DOSE:	150 mg	oral	Pharms - Memantine
	50 mg	oral	Pharms - Memantine
			Ketamine
			Cannabis
			Nitrous Oxide
			Sceletium tortuosum
			Nicotinamide

BODY WEIGHT:

80 kg

What the Fuck. What the actual Fuck. Memantine is something else. It isn’t just unique, its not even of this world. No other drug has ever left me feeling so confused, stranded, enlightened and terrified to so great an extent. It genuinely feels like I’ve experienced all-encompassing psychosis; I now know what it's like to know nothing and everything simultaneously. There are no words that can even approach the sheer desolation and expansive nature of this drug; literally every particle, value, structure and entity in the universe has been deconstructed and reconstructed before my very eyes.

Let's talk about the duration. This is by a large margin the longest lasting drug experience of my life. I dosed 150 mg at 4 pm on Sunday the 23rd of March. About 7 hours later, I dosed an additional 50 mg, but honestly, the timeline is completely arbitrary so I don’t know exactly when I took the redose. In addition to memantine, I consumed a considerable amount of ketamine, weed, N20, Kanna and nicotine. Never before have I had so many substances in my body, and I honestly wonder to what degree this combination was physically dangerous. I never truly left the outside world, but my internal dialogue was so disoriented and fragmented, the visual effects so extreme and all-encompassing, that I essentially was completely detached from reality. Had I needed to pretend I was sober, I would have essentially appeared to be catatonic (preferable to coming off as a manic philosophizing poly drug addict). Before I proceed I should acknowledge that the other drugs in this combo were also incredibly intense; I can’t really say what was caused by the memantine, and what was caused by the Ketamine, nicotine and weed.

The Visual effects wer otherworldly; a hodgepodge of classic dissociative effects with weird psychedelia. Memantine in many ways feels like the mother drug; every other substance all rolled into one. During the experience I watched casino royale, followed by Cats. Let me tell you; I have experienced these two movies in more ways that any person has any experienced a peace of media. Never before have I been so profoundly repulsed by Daniel Craig (Sorry). He was just so weird, grotesque twisted and fragmented. I was able to follow the plot mostly (I’ve seen it before), but it honestly felt like I had never watched the last 30 minutes. I have no recollection of ever seeing those final scenes before, despite having watched casino royale umpteenth times. But Casino royale was just the beginning; Cats was the fucking boss fight. A horrid Lovecraftian bonanza of uncanniness and blissful horror.

After finishing Cats, it felt like I had been abandoned by god. Everything I knew was being recalibrated and reassembled; My mind had been deconstructed from the ground up. But the trip had only just begun. The next hours were spent in a delirious haze of internal contemplation. I realized things that shouldn’t be realized. I though thoughts that just can’t exist. I experienced external dimensions and landscapes that are incomprehensible to the mind ; higher dimensions and long lost esoteric knowledge. I finally understood what meditation was and its power ; I experienced almost a religious awakening, I suddenly felt like the messiah, a messenger sent down not by a god but by the entities that underly reality itself. I felt in true communion with nature; thoughts had ceased to be atomized and individual; I had tapped into a universal consciousness, the emotional undercurrent that underwrites perception. All of this was occurring whilst taking consistent doses of ketamine and weed, and with each redose I would descend further into the depths of unreality. I could still talk, but the structure and flow of thoughts and speech were completely upended. I experienced actual schizophasia.

After a while, around 7 PM, me and my friend felt sufficiently “sober” to go and take a walk. The weather was incredible; some of the best I’ve seen in my entire time living where I currently live. However, before we could leave, the most profoundly bizarre coincidence occurred that I had ever experienced. As were leaving my dormitory apartment, Someone had wedged the door open with, I kid you not, a pristine set of poker chips. Just left it there for us to find. And the reason why this was so profoundly strange was because I had watched casino royale not 16 hours prior. This honestly boggles my mind ; I don’t want to see this as some incredibly magical occurrence, but its just so damn uncanny. I talked with my other flatmates and we still have no clue who left it there ; someone came into our flat incredibly early in the morning, left that set of poker chips, and then vanished into thin air. One of the few times I have literally been left speechless by the power of coincidence.

The walk itself was almost the most fucked part of the trip. At this point, over 15 hours since first dosing, I was still tripping ridiculously hard, yet at the same time I felt the most sober I’d ever been. I had been granted this crazy level of mental clarity, and I was able to view everything like a newborn child. All objects, entities and colours had now been broken down to their base elements ; vague form was retained, but the constituent parts of everything had been layered on top of itself. I could tell where I was, where I was going, but the everything was just totally fucked. This is the problem with dissociative hallucinations ; there is no way to describe them accurately because dissociative fundamentally fuck with your conception of reality. Everything I experienced was inner; there were no true external hallucinations like one might experience on a deliriant, but the experience felt like delirium. My understanding of the outside world was fundamentally chaotic and unstructured. I didn’t see a long-lost relative speaking to me, but I was cut off from reality in a fundamentally different fashion. I actually think that Memantine induces a state of extreme thought disorder, like that which is seen in schizophrenia or dementia. I mean, I don’t know this, but that Is how it felt like to me; Just total detachment from existing systems of thought, meaning, value and morality.

As I was walking through the park, we walked through a grouping of geese. I just felt so damn silly ; I kept thinking about what It would be like to be a goose. It came to the point where I actually was able to feel what its like to be a goose, like what their perception and cognition are like. And it was just so fundamentally funny to me in the most childish, wacky way. My depth Perception was also completely rearranged ; things that looked near were far and vice versa. Honestly, If you’ve seen the google deep dream simulations, its not too dissimilar to that. The main distinction is a lack of colour, and the lack of colour brightening. Memantine feels completely neutral. It is neither a benevolent or malevolent substance. It just is, existing in isolation and yet simultaneously in total unity. Everything retains its fundamental form, but constituent parts are pulled asunder, discombobulated and then recombobulated.

After leaving the park, we returned to my campus. But before going back to my dorm, we decided to take a longcut and walk around my residential campus. Holy shit ; I have been living in this place since September of last year and I realized that I had never so much as bothered to explore it. There was so much more to my surroundings, secret paths and passageways that I had no idea about.

I was tripping with a close friend who himself dosed a total of 110 mg to my 200mg. He also had an incredibly fucked experience, but he came out of it seeming far more normal than myself.

I have very little understanding of the timeline of my experiences or of the trip. My visual acuity has exploded through the roof; HD tv shows and movies now seem ridiculously high quality. But this effect alternates; at times the quality is incredibly high, whilst there is simultaneously still a strange, alien nature to everything. Humans look grotesque and cartoonish, colours still morph in strange, dissociated ways, and it's like I have tunnel vision everywhere I look.

Even after all this time, my thoughts remain incredibly disorganized. I’ve had a gamut of realizations about my whole life and the universe that honestly would seem like the ramblings of a lunatic if I spoke of them. I honestly feel like this dose of memantine may have caused drug induced mania in myself. I feel incredibly grandiose, like I’m literally capable of anything. I can seduce any person I desire, I can become ridiculously wealthy and powerful, I can discover the cure for all illnesses. I’ve also decided to finally pick up an instrument and make art ; music, film, painting, sculpture etc... In many ways, I feel like Siddharta Gautauma ; many forms of esoteric knowledge are now comprehensible to me when they felt silly and illogical earlier. I also now have a overwhelming desire to learn ; to become a polymath, a polyglot, a philosopher and a scientist. I honestly feel like I may change the track of my undergraduate degree; For all my life I’ve felt unsure about what I want and what I desire but suddenly everything has become clear. It's like suddenly all barriers and restrictions have been lifted and the world is now open for play. I don’t understand how I can feel this way, but I just do. Perhaps these grandiose feelings will fade away as the trailing effect of memantine wears off, but I know that this experience will undoubtedly have a profound effect on my perspective and perception of reality forever. Hopefully in a positive way.

Exp Year: 2020	ExpID: 114268
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 20
Published: Apr 16, 2020	Views: 1,661
[ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
Cannabis (1), Ketamine (31), Pharms - Memantine (309) : Multi-Day Experience (13), Combinations (3), Small Group (2-9) (17)