DOSE:

130 mg

oral

MDMA

(capsule)

BODY WEIGHT:

140 lb

This night was not supposed to happen. My friends and I usually go to footballs game under the influence of something (small town, boring people, boring game, you get the idea). I had dabbled in cocaine use a bit, and we decided we wanted to coke up before the game. We were unable to find any, but we remembered that we all had MDMA capsules, saved for a special occasion. We had all done some research beforehand. We made sure we were going to be hydrated and had sunglasses for our pupils. But to state it bluntly, we were not expecting much. At least I wasn’t. I was looking forward to the sociability and empathy of MDMA, and was expecting to it feel good. Cocaine always made me feel buzzed physically, kind of like a drunk buzz without the sloppiness. This is what I was expecting.

We all took the capsules at the same time. We were in a car on our way to the game, and we honestly didn’t know what it was going to feel like. My friend, Sam, had done it on one other occasion, and he said it makes you feel amazing. This sounded nice. But it was like he couldn’t really explain it. He said you’ll never be happier. I thought this was silly. Surely, it wasn’t that great. It couldn’t be.

[Erowid Note: Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. Don't do it!]
On our way to the game, we are sad that we’re not feeling anything yet. We stop off at gas station for sunglasses, and then, my heart starts racing. “Oh, I guess I’m rolling! See guys, my heart is racing and I feel kind of fuzzy”. What I didn’t realize was this this was only the come up. I stayed in this anxious jittery state for about twenty minutes, as did my other friends, Angel and Peter.

We finally made it to the football game, but something felt off. I didn’t feel right. This isn’t how MDMA should make you feel. I got out of the car, and suddenly, my eyes wiggled. It wasn’t just a little twitch, my entire vision became blurry for a good three seconds. I panicked, naturally. My heart was racing so fast, my vision was getting more blurry by the second, sweat seemed to drip out of every single one of my pores. Was this it for me? Was I really about to die at a high school football game? I didn’t know this at the time, but this is generally how the come up for MDMA feels – a sense of doom and an ominous sensation. We approached a group of kids, and the first they said was “Holy fuck, your eyes are huge!” I was still a nervous mess, begging my friends to leave, but Sam assured me I was okay. This felt nice – the assurance of safety. I don’t know why, but when he said that, I just knew everything was going to be alright.

You may be wondering, how does one know one is rolling? The come up was frightening, to say the least, but it was also exciting. As my body began to intake the MDMA, I felt something change in me – like a switch had gone off. The waiting was thrilling, like I was waiting to enter a new universe of some sort, a universe of cosmic and indescribable love. But I am getting ahead of myself. We finally reached the bleachers, our eyes big as dimes, and then, it hit me. Imagine standing under a waterfall, time moving in slow motion. You are standing there, just waiting for the water to hit you. And when it finally does, you freeze, become speechless. One second I was full of anxiety, wishing I hadn’t taken this damn pill. The next moment, and I really do mean one second later, I felt a powerful rush flow throughout my body , beginning at the top of my head and reaching all the way down to my toes. It was a strong, deep rush – it’s indescribable. It was as if the universe had grabbed me and wrapped me in a warm blanket. There was this synergy, flowing throughout my body. It made me smile, the biggest smile I’ve ever displayed. The lights got brighter, the people happier, my friends more beautiful. What was this odd feeling? Why does this feel so…genuine? I am on a drug, after all, is this actually real?

The thing about MDMA is that, it is real. This feeling that was spreading throughout my body, it was so real, the most tangible feeling I can imagine. What is happening to me? I can’t stop smiling. I can’t stop beaming! After a brief period of awe, it finally hit me – that unconceivable marvelous roll. My body was warm, but it was a new sensation. In fact, every touch was a new sensation. My skin was the softest skin I’ve felt, my hair was the most perfect blanket sitting right on top of my head, and my friends friend’s hand whose I was holding, the most intimate connection. This word kept popping into my mind, “why”? Why do I feel like this? Everything is so amazing, it’s like I’ve never seen this stuff before! Why do I feel a connection to all these people, like I’ve known them for years? With a smile ear to ear, I knew I was in ready for something special – something life changing.

Like I said before, MDMA gave me empathy. But this feeling of love I experienced after my come up was spectacularly intimate. I have never felt like that in my life. The odd thing was, it felt normal. This was very bizarre to me, why doesn’t this feel unnatural to have this close and intimate connection with people? When the waterfall hit me, those thrilling waves of love and energy, I had a song to sing. This was not a real song, but it just came out of my mouth, like it was a secret song I had been hiding. I turned around to see my best friend Max, and like a child, began to sing these words; “This is what love feels like, being with the ones that you love, this is what love feels like”. This is so true, and I will comment on this later, but this song has always stayed with me. I felt like I was a very small innocent child, kind of carrying around this big bucket of love. But the bucket was far too big for me, far too heavy. I had to empty this bucket somehow, but how could I do this? Simple – hug people. Embrace friends. Cherish friendships. Tell people how much you appreciate them. Kiss your beautiful friends. And of course, smile. The amount of love I felt was overwhelming, but in a good way. Max and I were close before this moment, but he turned into the greatest friend of all time after turning around and seeing him. I thought “We are good friends, so I should just tell him I love him”. And I did, I hugged him and told him he was a great person, but why hadn’t I done this earlier? What was it about this substance that makes you say all the things you’ve always wanted to say?

I had been peaking for about five minutes at this point in my story. I want to make a note that may help clarify the intense amount of pleasure I was feeling at this point. Imagine that every move you make is accompanied with a great and profound amount of pleasure, and I really do mean every move. Moving my neck, moving my arms, even my jaw – pure bliss. Beyond bliss. It was pure euphoria, a celestial euphoria. I felt a deep sense of connection with not only my friends, but with the universe. I felt belonging, and that my life was how it should be, that I was right where I was supposed to be. Content, with a flowing magic channeling my body. I use this word a lot when describing the physical effects of MDMA, magical. It’s not an overstatement, it is completely magical. This is why it is so hard to explain to someone the utter beauty of MDMA, because it is so ethereal, but it feels so organic.

There was something communal about that football game; even the people I didn’t like, I was able to look past any prejudgments I had about them. What was this drug doing? This sensation of community and love was like an invisible force field, everyone was connected and I couldn’t even think of a negative thought. And although I felt this bond with everyone, the real magic lied in the bond I experienced with my friends. MDMA is not a psychedelic, but it radically changes my perception. More specifically, my perception of people. My friends were transformed into something bright and shiny, they had this aura of splendor. I can say that everything appears soft and smooth on MDMA, like people’s faces, but this perception of my friends was not as visual as it was mental. All my friends, smiling and having fun, were glowing with this special something, but I couldn’t understand what it was. I have never felt so much love for people in my life. Intense feelings of equality and friendship accompanied the physical sensation. But these feelings were new, I had never experienced them. I was able to look at my friends, appreciate them, love them, and it all felt so natural, but also like a dream, a perfect dream.

Being in this state at a football game was not smart, and we left about twenty minutes after peaking. I will say that, from experience, people were able to look at us while we were rolling and know that we were on something. So we decided to leave, which in hindsight, was great idea. None of us could contain ourselves; one second we were hugging, then telling people how much we cared for them, them just beaming that MDMA smile. When we left, I held Angel’s hand on the way to the car, feeling like a child holding their mother’s hand. There is something so innocent about MDMA, it’s like rediscovering the entire world and loving someone for the first time. As we walked, we talked about our family, how our lives were at the moment, and how each of us were doing. We all listened to each other, we were each so open about our lives. It’s like all our barriers had been melted and we could just talk to each other, about anything. Mind you, these people I rolled with were not my good friends at the time, but as we continued rolling, they became important to me, like long lost childhood friends. We got in the car, all of us in shock from how incredible this experience was. We had a sober driver at the time. I was sitting in the back seat with Peter and Sam, our bodies had melted into each other’s. We put on some music, and a new idea popped into my mind; MDMA makes me experience all the good in life in a physical way. A hug wasn’t just a hug anymore, it was a hug followed with a physical sensation of love; and music wasn’t just music anymore, it was a living force that surrounded me, putting me into a state of wonder. Everything in that car was just perfect. We each took turns telling each other how much we loved each other, calling our best friends and letting them know how amazing they are, and just enjoying the music and the friendship with each other.

We reached a friend’s house finally and this is where the beauty of MDMA was revealed to me. We all cuddled on a couch together, and I just couldn’t hold in all the happiness. It is no wonder why this substance has gained the name “ecstasy”, because there is really no other word to describe it. I have never been happier in my life up to this moment. Peter and I were not very good friends before, but as I lie there in ecstasy, I learned to appreciate him as my friend. Sam, although odd and unique in his own way, made me realize how much I cared for him and how happy I was that he was my friend. Angel transformed into a beautiful fairy; I loved her and all I could do was tell her how special she is. Michael, our sober driver, was not sure how to respond to so much positivity from people. We couldn’t stop telling him how good looking he was, and how he is such an amazing person. MDMA made me only experience good, I couldn't comprehend anything negative. It blinded ne to only see happiness, to only see the good in people.

I won’t bore you with the rest of my night. We embraced each other for the rest of the night, danced with this new found energy flowing through us, and talked about our lives in a new way. I wasn’t just listening to these beautiful people tell me about themselves, I was listening with care; I cared about them, about what they had to say. I loved them, I cherished this feeling. But love is such a simple word, the feeling I got from MDMA that night was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. At one point, the girl whose house we were staying at came home, and we attacked her with affection; pulled her out the car, embraced her, let her know how special she was to us. But wait, I’m on a drug? How can this be? This must be all from the drug, I don’t actually feel this way about these people? Or so I thought.

The beauty of MDMA is the reality of it; having that powerful and passionate feeling for the ones I care about is real. I do love those people, they are all so important to me and I am thankful for them being my friends. While my roll ended, I was laying on the ground with Angel, hand in hand. I looked into her eyes, her perfect face was staring into my eyes. Why was this so beautiful? I couldn’t wrap my mind around the beauty of friendship, of love, and of these people. I told her I loved her, but it wasn’t forced; this is when I realized MDMA is so much more than a simple drug; it’s an opportunity to let go, let go of my fear in showing how I feel. It’s a journey of emotions, a journey of love and peace and equality. Only on MDMA will people kiss each other just for the fun of it, only on MDMA will people let others know how amazing they are. MDMA showed me love, a cosmic innocent love I am struggling to explain. It was all love and appreciation, beauty and ecstasy in everything I touched.

To end this first chapter, I want to talk about what I learned, and what I still wanted to know. By the end of the night, I was floored by how real it all felt. It’s a drug I thought? It’s all in my head. All the love, the appreciation, the beauty in the little things of life, like a simple hug of a smile. Why is this illegal? It’s so much more than a drug, it’s a new reality. It’s a new way to express myself, to see the good in people and look past all the negativity surrounding me. MDMA taught me something that night; it’s easy to get along with everybody. Showing how I feel about someone shouldn’t be difficult, I should just let them know. It’s that easy. But I was still left with a lot of question about MDMA, why was this feeling so incredible? Why is every move I make accompanied with a wave of emotion, of pure ecstasy?

I went home feeling like I was a new person, like I had this new found emotion that was locked inside of me for eighteen years. This experience was the happiest I have ever felt in my life, and it truly taught me to appreciate my friends, and that showing love unconditionally….it’s really not that difficult.

Exp Year: 2018	ExpID: 111464
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 18
Published: Apr 30, 2018	Views: 7,368
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MDMA (3) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2)