DOSE:	20 g	oral	Syrian Rue	(tea)
	1 capsl	oral	DMT
		vaporized	DMT
	1 tablet	oral	Pharms - Quetiapine
	1	oral	Benzodiazepines

BODY WEIGHT:

85 kg

There I was. 18 years of age. Expectations were high, I was about to write my A-levels in a few months and was supposed to be studying hard but instead I was sitting in my room, in my parents house, totally frustrated. The Corona Virus had absolutely demolished any hope of normal studying, teachers didn't adjust well or at all to the Virus so I was on my own.

I spent the past few weeks getting more and more sucked into my internet addiction and simutaniously getting more and more depressed. Suicidality and Nihilism and been themes in my life for a few years now but I always managed somehow, by writing poems or distracting myself with the internet and video-games. Over the past year my favourite distraction had become substances, as I had come to develop a serious drug habit.

While school was still going on the week was dedicated to new substances to try out during raves on the weekends or acquiring information about them. I had a huge interest in psychedelics and made sure to try all the ones I could find. There was one rule though: No drugs during the week.

As week and weekend stopped being graspable concepts with the start of the pandemic, that rule lost its meaning. I started smoking weed all the time and smoking DMT in my parents basement at night, whenever the world got too much for me and I needed some time alone with the universe.

On this spring day I felt particularly hopeless. Just a few weeks before I had talked to a psychiatrist about my suicidality and he'd said I would manage, whatever that meant. My parents and brother were, as always, not being very empathetic or helpful with my situation, telling me to "just study" when I couldn't even focus for 10 minutes and spent nights laying awake, wondering what was wrong with me.

I had ordered some Syrian Rue seeds, containing the Monoamine-Oxidase-Inhibitors Harmin and Harmaline, similiar ones found to the ones in the Ayahuasca vine. Although I wanted to extract and isolate the substances my enormous curiosity got the better of me and I decided to do a crude extraction of all Alkaloids by brewing a "tea" with a lot of citric acid. I didn't eat much despite some bread with butter because I was scared of the MAOi messing with my digestion.

I was spaced out but comfortably so. Laying in a hammock in that state I decided I would do some DMT orally, since the MAOi would enable me to do so, just a small dose to see if it would work. If it didn't, I had decided, I would go jump from a cliff since there would be no experience worth experiencing for me on this earth anymore. I took a little bit and although things got kinda strange I just felt a little tired, so I decided to do a "moderate" dose but also take more of the Harmala brew. Keep in mind all my family members were home.

I locked the door to my room, put down the blinds and drank the disgustingly bitter brew with a capsule of DMT. I was feeling sure of myself, since I had smoked the stuff numerous times I didn't think it would be hard to handle. After being able to still get up and go to the bathroom I was feeling so sure of myself I decided to smoke a little on top of the stuff I had taken. This jumpstarted my trip.

After what must have been only half an hour I realized I was on an accelerating train and there was no way to hold it, I had already surpassed the highest I had ever been.

My attention was darting around the room and I realized that things are only really real to me while I experience them. This reminded me of the "moments of consciousness" model I had read about in a meditation guide called The Mind Illuminated by Culadsa, a book someone online had recommended to me on a pick-up artistry forum of all places. I had barely started reading and then abandoned it but in this moment I thought to myself I should really start meditating since I felt the model describe a kind of higher truth. I did start focusing on my breath and everything became much more intense.

I didn't get much time to marvel at the complexity of my attention since I was completely overwhelmed by the classical music I had playing on my phone besides me. To the tune of Górecki's Symphony Nr. 3 Op. 36 I experienced what I would describe as the Dichotomy of humanity, good and evil. I saw visions of war and was crying at the brutality and callousness, seeing the powers involved as devils, then I saw visions of people helping the injured, the sick, the poor and saw those as angels. This went on for the a while until I looked at myself and had difficulty integrating what I had just experienced in my self image. I started making choking sounds as I felt the two poles trying to combine in myself but being unable to do so.

Suddenly I realized I was only a very small being compared to these primordial forces and that it doesn't really matter if I lived or died. This lead me to the conclusion that death would be preferable to life, since it wouldn't involve suffering and since I didn't really matter anyways, nobody should care, not even me.

I was attempting to hold my breath long enough that I would pass away, thinking in this expanded state of mind, if I was really meant to die now, and I was completely fine with that, I should be able to will myself to death. I of course, and luckily so, wasn't able to pull it off. Instead with every flush of oxygen my system received after minutes of breath holding, my perception got incredibly vivid, visuals were popping up out of nowhere and the trip seemed to accelerate even more.

Suddenly I stood on top of my stairs in my childhood home, seeing my father go away to travel for work, like he would most of the time, questioning what would change if he wouldn't come back. The vision was crystal clear and I felt the immense frustration coming along with it. I had no relationship to my father.

I then tried to distract myself from the unpleasent sensations with tuning in into arousal, something my pornography addiction had taught me to do. I felt as I was about to have an orgasm but instead I started peeing in my bed, it did feel incredibly close to one though and it felt incredibly freeing, not just in a physical sense but mentally it felt like just doing what felt best, acting like a child after the pleasure-principle. It was (in a perverted way) very fun. The following cold didn't feel fun though so I took a dry blanket and laid down on the floor. The freedom I experienced was so great that I was just rolling around on the floor and enjoying it very thoroughly. The reflecting surface of the laminate felt like it was a galaxy and I was flying around in it.

Then, while looking at some things from my childhood that fell down from the cupboard next to me, it hit me. The "instantenous life review". From my earliest memory life started flashing by me. I was being shown how one experience conditioned me to behave a certain way in another experience, all the way up to the current moment. It felt like I was just a ball rolling through life, picking up pieces that caused me to roll in another direction and pick up more pieces. I had the feeling this wasn't the first time I was experiencing this. Since time had apparently no meaning in that space it felt like I was experiencing it "once again", like this was a crossroads that every iteration of my life inevitably leads up to. It felt like the credits of a movie I was watching on repeat. I accepted death, thinking it doesn't matter, since I will arrive in that space/moment in a while again anyways.

The light hit me. It filled out every physical sense I had, it felt like God. It felt like it absorbed every thought I would throw in it's direction. Not like it would blast them out of existence but instead hug them and say "you're home". Letting them vanish on their own. It was perfection, complete peace, something I would now call liberation from suffering. It felt like I had been underwater all this time and now I was finally granted a chance to come up to the surface and breath some fresh, crisp air, enjoy the sun and "just be".

Then it all turned bad. My parents, alarmed by the weird noises coming from my room were knocking on my door and asking what I was doing. The loud noises ripped me out of paradise and the ego fought all it could to reastablish itself but I wasn't yet capable of language. Unable to answer my parents they debated what to do and mentioned the police multiple times, and were getting louder and angrier. I flipped into a psychotic state, thinking I could just wish away my parents. I had thought I just died, was finally free from the chains of causality and suddenly there are these very real consequences to my actions knocking at my door.

My brother rescued me, luckily talking my parents out of calling an ambulance. My father broke the lock and they let my brother into the room. Standing over me. My brother found out what and how much I took and they went outside to discuss. I felt completely helpless, at the mercy at my parents, who hadn't the slightest clue about substances. I could hear and understand every word in ultra high definition but I wasn't able to speak.

Finally my brother took matters into his own hands and made me swallow some seroquel. As an avid explorer himself he had encountered psychosis after a week long amphetamine binge and gotten prescribed the anti-psychotic medication. He also knew I had Benzodiazepines in my room so he searched everywhere until he found them, revealing all my hidden drugs to my parents. The bitterness of the benzodiazepine made me throw up.

My parents came, flipped my mattress, put dry sheets on my bed, cleaned up the puke and - left. The "dangerous" situation was over and so all my family members left me alone. I felt very guilty and tried to talk to them in my suddenly very stable mind-state but they just wanted me to sleep. I had learned some important lessons.

[Reported Dose: "-50mg DMT-Fumarate approx20g Perganum Harmala Seeds -200mg DMT-fumarate -50mg DMT vaped"]

Exp Year: 2020	ExpID: 115854
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 18
Published: Nov 30, 2021	Views: 687
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DMT (18), Syrian Rue (45), Huasca Combo (269) : Alone (16), Depression (15), Difficult Experiences (5), Combinations (3)