DOSE:

6 - 8 oz

oral

Ayahuasca

(tea)

BODY WEIGHT:

175 lb

I have had about 30 psychedelic experiences over the past 30 years. Consisting almost entirely of LSD and mushrooms. I am in my 40s. I would not consider myself a psychonaut because I was not intentionally going inward for the experience. I have had mystical experiences on my journeys, but it was not my intention, just an awesome side effect on a recreational trip.

I had my last psychedelic experience when I was in my mid-30s before I had my first son. This created a gap of ~5-6 years. After a few years, and what feels like a recent resurgence of interest and awareness in psychedelics, I felt a strong calling to go back. However, this time it would be with intention.

I did mushrooms for the first time with the intention of going inward. I did it alone, which was also a first. It was a really great experience but that is not what I am here to talk about today. This set the stage for me finding my way to an Ayahuasca Ceremony. As soon as I set my intention that I was seeking this, it found me. Looking back on the synchronicity of events is mind blowing.

About 4 months after my mushroom trip I arrived at the Ayahuasca Ceremony on Friday, July 21st, 2017, in Northern California. It was on a farm, in a temple, with a female shaman, two helping guides, and 12 seekers including me. Two and a half years later it is one of the most important and profound experiences of my life. I have not had a strong experience since, but I am starting to feel the calling again.

I was in good mental and physical health and followed the instructions to fast for 3 days on a strict vegetarian diet with no drugs or alcohol (or coffee).

I started writing down the experience that night and finished up in the morning. Then I typed it out and cleaned it up over the next couple of days. I included what I feel are the important points of the experience. I omitted other parts that don’t add much to the overall story.

The whole experience lasted about five hours with it being very strong for about three. I was in a state of bliss for about 3 days after the experience.

This is one of my favorite quotes and I heard it on my drive to the ceremony. I think it sums up the experience perfectly.

“The secret of life is to die before you die - and find that there is no death.” ~Eckhart Tolle

I put in a good amount of time into thinking about my intentions. This was also a first.
• Live healthier, stop binge drinking and smoking
• What’s on the other side?
• How do I use that knowledge to live a better life?
• How do I bring it into my daily life?
• How do I share it with loved ones?
• What do I need to do/focus on in this lifetime to best use my time here?

About 6:30 we started the orientation and went around the circle and everyone stated their intentions. We drank the brew at 7:20. It was about 6-8oz of thick dark brew. I pounded mine because I thought it would taste horrible from everything I heard. Surprisingly it was not that bad, maybe even good. This was a gift of the shaman who used honey and herbs to make the brew more palatable.

After ~15 minutes I went to lay down and put on the Mindfold (a blindfold where you can open your eyes and still be in darkness) and listened to the music - beautiful live music provided by the shaman and her helpers. After probably another 15 minutes my visions were getting stronger and the space created a large theater, hall, or chapel, maybe a hundred feet across or bigger – distance doesn’t really make senses in visions. It was all fractals similar to Alex Grey’s work but more mathematically precise like it was grown or built using the laws of science and nature – the universe. I was getting excited waiting for something to happen, almost like the start of a show…

Then the rollercoaster pulled into the space. I was on it (not my body but my being and awareness). It felt exactly like the end of a rollercoaster with a quick rolling and turning then a hard deceleration. I was told or knew – OK rides over. The ride being my life. And I’m thinking, is that it?!?!? Wait, WTF?!?!

I remember feeling the worst sense of dread that I couldn’t go back. I had been tricked – almost like; OK, this is what you have been searching for, you figured it out, you win, Game Over! Time to go back to the source. I swear with every cell in my being that this was absolutely happening to me.

I felt like I had learned too much, gone too far, and literally broke through, pulled back the curtain, and now I couldn’t go back.

After being in this disappointing place I knew the only thing I could do was surrender and let go. I remembered and felt how amazing my life was, all the beauty and the joy that I had experienced and how much I was going to miss it.

I was now floating along in this massive moving toroid of energy. It was rolling inwards from the top and moving counterclockwise. I knew I had to let go, there was no choice. I held on for as long as I could with so much love and affection for my life. The last thing was saying goodbye to my wife and boys. I hoped they would be OK without me. (I couldn’t talk about this part for almost a week without crying.)

As soon as I let go of my life, I felt myself being dissolved like grains of sand being pulled into the fractal toroid of energy.

Then I thought I was going to be reborn. I felt like I was a new soul in a womb with heavy, labored, breathing. This went on for a few minutes. I thought I was about to be reborn on earth as a new human being. But that was not what happened…

I was now in the middle of the toroid. It was black, silent, still, nothing, vacuum.

In the distance (the other side of the universe?) I could see a huge complicated but perfectly balanced and efficient machine humming along. It was nothing like I had ever seen before, again made up of fractal energy with big rotating sections and arms and levers. It was building something and/or keeping it moving. It wasn’t good or evil, it just was.

Everywhere there were towers growing out of 3D fractals. Again, it had no benevolent spirit, it just was.

I was disappointed that I was in this soulless space. I felt the presence of other board souls. What were we doing, what were we building? Why? I felt like we were trapped and didn’t know what to do with our powers. I tried to create and manifest my life again to go back. It was too hard, and I figured that would not be possible.

So, then I built mountains, and forests, and coral reefs. I ran through the forest as a young wolf creature, but I was monstrously large, moving the earth as I stomped around the mountains. I created orcas but unfortunately couldn’t become one. I created a futuristic San Francisco that was beautiful but more like sculpture and not livable. I started to create an Eden like planet similar to Avatar but felt like it was cheating (and boring) to only have a perfectly good place.

This was all interesting but none of it stuck.
I still felt trapped.
Then it all turned around…

I was guided to a small part of one of the fractal towers by a being. The being was a light green with white light radiating out of it, an asexual humanoid, that was exuding love and light. I was shown that I had created my life. I was very capable of manifesting things in my life. I could see that the fractal tower was feeding life, my life, and it felt so good to know that I am a part of it.

I was part of the source 100%. Everything in the universe is all one. I felt like I had become enlightened.

I was then facing a different being, more like a Buddha. It had more colors and again was radiating pure light and love shining down on me. I truly believed and understood how life and the universe worked. My chest was glowing white. I was starting to regain form.

I then started to come down and float back to reality. I was back in the temple space – because for the entire journey I was not. I was not in my body during this experience. I kept the Mindfold on for almost the entire journey. I believe that increased the intensity. I also did not vomit as some other people did that night.

For the remainder of the trip I was enjoying the music. Having positive thoughts about life, family, friends, and work – yes work. You must enjoy what you do and have purpose in it.

What I brought back;

I had a life changing experience. I died and was reborn. I came back changed and it has continued positive effects on my life. Before this experience I believed in a higher power (God) and an afterlife, but you never really know... After this experience there is no doubt in my mind and soul that we are all connected to God and the Infinite Source. I have seen it, felt it, and experienced it. It was/is real.

My intentions two and a half years later.

• Live healthier, stop binge drinking and smoking.
o After over 20 years smoking, I never touched a cigarette again. After “quitting” so many times this alone has such great value in my life. I drink less but probably still too much.
• What’s on the other side?
o Still unknown, but I am certain there is another side and it is filled with love. That is a priceless gift. I often use imagery and feelings from this experience in my meditations.
• How do I use that knowledge to live a better life?
o I have continued to look for other ways to increase my daily conscious awareness with meditation and mindfulness. I also continue to seek out enlightened teachers and others on the same path.
• How do I bring it into my daily life?
o See above…

• How do I share it with loved ones?
o I have shared this experience with loved ones, and I tell them about the powerful positive results of meditation and mindfulness… and if they are open to it, psychedelics. I am an honest teacher to my young sons.
• What do I need to do/focus on in this lifetime to best use my time here?
o Be positive, radiate love and kindness, build beautiful and important things. I wrote that down the morning after. I try to do this every day. Building beautiful and important things is not as clear and/or easy… hopefully that will become more apparent over time.

Hopefully someday soon this oppression of our consciousness by outlawing psychedelics will be over. This is not for everybody and it is not easy or even enjoyable to see real transformation. People should know the truth and be given the option to choose as an adult.

Exp Year: 2017	ExpID: 113951
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 41
Published: Feb 7, 2020	Views: 4,388
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Ayahuasca (8) : Group Ceremony (21), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Entities / Beings (37), First Times (2)