DOSE:

3 hits

smoked

DMT

BODY WEIGHT:

154 lb

Oh where to begin… How do you do a write up of walking hand in hand with madness!

I’m not looking for an A grade in English here, I mean there’s going to be resurfaced words, words like Nothingness, Meaningless and Familiarity recurring over and over again because there’s nothing else I’m armed with in this limited arsenal of vocabulary of mine and I’m sure vast sections will make no sense whatsoever so bear with me – Hopefully I can do this justice… but who cares anyway, this is all an illusion and you’re not really real…

After years and years of dieting on a wide-eyed cosmic wonder of ‘What is this all about??’, spending many an evening micro dosing on weed, meditating, trying in vain to desperately gain a profound insight on the workings of the universe and about 1500 episodes of Joe Rogan I had finally managed to gate-crash and muscle in on my very own little party for one! I’m ready for this, this was everything I ever wanted, a date with the Devine!

I’d been giving it Billy Big Bollocks all week, reading an endless number of accounts on first hand experiences and tales from the other side, ‘Go heavy or go home’ was etched in my psyche, ‘aint got no time for none of this geometric pattern bullshit, I want to be cannoned straight in to Hyperspace, uncover infinite knowledge and wax lyrical with he himself, God the almighty!’, Like I said, I thought I was ready, it wouldn’t take long to figure out I was not.

Tonight, was the night, the time had come, the universe delivered and now I had to hold up my end of the bargain. Set and setting couldn’t have been better, it was calm, well as calm as it can be when you’ve arranged a return ticket to madness, the vibe was spiritual, deep and quite thought provoking. Trippy, relaxing music sounded from the four corners of the room, the lighting was soft… delicate even, the environment was comfortable, jovial at times however there’s no getting away from it, there was a sense of trepidation in the air.

It was interesting to see how different people in the room were behaving to the looming uncertainty, some were quiet, some were making wisecracks trying to break the tension, some wore an unnerved smile painted across their face. There was a sense of unity though, a sense that we were all in this together. Yes we are going to places unknown but at least we would be going together – Well kind of.

Truth be known I was with my Girlfriends’ friends, some of which I’ve never met, so admittedly this may have slightly added to my own little personal hell, not to say I was completely uncomfortable or anything like that, but it did raise the apprehension knob up a notch than if the dynamics were reversed and I’d been with my circle of friends. Taking all this into consideration though and looking back now I really wasn’t as apprehensive as I should have been.

We went around the room each expressing what our intentions were, it was my turn and uttered some throw away bullshit comment like wanting a positive experience or something, in truth I just didn’t want to sound too deep or woo woo in front of the others, I mean what am I going to say, ‘I’m an anxious little boy man thing that generally feels inadequate as a human being when comparing myself to the Insta, Facebook, Twitter and whatever else crap there is out there and want to confront these demons of inadequacy in the misguided hope of living a better, happier, more fulfilled existence…’ Bit long init! Plus my other half was there and I’m still managing to keep up the charade of being someone that has his shit together.

So yeah, all week I’ve been psyching myself up for an heroic dose, telling my other half to make sure I ‘whack on 50mg and take 3 hits… 3 hits… Make sure I take 3 hits!!!’ Yet on the day like the little boy man thing I so painstakingly obviously am started to reevaluate my ‘Go Heavy Or Go Home’ vibe.

We started light, with one hit, I held my breath and counted for 20 seconds, Ross from Friends style…. One Mississippi, Two Mississippi, Three Mississippi… I was thinking that I really should have clarified whether or not to throw the Mississippi thing into the mix before we started, I mean was I really counting to 30 or 40 seconds or something instead??? The smoke soaked into my lungs, I started vibrating, resonating and it just continued to intensify, patterns were forming in front of my eyes, lots of blues and blacks, I had this sense of familiarity, like I know this place. As I zoned in on the details of these shapes an Aztec like face appeared with its mouth open, I found it pretty intimidating, I really didn’t like it… ‘Fuck, I thought, I knew I shouldn’t have gone with the Mississippi thing!’ I was able to rationalize it to myself though, I was hallucinating, I was simply under the influence of DMT, I was going to be Ok, all this is to be expected. Things started to calm down after that, I felt like I peaked, there was a sense of relief, I was struck with how seeing this Aztec face sparked some kind of ‘Oh I remember this’ feeling, it all felt eerily familiar and very tribal.

We all sat and shared our experience, everyone else in the room seemingly having a real positive experience, I was just sat there thinking ‘Fuck, why am I not positively shining right now like everyone else?’ I rationalised that this was purely a numbers thing, like some sadistic type of Russian Roulette on steroids game, if someone was going to have a bad trip it was bound to be me…

I tried not to get too caught up in this, I didn’t want to offload another shit tonne of apprehension into the mix but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t leave a lingering doubt in my mind to the potential horrors to come, I kind of figured from this point on I’d be in for a rough ride…

This time we went for two hits, again I went with the No Fucks Given vibe, I sucked down on that bong with the biggest, deepest breath, held and counted for 20 seconds and quicker than you could say ‘Mississippi’ I got the vibrations searing through me and the patterns forming, it was mostly blues, blacks and golds, again there was an Aztec feel to the scene and again a sense of familiarity (told you I’d use this word a lot!).

I felt I was travelling around viewing these shapes and patterns rather than being stationary, the feeling was starting to become a little overwhelming, like a shot of realisation straight through the veins informing me just how powerful this stuff is and how powerless I am against it, I was completely at its mercy, it could have done anything and everything it wanted, I had nothing…

The bong was right in front of me again, ‘Arms and legs in the cart at all times, this is about to get bumpy!’ I thought, I went in for that second hit… Again, completely Gun-ho I sucked down hard man, took a deep breath and held for 20 seconds. The patterns intensified, the vibrations exploded throughout every atom of my body, the vibrations, the patterns, me - We were all one, dividing, then sub-dividing and so on, these red, earthly colours overlaid a white back drop, I was pure vibration.

This all initially started to feel incredibly orgasmic at first, like I was ejaculating, however it quickly consumed me, completely overwhelmed me, suddenly this orgasmic feeling resonated through every cell within, it was all too much, I panicked, I remember thinking this is what God must feel like, I have no right to feel like this, this is not how it’s meant to be, I’m a mere mortal, it was sensory overload – I was experiencing death.

A face again appeared, it wasn’t as intimidating or as sinister as the previous face from the previous hit, I would say it was more feminine than masculine but can’t be sure, this figure was blue, with long, black, scrapped back hair, with a gold head band and gold accessories around its neck. This being gave me a look, as if to say, ‘Oh, you think you’re ready…’ It was at this precise moment I knew I fucked up!

Everything just exploded into something quite biblical, to quote Queen, there was literally thunderbolts and lightening, and believe me it was very, very frightening! I felt like I was in the middle of the sea, in the most violent of storms, the chaos of the wind and the rain forming some kind of whirlpool, swirling round all around me, the lighting ripping through the midnight sky and the ferocious sound of thunder as it roared was deafening, I vaguely remember getting on my knees, throwing my hands in the air, looking up to the heavens shouting ‘Surrender, Surrender’ in some kind of futile attempt to let go and get a handle on the situation in the middle of this vortex of craziness that ripped and tore my body to fragmented bits. After researching hours and hours of fellow Psychonauts' experiences, I knew Surrendering was key, but it was all in vain… I simply had absolutely no control where I was going.

The chaos of the above ended so abruptly - I just killed myself, I was dead, I was sure of it… I was surrounded by complete and utter nothingness. Nothing existed other than white. I really can’t stress the complete and utter nothingness here! No sound… Not even the faint sound of silence existed, not even the colour black, there was no light, there was just nothing, there was no meaning - I kept relaying the same message, ‘What have I done, what have I done’. The fear, the terror, the intense sorrow consumed me, this wasn’t peering over the edge, taking a quick glimpse of insanity, this was more peering over the edge, losing my footing, falling into insanity and crashing with an almighty, intergalactic wallop and insanity clutching me within its suffocating grip, constricting tighter and tighter until my mind cracked. I had a visual of me spilling over, decapitated, squirming around the floor and any sanity left within just bleeding out of me in glitter. This was all very Begotten-esque, if you’ve never seen the film before Youtube ‘Begotten, God Kills Himself’ and this will give you an idea of what I was experiencing… Harrowing doesn’t come close. Strangely, when I come round, my girlfriend noticed glitter in my hair, I shit you not! Spooky right!

I vaguely remembered having an idea of family, of loved ones, of experiencing love - What an amazing idea I thought but all that stuff isn’t real… Where I was right now was reality, I was so sad. Then the sense that I may have experienced love once, resonated, Did I? or Didn’t I? I couldn’t be sure… I felt like I was at the beginning of the universe, the dawn of time before anything existed, how could love possibility of existed before this point, I’m at the beginning of everything. I couldn’t shake it off though, maybe I did love once but I just chose to give all that up? I had a family, a Son, a Partner, the guilt washed over me. Did I really have everything I ever wanted once? Why wasn’t I happy? Why did I decide to give it up? Was searching for answers more important than my loved ones???

This plane of existence I found myself in was reality, nothing felt more real than this place. It was the blankest of canvasses – Nothing had been created yet. Nothing! I felt incredibly lonely – I remember thinking what a nice idea it was to have individuals, to have separation, to have people to talk to, to share things with, to laugh and to love, it was an idea, a nice idea, what a shame it wasn’t real.

Suddenly there was a block, then two blocks on top of each other, then four, eight and so on, it created this stick figure that was multiplying and creating shapes, reproducing, and going beyond 3D, contorting in positions I just couldn’t comprehend, each block representing a different colour… It reminded me of the Italia ‘90 stick figure that used to run across the screen whenever a team scored a Goal! This stick figure just started to spill out everywhere creating backdrops and scenery, it become a life form.

My attention was diverted momentarily as I sensed or remembered the bond I had with my sister, how I watched her as a baby, how I watched her grow into a woman and how she was a part of me – We had divided from the same stuff. This was overlaid with a kind of bacteria through a microscope or a single celled organism visual, multiplying, dividing and sub dividing – The sounds of rustling and slithering was a constant presence as things were starting to form around me.

Being overcome with such fear of having no meaning and the terror of being alone for all of eternity, I fought desperately hard to start to create. I didn’t want to be alone, I wanted to have meaning – I needed to create! I squirmed and thrashed violently, struggling desperately, in an attempt to kick start life into existence. All that stuff I thought was such a good idea, family, loved ones, experiencing love, that’s what I wanted, and I fought tirelessly to create it. I left like I was witnessing the beginning, the time before anything existed, I watched how the first building blocks of life were formed from a single idea. My idea.

Then in some sort of astronomical heartbeat, it just exploded into this 5th dimension realm, with vibrant colours of purples, yellows, silvers, greens and blues, in a hippy themed theme park of craziness, where everything was connected. I say 5th Dimension because I was browsing on my phone the day after, typing DMT into Google images and literally shuddered like someone had walked over my grave when I come across an image that read the 5th Dimension, excitedly telling my other half, ‘I was here last night, I was here, this is the place!!!’

There was music playing but it was completely vibrational, and it was a part of me, I was connected to it, I was connected to what I was seeing, everything was connected to each other, it was complete unity. It felt quite heavenly but not in the traditional sense, there was no fluffy, white clouds, no angelic type beings, golden gates etc, I mean, I’m struggling to find another word other than Psychedelic! But that’s how it was… I had a sense that this was heaven or that I’ve returned home, that familiar vibe again, and felt a little comforted in comparison from the nightmare of solitude I had just come from.

I viewed in disbelief because nothing made sense, again I started to feel a little orgasmic – What can I say, it’s an Italian thing! And again, it all become too overwhelming, the intense, powerful feeling of utter love, peace and completeness in this place was just too much, I remember kind of slumping down in excessiveness, feeling guilty for accepting the over excesses of goodness, I felt gluttonous and greedy, too much of a good thing.

Reverting to type I tried to apply a sense of logic to the illogical, I thought I’d gone insane, this was a one-way ticket to Crazytown, surely I couldn’t come back from this – This was a carnival of sheer madness. I vaguely remember smiles in this realm and a friendliness, the feeling was a mixture of ‘familiarity, a sense of returning home’ and ‘a WTF is this mayhem, jaw dropping disbelief’ both in equal measure! I mean, it’s a complete contradiction but hey, you start counting your seconds in Mississippi’s when smoking DMT and making sense ain’t going to be too high on your agenda, right! I went from absolute nothingness to a completeness in a cosmic drop of a hat.

Looking back now I should have embraced this setting more, this place could have been beautiful, the most blissful experience I’ve ever known, however the previous experience was hard to shake off man, it rattled me to the core, it completely crushed me, I didn’t trust anything, I didn’t think I was coming back, I just wanted everything to be over, I wanted my perfect little life back.

I somehow managed to open my eyes and started to become a little more grounded, the others in the room were laughing, I become very aware of the laughter in the hippy themed theme park from above, coming back round I suddenly felt extremely self-conscious as all eyes in the room were on me. I wasn’t out of the woods yet though, there was this earthly, orange like, sandy, desert filter overlaid over everything. I also was very aware that I wasn’t in the same place as when I started, physically speaking… It all resembled the trippy scene in the Tepee with the American Indian in Natural Born Killers or some kind of Rob Zombie video.

I felt as though I was able to peel back the masks of those around me, like I could tap into their soul, and see people’s true self. The woman opposite me had this Amazonian, warrior princess vibe about her, strong, unshakeable, ready for war, I mumbled ‘I can still see visuals’, to her, she replied so nonchalantly ‘You will for a bit’, her calmness brought a sense of perspective to everything and was reassuring.

Next to her was a guy, you could see the concern for me in his eyes, it unnerved me, but he was filled with warmth and it was genuine. I remember saying ‘That was intense’, as he nodded in agreement. Intense? fucking understatement of this dimension!

Another looked quite sinister, her face distorted and was quite demon-like, she was the more animated within the group from the off, her laugh was more a cackle or a screech, it cut right through me, I was still so vulnerable in this state and so mentally fragile, I looked for yet more reassurance so turned to my other half sat right next to me, her ever present beaming smile looked forced, I couldn’t make out whether she was concerned or embarrassed. By this point I figured I’d give myself 50/50 on whether or not I’d be single come the end of the night. There were no visuals when looking at her however, for that I was grateful, she was my anchor back to reality, she really helped ground me.

There were serpent type figures, slithering around, not detailed enough be actual snakes, just more of a serpent feel, the movement… I mean, the whole creation story, the tree of knowledge, the serpent tempting Eve, there’s a vibe that’s eerily similar, there’s got to be a link somewhere between Bible stories and the psychedelic realm.

As the effects started to wear off it become apparent that I just didn’t lie there, motionless and go deep within myself, all I could hear from the group was ‘Surrender, Surrender’, ‘Oh shit, I said that out loud???’ I said sheepishly, cue the hysterics…

Apparently, I got up on all fours, before falling to one side, I don’t remember this in the slightest but figured as I was thrashing around in the vortex of crazy it must have been during here, I decided to perform downward facing dog!

The relief of coming back washed over me immensely, I had died, my mind had cracked but much worst than that I was lost, lost forever in an empty vacuum of meaningless, the outlook was so bleak. The initial lesson wasn’t too hard to decipher, Gratitude! I was so grateful in that moment, even though I still hadn’t completely oriented myself and fully found my bearings, the fact I was coherent, surrounded by others was enough for me at that point… Gratitude! That was the lesson here, hearing it loud and clear, I had been truly humbled.

I had this overwhelming urge to latch on to my girlfriend, squeeze so hard and never let go, I was a scared, little boy in that moment, reminiscent of a six-year-old playing in the park, whose attention is solely on playing but who looks up frequently for reassurance that his Mum is always looking on until the moment she’s not there anymore and being frozen in fear. Man, did I want to latch on, but I didn’t, I played it cool.

There’s no getting away from it, I had a bad trip, it was obvious to the whole room. My other half told me the colour drained from my face, like I’d seen a ghost, when I come back round… Jheeze, if only. The guy leading proceedings urged me to dive in again, even if it was just light, he was adamant! He really advised against leaving tonight’s proceedings on a negative experience. My mind was broken, I needed time to piece it back together, to figure out what the fuck just happened, but I felt an increasing pressure to be a good sport about things too, the idea of sitting out to deconstruct and make sense of the unexplainable before I jumped back in at the deepend and skydived back into madness proved to be hopeless and before I knew it that fucking bong appeared right before my eyes again.

Again, I watched patterns forming, but they were much more triangular, almost pyramid like than before, there was a heavy Egyptian feel to this trip, a red, orange, earthy filter consumed everything and again this familiar, homely, tribal impression overwhelmed my senses as I shook with vibration. I just couldn’t shake off the feel of death, it just lingered with every trip, like I’d died and become reborn an endless number of times before, it’s very much like ‘Oh death, we meet again, I’ve been expecting you’.

I did gain further insight during this trip, as with the previous two trips everything felt euphoric initially until I started to feel like I’d lost control, questioning what was happening, that’s when the panic would set in and influence the trip, magnifying my emotions, I could see the negativity, it was me manifesting it, sabotaging my own experience trying to wrestling control back like some dual to the death against a cosmic Anaconda that I’d never win! Granted it’s not quite suffering the insights of witnessing the first building blocks as life unfold right before your eyes, but there was still a valuable lesson here… Let Go!

Just before the night drawn to a close, the group reduced to just four, the setting was much calmer and more tranquil, there was less apprehension, there was peace, you could feel it. My girlfriend took two huge hits. I watched over her, holding her hand, stroking her arm, a little concerned having just been to hell and back myself, I really didn’t want that for her. I noticed a little while before that she had a white feather on her. Of course, there would be a logical explanation for this, but I held on to the romantic idea that someone or something was watching over her and clung on to the feeling she’d be alright.

Her face would contort, grimace or almost like scowl on occasion, looking as though she was struggling to take in the finer details of whatever she was viewing before breaking out in wonder and amazement in sporadic whispers of ‘Oh My God’, she looked so peaceful and relaxed. She opened her eyes and returned with stories of being in an intergalactic viewing tower, somewhere deep in a heavenly hyperspace setting, with a bright, almost God-like light shining down on her, feeling the presence of something profound right beside her but not quite being able to catch a glimpse of it.

I was so happy for her, I really didn’t want her to experience anything like what I did, especially as all this DMT dive was very much driven by me, with my obsessive, overenthusiasm to unwrap the meaning of everything. I sensed her apprehension straight off the bat, so was more than relieved when she returned radiating positivity and speaking of profound insights and enlightenment and was a little envious too. ‘Fucking Hell’ I thought, ‘I knew I should have gone with the ‘Spiritual Enlightenment’ intention’ as I rolled my eyes. It’s like ordering takeaway and when the food comes, you’re unhappy with what you’ve ordered, your eyes peer over to see what the other person had and are consumed in utter disappointment as you’d wished you’d ordered that instead… Multiplied on a cosmic level of course!

Now, after reflection, I wouldn’t have swapped my experience for the world though. It was MY experience, solely for me and as the hours and days tick by the realisation hit me that this was just what I needed!

Is it too early to use words like profound and life changing to describe my experience? I don’t know, it certainly feels like it was but maybe the dust needs to settle a little first. I’ve had counselling several times and found the real work starts in the days, the weeks and the months following the sessions, exploring the links and the triggers for yourself, that’s when things come together and make sense, I think this will be entirely the same… Or maybe it will fade away into insignificance like some sort of vivid dream you wake up from, sweating, breathing heavy, stubbornly refusing to accept it wasn’t real initially, but simply melts away into nothingness over the course of time…

I’ve frequently found myself lost in my own thoughts since, having these momentary glimpses of the other side and shudder and recoil at the horrors that I experienced but then I get this warm, sincere feeling that I met up with an old friend, who didn’t sugar-coat anything for me, who laid me bare and gave me some harsh truths, it’s weird because I feel extremely privileged and indebted to the experience despite its harrowing nature. I don’t expect anyone to understand, how can I? I still don’t understand myself yet!

The day after, just minding my own business, this image of an older, proud woman just popped into my head, I became a little emotional and got this overwhelming feeling to call my Mum, just to check in, to make sure she was Ok. The love I’m feeling right now for my family and my friends is so strong! The bond I have for my partner since, from my perspective at least, has hit dizzying heights, something I never thought I was capable of after spending a lifetime of putting up barriers. I disagree that this is for anyone though, it should not be taken lightly, it should be respected and treated with caution. I just don’t know how delving into the madness you can ever come back the same person, for some ignorance maybe bliss, and I totally respect that without judgement. If you’re reading this then you’ve no doubt read countless other posts regarding first-hand accounts of DMT, Ayahuasca etc, so assume you’re familiar with the whole ‘It gives you want you need, not necessarily want you want’ feel… Well, DMT gave me a real good ass kicking, and it really wasn’t what I wanted, but it sure feels like it’s what I needed!

Be good to one another, it’ll pay dividend in the next life!

Exp Year: 2021	ExpID: 115579
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 37
Published: Sep 21, 2021	Views: 985
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DMT (18) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Entities / Beings (37), Bad Trips (6), First Times (2)