DOSE:	repeated	oral	Kratom	(liquid)
	repeated	oral	Smarts - Phenibut	(liquid)
	repeated	insufflated	Methamphetamine	(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

140 lb

I'm currently 24 years old. I've been an active user of psychoactive compounds since I was 15. I have done about 80 different chemicals and plants. I've been through addiction several times. Cocaine, heroin, adderall, kratom, DXM, phenibut, alcohol, and meth were the ones that took a part of my life away from me. This experience is about my recent relapse.

I moved to Colorado from San Francisco in september 2016 to live with my older sister. I went through a psychosis in SF. I stayed sober at my sisters until 2 weeks went by. I began ordering etizolam and clonazolam. Didn't take long for her to kick me out. I was homeless in CO from november 2016 to jan 2017. I began using meth again around that time. When I use meth I don't eat or sleep. I do not take care of myself when I'm using meth. I found myself standing half naked in snow after a 2 week blackout on the streets. I was on alcohol, benzos, weed, and meth at that point. I was cold, confused, crazy, and dying. I lost everything I owned. My sister found me standing there and drove me to the hospital. That's where I found out that I couldn't walk due to frost bitten feet. I was taken to a rehab a day later in a wheelchair. So as you can see meth takes me down quick. I reached rock bottom and never wanted to go down that road again. I graduated from the rehab and worked there for 9 months. It was february 2018 and I quit my job at the rehab. I figured I was ready to move on with my life.

A few days after quitting my job I began using kratom again. I had kratom under control. I wasn't addicted per se. I remember sitting in my room and I had just dosed up on kratom. I thought to myself “why not just stick with safer psychoactive compounds. I'm already taking kratom”. So I bought some phenibut online. The phenibut came a couple days later. I began mixing my kratom with the phenibut and drinking the mixture every 8 hours or so. Phenibut made everything better. Once it starts kicking in I can tell it's going to be a great day. It makes me feel more social, contempt, and calm. I feel loved whenever I'm on phenibut. The kratom gave me the motivation and energy. It was the perfect mix.

I was out for a walk when I met a homeless couple. Being in the drugged up state I'm in, I sat down and talked with them. They were obviously on meth. It wasn't until this very point that I decided I want some. I wanted to give me more time to think about it. I got up and walked back home. I sat in my room trying to reason with my addict self. I was pacing back and forth trying to decide whether or not to buy some meth. Id think to myself something like “I can just use this meth for one day. Then I'll start applying for jobs”, “wait. I can't do that. If I like it this time then of course I'm going to use it more often”. This went on for hours. Its like I killed my normal self and had the addict take over. I shut myself up and went to the ATM. I took out only 10 bucks. Since I have no tolerance I knew that 10 dollars worth would keep my high for a whole day.

I spent about 8 hours trying to find anyone that's holding. Didn't feel like 8 hours because I kept my high going on that kratom and phenibut mixture. Time fly by on phenibut. I ended up not finding anyone. I went home and felt relieved that I couldn't score. I had no future plans on trying to score, until the next morning. I woke up, dosed up, and got out of the house to find some meth. An hour into my walk I came across the homeless couple from before. I asked them where I can score. They interviewed me assuming I'm a cop. After all I don't look at all like a meth user. I'm well spoken and dressed. I convinced them that I'm not a cop. The homeless guy took me to a guy who is holding. That dude also assumed I was a cop. He was extremely paranoid. We walked for about an hour trying to find a place where he can weigh a 10$ bag. He went inside a public bathroom. I calmly waited outside drinking my mixture. He came out and gave me the bag. I went home and promised myself to not even look up porn. I know what will happen if I do. I will lay down with my computer on my stomach and jerk off for at least 8 hours without moving. I wouldn't drink water, or even stretch. This happens everytime I use meth with no tolerance. So I layed out the meth and crushed it down with my ID. It was maybe .2g. Way more than what I planned on getting.

I snorted 3/4s of the line. Immediately my nose burned. I started coming up about 30 seconds later and layed down enjoying this rush. Everything in my room became brighter and more intense in a good way. The warmness of the phenibut was perfect for this very moment. Normally with just meth I would be pacing back and forth trying to do anything. But this time the phenibut kept me calm. I was in heaven. This felt better than when I used to do heroin. I continued laying down and played music from my laptop. Which was very hard to do, because my mind was racing. It was hard to get myself to do anything but to enjoy this very moment. I dragged my computer towards me and played These Days by Nico. It was better than any ecstasy I've ever had. The music was like having a full body orgasm. I decided it's time to jerk off. I told myself that I'll just make 5 tabs of videos and finished within and hour. What felt like an hour turned out to be 8 hours. I was shocked when I looked out my window to find it night. I was still extremely high. I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I had to be quiet because my roommates are sleeping and unaware that I use drugs. I turned off my computer, turned off the lights and decided to stretch and meditate while I come down.

After an hour or so of doing that I took a vitamin, drank a ton of water, and forced myself to eat 3 bananas. Eating was almost impossible. My mouth was incredible dry and I've been clenching my jaw for the last 10 hours. It took me about 45 minutes to eat those bananas. I layed in bed not planning on sleeping rather hoping I can relax my body and mind through the comedown. I began coming down very hard, so I drank my mixture. It was maybe 5am at this point. Once the mixture kicked in I felt much better. As if I hadn't even done meth but had some strong coffee instead. I layed down until 6am. I took a shower, brushed my teeth, and got ready for the day. What was I getting ready for? Well to buy more meth. I just didn't realize that yet. It's like the meth had full control over my mind and body. I felt great even though I didn't get sleep. I left the house around 8am and found meth around 4pm. I played video games and did some reading this time instead of jerking off. I couldn't jerk off if I tried because my dick is all scratched up and sore. I didn't sleep that night either.

I went on a 3 day binge and slept the fourth day. I barely ate the whole time. I wasn't taking care of myself at all. Right before I fell asleep after the binge I was laying in bed totally paranoid. I couldn't help but think my roommates are talking about me. After enough phenibut and kratom I was able to sleep. I woke up, drank my mixture, and snorted the leftover meth. It was about .1g and did nothing but woke me up a little bit and prevented me from eating food. I'm writing this experience on that .1g. My plan for the day is buy .4g whenever my guy hits up and save it for tomorrow morning so I can guarantee that I'll sleep well tonight.

I have about 2 grand saved up so I'm not too concerned about money. However I don't have a job. I hope that I finish my .4g within two days, sober up, get healthy, and continue looking for work. I don't plan on quitting kratom and phenibut but I do plan on never taking meth again. I have to never take meth again.

Addiction is very strange. I know what happens when I use meth, but I somehow convince myself it not going to be the same. Meth does absolutely nothing for me other than give me energy, and a surge of serotonin and dopamine. I'm lazy, I don't get anything productive done, I lose sleep, I lose money, I lose my sanity, I destroy my physical health, I lose the people I love, I put myself at risk for jail. In AA they say that the end result of addiction if you continue to use is “ jails, institutions, death”. I have to work of my addiction for the rest of my life, because I do have an addict self inside of me that just won't go away. If you are struggling with meth addiction just known that there are many people like you and some of those people have the skills to not use. Find those people and befriend them. A tip on meth use. Make sure you, eat, sleep, drink plenty of fluids, take some vitamins, and make sure to get your circulation going. I felt the need to write this as a reminder to myself of the aftermath of meth. I hope you find this a helpful and/or fun read. Thanks

Exp Year: 2018	ExpID: 111674
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 24
Published: Mar 7, 2018	Views: 3,566
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