DOSE: T+ 0:00	1 hit	buccal	LSD	(blotter / tab)
T+ 1:00		smoked	Cannabis
T+ 1:00		smoked	Tobacco - Cigarettes
T+ 0:00			Estradiol

BODY WEIGHT:

260 lb

I'd been curious about trying acid for a while, and my friend Cheng - an experienced tripper - invited me to join them, along with Mark and Shel, in trying it, asking only 10 bucks. I'd used low doses of mushrooms twice before, and found them pleasant, so I was expecting similar - a good feeling and interesting thoughts for about five hours.

I arrived at Cheng's about 3, the scheduled time, feeling nervous in the giddy way - not afraid, just butterflies. Mark and Shel ended up being an hour late, which irked me, but I brushed it off. They all took two tabs, and I took one out of caution - I asked if I should chew or swallow it, and none of them gave a conclusive answer, so I did both - I tend to indulge.

I didn't feel much for the first half hour, but then felt a bit of a come-up. Everything seemed very beautiful (Cheng's backyard is lovely) and at around an hour in I joined the others for a joint; I had quit weed, having been a stoner for a couple years and not being able to handle it, but it sounded nice. The taste was amazing, and the feeling of inhaling the thick smoke was better than it had ever been - breathing turned out to be a common theme of my trip. I also smoked a couple cigarettes, though I don't generally smoke. They were also lovely.

About 90 minutes in, Mark started to do some interesting and purposeful dancing in the garden, which I was awestruck by. The other two went inside and started playing and chanting monastic-sounding music, which amplified the divine atmosphere I was feeling. I felt completely at peace, bowled over by the beauty of life and everything in it. I wanted to strip and lay in the grass, but I didn't want to be rude, so I walked around barefoot for a while, then sat and looked at the sky.

3 hours in - it got dark, and I started feeling uneasy, so I went and laid down to try to sleep it off; I figured it would wear off in the next couple hours, and I felt tired. However, I suddenly was struck with an upset stomach, and ran to the bathroom - I would be in and out of it several times. At this point, I can't give an accurate estimation of the time elapsed, everything felt like it took forever and no time at all. I'd been warned that restrooms on psychedelics can be unsettling, but I really didn't think about it - I was staring into the mirror and marveling at my own beauty, which is nothing new. The only strange thing was that my penis was entirely numb; speaking as a trans woman, this was not an unpleasant development.

During my in-and-out bathroom trips I steadily declined in mood, becoming legitimately scared. I can best describe the feeling as the drug shoving me underwater and holding me there, then pulling me out and wringing me like a cloth, then repeating. It was terrifying. My compartmentalization of past traumas and current anxieties was completely gone and I was thinking about everything at once. It felt like a panic attack minus the loss of control - I was feeling all of it, but I could still move my body and talk.

I laid down on the couch after my stomach was calm and proceeded to sleep and wake alternately countless times, instantly zapping from one section of conscious thought to another, demarcated only by the changing of light from the windows. I recall waking to Cheng over me asking if I was okay, and I said "no" then got pulled under again, then woke and he was cackling and offered me a Xanax - which I batted out of his hand from fear. My most vivid memory of my entire trip was waking up from sleep and facing a 200 foot tall dragon, who I understood to be the mother of life, chastising me for doing drugs to try to improve my life. She - I am serious - called me an "idiot".

At maybe 11 or 12 the intensity had gone down slightly - with minutes between being "pulled under" instead of seconds - so I got up to check in with my friends and ask if I could sleep in a bed, and while outside the garage that they were smoking in I heard one of them ask "do you ever think maybe you shouldn't do drugs?" and the other two agreed; this angered me, made me lose all respect for them in that moment, and filled my head with violent thoughts. I was uncomfortable with this. Cheng led me to his bed and told me to come to him if I needed anything.

I tried to sleep, but I was still terrified, and still got sucked in every few minutes - 10? 15? - so I went downstairs and said I was going to drive home. They convinced me not to, but one bought me an Uber home, so I took it and went home to bed with my girlfriend. She was very worried for me, and I was acting in worrying ways - I kept waking up moaning and yelling, and at one point I said "I think I need a hospital" before falling back asleep. It took a serious toll on her and I still feel awful.

I had work at 11 the next day, but I needed my car, so I called in sick and rode the bus to pick up my car. I was still tripping mildly - dissociated and some visual distortions - losing time. The bus ride lasted forever and was over instantly. I walked to my car, and drove home, which was unsettling, but I put on "Front Seat" by Sadao Watanabe and felt better. I almost cried listening to the sixth track.

I felt wrung-out, chewed up, run over, destroyed. My body ached entirely and my mind was throbbing. I needed comfort while my girlfriend was at work, so I called up an old friend and went to a diner with them. This cheered me up somewhat, but didn't help my body, so I drove them home and took myself home. At this point the intended effects of the drug were gone - no distortions, time was stable, my brain was working more or less normally - so I'll wrap up.

I didn't feel back to "normal" for two weeks. To this day - more than six months later - I can no longer handle violent images, nor people describing trips, nor looking at "psychedelic" patterns, as it triggers a feeling in my mind that tells me I'm about to be sucked into the trip again, and I am filled with the fear that I'm going to scream and babble and convulse. I truly think that this trip was the most traumatizing thing that I have experienced, which is a high bar to crest. I have been altered irreparably.

Exp Year: 2019	ExpID: 113942
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 23
Published: Feb 18, 2020	Views: 1,872
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