DOSE:

900 mg

oral

Ibogaine

BODY WEIGHT:

60 kg

Iboga as a Cure for Depression - Report on My Two Iboga Flood Sessions, Plus Experiences with Microdosing

I tried Iboga not because I have any substance addiction (zero!), but because I was hoping to be cured from the depressions I have suffered from all my life. I consider myself to be more sensitive than many other people and I had a bit of an unhappy childhood (depressive mother, authoritarian father).

I read the posts on forums about Iboga`s miraculous powers, watched the videos et cetera. I have tried other methods to rid myself of the depressions before:
1) psychotherapy (zero results),
2) yoga and meditation (helped, but did not heal me completely).

I found an experienced Iboga guide. He treats people in a lonely place, only he is present to guide and assist. I got my ECG and blood/liver function test. My QT/QTc interval was under the critical threshold, my liver looked strong enough. I stopped taking any medication weeks before the appointment and reduced my alcohol consumption almost to zero. I was accompanied by a friend who stayed at a rented apartment while I went through the session.

I was hoping that Iboga would reset me, that it would cure me from what I think of as a black demon sitting on my shoulder and making me waste my life on bad times, keeping me from making friends, having good relationships and success.

Session 1, duration: 24 hours
Flood dose, 15 mg/kg of body weight, HCl
I had the three regular phases: Visions; Questions and Answers; Healing and Rest.
When I felt the effects setting in, I asked “the spirits” for a soft treatment because I was afraid. Since I moved on the bed, I vomited early into the session and thus lost some of the substance.

First Phase, Visions:
My friend who was waiting for me at the apartment “came for a visit”, in the shape of a funny white object, bowing over me to see how I was doing.
My favourite musician leaving the stage after a performance.
Out of body experience: I saw myself from above, lying on the bed.
My mother on her deathbed.
My grandmother dying and dead.
The Grim Reaper (I looked away and opened my eyes which made him disappear).
Doors I did not go through (my guide had warned me that this would kill me).
I had visions similar to those that others have reported, but it all passed quickly and I was too afraid to open myself. I often opened my eyes which stopped the visions. After the visions ceased, things became quieter and I started asking questions.

Second Phase, Questions and Answers:
How can I get happy?
- Happiness is love and peace.
How can I find love?
- Give love, all the time.
How can I find peace?
- Shut out external disturbances.
What kind of partner do I need?
- A partner with a big heart, who also knows how to stop me (from exploiting kindness).
How can I put the past behind?
- Forgive and forget. Accept the past, but as the past. Live in the present and future.
How can I connect to others?
- Smile more. Talk more. (Added later: Do for others.)
How can I be stronger?
- Just be it.
How can I deal with pain?
- Either endure it, or remove it, or reject it. Do not pass it on to others, do not let others carry it.
How can I deal with fear?
- Stand up for yourself. You can do it.

Third Phase, Healing and Rest:
I saw surgical instruments on the ceiling, waiting to close in and work on me. I was afraid, did not let them come close.
I had some insights but less than what I had hoped for. In the days afterwards, there was no happy feeling, not the instant relief I had hoped for. Hence, I felt that the vomiting prevented me from having a full flood dose. My guide told me that I should have trusted “the spirits”. I felt that I had missed a chance and decided to go for another flood session, this time knowing better what to expect and do.

Session 2, 40 days later, duration: 24 hours
Flood dose, 16 mg/kg of body weight, HCl and TA combination
Three regular phases: Visions; Questions and Answers; Healing and Rest.
Asked “the spirits”: “Do what you have to do, please”. Stayed motionless. Did not vomit. Strong trembling.

First Phase, Visions:
The Grim Reaper penetrating my already open belly with his scythe. (Comment 1 my guide made later: “He cut into the bad thing inside you.” Comment 2 my guide made later: “If you want to be reborn, they have to kill you first.”). I felt fear, but no pain. I think he killed me, but I do not understand exactly what it was. I did not feel much. I felt a little surprised. Was it my wish to die fulfilled and then carried on without much ado?
My parents, small, blurry, silent. My mother was better visible, my father hardly at all. My sister did not appear. There was not much happening, I could not connect to them, they disappeared again quickly. They do not seem to play much of a role anymore.

Second Phase, Questions and Answers:
Why am I depressive?
- You are lazy, coward, comfortable and slow. If you tried harder, you would have what you need. You use your parents, your sensitivity, your traumas et cetera as excuses for your own idleness. What you wish for, you have to get yourself.
How can I make peace with my family?
- Forgive.
How can I stop being depressive?
- Stop being lazy, coward, comfortable, slow. Then things will develop. This is how you made the achievements in your life. But be careful to not burn yourself out.
What should be the priority in my life?
- Getting happy. You are good and honest already. There is nothing you owe in that respect.
What is this suffering good for?
- Nothing. It is a waste of time. Stop it.
Will it stop? When?
- When you are active, investing and creating energy. But you must not burn yourself out.

What comes after death?
- That is up to you. It depends on what you believe in.
Love is now the most important thing in my life. Therefore, I am dependent on it. How can I approach love, so that I am not dependent on it anymore?
- Find happy love among equals, not tainted love among co-dependants.
How can I have happy love?
- First get happy, by finding friends and a task. Invest energy, then energy will come back. Get active, meet people. Once you are happy, you will be ready for happy love.
What makes it difficult for people to love me?
- That you are weak and unhappy. That you take their energy.

One comment my guide made later: “Judge more with the heart, not only the mind.”

Third Phase, Healing and Rest:
The surgical instruments came back.
I invited them: “Do what you have to do, please.”
Some came closer and worked on me. Scanned me, my legs, parts of my torso, but not the head. Many stayed at a distance, black, inactive.
One comment my guide made later: “They know what they have to do.”

The sessions did give me important insights:
I have to forgive my parents. That will release stuck energy and enable me to move on.
I must not use my bad childhood (and other) experiences as an excuse for my idleness anymore. I have to put energy into meeting people, open up to them, put up with the strain they give me. Smile, talk, do for others. Stop suffering and pitying myself. Do not soothe myself with alcohol.
Connect to a partner that will both take and give. Do not connect to a partner that only takes OR gives. Both is wrong.
I have to find the energy for this, but not burn myself out (as I did in an earlier phase of my life).

What the sessions did not give me was the energy boost, the instant happiness that I read about. I seem to be in a capsule now, not happy, not very sad, nothing much. If I want to make a progress, I have to invest energy I do not have now. I have to find an energy booster to kickstart me. I will take up my yoga practice again et cetera, but I feel that this will not be enough.

I have turned to microdosing Iboga (one or two drops per day, placed under the tongue). I have written down the perceptions I have of myself, perceptions I have to change into what is written in the next line.
I am weak.
- I am strong enough.
I cannot change my world.
- I can change my world little by little.
I need someone to help me.
- It would be nice to have someone, but I have to do what I can do on my own. Help should be given mutually.
Everything I do fails.
- I have to keep trying, then something will turn out fine.
I am good for nothing.
- I can be good for something. Find it.

I am just waiting for death.
I am a burden to others.
- I am a burden if I only take. If I give or exchange, I will not be a burden.
I cannot defend myself.
- I can stand up for myself.
I will never find the right partner.
- My partner will come when I am ready. Therefore, I have to become ready.
I cannot truly get out of my old patterns.
- I can change, little by little.
The others are too rude for me to defend myself.
- Avoid dumb people. Stand up for myself.
Nobody likes me.
- I am OK.
I am not attractive.
- I am OK.
I cannot have a happy relationship.
- I can have a happy relationship when I am happier and not dependent.

I cannot do it alone.
- I have to start converting my life alone, then help will come.
I have achieved nothing in my life.
- I have achieved some good things when I put my energy into them. It is possible. I am intelligent, kind, well-educated and honest. There must be a place for me. I just must not burn myself out or give up too quickly.
Things always turn for the worse.
- If I try harder, some things will turn out fine.

What should I think of all this? Iboga did not blow away all my pains, sorrows and depressions. I now feel strangely drugged, as if in a capsule. I can drink huge quantities of alcohol without getting too drunk or developing a headache, but it sends me down in a deep black hole on the next day. My depressions are then worse than before. I have understood that I have to do all the things described above, and that this will slowly, little by little, make the causes for my depressions (loneliness et cetera) disappear. Only I myself can fix myself, blaming others for my bad state will not help in any way. The miracle I hoped for did not happen. I have to learn things I have neglected all my life, especially social skills.

Sleeping at night can be difficult. Dreams can be very “real”. I have difficulties concentrating on what people say. I tend to forget what I wanted to say before I finish it.

After two flood sessions and two weeks of microdosing, I am wondering if Iboga is slightly overrated. They say it cures heroin addiction, but its effects on my depressions are only so-so, it seems to me.

Exp Year: 2018	ExpID: 112689
Gender: Not Specified
Age at time of experience: 46
Published: Jan 28, 2019	Views: 5,831
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Tabernanthe iboga (200), Ibogaine (28) : First Times (2), Entities / Beings (37), Guides / Sitters (39), Depression (15), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)