 'he', nor do we understand his consciousness. However, I also had a lot of conversations on how there were miracles, but they had always been auto correcting.. Where back 300 years ago any miracles would fold back into time and be forgotten about, due to the internet we couldn't have many now because the same 'forgetting' system won't work.

Again it seemed like when we die, our souls are cleaned of all the pain this world brought and that pain was put into a void so we didn't carry it along with us. It seemed like that freed us to be 'a fairy' again and to join every other clean soul.

Other auto corrections were Hyperspace and plants that were meant to help wipe away some of the pain we were caused by other man.



I feel like I have a new family now. While scattered over the globe it seems like there is an underground movement to get Ayahuasca out into the open everywhere. I was told there were dozens of ceremonies weekly in places like New York. I found my way into this group via a burn.

I no longer believe in the Kingdom of heaven, but rather the Garden of heaven.

Even attempting to persuade myself this was all in my head, the pain is still gone. I felt that love and nothing can shackle me back to those insecurities.

On a side note everything in my garden grew substantially while I was gone. 2 weeks of growth when I left for 4 days including the plane trip.

I was still under for 2-3 hours after the main group was up and getting served food. It seemed like 20% of us were journeying for near 10 hours. Even after that: 'It's like you are on a huge amount of acid, but because you are back. It seems tame'.

One of my close friends from here told me something that made me proud after: 'I know folks who won't go get fresh food to get their kids healthy, you gave up your faith and traveled past the ends of the earth for yours. You once called yourself a paladin, you are'.

~ I met a Shaman.

Exp Year: 2017	ExpID: 110329
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: May 2, 2017	Views: 1,736
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Ayahuasca (8) : Group Ceremony (21), General (1)