DOSE:

oral

4-AcO-DMT

(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

140 lb

My First True Psychedelic Experience


I went to the park with my friend and decided it was a good time to try the "shrooms." I ingested the 4-aco-dmt powder at 4:07pm by pouring it into an icee. It still tasted terribly bitter. After about 20 minutes, I felt slightly lightheaded and nauseous. We watched a carousel for a little while and then walked around some more and found a family of roosters sitting in a parking lot. I sat in the grass and began photographing the roosters.

My body started to feel really heavy and I didn't want to get up , but I decided to move to a better spot while I still could. We walked to a tree by the water and sat under it. I noticed that when I sat down, the first thing that caught my eye was ants and much tinier bugs in the grass. I was staring at the grass intently and I could see each blade defined extremely clearly; I was focused on the ants and little bugs crawling around through the layers of grass. Some of the bugs were 1/10th the size of the ants and I could still see them very clearly, like I was looking at everything under a microscope! The green of the grass was unnaturally bright, almost glowing. I could have continued watching the microscopic bugs forever, it was so interesting!!! I felt like I was shrunken like the magic school bus and totally within the world in the grass. I really didn’t want to leave this fascinating little world, but I soon decided to lay back and cloud-watch instead before people started to look at me weird for staring into the grass...

Instead of just seeing "the clouds" I saw all the layers of the clouds... they looked completely 3D. It was like I could see multiple layers of the background clouds through the foreground clouds, and more. They were bright and glowing, and they started to swirl in slow circles. They had a faint rainbow glow around them. I felt like I was in a completely different world in the clouds and the people and park around me were totally separate, far away, disappearing. I heard voices in the background; there was a family speaking Spanish on a nearby bench but they sounded slow and echo-y, and their voices blended together like some sort of chant. This cloud world was something I could have watched forever; it was one of the most beautiful, enchanting sights. But again, I didn’t want to freak out my friend or cause anyone to stare at me weirdly.

I sat up and looked at my friend, and her face was swirling and melting. I could see every hair, wrinkle, skin-pore, and flaw on her face in extreme detail. She looked like the 75 year old version of herself. All the collagen was removed from her face and her features were standing out in an extreme way as her flesh continued to move like it was alive. Her tan skin looked orangey-greenish-brown and kept changing colors slightly. I didn't look at her for too long and at that moment realized why they always say you shouldn't look at yourself in the mirror while on psychedelics. I laid back down and voices became even further away and more echo-y. Everything was swirling and subtly changing colors. I started to feel kind of sick so I said we should walk back to the car and go to her house. I tried to get up, but almost passed out after walking a few dozen feet, so I quickly found another tree and laid down next to it. At this point, I was swiftly losing control of my body so I put my phone in my purse and zipped it up while I still had a little power left to do so.

I used my purse as a pillow and laid down by the tree while my friend sat next to me. I reassured her not to worry about me and that I just needed to lay down, but I actually began to feel horrible and didn't want to freak her out. I closed my eyes, and all the echoing voices got louder and more of them kept appearing... I saw spinning shapes, creatures, scenes, and parts of my current surroundings blended with vivid hallucinations as I opened and closed my eyes. There was a world that appeared in my head where the background was solid black and various creatures made of colorful outlines moved around. The scenes changed rapidly like an old-time psychedelic animation.

*At the actual park/in real life* there was a kid flying a kite near us, and it was about to get stuck in a tree. I saw the tree branches bend and reach out to grab the kite. I started to really notice every single smell and all kinds of feelings...my skin was changing colors, and I could see the pores and tiny hairs on my legs through my jeans, somehow. They turned into thousands of worms and it looked like my leg was covered in them, and they were wriggling in circles nonstop. This didn't bother me too much because I could still think and reason a little bit. I looked at my arm, and the hairs on my arm looked electrified and I could see every detail. I felt my skin and it felt completely numb, like rubber or a cold dead body, so I stopped touching my arm. I started to lose feeling in my entire body, piece by piece. I felt like I was invisible...then I felt like only my teeth existed (kind of like the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland). It felt like I was made of all the elements- sand, water, mud, grass, air, rubber…

My physical body as I knew it did not exist anymore. I was just a spirit. I was everything and nothing. I kept trying to remind myself of what was actually happening, but it got harder and harder to think. I couldn't feel my body at all at this point, and then I stopped being able to think in English.

This is where the ego death began.

I heard dozens of other made-up languages and gibberish sounds in my head, and they were blocking out my thoughts completely. I couldn't even think one word in English. If I attempted to think one word, that one word would be interrupted by voices screaming and singing and echoing in bunches of languages all at once. It was total loss of control. And suddenly, there was nothing I could do to get comfortable. I somehow continued laying there struggling with all my might to pretend everything was fine, but I feel like this would have been the point where some other people would have been crying, screaming, asking for help, making insane sounds and faces, speaking in tongues, possibly trying to hurt or kill themselves, etc. This felt like it went on forever. It was an EXTREME FIGHT for me to think anything - something else took over my brain completely.

There were brief moments where I could think one word or two, and I struggled to somehow sit up and just tell my friend not to worry about me (miraculously; I can't even begin to explain what it took for me to do this). I asked her if SHE was okay and I laid back down! It was a major mental fight to get three words out to speak to her in English...I don't even know how I did it. At one point, I was in multiple dimensions at once. I could see my friend sitting in the grass at the park, but I felt my body being transformed into multiple elements and pulled between dimensions. I could hear her voice, people at the park, and also all the other voices and languages in my head, in the alternate worlds. There were certain gibberish sounds and nonsense words that KEPT on repeating nonstop every time I attempted to think, but I can't remember them right now. It was like they were purposely blocking my mind from working; stopping me from being the human I was...fighting me.

It was one of the scariest feelings ever- it felt like I could never return to my body or being myself again- I felt like I killed myself- my brain, personality, memories- forever. I realized there are some rare, extreme/severe mental patients who probably go through this on a regular basis and it is complete torture; going through this firsthand would make me rethink the morality of physician-assisted suicide. My short term and long term memory were both completely dead. I just wanted it to end and to return to the regular world that I caught faint glimpses of; the one where my friend was sitting in the park. I started to “think” in visions instead of words- shapes, colors, feelings, creatures, made-up languages, etc. I was fighting to hold on to my personality.

Things finally started to calm down a bit (after quite a while), and I could just barely think in English again. I fought to speak and tell my friend I would attempt walking to the car. It was starting to rain at this point. I struggled to get up and she helped walk me to the car. I felt invisible as I walked- like my body didn't exist and my soul was somehow just moving towards her car- invisible but at the same time like the entire world was staring, gawking at me. I somehow managed to get there and get myself into the car, miraculously. I laid down on the front seat and went back into a negative state of ego death. It felt like torture all over again, but I managed to control myself, by some miracle, and just laid there, with my face turned away from her, trying to seem like I was just sleeping. Looking from the outside, no one would have had an inkling of what I was actually going through, where I really was...

During the entire hour car-ride I thought I was dying, and it was one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced, KNOWING I pointlessly destroyed myself and cut my life short; destroyed the miracle that my mother created and loved. I thought I killed myself for no reason. I felt so much pain and guilt; it was unearthly. I begged for God's forgiveness but I knew I didn't deserve it. I went through so many torturous thoughts and strange, inexplicable bodily sensations. This hour in the car was another complete struggle and fight with everything I had to somehow just lay there and “act normal” when I wanted to scream, cry, go crazy, etc.

After what felt like forever, we finally arrived and I immediately went to lay down and sleep in a dark room by myself (that's what I wanted). I knew being alone was the best thing for me and at that point was finally able to rationalize that this substance could not physically kill me. I laid there for about two hours trying to sleep but couldn't even though I was beyond exhausted. I started to feel better after a couple hours. I was returned to my body and could think again. I had my brain and memories back around 7 or 8pm. I still felt nauseous for the rest of the night and like I would pass out every time I stood up. I managed to eat some pizza late at night once I recovered (I knew not to eat or drink earlier because I probably would have felt like I was choking myself).

At one point earlier when it was getting darker and about to rain, I closed my eyes and saw a warm, golden glow. I felt it too...I hallucinated the most realistic sunlight and warmth through a thunderstorm. It was actually a great feeling but I felt bad for my friend because I knew she wasn't able to feel it so I opened my eyes to try to join the regular world where it was cool and rainy with her.

Funny thing is, I was previously talking to my friend about how I'm the type of person who has amazing self-control when it comes to drugs or medications. I guess I proved my point because she said all I did was lay there, and I didn't say or do anything weird. She had NO IDEA I was in several other dimensions, thought I was dying, couldn't think a single word, etc. and wasn't even myself based on how I was acting. From the outside, it looked like I was resting or trying to take a nap , according to her. But this experience helped me understand how drugs can send people completely out of control. I know what people mean now when they say they are “humbled” by psychedelics. Also, I was somehow worried about HER the whole time, didn’t want to scare her, etc...another case of just being ME through all of that- can’t stop worrying about other people before myself. Another funny thing- I wasn't even myself but I SOMEHOW managed to ask the time around 6pm and I wondered why the sun wasn't setting, and I reasoned that maybe my time perception was off or something, but today I realized that yesterday was actually daylight savings time. That explained it. So I was just being my ultra-perceptive self, even throughout all that…

[Reported Dose: "25 to 35 mg?"]

Exp Year: 2018	ExpID: 113660
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 28
Published: Nov 2, 2019	Views: 2,088
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4-AcO-DMT (387) : Difficult Experiences (5), General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)