DOSE:

repeated

oral

Ayahuasca

(tea)

BODY WEIGHT:

80 kg

AYAHUASCA – A JOURNEY

I took the first steps of a journey. I felt Ayahuasca calling. After some searching, I chose to go to a center in the Netherlands. It turned out to be the right choice. I have now met Mother Ayahuasca four times. The four meetings are connected. The first time a tentative encounter, the last three ceremonies led to what I was hoping for and maybe dreading.

It is very important for me that I can read and refresh what I experienced – the knowledge I believe was found working together with Ayahuasca. I want to thank everyone who ever meant anything to me, I would never have been able to do it alone. At the same time I walked alone, and for that I am forever grateful to myself.

The center in the Netherlands is the kind of place where I feel like home the moment I walk in the door. The feeling of the house itself, the crew and the people coming here with their hopes and hearts in their hands, tell everything. We are all different, with different experiences, but we are all the same behind all the bullshit. When I am aligned on the inside with the eternal and in unconditional love, I meet others in the same way. It's a thin line, the challenge is clear: Love yourself!

First ceremony:
(24/7-2019)
(2 drinks)

Mother Ayahuasca, can you show me how I can find love, show love and judge less? Inside my mind was the whole world, in conflict. Islam against Christianity on a global scale, but it originated in my family. Cold fronts, war! All the time a voice said to me: «You need to have PATIENCE AND RESPECT!»

After the ceremony I was left with these two words: PATIENCE AND RESPECT. BUT – I did not feel better, I felt I had been shown something important, but where would I go now? I had the feeling I was standing outside a door and that there was no way back. Mother Ayahuasca, was this how you prepared me for round two?

Second ceremony:
(25/7-2019)
(3 drinks)

Hope is the most important thing we have. Now I put my hope in the hands of [the center] and I stayed for another ceremony. What else could I have done? After four hours, right after the prayor «Ultimate Creator», Mother Ayahuasca opened the door to the closet. I was now in a red, pulsating universe, somewhere below the level of concepts and thought. Everywhere was a deep, pulsating sound. This was it. My time of reckoning. I saw my whole kingdom, manifested in the prayor, bathed in every beautiful colour. Then the colours faded and everything turned to gray, leaving it lifeless. Something inside of me had withered and died.

«Have respect and patience with what I'm going to show you now!», I heard Mother Ayahuasca say. Now I had a vision of a roaming mind lost in insanity. The choice was clear: Carry your cross and be reborn, or go mad. I must use the symbol of the cross, because I felt like Jesus, nailed to the cross by all the sins I had taken upon my shoulders. I signalled for one of the dear helpers in the ceremony, to come hold my hand.
It's hard! I said.
I know, you're doing perfect! he replied.
I feel like Jesus! I uttered.
You ARE Jesus! he answered!

My childhood faith was there to help me now, and I am endlessly grateful for that. Then I started puking in the bucket. I lay halfway on the mattress, halfway on the floor, hitting the ground with my fists over and over again – while saying: «Have respect and patience with this! This is real, this is your cross!»

Sometime during this ordeal I bit off a small piece of of the white plastic bag in my bucket. If I am not able to come through this, this small piece will be my hope. Hope never dies. Suddenly all of it came out of me and into the bucket. I felt like an animal ridding myself of sickness. I drank some water, puked more, drank water, puked even more – again and again.

Suddenly Mother Ayahuasca let me come down to earth again like a leaf gently falling to the ground. I lay for a long time on my mattress, repeating to myself: «Oh, my fucking God! Thank you! Respect and patience! Oh, my fucking God!»

The ceremony had started around 1330. A little after 2100 I got onto my feet and left the ceremony room.

Third ceremony:
(6/11-2019)
(2 drinks)

Mother Ayahuasca, can you please show me how I can love more, worry less and be free? First part of the ceremony was centered around my judgemental ego, deevaluating, obsessing on how this must be wrong, that this is not the way to truth, that I am going crazy. I felt at the same time that all the judging is INSIDE of me. Nowhere else. When I judge someone else, I really judge only myself. Can this stop? Can I be set free? Then, suddenly, something inside of me gives me a giant hug, all-encompassing:

YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! I LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY! I cried. Tears ran down my face. Thank you!

The ceremony continued, but the judgmental thoughts returned. There is no use! More ego, more comparing and belittling.
Then, a sudden turn. «I have a challenge for you:»
LOVE YOURSELF!
«Do you accept?»
«Yes, I do! I accept the challenge!»
MADS, YOU ARE THE TOUGHEST PERSON I KNOW! YOU DON`T HAVE TO PROVE IT TO ANYONE! YOU ARE BRAVE, WISE AND COMPASSIONATE! AND NEVER FORGET YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR!

Then Mother Ayahuasca let me come back, like a falling leaf. I stood up and walked out of the ceremony room.

Fourth ceremony:
(7/11-2019)
(1 drink)

I yawned over and over again. For short periods I was also sleeping in a dream state where I can't remember what happened. But mostly I yawned and stretched. I yawned probably 30-50 times. All the while I repeat the words from yesterday:

I LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY, JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! YOU ARE THE BRAVEST PERSON I KNOW, AND YOU DON`T HAVE TO PROVE IT TO ANYONE! HERE IS THE CHALLENGE: «LOVE YOURSELF!»

At the end of the journey there came a warning:
WATCH IT! IT IS A STRAIGHT LINE! YOU DO NOT WANT TO FALL OFF, IT IS A LONG WAY DOWN:

LOVE YOURSELF!

Living by this demands:

PATIENCE, RESPECT AND COMPASSION

This ceremony was calm, with a lot of yawning. My thoughts and feelings were calm and I did not feel like I needed to open any more doors.

Exp Year: 2019	ExpID: 114616
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 41
Published: Aug 5, 2020	Views: 900
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Ayahuasca (8) : Entities / Beings (37), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1), Group Ceremony (21)