DOSE: T+ 0:00	5 g	oral	Mushrooms	(dried)
T+ 1:00	125 mg	smoked	Cannabis	(extract)

BODY WEIGHT:

240 lb

I ate 5 grams of dried mushrooms with a glass of orange juice. I went into my bedroom and watched the first episode of the newer version of the show “cosmos”. This was pretty intense to watch while coming up on a psychedelic. I’m sure it greatly influenced the direction my trip took. Set and setting is key. I’m not saying anything that happened was real, or if it was all in my head, or if I even know how to really define that anymore. This is just the story of what happened when I took a bunch of mushrooms.

After the episode was over I went outside and did an eighth gram hit of marijuana concentrate. Usually stuff I take through my stomach doesn’t work that well and the weed helps it kick in for me. I’ve tried mushrooms before without the weed mix and it didn’t do much. I wasn’t feeling too much until I did the dab. But then it was like fingers snap, mushrooms activate. I went quickly back to the bedroom and laid down.

It’s kinda hard to put into words the experience of going through an ego death type experience. I like a quote that I found. “It’s like being lost on a boat in the ocean. Then ocean starts to slowly disappear. Then the boat disappears. Then you disappear.” I slowly started to forget and detach from my sense of self. It felt like insanity. I literally felt like I was dying. My heart was beating out of my chest. I had that sense of impending doom they talk about. This was no joke. This wasn’t just some ego loss but a full on physical feeling death. As was laying there on the verge of a panic attack I somehow remembered some of the advise I read online. “The only way through this is to just accept it, if I try to fight it and I can’t let go it will only get worse and worse” It was absolutely terrifying but I was finally able let go. Time started slowing down and stretching out like my final moments were lasting an eternity. And then I died.

Imagine your sense of self is an ice cube. It was like being thrown into the ocean and instantly melting. Your identity as the ice cube disappears into the ocean but in the process you become the entire ocean. You realize that the ice cube was really just water this whole time. Dying wasn’t like falling asleep, it was like waking up from a dream. Imagine you had this really vivid dream you were living another life. You wake up in the morning start to move around and the dream fades from your memory. Where did that dream go? Do you really even care? It was just a dream.

This new state felt more real than normal reality. It wasn’t that I was dead and didn’t exist anymore. It was that I never really existed to begin with. My sense of self was just the sum total of all my body’s senses and my memories stored in the brain. As though my body was a living feeling video camera and I had been stuck in that single perspective my entire life but now I could exist from any perspective. I am not the body or the thoughts. I am the thing that is perceiving the thoughts. Some might call this the soul. But the soul is not me, because he didn’t exist anymore. Do a search for a video called “Imagining the 10th dimension.” It helped some of this click for me after the trip was over and I was searching online trying to find out what the fuck just happened to me.

I experienced what could be called “God” as this video’s explanation of the “10th dimension.” “God” as I perceived on this trip, is nothingness. The void that everything arises from. The white hole that contains everything but is at the same time nothing itself. The only perceiver. The only soul. The entire universe is consciousness itself and I had re-merged with it. All that exists is this reality experiencing itself in as many ways as it can. It’s like an infinite chameleon that is playing a big game of hide and seek with itself. The really odd thing was that it all seemed so familiar as if I had done this many times before.

It’s really hard to explain the next parts because it seemed like everything happened all at once, not in a linear way. It wasn’t like time stopped, it was like time didn’t even exist. It’s hard to even recall this part in my memory because I was so far gone. I can’t really recall details, more the like broad strokes of what happened. At this point it’s more like a memory of a memory.

Once I was awake I felt like I could move consciousness anywhere, be anything. From my body’s organs to rocks and trees to animals and other people. Time and space was of no consequence. It felt like I could surf down through molecules smaller and smaller to infinity and back up into outer space larger and larger to infinity. Reality is a set of those wooden nesting dolls but you can never get to the smallest or the biggest doll.

Hannah said I was moving around and it looked like I was doing reiki massage to the air for about 2 hours. I didn’t have any sense of anything that was happening here with my body. When I came down I was eating food at my desk with Hannah. Not really sure how my body got there. I realize this all sounds insane and you must think I am a crazy person. But that's because it was crazy. It was intense and insane and scary and the most amazing and baffling experience I've ever had.

It’s been almost two months and I’m still trying to make sense of it all. The best I can do is odd metaphors but it doesn’t really do it justice. Some of the more intense parts were beyond language. Imagine trying to explain color to a blind person. This can’t be properly explained, only experienced. Now that I’m not in that state anymore. It’s like I am also the blind person trying to explain color to himself after catching a brief glimpse of light.

I’ve been an atheist leaning agnostic my entire life. After this experience I feel like a true agnostic. And that feeling carries over to every aspect of my life, not just after life. I don’t know anything about anything and that’s ok. We are all just children pretending we have everything figured out. I am a very very skeptical person and I will never really believe what happened to me was real. It’s just as likely to me that this was all a drug experience taking place in my brain. However, my two greatest fears were insanity and nonexistence and I had to face both of them. After this experience those fears have been greatly reduced. The thing that really fascinates me are the people claiming these states of consciousness can be reached without drugs, but by using only meditation. I think maybe that’s where I go from here.

Exp Year: 2017	ExpID: 110963
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 32
Published: Oct 27, 2017	Views: 2,199
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