DOSE: T+ 0:00	2 hits	sublingual	LSD
T+ 0:00	2 hits	oral	LSD
T+ 0:00	500 mg	oral	Acetaminophen
T+ 0:00	500 - 1000 mg	oral	Vitamins / Supplements
T+ 0:50	2 mg	oral	Pharms - Alprazolam

BODY WEIGHT:

78 kg

Background: 78kg male, 19 years old, it was my 14th acid trip (excluding a few microdoses, largest dose beforehand: 400ug a year prior). I had wanted to take a large dose of acid for a while but I never had the opportunity.

It was in October, a few weeks before I was going to the military. I had prepared and planned for it, I meditated twice a day and abstained from pornography and unhealthy food. I also had a great, very intense experience on 200ug and some weed about over a month prior, but I felt like I wanted something that would really put me out of my comfort zone and give me something to improve upon and integrate while serving time in the military. I also had two 1mg xanax pills, which I could take as tripkillers if things happened to go south.

I told my parents that while they went to our grandparents house, I wanted to stay home and have a small party with friends, which they agreed to, so I was able to trip in the comfort of my own home. I also definitely needed a tripsitter, but my best friend was out of town so I got one of my other friends to stay with me. We were good friends but not extremely close, we had tripped together in the past and he had helped me calm down during difficult moments beforehand, so I figured he would be an ideal tripsitter for the evening.

T -00.30 About 4 pm I went to the shop and bought some snacks, some blueberries and inflated chocolate, which are amazing while tripping, also some cheese snacks and vitamin water. My friend, who I will call K showed up and we started to prepare for the trip, setting up ways to play music and chatting. He told me he had to at some point go and drive his girlfriend to some place to get food or something, I can't remember exactly, I just said that it was fine.

T 00:00 So I took the acid, so far so good. I had 4 200ug tabs with the "trippy trolls" print, claimed by a few people I know who ingested the same batch to be very strong ones. I would say from other experiences that they might be a little less than 200ug but definitely more than a standard 100ug. I don't have any way to access a testing kit since me and a majority of my friends live with their drug unfriendly families, so you just have nowhere to order it to. I didn't want to wait a million hours for it to kick in so I took 2 tabs sublingually and swallowed two, since two doses of a majority of sketchy RC acid alternatives wouldnt kill me and they aren't usually active when swallowed. However, this is not a safe way to take acid, please don't follow in my footsteps, get a test kit. Fortunately the tabs were tasteless, indicating good acid. When I took 400ug a year back, one thing which really bothered me was the bodyload, so this time I also took 500mg of paracetamol and about 0.5g to 1g of l-citrulline, which I had experienced to greatly help with it. We put on some music and sat behind the table, waiting for what was to come.

T +00.10 Ten damn minutes and I'm already feeling it. Unreal. I'm having these weird skin sensations on my face and paying way more attention to the silences between sentences in a conversation. My thoughts began to have some noticeable gaps of silence too. I still felt amazing and peaceful thanks to meditating in the morning.

T +00.20 I'm looking at the forest outside the window. There are patterns on the tree branches, the leaves are a beautiful orange colour because it's autumn. I'm literally already having visuals at the level of like a 200ug trip, I'm quite clear headed but time is starting to slow down a bit. My friend says he envies me for being able to have such an experience. I get sort of a feeling that the acid is disturbing the comfortable state I had achieved through meditation beforehand, but I was still quite joyous. A suggestion for what I could have done better: a good mindset to go into a trip is not to be peaceful and comfortable but strong and ready for discomfort but in a way that you are willing to let go of whatever needs to be let go of. I get an urge to pee like two times during the come up, the trip seemed to intensify a lot every time I would go into or come out of the bathroom, because of the environmental change.

T +00.35 K now tells me he has to go and give his gf a ride, he asked if I wanted to come with him, but I refused, since I thought my home would be much safer than his car. That was a mistake, in hindsight riding around, playing music and looking at the world with someone I could trust would have been a way better option instead of being alone at home. About that time I also put on my unfinished psychedelic album, which I had been working on for the longest time. I played the first track and we both were enjoying it, but that was about when he had to leave.

So I was now home alone. The acid was hitting me stronger and stronger, I was getting some nausea and the visuals and auditory hallucinations were starting to give me impressions of just unsafe amounts of volts zapping around in my brain. I felt as if my brain was a snail that was poisoned by a psilocybin mushroom now dying in cramps or something. The second song on the album came on, for which we had recorded vocals for with one of my friends a few days back. Since the vocals weren't edited and mixed yet and it is my song all the microscopic imperfections started really bothering me.

I was pacing around the room and saw the neighbours come out to their garden to play with their kids. This was also causing some paranoia to me, I was getting worried that I would trip out real hard and go outside and then get caught by them or something. I made really strong efforts to just push it through the discomforts. I also started getting worried about my heartrate and body temperature, which I suspect might have been increased a bit by the citrulline, since I've previously had this effect with it on acid. I've dealt with these issues on prior trips and should have now been able to get over it but it was just so much stronger this time. The music reminded me of the passing of time which comforted me and I started listening to the vocal, pushing myself through the time dimension syllable by syllable. Interestingly I wasn't able to understand a word of the lyrics I myself had written and heard so many times. I started to patiently wait for the trip sitter to come back, but I realized I was spending what felt like 5 minutes of thoughts on about every 10 seconds of audio.

I then remembered where I could find help. A youtuber has this live ego death video, that has helped me get my mind straight during a few intense experiences beforehand. I somehow managed to hit the right letters on this phone that felt like the control board of a spaceship and searched it up. It did help calm me quite a bit although I had some trouble understanding language. I layed down in the middle of my living room, and just tried to let it happen but that would make everything so intense and my heart started pumping so hard as if it wanted to jump out of my chest. I started pacing again, going into different rooms and shit. And it was not the peak! It was still getting more and more intense every second and showed no signs of slowing down. I was having trouble walking and coordinating myself, but I also couldn't stand still.

T +00:50 I just couldn't handle it anymore and decided to take the trip killers while I was still able to. My hands were shaking and it was quite difficult getting these two xanax pills out of the package and down with water. Okay, guess I will now start to slowly sober up and all will be well... Sike! That thing takes ages to kick in and I kept still getting higher and higher with no relief on the horizon. I also have never taken xanax beforehand and 2mg is quite a large dose. Taking it at all was a big mistake, as you will see.

Then I sat down and at 5:24 I had texted K "I don't understand shit" and "Took a trip killer." He asked me if I can handle it to which I simply replied "help" and "come quick." He said he will be in his car in 5 minutes, I kept insisting that he must come here fast. Being able to be vulnerable and not having to fight the urge to take the trip killers helped relieve some tension for me.

He arrived there about 20 minutes later and I felt a huge relief. Just a sober person's presence who understood me and how the world works made it so much easier to handle. Had I been with him the whole time I probably wouldn't have wanted the trip killer at all. This is where the xanax slowly started kicking in. And this is where it started to slowly get pretty interesting. It was weird, it didn't really act as a trip killer for me at all, the effects just somehow ran in parallel. At first we decided to play cards (at least tried to because I couldn't understand anything about the game), we made some tea and listened to Tame Impala. I started noticing some comfortable but weird effects that I wouldn't ever associate with acid. It felt more like alcohol, but with some effects dampened and some increased.

I started feeling careless about my actions, was forgetting stuff, forgot that I'm on acid. I got this slumpy and a bit reckless feeling that usually comes from alcohol but much stronger, not caring about any consequences. I started (this is from what K told me later) randomly spitting out the food that I was eating and putting it in my tea, on the table, even put a few chewed blueberries into the air circulation hole of my chimney. I had no idea of what I was doing and no doubt in it whatsoever. There are chunks of time I have literally 0 memories about. This is not how acid usually affects people, the xanax was definitely starting to hit me. K thought that I was soon going to be fine because of the xanax and left, because he had to bring back his car or something. Oh boy was he wrong.

The xanax really kicked into full gear. This is where things get messy because this is where the loop began, or rather a spiral of chaos, becoming the only true reality there is for me. The first iteration of the loop was my entire life up to me taking acid and understanding I'm in the loop when reaching the startpoint of a second iteration. The second iteration was much smaller than the first one, where I would go to some point I remember in my home with a certain activity like making tea, drinking water, going to the toilet, sitting on the couch and so on, and then discover the next point of the loop/spiral I had to go to. But the thing is every time I went to any of these places, I discovered I had messed it up a bit more, knocked something over or found more spat out blueberries there. So the thing was that every time I would revisit any place I would mess it up even more until I turn my entire universe into messed up chaos, and I was doomed to be digging myself into this grave of entropy until the end of time. I also was the only person or being alive in the universe, I didn’t think anything existed beyond my experience.

So my solution to this was to try to map the loop in my head (it looked a bit like the golden spiral but more triangular), try to estimate where the centre of it was and to sprint as fast as I could straight to the end of it, hoping to skip all the painful iterations. But when I did this I realized every time that I got tricked and the centre was just another point in the loop and I had to do all the calculations again to find the real centre just to get played again the same way. In reality I was just sprinting around my house like a maniac. One time the centre of the loop was in some random car parked like 40m from my house, I ran outside barefoot and just started pulling the car door with insane force, I'm surprised it didn't bend it or break open or something.

Another one I also remember was a point on the roof of my porch. I remember climbing out of my rooms window (2nd floor), knocking over a beautiful plant I really cared about, rip plant, walked like 1.5m on my window sill, jumped over a metre gap from where the sill ended to the roof of my porch and then walked across it and jumped back down to the ground from like a 3-4m height. I did some crazy crackhead parkour that night, which I would have considered impossible while sober, but then it just seemed like a walk in the park. I felt no fear, I felt no pain. It's so fucked up that the next day I wouldn't believe it really happened. But then I saw a big dent in the plastic roof of my porch and also found footprints of my naked feet on my window sill, which was clear evidence that it all really went down. I then tripped around for a while and ended up finding the end of the loop at the corner of my couch and then just layed there waiting for something to happen for who knows how long.

T +06:30 I then soon started to realize that the loop isn't real and started sobering up. My body was exhausted, my knuckles bled in some places, my sofa was wet with what I hope was water but may just as well have been tea, piss or anything. There was like a 7cm hole in the door of my toilet, a toilet paper roll in the water and a toilet brush pushed on top of it, random wet toilet paper and a few blueberries in the sink. In the kitchen there were a few blueberries, chewed cheese pieces, chocolate pieces smashed and smeared onto the furniture, in the hall was the clothes stand knocked over and an alarm system controller knocked off the wall. In my room there was dirt all over my table right next to some expensive audio equipment and my damn plant literally broken in half. Fuck. I called K and talked to him for a while, and then went to sleep because it was all too much to deal with.

The next morning: Woke up looked around and it all just looked like a big fuck u to me and LSD which I both care about so much. I felt like shit. Ate some. Still felt like crap, and wasted some time on my phone avoiding the whole thing. But then I had a surge of anger like "is this really how I'm dealing with it?" and I decided to go jogging and took a cold shower. I then felt way better, cleaned the whole thing up. I made the hard phone call, telling my parents that the "party" went a little out of hand and the bathroom door and alarm controller are broken now.

The whole experience fortunately didn't seem to have any long term negative effects on me. I have had some flashback thoughts that "the universe may be secretly getting more and more messed up and it wouldn't even violate any laws" and such, getting amplified by the COVID situation, but I have understood the stupidity of it and and it's basically not bothering me any longer. The scary thing is that if the loop wasn’t just a trip and was really the ultimate reality of the universe, it would be what still feels like a totally valid reality. And there would be no one to help or save you from the eternal suffering. If there are worlds somewhere with different laws of physics and mathematics, anything is possible. It includes such horrific systems like the loop but also absolutely amazing ones. But at the end of the day, we can’t make a solid point about a universe where logic works differently, because in that context whatever we say would be illogical. We can only talk about the world we live in, and it’s for sure one of the amazing ones.

I will probably take another attempt at a high dose trip some day, I now know a bit better what I might be in for and will make sure my tripsitter doesn't have any obligations, and also fuck xanax, never wanna take this thing again. I do not blame the tripsitter for leaving me alone, since he had to rearrange his plans to be there for me at all which I can only be very thankful for.

Exp Year: 2020	ExpID: 115310
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 19
Published: Apr 19, 2021	Views: 3,791
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