DOSE:	1.5 cups	oral	Ayahuasca	(tea)
	0	insufflated	Tobacco	(ground / crushed)

BODY WEIGHT:

78 kg

First of all, I’m Italian, so I hope my report is enough good-written since english is not my native language.

I had some bad trips with LSD in my early twenties so I decided I didn’t want to use any psychedelic substance anymore. I started meditating and went on for almost 20 years, but in my forties my problems with anxiety and panic attacks came back, stronger than ever. I felt I had to do something different this time, so even though I was terrified I decided to join an ayahuasca retreat, and that was the best decision I could have made. The experience felt so familiar, I felt like I was back home, and I totally fell in love with it. This was something I had to explore again and again.

A few months later I joined another retreat, 3 ceremonies in 3 nights in a row. Looking back I can say that the first night was all about purging and cleaning (body); the second night was about an incredibly precise scanning of my personality and my identity, in search for all the bugs and errors in my internal OS (mind); the third night was about going beyond myself (spirit): this last night is the one I’d like to share.

—————
I just drank my cup and I’m sitting on my mattress. In like 5 minutes the effects are beginning: I feel like I’m on a shore before a vast ocean, and the little candle in the center of the room is like the sun setting on the horizon, far far away. I was the last to drink but the first to purge: I’m vomiting in my trash bag, one time, two times, three times, four times again and again, maybe for half an hour. I’m looking into the trash bag: I can’t see the bottom, it’s just a black hole, a well of undisclosed depth in which everything disappears. Then a voice inside my head says: “There’s nothing else to heal”. The vomiting stops, and I realise that I’m not having any vision, nothing. Never happened in previous ceremonies, and won’t happen in future ones. It’s just an indescribable warm feeling of connection, of relaxing and melting of all my boundaries.

I lie down. My kundalini starts to wake up. It happens every time I drink ayahuasca: my hips start shaking, then vibrating, the frequency rises til I feel a fresh tingling energy going up to my spine to the center of the back of my head. This fresh energy keeps going up and down but the back of my head seems to be the operational center, the place that decides and directs everything. But this time is different, this time it’s a force of unknown magnitude. It’s like I’m making love to myself, it’s a highly sensual energy. Waves of vibrating fast energy are blasted throughout my body, increasing in strength and frequency. I’m a serpent now. My entire body is bending and vibrating, my face is melting, tears and mucus and saliva are constantly leaking out. My eyes start rolling asymmetrically in every direction inside my orbits. Every fibre of my being is pushed to its limit. I’m not scared, I trust the Madre. This state goes on and on, at least for an hour, probably more. I’m exhausted but it doesn’t stop.

I realise there’s a loving presence watching over me. It emanates limitless compassion and unconditional love but at the same time it’s tough: it’s there for a reason, no matter how hard is for me, it’s not there to sugar any pill, it’s there for a job that has to be done. I realise at the same time that all this energy going through my body is really trying to tear me apart, it wants to liberate something that I instantly understand it’s my spirit. It’s a huge energy, an incredible power I carry inside of me, we all do… it’s like a bomb. It’s Love. I’m really bursting with Love, and the shaking and vibrating is like a “violent” relentless passion that serves the aim.

Finally I reach the breaking point. There’s a vision: a series of images, like a pile of pictures. They are shown to me, each one is from the past of the life I’m now living on this planet. They don’t necessarily show big events or turning points. For example, one is just the view that I had of the living room when I sat of the floor watching television when I was maybe 3/4 years old. They are in chronological order, from the oldest to the most recent. It’s a very quick vision, it lasts half a second, but I can clearly and vividly see and recognise everything impressed on these pictures. I see them all simultaneously. Then they turn to dust and disappear. My chronology has been canceled, my personal history is gone. 44 years of life in half a second. My ego has been annihilated and is dead now.

Everything stops. The shakings, the vibrations suddenly stop. I take a long, profound breath. My eyes come back in their regular position, and then roll back. I don’t need my physical eyes anymore to see. I’m in the light. Total vast eternal light. It’s like staring at the sun. I feel an inexplicable kind of euphoria, I feel joy, I feel calmness, i’m in a blissful infinite void full of light. It’s impossible to describe it with words. It was so impersonal at the same time. I didn’t loose myself: i was aware I was in the ceremony room with other people, I knew where I was but I was in another dimension at the same time. This state was so peculiar because it was stable: the things I see during a ceremony are usually very fast and constantly changing, i can watch them very precisely but it’s a constant flow, it never stops, it can slow down but everything usually passes by pretty quickly. This wasn’t passing. This was there to stay, like it was the ultimate reality, like it was the place where we come from and we all will go back. It was eternity. From time to time I touched my eyes because I couldn’t figure out if they were open or closed. I tried to use them again and i could, if I wanted. But then when I wanted they rolled back and I instantly went back into that light. After some time I went to ask for a tiny little cup of ayahuasca, which was given to me, because hey, who wouldn’t prolong that blissful state of consciousness.

After drinking that second tiny cup (and after having a rapé too) I came back to my place and kept surrendering to this light. After a while, something started to emerge from it. It wasn’t a being, or anything than resembled a life-form. It was a symbol. It was alive, for sure, but that “something” appeared to me in the form of an equilateral triangle. It made me think of a pyramid. This triangle was white too but it had some sort of beautiful glass-like moving reflections on it. Then a little circle appeared on the top of the triangle. I just stayed there contemplating this form, in full eternal silence, I couldn’t think of anything, and today, after three years, I still don’t even dare to try to define or name or explain what it was. It was, and that’s enough.

As the sun began to rise, I slowly came out of that dimension. It stopped when my eyes stopped rolling back. I couldn’t sleep (I’m never able to do it after a ceremony is just finished), I was really tired but honestly I didn’t want lo loose consciousness over that incredible strong warm feeling of joy that was still in me. So I walked out of the facility where we were having the retreat (a beautiful old isolated farm in the hills in northern Italy) and just as i went outside I felt like everything was poured inside of me, like a waterfall. It was like I saw the world for the first time, and it was so beautiful, i fell on my knees and started to cry. It was spring and everything was so full of life and so benevolent. For the rest of that day, and for the following days, everything was a first. The first time I looked someone in the eyes. The first hug. The first time I ate or drank.

Everything was new.

Exp Year: 2017	ExpID: 114411
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 44
Published: May 22, 2020	Views: 1,478
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Ayahuasca (8) : Mystical Experiences (9), Entities / Beings (37), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1), Group Ceremony (21)