DOSE:	repeated	oral	MDMA	(powder / crystals)
	1 mg	oral	Pharms - Lorazepam

BODY WEIGHT:

60 kg

The past couple of years were rough for me. I guess there has always been some form of depression lurking just inches beneath the surface, but I was generally okay. And I guess I've always felt a bit alienated from the world. But then I got into a very toxic relationship which brought all of it bursting through, a bit like an orca smashing through ice to devour a seal.

I've been in psychoanalytic therapy ever since, along with receiving some medication in the form of antidepressants. But medication never really worked much and psychoanalysis takes a long time to work. I began to understand myself a lot better and I started to deal with everything that felt off in my life. Thing is, it still felt off and I knew I had a long way to go.

Last November, I had some kind of breakthrough, and I'd thought I beat depression. You know, a kind of epiphany moment, where you think *now* I know. Things were good for a few months but as soon as I got better I was hit with more challenges. The toxic relationship that I had ended crept back into my life, my apartment was broken into, I was unemployed and was told two or three times "You got the job, contract will be arriving soon" only to have it snatched away in the last seconds. Even with my rediscovered strength it was simply too much and I gradually slipped back into depression. That made me feel so guilty, because I told my friends and family and even my therapist that I thought it was finally over and all of them were happy and believed in me.

Since I was making a switch in medication and had to take some time off meds, I thought, why not do MDMA once, a bit of happiness could help. So, I researched properly, made sure I had the appropriate supplements, waited the appropriate amount of time for the medication to get out of my system – and then tried it. I did it alone and wanted to enjoy myself, do some thinking, some honest self-searching. To preface, I'm not very experienced when it comes to drugs. I've done the occasional codeine, I did Kratom on and off, very seldomly smoked weed and did DXM twice but didn't really enjoy it.

This is still a bit of a story of unsafe use, I know – so, I had powdered MDMA and no scale. I did the 'dipping method' my friend that gave me the molly told me about. He's a good friend, I trust him and he's a sober person in general. Well, apparently, I was overly cautious because even two hours later I felt nothing. I was disappointed to say the least.

I then almost had a girl over and cancelled at the last second, because I was so emotionally volatile. Fast forward 15 minutes and I was crying in my bed. I took half a tablet of Lorazepam (I have it prescribed in reserve) to calm me down and then, out of sheer spite I did the dipping twice more and thought, well, if I was gonna die or anything, what does it matter anyway. Maybe it was just amphetamine and not even MDMA. Whatever.

Still sitting in my bed, two friends messaged me, saying they were worried about me and that I should join them the day after and they would take care of me. That display of compassion completely broke me and I was crying like at the height of despair, like back when my depression was the worst and I just didn't want to live anymore and dying also seemed like a bad option. That's the worst thing. Being undead. Unable to live, yet unable to die.

I was crying so much because I was completely unable to take that helping hand that was extended to me. So, I was curled up in bed, hunched over my laptop, blanket wrapped around me and just bawling my eyes out of so much disappointment, sadness, anger, hatred of myself (and even typing this out hurts).

And then, suddenly, unexpectedly, still crying in utter sadness, it hit me. And I don't know how to properly describe it. It just felt like someone, some entity much grander than me (and mind you, I'm not the spiritual or religious type) took that blanket I was huddled in away and exchanged it for a much warmer, softer blanket and that every fiber of that blanket softly stroked me and compassionately told me "It's gonna be okay".

Happiness is a weird word, and I don't like it much and it seems even more like a farce when I hear songs like that stupid Pharrell Williams tune. It sounds so disingenious to me. What I felt wasn't happiness in that sense. A much better word would be peace. Being at ease. All sorrows gone in an instant.

I then wrote to a friend "Oh, I think it's working" and she answered "Enjoy!". And I did. I felt like flying, like I wasn't a weighted body that has to use its muscles and willpower to move. Every move felt pleasurable – and easy. I stood at my window and breathed. Even though I live in the worst part of town, it felt like I've never ever felt air that pure. Because it came so unexpectedly (I had already forgotten I had taken some more), I was so overwhelmed that I totally forgot about my initial plan. To write a letter to myself, to just lay there and listen to the voices inside of me. I decided to go out for a walk because it was so nice outside. I texted my friend that even walking down the stairs felt not only amazing, but important.

Outside, I passed a group of girls and I was smiling so much, smiled at the girl in the middle and she just lit up with pure joy and watched me as I passed. And then I started to notice the people around me. Everyone says they feel connected, empathic, but that's not what I felt.

For the first time in years, I felt that I wasn't only connected, but that I actually *belonged* to them, that I was part of all of 'these humans' and not someone that looked at it from the outside, from a distance. I physically felt as if I were part of this space, this substance (and this instantly reminded me of Spinoza's philosophy of monism).

Passing through the streets, I encountered a homeless man, sitting in the midst of all these partying people, some making fun of him. I felt an immense compassion towards him. I asked him if there was anything I could do for him. He told me he was hungry and wanted to eat, so I went to buy some Pizza for him. He was overjoyed.

Every step I took – I didn't know where I was going, I had no goal – felt light, floating, like I was barely touching the ground with my feet. And then the thought hit me that this is precisely what I felt in my happiest moments in life. When I first kissed my ex-girlfriend and truly fell in love. This glowing talisman in one's chest that seemingly no one could take away from you. It felt like the days of childhood where I had no sorrows and even if I had them, they never seemed too important to obsess over them.

Even when thinking of the terrible past few years I had to endure, I felt nothing bad, nothing creeping up on me. This kind of happiness seemed like an echo from the past, but not a ghostly one, but one that simply reminded me of its existence. "Hey, I'm there for you if you want me".

Since that horrific relationship I had this recurring thought that I was never going to be as happy as I was with her in the beginning before things went awry. That this had been the highest point of my life and as per definition this means nothing will ever be able to make me content again. But it didn't seem like that anymore. When I could feel this way now, I would be able to feel it again. Even without the help of drugs (and I didn't, not for one second, feel 'druggy'). After all it's just my brain releasing all of the serotonin. My ability of feeling happiness still exists.

I scribbled some stuff in my notebook and then went on my merry way back home, invited a friend over for half an hour but she was just talking negative stuff and was complaining and I wasn't able to feel much empathy for all those complaints that seemed so minor to me. We soon said our goodbyes and I suddenly felt extremely tired, lay on my bed, turned on some music and let it wash over me and slept like a baby.

The day after, I felt pretty great. I've had some negative thoughts but everything seemed more vibrant, more alive, I had more energy than usual. No come down, no depressed state of mind. An afterglow.

I will never use this drug as a means of partying but precisely to remind myself in times of need that there is still happiness and joy. This is a therapeutic drug and I couldn't be more grateful for having experienced this. It is like knowing that there's an anchor of hope out there, that you can hang on for a second if you need it.

For the life of me, I don't understand how this drug is illegal, but my best guess would be that happiness interferes too much with the way our current world works, because it is built on people worrying, instead of taking it for what it is.

This got a bit long, but I had to write it out. I hope you enjoyed it.

Exp Year: 2019	ExpID: 113493
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 29
Published: Apr 23, 2020	Views: 767
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MDMA (3) : Alone (16), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Relationships (44), Depression (15), First Times (2)