DOSE:	17 - 50 mg	smoked	Changa
		oral	Various

BODY WEIGHT:

72 kg

DMT (Changa) First 5 Trials

(this is over 4000 words)

A few things about me: I had my first psychedelic experiences over 30 years ago. Mostly mushrooms but also LSD, mescaline and MDMA. Had a very bad mushroom + oral hashish trip in my youth leading to too much anxiety whenever I returned to psychedelics, so I quit for over 2 decades. A few years ago, I returned to psychedelics. Though now with much more respect and knowledge. I’ve tried more than 20 different psychedelics, and won’t bother to mention them all, but currently my preference is low to medium doses of phenethylamines or ergolines. Probably because I associate tryptamines with my bad trip. My guesstimate would be that I’ve taken psychedelics 2-300 times. My renewed interest in this present era of course led me to read a lot about DMT/ayahuasca and listening a lot to the McKenna brothers and others talking about DMT. As I’m a very curious person I wanted to know what it was all about. Still I was afraid to try DMT, as it was often described as more intense than 5 g of dried mushrooms. That the son of an acquaintance recently committed suicide not long after taking Ayahuasca did not reduce my apprehension. Anyhow, about a year ago I got hold of booth some DMT crystal and some Changa. I thought that maybe I’d find someone with experience to be my sitter. But I didn’t. I was afraid of doing it myself also because people on the web said someone should be there to take the pipe when you enter hyperspace.

First trial:
Anyhow, in late September I had a weekend to myself and had taken about 65 mcg ALD-52 at 3 p.m. During the evening I had 3 bottles of beer – which I can’t say I felt. At 10.15 p.m. I took 150 mg pregabalin in order not to be awake too long. I also took 10 mg of 2C-B to boost the ALD-52 a bit and to combine with some Ketamine. I take two 10 mg lines of Ketamine. Just before midnight when I took out my baggie with Ketamine, I saw my baggie with Changa (50% DMT). The thought of trying it popped into my head. I thought maybe I can just take a very tiny bit to get my toes wet. It is now something weird starts to happen. It is like I’m an actor in a film sort of, like I just followed a predetermined script. I’m unintentionally listening to a mix with Birds of Mind on Soundcloud (came on after something I had chosen to listen to). I’m mildly amused and sort of surprised I feel so calm. I measure out 17 mg Changa (+-2 mg probably) and put it above some ash in a glass pipe. Just as I've gotten the pipe and torch lighter ready and put my body in a good position, I take a few deep breaths, checking that I feel OK to accept whatever will come - I hear the lyrics "When you are ready, I will surrender, peacefully fall away, away, away" - repeating several times from the Birds of Mind mix. I already feel like I'm in a very altered state, that so many things have led up to this moment. Altered in a way previously consumed drugs normally would not lead up to. I’m not altered in a forceful way; it feels very easy and natural – and at the same time magical. I notice with some surprise that I have no fear, not even nervousness. Previously I think I had always expected that I would be very nervous the first time I'd smoke DMT. I’m a bit uncertain of my set, as I do have some grief steaming from my mother’s death 6 weeks ago, but it feels OK to visit the grief if that is what DMT has in mind for me. I remind myself to accept everything and to keep breathing calmly.

I ignite the lighter and slowly bring it closer to the bowl and I can see the few crumbles of DMT-infused Caapi leaf turning orange as my world starts to change. 3D patterns appear in midair, the strange flavor lingers in my mouth and I get this feeling of something very familiar, that I’m entering a place I know well. What it reminds me of is not something from previous psychedelic experiences. It feels kind and benign.

The visual effects quite quickly fade to a more “normal” psychedelic alteration of what I see. I feel safe and decide to increase my dose and fill my pipe with 30 mg of Changa. Smoking the second bowl and closing my eyes I enter blue and black square shaped tunnels clad with mosaic reminiscent of the interior of the Shah mosque in Isfahan. I “fly” through the tunnels quickly, but not fast. There is something with the visuals that reminds me of things I’ve seen previously when combining 2C-B and ketamine. Something reminding me of a world built out of Lego. I see a white dog statue that looks like it was made of Lego. I’m amazed I can look around. I notice I’ve tensed up, take a deep breath and relax – and softly something flips and I enter a new tunnel or world. I somehow get shown that my nicotine addiction is like a heavy suitcase I carry around. I can take an elevator down and let go of it. It isn’t the nicotine holding me, it is I who hold the nicotine. I see images of a happier and healthier me without nicotine. I somehow realize that it is much easier to quit nicotine than I imagine. Somehow, I sense that "it" – some sort of presence; an intelligence - wants me to heal. Heal so that I could be a better "tool" in creating whatever "it" is creating (a better world?). "It" was so kind, respectful - like “it” wanted me to have a good experience so that I'd come back. I have some sort of feeling of connecting with the source, the source some call god. That this little I – which is me – is just an illusion. The Hindu concepts of maya and atman ges a deeper meaning.

I smoke once or twice more with 35-40 mg of Changa (memory’s a bit blurry) and some of the above may be memories from the last trips. I did also encounter a black-blue machine or alien insect creature that probed my body through its pointed fangs. Some time ago I encountered something similar when tripping on 2C-B and ketamine. The last time I smoked, the colors were very muted and I got the message that it was enough for now, that I need to be more rested and should be without any depressant drugs in my system the next time.

Second trial – 1 week later:
On the tail end of 10 mg 2C-T-21 and a couple of hours after some GHB I decide to try some Changa again. I was a bit tired. I escalate my dosage and basically get no visuals. Last try I smoke 60-70 mg Changa. Then I do enter the tunnels for a short while, but they are quite dark and in mostly brown. No insights. Afterwards I do feel slightly psychedelically altered, and when I look out at the neighbor’s hedge, I can see it transform into different animals. Mostly it just feels slightly weird. Conclude that I was denied entry today. Don’t know if it had something to do with the 2C-T-21 or GHB. The experience reinforces that I need to be rested and without any depressants in my system to be “let in”.

Third trial – 2 weeks later:
I’m in my recently deceased mothers’ apartment in order to clean out her things. Have been doing some grieving since I arrived a few hours earlier. Lots of memories in returning there. At 10.45 p.m. I take 15+-2mg 2C-B as I’m considering to smoke some DMT later and feel that it may be less threatening if on a low dose psychedelic in advance.

At 11.00 p.m. I put about 17 mg Changa in my pipe and prepare two 30 mg doses for later on. The effects from the 2C-B feel more like 10 mg than 15 mg. Very slight nausea and some increased body awareness. My intention with smoking DMT is to heal me.

I put on the song Nevada by Kerala Dust and burn 17 mg Changa – just to get my toes wet. Just gives me some vague familiar feeling without much other effect. Shortly after I smoke 30 mg Changa, focusing on accepting whatever I may experience and to keep breathing calmly. Burns my throat a bit.

I enter the same blue and black mosaic tunnels as I did my first time. Then I don’t know how I got to the next experience. My next memory is of my mother dying, lying unconscious with her mouth open. Somehow, I can both see her as I saw her, and at the same time I’m being her. Being her, I feel a numbness in my whole body. I get this image of acupuncture needles in every square inch of my body (a bit like in the movie Hellraiser), but not just on the outside of my skin – everywhere in my whole body. I cannot communicate or do anything – but I am aware of the world. Unable to scream, unable to cry, unable to leave by dying. Time does not move – I’m experiencing eternities. I think I think this must be Hell… Really a terrible feeling – but the numbness makes it somehow bearable. At some point I open my eyes and a warmth comes to my chest. I have some micro trembling in my body – like I’ve had when working with an anesthesia trauma (happened when I was 6) in therapy. I check my pulse – it is 100 and I think it must have been over 120 a short while ago. The feeling of terror lingers in my body like it can do after a nightmare. I wonder if the DMT removed some of my anesthesia caused by my grief? (Meaning that strong grief often induces some sort of numbness as to experience all the pain at once is too much).

Thinking about if I’m to smoke more. It feels unfinished. I ask myself if I’m willing to go back to that very uncomfortable state I just experienced. I’m thinking that I need to go back in order to somehow release my mom from that state I just experienced her experiencing. I prepare 44 mg of Changa and set myself the intention: How to let go of mom? (Thinking that it is I who have difficulty letting her go.)

I prepare myself as before, take two big hits. Now it is so much smoke that I have some difficulty getting it all in. When putting the pipe down and closing my eyes I see cone shaped green and white patterned spirals above me. A bit muted colors, like not so much light. After that I may have lost some memory, but next thing I recall is my mother’s face coming down from above, saying all is well now, that she’s with all her ancestors now (she was adopted and no one knows who her father was), that it is OK to let go now. She looks happy and calm, gives me a kiss on the forehead and recedes upward in a dark blue space full of small stars of all colors. I notice my cheeks are wet from tears and start crying consciously. My belly becomes warm and nice.

I’m left with the realization that all numbing is bad, and hell is to be aware and not being able to feel. DMT seems to have an innate wisdom to it in a more obvious way than other psychedelics. I feel that the first, more nightmarish, trip was a necessary prelude to this one. A deep feeling of being grateful fills me and I don’t feel like having a beer. I’m thinking about how unresolved pain causes hatred and evil and need to numb oneself.

Fourth trial – day after third trial:
In the morning I take 150 mg pregabalin, something I often do prior to tripping when I have to be around people who I don’t want to know that I’m tripping. One and a half hour later I take a tab of 150 ug AL-LAD. 3 hours after that I decide to smoke Changa again. My intention this time is: How can I be able to give and receive more love?

I first smoke 30 mg. Patterns appear in front of the white ceiling I’m looking at. I close my eyes and I’m back into tunnels clad with mosaic like before. Not much more happens.

I put on Pachelbels Canon in D, and load my pipe with 42 mg Changa, take 2 hits – burns a bit. I guess I closed my eyes, but I really don’t know. Next memory is being just beneath some sort of Heaven (I’m not a Christian – more of some kind of agnostic/Daoist/Buddhist/Sufi). Manny of my ancestors are there (they’re all there, but it is just some I can clearly see) – and they all love me! They all want the best for me! (I’m tearing up just writing this a couple of days later). They, and some other people I admire and have studied with are also there, sitting on shining gold thrones, basking in a mild golden light. They communicate to me that they have space for me, that they’re keeping their door open for me, but that I have to practice more to receive love. Because if I got their full love, it would burn me. I need to become bigger and softer first. Do more kind actions.

I also get a message from – I don’t know what, but I’ll call “it” the DMT Queen – that whenever I enter her world with any kind of sedation/numbing substance in me, she will numb my experience to the same degree. I feel we have a dialogue, that I always must have an honest question to her – otherwise I’ll annoy her – which isn’t a good idea. I thank her profoundly and say good bye – until next time!

When I open my eyes, the whole air is filled with golden-white strings in 3D. In the middle a goddess, a light being sometimes appears. Though I can’t see her face. She communicates to me that she’s now willing to let me in, that I’m ready. I understand that as if I choose to smoke more, I’ll break through – but I of course don’t know to what. When I look around the room it is so clear and sharp. But I feel satisfied, so I don’t smoke any more.

Summary (written after my first 4 trials):
Now I understand what ‘everyone’ have been talking about! I’m intrigued, I feel a deep respect for the molecule as a tool. I’m happy that I’m as old as I am when experiencing DMT for the first time. I really wasn’t ready for it when I was much younger – I think. What amazes me most is this feeling of familiarity and the feeling of communicating with a higher wisdom (- or is it my own and our collective unconscious?). Though the visuals were amazing, I think they can be distractions and that the most important things are the teachings you can receive if you approach DMT with respect and honest intentions. Now I think I may dare to enter hyperspace sober and maybe up my dose a bit.

Fifth trial – a week after the fourth:
I’m back in my recently deceased mothers’ apartment to clean out the last things. All the memories make me sad. Still, I want to deepen my relationship with DMT, even though it may mean experiencing very dark things.

I measure 4 piles of Changa (50% DMT) weighting 20, 30, 40 & 50 mg and put them on small folded papers. I have had half a beer over an hour ago. Haven’t had any drugs in 6 days. I’m nervous and I prepare everything as well as I can.

My intention is how to get more energy and happiness in my life. I put on ‘And the Waltz goes On’ with André Rieu on my Soundsystem. I smoke 20 mg Changa – only get slight & mild patterns. As expected not enough. Within a few minutes I smoke another 30 mg. I enter some kind of tunnel. First, I get nervous and afraid, I think of how I’ve made myself numb, when my very dear grandmother died; all the years of shame and fear of my father dying from alcoholism and secondary diseases. Then I ask myself why am I always so afraid? No reason! I feel suddenly warmth in my stomach and genitalia and start to smile.

Now it feels more OK to smoke 40 mg. This time my intention is how to not be so afraid – which I reformulate to how can I become braver and feel more?

I take 2 big hits. Strangely, I hardly feel anything. Sort of like on my second trial. I think that this is a challenge – that the DMT Spirit wants me to actually do something courageous – which in this situation is to smoke my last and largest pile of Changa. So, within about 1-3 minutes from that I smoked 40 mg, I smoke 50 mg. When trying to take the second (- or was it the third?) hit I feel my body loosen and I realize I can’t complete the hit. I fall back and with some trepidation I'm thinking that this will be a lot more powerful than anything I've ever experienced. Very quickly I’m flying towards something chrysanthemum like and I hear some sparkling sound. This experience has a speed I've never encountered before. (Then I think I lost some memory of what happened.)

Suddenly I’m back to my anesthesia trauma. I’m 6 years old and I’m being forcefully held while they put this mask over my mouth and nose. I can feel the gas numbing me, taking my conscious away. I fight for my life and try to hold my breath. But my resistance is futile. Somehow parallel to this I’m stuck in the waiting room by the chrysanthemum – I’m very afraid of going through. Afraid of that I’ll completely loose contact with this reality; that I’ll go crazy. And I know resistance I futile, I try to give up; to let go; to accept dying; to go through the chrysanthemum portal. But I’m stuck in numb terror.

A faint memory of when being anesthetized when 6 years old comes to me. I now remember I entered a place similar to where I’m now. A place between dead and alive, in “the matrix” so to speak. But both now and then I’m stuck. I can’t go anywhere. Accepting what I fear does not transform my feeling of terror as it has done before on other psychedelics. It goes on an eternity. It is much worse that I consciously have remembered. I was really fighting for my life!!! God, how I fought – and still I lost... I know with my whole being that a lot of my fear and numbing that have led to decreased energy and lack of joy stems from this. I want to reach out and give love and warmth to my 6-year-old self. But I can’t see him. I try to touch my chest to give myself some warmth, but I cannot feel my hands as my chest is numb. Stuck in this numb terror I've got no choice than to just accept my complete powerlessness. Somehow, at some time, I do leave the matrix…

As I open my eyes, I feel a lot of warmth coming to my chest and stomach. I have some spasm in my stomach and the back of my thighs. A bit of shivering too. I’m amazed of the power and precision the DMT spirit has! No way to hide anything from her! What a therapeutic tool! And our governments equal this with crack and heroin?!? Utter madness! All this talk of elves and aliens – isn’t healing traumas so much more important? I’m shaken to my core! I sort of remember that there were things too strange for my conscious mind to be able to remember. I have this sense of having encountered the source; the divine – and I’m so awestruck!!! Things I may have thought or imagined before; I have now experienced. But in a way I could not possibly imagine, nor possibly can describe. I do think this would count as a religious experience. I can now see how deeply steeped I – and all alike - are in our culture's view of truth, our materialistic and selfish thinking. Our culture is sort of at the level of a 3-year old…

The day after:
I take 18 mg of 2C-B in the morning. It is partly out of a kind of greed – to do psychedelics to the max when I can (i.e. away from my family). Another part of me thinks it will help me grieving and to integrate yesterday’s experience. I do cry quite a lot as I disassemble my diseased mothers’ home. I feel the 2C-B a bit more than I expected. Sometimes I’m reminded of my earlier DMT experience of my mom coming down from heaven and giving me a kiss on the forehead. Saying everything is OK, I’m happy now, you can let go & some sort of see you later! Still I feel so much grief and now I can perceive how much love she gave me – in the ways she could. But often when it happened, I emotionally rejected it. Because it was not in the way I wanted/needed it. So, I acted the same way towards her as she acted towards me. A bit tragic, but it feels good to now be able to feel the love beneath her actions.

Often, I think of what I experienced yesterday. I’m still extremely awestruck! If I’d take what I experienced as truth and took it to its logical conclusion – it would change everything in my life drastically! Internally I debate if I’ve actually seen and met the source; the ultimate truth, the creator – or if I “only” had some sort of drug induced hallucinations. Yesterday’s experience: it was so exact; so truthful – in a way like if my computer seems slow, I’d ask for an antivirus to take away any unwanted code that slowed it down. In my experience the DMT was like an antivirus that shoots right to the core – without any regard for eventual feelings the host system carrying the virus may have had. It just quickly went in and did what asked for. And in some way, I did see this code/program. And it seemed like catching a glimpse of the force creating this universe. And its power and intelligence were so magnificent I could not possibly grasp it. Did I say that I’m awestruck? ;^)

When I experienced “it”, I could see “its” working, like some kind of pattern flying towards me at warp speed. I remember seeing + signs and other symbols and I think it mostly may have been in black and white. If “it” did what I felt that “it” did to me, others should notice something different with me now. It’ll be interesting to see if that comes true next week. What will others think and be able to understand if I tell them of my experience? I sort of prepared for 3 years before having this experience, and only now do I understand what others have meant when they said it’s unexplainable! Something in the paradox of feeling so true, so real – and at the same time look better and stranger than any special effects I’ve ever seen. I’m humbled.

Even though I’ve never taken extreme doses of any of our common psychedelics, DMT feels different than any of the 20-30 different psychedelics I’ve sampled. I feel uncertain if to be more or less afraid if I smoke DMT again. (I probably will, but right now it feels very enough). Anyhow, I found my experience very therapeutic, which some people say smoked DMT rarely is – at least compared to ayahuasca.

The message I got from “it”, God or whatever we may call it, was that “it” wants everything to evolve and thus loves when we do things for our self and others that are in accordance with her will. Like to stop destructive habits, helping others etc. And “it” can help us in this if we allow “it” to.

Exp Year: 2019	ExpID: 113820
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 50
Published: Feb 2, 2020	Views: 2,216
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Changa (816) : Alone (16), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Entities / Beings (37), Mystical Experiences (9), Difficult Experiences (5), Retrospective / Summary (11), Combinations (3), General (1)