DOSE:

5 g

oral

Mushrooms

(dried)

BODY WEIGHT:

77 lb

Atheist Meditator Does 5g Shrooms (First Time)

I did the Terence McKenna 5g of mushrooms in TOTAL silent darkness. This was my first time taking anything more intense than MDMA. (I now know, what I did is crazy!) I am a long term meditator and a very stable and calm person. I was inspired by Sam Harris doing "the 5g". I thought I had it all figured out. Oh man, how wrong I was...

I didn't do any research on the experience itself. I wanted to experience it and make up my own mind without outside influence. I really didn't know what an ego-death even meant.

I ate the mushrooms, went to a small pitch-black room with a mattress that I had prepared. I also had an audio recording going on the entire time, so I could make fresh notes to remember better what happened.

The beginning was interesting but very safe. Seeing patterns, merging of the senses and eventually starting to lose different senses altogether. At the time I thought this is cool and felt very confident I was mastering the trip. Oh boy, I really didn't know what was to come...

The trip started to intensive and I was getting sucked to these "rabbit holes". Sort of like getting lost in your thoughts but there was no thoughts, only the void, and experience of the said void. At this point, I made the decision to just surrender and accept what was happening as I had read resistance is futile when it comes to shrooms. I was no longer under any illusion that I was mastering the trip.

This continued to intensive until I reached the peak of the experience. I was losing my "ego" one part at a time. I did not realize this at the time. I was too busy being overwhelmed by the changes that were happening to my conscious experience. I had also lost any ability to record and comment. I had started to lose the concepts of speaking and recording. At the peak was a total loss of ego. It really did sneak up on me.

By "losing my ego" I mean I lost all my memories, who I was, what even is a human, any sense I have or once had a body, the concept of a body was unknown to me. I had no concept of vision or any other senses, I had no idea what was geometry or even causality. I had no idea there could be other conscious beings. I was a totally blank slate of experience.

Also, there was no feeling of being located in space. What I mean is the feeling I have of being behind my eyes and being a passenger in my body didn't exist. Normally I identify with myself, but I didn't identify with anything. I just had the experience of being and everything that I experienced was part of me. An analogy would be in normal state: experiencing everything you experience as part of you. The chair, sounds, phone, and other people would be "you". And also there was no "you" because you have no memories or even basic concept of time. Everything just was.

The void my consciousness encompassed was just that. A void of absolute nothing. A strange indescribable dark void that was everything and one. There was no "time". Just "now", and there was no concept of something being before. It was eternal.

When I started "returning" from this state I started having flashbacks in this void of pure consciousness. Objects like memories sensations and thoughts started to appear. The flashbacks were parts of my past life. The flashbacks did not make any sense because I was missing all the context to interpret these flashbacks. Try making sense of a memory of my dog when I don't even know what living matter or colors are.

This was the most absolutely terrifying part of the experience. Remember I had no clue that I had eaten mushrooms or what are mushrooms or that I had not always been in this egoless state. The confusion and contrast between the egoless state and the normal were just too much to my normal self. I did not know what I was. Was this a dream? Was my old life a hallucination? Am I a madman making this all up? Am I just a lonely single consciousness in the void that just is? Am I going to reach some state even higher than this, something unimaginable? Am I going to wake up and wake up to what!?

I started getting more and more of these flashbacks and the fundamental concepts of the normal world like time and geometry started returning part by part. The horror started to wear off when I got closer to normal and I remembered I had done this to myself and this state will pass. And there was a "me" again.

The experience was fluctuating, meaning I went back to the egoless state and came back multiple times. It was extremely interesting finding my past life for the first time and getting introduced to the world for the first time in all practical sense of the meaning. I saw my life without any attachment to it and I also saw it as totally worthless, but not in any negative sense of the word. This is because I had no attachments. I could not tell the difference in value between a rock and the whole humankind. The whole idea of getting reattached to my old life was extremely foreign to this state of being I was.

The feeling of "falling back to my body" was extremely strange. All my sensations had no location attached to them. My bodyparts were all over the place and I didn't really know what part was what or that they were connected. Also, there were thoughts, images, and sensations of the mattress mixed in. My body concept was like after coming out of a blender.

I died, I was reborn and came back from death. Was fun, will do again.

Exp Year: 2020	ExpID: 113995
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jan 28, 2020	Views: 1,511
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Mushrooms (39) : General (1), First Times (2), Alone (16)