DOSE:			Phyllomedusa bicolor
		insufflated	Tobacco
	repeated	oral	Ayahuasca

BODY WEIGHT:

150 lb

My flight from L.A. to Lima was sooooo long! Eight hours with my mask AND face shield left me unrested and annoyed beyond belief! I arrived in Lima and had to wait in the airport for hours before my 4o’clock flight to Tarapoto. During the flight I could look down and see mighty rivers and the rainforest below. The airport is so tiny in Tarapoto! Fernando and his driver picked me up around 6:30pm and we drove through town to a restaurant where everyone else was gathered. We had a delicious buffet and then headed to the Center, through town and down a long, bumpy road. My little hut is almost to the top of a steep hill and is coincidentally called Margarita #15. Whew what a hike...was not expecting that! The hut is primal and made me cringe a bit. Thank God there’s a toilet & sink. The bugs are insane here! Thank God for the mosquito net. They also left a solar panel with a lantern and usb port to charge the phone. Yay!

Day 1
Fernando came back in the morning after the staff produced a delicious breakfast. No coffee or sugar here. Salt but no pepper. I guess I can handle this. Not a good night's rest again unfortunately. There’s this cicada that makes the loudest EEEEEEEEk noise and there was definitely something rustling around outside of my hut. Oh, and the rooster couldn’t wait until the actual dawn!? FML what did I sign up for?

Around 10am we walked to the maloka (the sacred space). Each person had a cushion set up for them, with a pretty blanket, a small bucket and a little fold of toilet paper. Today we are going to do Kambo. I only read that it is frog venom so I had no idea what to expect. After some prayers, Fernando lit a small candle and then took what looked to be a special kind of stick and burnt the end of it. Frank was first. Fernando lightly scraped three little marks in a line on his shoulder using the ember on the end of the stick. On another, flatter stick, were a row of perfectly portioned, little globs of the venom. He carefully placed one glob on each wound. We had to keep them there. Everyone participated except for one person.

Within minutes Frank and Niko were violently ill into their buckets. Niko missed a little and it was all over the floor! Heather and Jordan didn’t purge at all even after Fernando gave them more venom! For me, the venom stung my wounds but the warmth started in my solar plexus and radiated out to my chest and stomach then my limbs and I began to sweat so bad, it was pouring off me! My whole body buzzed like a tuning fork. I was afraid to purge. I hate throwing up! Just then, a soothing inner dialog said to me, “You’ve been through enough already, so I’ll make this easy on you but it needs to come out. Just lean forward and it will come out.” So I sat up, leaned between my knees and opened my mouth over the bucket. The water and yellow bile filled up the bucket without me even trying. It poured out of me like a pitcher. The buzzing continued for a bit but then I felt completely calm and satisfied. Fernando then came around to all of us and gently wiped the now blackened bits of venom. He then sang songs for us while drumming. His voice is beautiful! Afterwards, I felt like a million bucks! He called this our immunization.

We spent the rest of the day hanging out and learning about the others. Nella gave me an oracle card. I pulled the Ceremony-Invocation card. The explanation is that I need to “be right with my spirit in order to reach the Source”. Whatever that means…

Day 2
For Frank’s birthday, I started out the celebration by giving him the gifts I brought. While in the airport, I did a portrait of him, brought some Apache Tears obsidian that I dug up last month in Arizona and a field guide to Southwest Native American art. Everyone gave their gifts afterwards, I told him I’m spending my time here as a gift to myself for once. My 40th birthday was two months ago. We talked a bit today about our intentions for us all being there. Everyone has their own reasons. Some to just be closer to Aya because they’ve been here before, some to find answers, and some for healing like me. I hate my life. I lost my kids in a custody battle with their father and they were alienated from me. I wore that stigma for ten years now. Several years ago, my husband killed himself and just last month my father died of Covid. I needed a sabbatical, suicide or was going to work myself to death. So I chose sabbatical. Jordan opened up that she’s a psychic and told me my father has passed but he’s just as upset at how he passed as we are. He asked that we all start getting along for once meaning my siblings and Mom. I was shocked! I cried for hours after that. I miss him so much.

I’m not a huge fan of the sauna so I wasn’t sure I would enjoy Temascal today. The shaman, Anton, came with an assistant and covered this small rounded bamboo-like structure with large cloths. The campfire was going all day in front of it. Frank was interpreting Anton but I was barely paying attention because of all the other distractions: the river, ants, mosquitos, everyone in their bathing suits, jewelry off, glasses too, and shoes, gotta walk in a clockwise circle….We had to say, ‘Permission to enter for all of my relationships” as we knelt down to enter, The Womb.

The hot rocks from the fire were named Grandmother and were brought in on a rake by the assistant. The two girls, Annie & Maria, who are at the center for their dietas, weren’t allowed in but had to use leaves to scrape the coals off the hot rocks as they were going inside the tent where Anton grabbed them with deer antlers and placed them in a hole in the ground inside. He added some nice smelling leaves, said some prayers and added the water. The smoke/steam was so much it burned my eyes and nose. Those five minutes felt like forever. As soon as the flap was opened, I yelled out, “Permission to leave!” and bolted out the door. Fernando tried to stop me but I jumped out anyway. The girls were waiting and kept reminding me to walk the correct way inside the circle and not to walk in with my sandals. But my racing mind completely forgot and I did it anyway. I stood outside listening to the chant and songs and wanted to really be in there with them. When the last flap opening happened, I raced over to be let back in and ripped my glasses and sandals off at the last minute. I sat the last 15 minutes inside there burning up but also feeling really bad because I felt like I had messed up the ceremony. The oracle card means something to me now. Do I always act like this? What a fool!

When the ceremony was over, Anton threw water in our faces and we laughed and raced down to the river. The rest of the day was blissful except for thoughts about my father. His memorial is next month. I’ll have to talk to all of my siblings then.

Day 3 My First Ayahuasca Ceremony
The whole day I sat and painted in the maloka with my new friends. The Center staff cleaned up but I had already swept up earlier. Just thought I’d help out. An hour before the ceremony, people started putting an alter out. They said I needed to set intentions before going into this, so I ran to my hut to see what I had. I chose the river rocks I found earlier so I can be more like the river, my muscle calming lotion I use on my shoulder and apache tears to invoke healing, my compass for direction, and guitar strings to help me be a better musician. Frank’s stickers to be a better artist and I was writing this Jordan gave me a piece of tourmaline to protect me from dark energy. I am ready AYA!
When Master Fernando sat down, he started up a pipe that had a face carved on it and blew the smoke into the bottles of ayahuasca. The spirit of the tobacco is said to be cleansing. He introduced the event: “Today we drink ayahuasca, Mother Aya, Aya is everything and so are you. You may purge, you may dance, you may see hallucinations. You should stay quiet to hear and understand her message and for others to process their own experience”.

Each person got up from their cushion and knelt in front of Fernando to receive their cup full.There was a thunder in the distance and when the rain started the coolness felt amazing. I began to feel peaceful and elated. I danced to Fernando’s songs. I haven’t danced in so long and it felt great! Nella started painting, Frank and Niko purged, Jordan looked like she was asleep. I had the opportunity to try rapeh. Fernando blew it up my left nostril and it was so vulgar all I could do was jump away and go back to my cushion. Cassia ran to me and whispered, “The tradition is to do both nostrils for equilibrium”. My eyes were running and throat burned but I went up to Fernando again. I looked deep in his eyes and he did the right nostril. I thanked him and tried to contain my flaming insides as this stuff burned inside my brain. After a bit I was feeling great again and danced on my tippy toes. It got dark and soon Fernando’s music had slowed down to him just whistling. Some people got back up to ask for more aya, so I went too. I had no visuals and was kind of getting bored. I laid down and a heaviness settled in. I closed my eyes tight, waiting for visuals but nothing, only blurbs of soft colors and then they went away, covered by what looked like hardened lava. The surface is all black but you can see the colors through the cracks. A calming sensation flowed through me and seemed to say, “Choose happy, this is not a crisis, your life is not a crisis”. Niko did a native american chant with his rattle that sounded great!

Fernando picked up the music again and we danced until the ceremony was over. The group gathered around the candle in the center of the maloka and Fernando shared these words, “Frank, you keep working your magic and bringing people together, Nella keep making your magical art that reaches the world, Jordan you keep healing the spirits both dead and living” But then he looked at me and said, “You have the most powerful energy among us. You must learn to harness your thoughts and actions, be patient and when you are able to do this, you will be a powerful instrument in helping others because your light shines so bright. You will do good things when you get right with your spirit.” This shook me. He didn’t know about the oracle card. He and Cassia left the guitar behind and said goodnight. I played two songs. Jordan sang hers as well. It was surreal when every belted out “What’s up” with me! Others went to the kitchen afterwards and it was just Nella, Frank and I. That’s when Frank reiterated what Fernando had said. “You are such a shining star and it’s so cool to see your explosion of energy and chaotic thoughts and words become focused while you are playing and singing. Master is right, if you concentrate every moment of your life like when you sing your songs, you can be an amazing healer.” This made me cry but I said thank you to them for helping me to see that side of myself. We’ve all been crying a lot here these last few days. I didn’t have anything to say the rest of the night. I just quietly strummed the guitar while everyone chatted. I went to bed early. The rooster crows pretty early around here.

Day 4
Woke up early and swept the maloka and practiced quietly on the guitar while others came in and did their thing. Niko did Tai Chi, the girls painted and after a fantastic lunch (a whole fish) we were graced with a visit from a visionary artist and musician.

Day 5 Second Ayahuasca Ceremony
Yoga with Cassia this morning! I needed that release. We all just painted the whole day until the ceremony started at 4pm. I was so doubtful that anything was going to happen, just like last time, but boy was I wrong….

Everything was the same as last time. I waited an hour with just the feeling of happiness. I went up for another cup but as soon as I got back to my cushion, I threw it all up! “Damn, I wasted it!” Fernando sang a few songs and then I took a swig of water. Almost immediately, I threw up so hard, all of dinner came up. I started to feel super heavy and laid back onto the cushion. My eyes closed and I could barely whisper Fernando’s name when Heather started playing her drum. That’s when Aya started the show.

At first she showed me a chess board and set that was larger than life. I ask what does that have to do with anything and then Aya showed me her sacred geometry turning the board into a fly’s eye, then a sunflower, then a beehive, then a dragonfly wing. Pacha mama decided to rip my mind apart. The dragon wing gave way to a flower bud, which opened into a star succulent, then a worm’s mouth, then into another creature, after another, and another, and another. The metamorphosis pace was picking up speed and I believe it was during this time I started hyperventilating (as would be described by a bystander) because the visuals were coming so fast. The snakes twisted up and became a horn of a unicorn which reared up and jumped into the sea. It turned into a narwhal, then a swordfish, then a dolphin, and then a shark which grew legs and crawled onto the beach. Aya started to merge me into these creatures until the roller coaster ride stopped at the top of a tree where I opened my eyes and I was a tree frog.

I looked down to see I was green with orange feet. I’m afraid of heights so I held onto my branch as hard as I could and all I would do was bark like a little frog. Then she turned me into a large white bird, I looked at my wing with black tips on the feathers and I had a long black beak. Maybe an ibis? Cassia came to me at this moment. I felt her knee near my hand so I grabbed her. She told me afterward that she could feel Aya’s power radiating into her from my hand touching her. She whispered to me to breathe through my nose. I tried to cry out but the only sound I could make was that of a bird. Squawk! Cassia kept talking to me which was the only way to stay connected to this realm. Suddenly I was becoming nervous, afraid and angry and Aya transformed me into a horse. I was running as fast as I could in the desert. The moon was full and I could see the rock formations off in the distance as I sprinted towards them but never got any closer to them. My muscles were hot as blood rushed through me. I could feel my nostrils flaring and could see the steam coming off of my muscles. My hands in real life had clamped up from my panting and when I saw them they looked like hooves. Cassia (and what felt like everyone else’s hands) were massaging me and I stopped running when she pried my fingers apart, she was ripping my hooves off! I looked around and didn’t see any other horses, I was all alone in the desert. I knew this feeling. This is me everytime I get a bug up my ass about anything. I run away, or I rush into things when no one is ready or when I’m not ready, I run ahead instead of taking my time, kicking at people I love when I feel skittish. Doing all of that and never getting anywhere. I have been living my life like a wild horse. I’ve been running for so long….

Just then, Aya shot me into outer space and I was taken to Saturn’s rings. Inside were structures like MC Escher drew, but I saw them as actual structures (even though they cannot exist in this realm, right?) They were floating still and silently in the universe. Cassia reminded me to breathe again and then I was placed in front of an old jungle woman. She was short and said some words to me and climbed inside my chest. She became me. I touched my face and felt her wrinkled lips and eyes and the leathery skin. She began to speak through me, words that I didn’t understand. Songs, animal noises, demonic noises, all came out of my mouth without me having control. Master Fernando came over to ask me, “How are you? Can you hear me?” I said I can hear you but my voice came from behind him. To which he said, “I am you” and when I opened my eyes again, he was everywhere. He was standing over me, he was sitting at my feet, he was sitting by the candle and he was sitting on his cushion playing guitar and singing. His voice turned into multiple harmonies. I wish I could recreate this. His songs are so moving.

I asked for water and Cassia had to help me sit up. When my feet touched the floor, my toes became roots growing out that were tapping around on the tile beneath, searching for the dirt. The cushion felt like it was being crushed by my weight. I was getting heavier and needed to be on the floor. Cassia helped my slide onto the floor and then my whole body felt like roots growing out. If I had been in the dirt, I felt I would have taken root and became a huge tree. My body arched, strange noises kept coming from my mouth and I ripped my shirt off. I grabbed my water bottle and poured it over my head. I snapped back to reality a little bit and as I rubbed my head, the tiny water beads shot up into the sky and became the stars above us. I found myself, sitting in a puddle. Perhaps Niko’s bucket? I think I knocked it over at some point. I was bent over my knees rubbing my feet back to normal because the roots were still there and the word “Nee-yah” kept coming out of me like it was soothing me. I looked at Cassia and thought she looked like an angel in the dim candlelight. Just then, Frank slides in front of me, looks me right in the eye and prays over me.

“You are so good and pure light and love!”
“I KNOW!” I said.
“Honor yourself, forgive yourself and love yourself.”

I saw a tinge of sadness in his eyes and all I could say was, “You too...you too”. I reached up to touch his face and my hands were so tiny compared to his face which had gotten extremely large and wide, not to mention his huge dreads and beard.

Cassia asked if I wanted to go back to my hut but I knew I wouldn’t be able to walk back up that hill so soon. I felt like I weighed 500llbs. I sat for a bit just weeping, not understanding what just happened. Suddenly, Niko came into my vision and my chest lept forward and onto him. I hugged him so hard and he said its gonna be ok but I was like, “No, this is a message! I don’t know who she is, maybe a grandmother or an ancestor but she's still here with me if you want to hold her hand.” He did not. His trip was taking him someplace else. She eventually faded out of me.

The music was lively so Frank asked if I wanted to dance. He helped me up which took me a second to adjust to my legs. It felt good to move around though. When our fingertips separated there was a “yee haw” that cracked through the air coming from all sides of me and I just danced and sang until we all collapsed and hugged and shared with each other around the single candle light.

Day 6
Didn’t sleep a wink last night! My body aches so bad. The rain really bothered my shoulder pain. The dogs were barking all night and that damn rooster….My movements today are slow and calculated. My words are few and thoughts are less scattered. If anything, for the first time, my mind was empty. Breakfast was small but filled me. “I want to eat like this forever.” I said to the group. They all agreed.

When Fernando and Cassia showed up for the sharing group, we all gathered in the maloka. Everyone’s experience was so awesome. I think my catharsis may have bothered other people but when I explained that I literally had no control over my body, they seemed to understand. Apparently, this doesn’t happen for everyone. This was Frank’s 40th ceremony and he said he can’t remember the last time he went into catharsis. We all just chilled and painted all day.

Day 7
My mosquito net fell on me in the middle of the night. The rain kept most of the bugs at bay but damn, I need some decent sleep! The shower is just a trickle and I have to hold the hose up because it no longer hangs on the wall. When it rains the mud gets into my bathroom also. Here’s to the jungle life!

Day Trip! I could barely get on and off the bus or walk around because my legs and especially my right calf hurts so much today. I bought some souvenirs and really enjoyed the site. We ate lunch at a restaurant overlooking the valley and the mountains off in the distance were magical. The scene reminded me of the Mogollon Rim. Lunch was not good for me. Everything was too salty! I couldn’t handle it at all. The little piece of chocolate they gave us for Women’s day was even too sweet for me to enjoy. On the way home, we stopped to see Fernando and his band play at a vendor’s fair. I saw Anton again there and bought one of his paintings and a shirt. The local news channel was there and filmed us dancing and singing to Fernando’s songs! I bought a bag of cacao for [people working at the retreat center]. I love gifting to others. They always prepare our meals so nicely and started our laundry for us too.

Day 8 Daytime Ayahuasca Ceremony
We met at 8am in the maloka. The rain felt great outside. A bit cooler than usual so I wore pants and socks. My legs are still so sore, my right calf pinches every time I step. My right shoulder aches really bad too. The rain always seems to set arthritis in.

I felt the ayahuasca in my empty stomach and within ten minutes I barfed it up. Almost immediately I felt the heaviness set in so I laid back on my cushion and covered myself with the pretty blankets they have for us there. Aya started with lovely waves of color pulsing in and out. My heaviness got too great to be on the cushion again, so I slid onto the floor. I was careful not to make any noise or to knock anything over. I laid on my back and closed my eyes again. Aya started caressing my shoulder but from the inside, sending pulses of energy through each individual muscle and tendon all the way down to my fingertips. Then she would inch my arm up slowly like the hand of a clock and the massage would start again. This went on for what felt like an hour. When my arm was at Noon, Aya made me turn over. I was having feelings of Her talking soothingly saying, “Keep coming back because we have so much to work on, but you’re not broken. I can heal you, just keep coming back.”

When my arm was in the chicken wing position, the massage continued until she said, “I will show why you have to honor this pain. It is not just an annoyance.” Suddenly, I was in a village. It was under attack and I was an ancient man, wearing a loincloth. I was panicking and grabbed my two small children. Just as I did, another man with a spear stabbed me though my shoulder blade, pierced my lung and the end of the blade stuck into my spine. The kids were taken and I was left to die. It took me four days to die and I felt it all. The pain when I breathed, unable to move, my mind in delirium from the pain, exhaustion, eventually dehydrated.

I opened my eyes in this realm, still lying prone on the ground, my hand near my face which at this point in the trip looked like a man’s hand and blood sprayed out on the floor in front of my face. I felt true horror and when I tried to scream, nothing came out of me but my scream was carried into Nella, who was also tripping hard on the other side of the maloka and she screamed instead! I closed my eyes tight and wished Aya to take this all away. She then put me into the body of a Union Soldier at Gettysburg. I was a God fearing man, fighting against the South, against slavery. Fighting for a change and something I truly believed in. I was in a pit, loading my musket with determination, ready for battle when a Confederate soldier snuck up behind me and shot me in the back! The bullet ricocheted inside of my shoulder shattering it and it came out at the socket. I fell forward and he shot me again in my calf. The one that was really injured! It makes sense for me now because whenever I do any hard workouts or hikes, my right calf always gives me problems. I even had a charlie horse last night.

I laid in the ditch pretending to be dead until I knew I was alone again and then tried to get up. I cried in pain like a man, my voice had actually deepened! My tears flowed as I tried to get up. I made it to my cushion and survival mode set in. I grabbed my sweater and tied it into a sling using my teeth and my left hand. My right hand and arm were truly paralyzed at this time. I had to do something to get out of this situation, get my mind right. I looked down at my man arm and then up at Fernando. He was doing rapeh so I scooted over to him on my butt, using my left arm to pull me. He gave it to me without me even flinching this time! I dragged myself back over to my cushion, laid on my left side and wept because then Aya let all of those men’s shame flow into me. The ancient man was praying to Her every day and night, “How could you forsake me, Aya?” He was ashamed that he couldn’t save his family and his village. The soldier healed and went back to racist, Civil War era, Baltimore. He couldn’t make love to his wife and she was afraid to be with him after they stoned the house and tried to set it on fire. He was disabled in a sling with a cane and was always in pain. On the streets, people would spit on him or trip him and call him, “Nigger lover!’ and traitor. He died so sad and alone.

I had come back to this reality but my sadness was overwhelming. Everyone else was dancing and Cassia was singing beautifully. Niko came and put his hand on my shoulder and dusted me with his eagle feathers, Harmony came and did reiki which I truly felt, and then Jordan came to me with her healing sound bowls. She knew exactly where to put them and the sound flowed through me. I got up to ask for another rapeh. I looked down at my arm and hand and it was discolored and larger than my other hand. Like a man’s hand still. It was so hard to shake this feeling! So unsettling. Frank looked at me and said, “You’re a bad-ass warrior!” to which I replied “Twice over!” but he didn’t know what I was referring to. Did he?

Fernando and Cassia left at the end of the ceremony and I went to the kitchen to wait for lunch. I tried to write but my emotions were too great. The massage therapist came today and I was first. It was very relaxing but sadly, my arm ached for the rest of the day as I limped around because of my sore leg. That night after I tried to shower, we all laid in the maloka while the others got their massages. Finn, Frank, Nella & I all painted while Niko gave Jordan a tattoo and Heather napped. I went to bed right after dinner. I barely talked to anyone that night. I’m looking forward to my fourth ceremony. I have zero expectations of what Aya wants me to know or will teach me. I just hope it’s a prettier trip next time. Please, Aya, bless me with your beauty and compassion. This life has been insufferable enough for me. I need your hope & insight to keep moving forward.

Day 9
I’m not losing my mind am I? Was I really those two men in a past life? Is there even such a thing? I mean, those men could have very well existed at some point. It's not so far-fetched of an idea for my mind to make up something like that. In the morning, I moved out to the hammock on my hut porch. I watched the hens and chicks forage under Niko’s hut. I had the strangest dream last night about him. He had asked me yesterday to come do peyote with him in April. I said no but in my dream, I agreed to go. In dreamland, the night before the peyote ceremony, we got a hotel and ended up making love! I woke up surprised and amazed because even though it wasn’t a wet dream (I actually don’t have any romantic feelings here at all), I felt completely in touch with my feminine side at that moment. After stomping the whole day through the forest in my boots and cargo pants like a man after the manly trip I had, took rapeh like a man, cried like a man, I felt beautiful! I put on a dress, earrings and my flip flops. My steps were more graceful the whole day….it was a transformation!

I’ve been thinking about some of the negative people in my life and how I need to cut them out. Then I recall all the times that perhaps my story was too negative for them and they cut me out. The Aaron Neville song came on Frank’s radio yesterday, “Everybody plays the fool” and as silly as it seems, the words actually resonated with me.

Day 10
My body is feeling better and I slept well. Sharing circle was in the morning. Nobody’s story makes sense to me anymore. My visions come to me like I’m living in a movie. Everything has a meaning and I’m seeing my life through it. Everyone else’s trips are just colors and beings like giant insects or galactic gnomes. I don’t get it! Will people back home think my experience is just a bunch of gibberish?

Waterfall trip! Ahuashiyacu Falls is just outside Tarapoto. I found a huge bug that I picked up and brought to the group. Out came the cell phones! Ugh. I sat at the base of the waterfall looking at stones until it was time to leave. Outside the entrance, there was a black, hairy primate of some sort. It was noshing on a banana and checking us all out. We stopped at a produce stand to get fresh coconut and this stuff called ice cream bean! It was so delicious!

Day 11 Final Ayahuasca Ceremony
This morning was great! Woke up to the rooster and long winded cicadas. THe dampness and lack of hot showers has left an ickiness on me but honestly my skin has never been better! The bug bites are getting worse but the other girls have it way worse than me. I tell them it’s all the essential oils they are putting on themselves. It goes rancid and actually attracts more bugs! But, these hippy dippy types don’t listen to this progressive, shaved head, nerd, mom. Oh well...all I got to hear about this morning was about how everyone is making their plans to travel together to Cuzco and then Machu Picchu. I can’t go so I’m just a tad jealous. To be honest, the only people I’d really love to go with are Josie and Liam. I miss them!

The coca leaves reader came today. Her name is Dolores and she read for me first. She said I needed to seek approval from my mother to help fix my AC unit. At first she will say No but her heart will soften and she will agree. She also told me that my first born was a daughter (correct) and that the problems that have come down the line from all the women on my mom’s side of the family will end with Josie. I asked about my dad. I told her that he had just passed and she said he is almost out of the circle but he is waiting for something like a reunion to have peace in his heart before he goes. He is healed and in the light. Just like Jordan said! Both ladies said there is no hell. The Shipibo ladies came with their goods. I bought a bag, pants, necklace, bracelet and a hotplate. One of the girls had on a shirt that said, “You’re too pretty to settle for little dick.” We all laughed at that one!

Another artist came today. I think his art is the most elaborate of all of them I’ve seen so far. Then Fernando and Cassia arrived for the final ceremony of this trip. He started me out with a quarter full cup. I was disappointed but understood that maybe he didn’t want to have to babysit me tonight. I started feeling light and lively. Happiness sets in and all you want to do is dance! After a while, I asked for another cup and he gave me even less. I even licked out the cup with my tongue LOL. Still nothing! Fernando began the songs and we all danced. “Bo bo pido pido pido, bo bo pido pido pido, bo bo pido piii doooooooo!” Then Niko started his chant and this time he went for a long time. It had gotten dark out so I laid down and went into Aya state. Watching the swirls of color, I asked all these questions in my head like an overexcited child. “Are we gonna blast off now? Will you show me colors and your sacred geometry again? Where are the other entities?” She stopped me with a sudden, “Why do you need to know these things? ASK BETTER QUESTIONS!”

I pondered this for a while. With all of my sincerity and desperation I had in me I ask,
“What do you expect me to do back home after you have given me all of this to experience?”
So she showed me walking down a sidewalk. I walked up to the doors and looked up. The sign read, Pacha Mama Visionary Gallery and Cafe. There were two bistro tables out front with people dining. I could see inside at the workers through one window and a trio was playing music in the other window. I opened the door and looked down. The floor was painted like a river bottom. The tables were full of customers with more in line. Everyone was vibing to the shamanic music band (Niko’s little rattle pierced through into the vision--he was still chanting) and the workers all looked up at me as if to say, “Hi boss! Welcome back!” I looked at the walls and they were filled with the paintings that I was surrounded by these past two weeks. All of my friends' art was there! There were cacao drinks, coffee and peruvian chocolates for sale and we made little sandwiches, salads and soups for food. There was also a pastry case with small desserts. I walked all around and it felt like home. Felt so real and so right! This was something I could be proud of that couldn’t be taken away like everything and everyone else in my life. I finally see a future for me. No more trauma, no more suffering. Not without its frustrations but they don’t have to mean that my life is in crisis. It doesn’t hinder this new way of life I have adapted. No more running aimlessly through the desert like a wild horse!

When Niko stopped his chant the vision went away. Fernando sang lively and we all danced and rejoiced! As everyone was winding down, he asked Jordan to sing a song. She sang lyrics like, “Going home to heaven”, then I blurted out that I wanted to sing. I didn’t think I was ready but I sang the best version of “Not broken anymore” by Justin Furstenfeld. I heard Frank say, “Wow!” afterwards. That meant a lot. He said the words were profound but perfect.

Afterwards, when Fernando and Cassia left, everyone was winding down. Pairing off to have deep conversations like we do. Heather and I sang in harmony and the goosebumps were unreal, we sounded so good together! I told Finn about my vision and he said Aya showed him his future too. To do visionary animations of our trips. Nella started painting so I joined her and drew the cafe store front. It was a magical night. I love everyone here so much! I truly never want this to end.

Day 12
After another wonderfully simple breakfast, we gathered in the maloka for sharing time. I showed the vision of my cafe storefront after telling my trip. Then, because I never really save my artwork, all of the miniature watercolors that I was working on this whole time, were custom made for each one of these beautiful souls. I handed them out and hugged each person tightly and said I love you. What better way to show my appreciation for their time and compassion that they’ve all shown me? Finn’s sharing was the most meaningful. He said this was the happiest two weeks of his life and I seriously felt that.

Fernando started the end of ceremony tradition. He placed a dreadlock from Frank in a circle on a piece of wrapping paper. The beginning meets the end. Then he passed around bowls of grains and seeds that all served a purpose and we grabbed handfuls of each, said a prayer over them for the others and for ourselves and then placed them in the ring. Coca leaves, flowers, honey, confetti, and finally ayahuasca on top! Then Heather and I, in sync, were able to tie the bows to wrap the whole package up with just my right hand and her left hand! We are all so in tune and connected. After some prayers, we headed out to the bonfire. The staff was also running the temascal. After watching the package burn and listening to Fernando’s speech on how to love this new life we are about to be born into, we all headed over to the womb again. Anton blessed us with the lovely smelling copal which is a tree resin. I entered the sacred space slowly and with all of sincerity, I asked to enter for all of my relations. I sat through the whole thing, sang the songs and even gave my words.

“We came here seeking answers to questions, light for our darkness and for the love that we lack. We have endured so much but we can rejoice in saying that we may be bruised but we are not broken!”

Down at the river, the staff prepared the plant bath in a giant pot. It smelled nice! Frank reached in and pulled a pitcher out and poured the whole thing over our arms and legs and then head. Each person went up for their blessing. For me, Frank said, “Most transformed! You are a warrior, a bad ass, but you ended up being the most kind and generous of us all, I wish you all the blessings, blessings, BLESSINGS!” I was so humbled and happy at that moment! Afterwards, we walked down to the baby waterfall and washed the bits of leaves and flowers off of us.

Had to get our covid tests done today, so we went into town. On the way back, we stopped and got gelato! It was amazing! I napped in the maloka after lunch. Above my cushion was a gigantic locust and then that night I found a giant slug on my deck. It was as big as my foot! At dinner we all joked and laughed. They are all leaving tomorrow except Finn and me.

Day 13
Niko gave Heather the most lovely hummingbird tattoo! I love it and want to use it as the cafe logo. He said he’d do my tattoo. Harmony and Finn decided to interview everyone for a documentary they are making! How exciting. We all went to Fernando and Cassia’s house for dinner. They served some liquor and man it did not set right with me. My skin was on fire and I was having major head rushes. Cassia asked if I was ok but I wasn’t. Being inside bothered me too. Everyone’s voices bouncing off the walls were giving me anxiety. I had electromagnetic sensitivity and all I wanted to do was go outside. I realised I have been living outside for two weeks. Cassia told me this was a normal part of integration. So I rested on a short wall until it was time for the others to leave for the airport. The air was somber. They were eager to get on with the rest of their vacation but I think everyone agreed that this was home. I played guitar for Fernando when everyone left. He hugged me and kissed the top of my head. “I really see your transformation. You are very grounded now and I think your idea for the cafe, what Aya has given you for your vision, is the reason I do this work.” The driver took Finn and I back to the center where he and I played guitar and talked all night in the maloka. The girls made us boiled eggs and potatoes and I swear I loved it so much! I’m going to miss their sweet faces. Everyone here brings so much joy!

Day 14
I moved huts to be closer to the kitchen and was confused to see that this hut was nicer than mine. So I went into one of the other huts to check it out and it too was nicer. I had no idea I was staying in the crappy hut and yet, I was still so grateful for it! The process, the lessons...it was all for my healing!

Slept fine but heard a fox get one of the chickens last night. There’s brand new baby chicks running around and the ones that were babies when we first got here are almost full grown. I walked slowly around the grounds for a bit, just to take it all in but then it was time to go to pick up the covid tests. While in town we did some shopping and I got flan. My stomach disapproves! The airport was a breeze but I started getting emotional when the plane took off. I will be praying and manifesting to return some day to my new jungle paradise home that I love so much. I pray that recent events doesn’t take it all away.

Thank you Fernando. Thank you Cassia. Thank you staff and drivers. You are all amazing individuals and I hope that you are happy and healthy in your lives and are working towards your dreams as well. You are doing great work and deserve all of the blessings, blessings, BLESSINGS!!!
I love you. Housh.

Exp Year: 2021	ExpID: 116009
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 40
Published: Jan 3, 2022	Views: 551
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