DOSE:		oral	Alcohol - Hard
		oral	Mushrooms	(dried)

BODY WEIGHT:

94 kg

First Trip With Hallucinogens

I always respect every new drug I try, I always start with a minimal dose and always had a special fear about hallucinogens, the idea that it could pull a crazy switch in one's mind forever scares me.

I bought some shrooms months ago and I remember just eating scraps of it when I first got, that's how cautious I was about this substance, then I swallowed a whole pill the other day and so on, I think I ingested 1.5g maybe. The only effect it had on me was that I felt the environment a little strange, like I was drunk but with a clear mind, no euphoria, just a strange feeling towards my surrounds. Then I thought this drug was pure bullshit and left it in the bottom of my drawer for months.

About a week ago I had two gin and tonic and with this disdain of the hallucinogen drug in my head plus the alcohol intoxicated mind I had the idea to pop some higher dosage shrooms this time, I had a packet of it and ate about 3 or 4 stems and caps. About 15 minutes after I started seeing very clear fractal patterns on the floor and started to feel a little happy but I was completely conscious, I was finding it funny, I was even talking to people and they didn't notice anything abnormal about me.

At first I was feeling some pleasure in it, was feeling lovable and calling various people on the phone to talk. But then I sat down in my room and had that stupid idea like when one is feeling the euphoria of a drug and not wanting to let it go and wanting to take some more to continue the joyous ride. I was so high and lazy I peed in a cup and swallowed a packet of dryed mushrooms in urine, I was completely gone to judge anything I was doing at this point in regards to ingest more drugs, I'm not even sure if it were only 5 grams total I ingested, maybe it was more because there were 2 packets that originally contained 5g each and I don't remember if one of them was empty. That's why a sitter is so important, now I see.

Then I remember my mind was racing like never before in my life, I just started to make connections between thoughts that I usually don't, like seeing reality from another viewpoint. I wasn't even having visuals anymore, I wasn't even seeing or didn't care about it, what was happening inside my mind was much more urgent. When the effects of the drugs were getting higher I started dealing with fewer elements of the real world, trapped in my mind.

At this stage it is the ego death phenomena and the paradox of being a consciousness and at the same time having no identity. I could be a grain of sand, a drop of water, an atom. I am a dead ego, I didn't exist. That's a hard wall to hit and I can pass from it. What am I? (totally reminded me of the ''Maybe you are my puppet'' scene from Solaris) "there are no answers, only choices".

After so much unresolved questions angst started to take over my mind and I began to wonder why would one not kill oneself to get out of this singularity of discomfort, of being so humiliated by being so powerless into answering those profound questionings. At this time all I could remember was the love of my mother and I was in a real life or death situation, I've never came so close to killing myself, not that I made preparations about it but it set my mind in this direction. Some part of me wanted to live and forced its will through all this craziness.

I had this corny insight that love is all there is and was the only thing maintaining everything functioning, that's willpower or it was probably just some other brain mechanism trying to take command and keep me alive, I'm pretty sure some neuroscientist could make this empirical finding if in an appropriate environment.

The morning after was one of the most difficult periods of my life, anxiety at the maximum level, racing thoughts telling me I fried my brains and I'll never be normal again. Thank goodness I'm not that young and by leaps and bounds I got through it.

I knew it was a question of time for the mind and body to adapt to what I have lived, one week after and I'm perfectly fine and in hindsight I can see that even with a very rough ride I've grown as an human being.

For good or for bad that experience made me feel alive.

Exp Year: 2022	ExpID: 116178
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 34
Published: Mar 27, 2022	Views: 562
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Mushrooms (39), Alcohol - Hard (198) : Alone (16), Hangover / Days After (46), Difficult Experiences (5), Combinations (3)