DOSE: T+ 0:00	7.5 g	oral	Kratom
T+ 2:00	1 hit	smoked	Salvia divinorum	(extract)
T+ 0:00	6 mg	transdermal	Estradiol	(daily)

BODY WEIGHT:

300 lb

An Intense and Terrifying Experience

Substance Use History:

I have had pretty extensive experience with Salvia around 15 years or so ago for extracts ranging from 20x to 80x. I take 7.5g Kratom 2 times daily. I have had previous experience with cannabis, a microdose of mushrooms, Hawaiian Baby Woodrose and Morning Glory seeds, a small dose of LSD, DXM, Spice, Diphenhydramine, alcohol, nutmeg, cocaine and crack, meth, nitrous, duster, glue, heroin, just about all opiates in pill form, Adderall, Ritalin, ambien, benzodiazepenes, and nicotine.

Mental Health History:
History of severe depression with psychosis, anxiety disorders, and OCD. Potential borderline personality disorder.

Mindset Before Trip:
I was incredibly nervous, but my mental condition was unusually good for once.

Substances Taken:
I took 7.5g kratom a few hours before (about 2:30am to 3:00am) taking the hit of Salvia (20x extract). The kratom had taken effect by the time of the trip. I take 6mg estradiol daily for my HRT regimen. I am not on any psychiatric medications for my mental health issues.

The Trip:
I will start with the caveat that these experiences are very hard to articulate, and especially so concerning physical sensations.

The kratom had started taking full effect when I decided I would pack a bowl of Salvia and go outside. I loaded it about 3/4's full packed. I didn't measure it out because I'm a dumbass who went off of past experiences in which I used regular cigarette lighters. As I sat there packing the bowl I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. I was nervous. I had had previous experiences with Salvia, and none of them were bad, but it's the most intense dissociative psychedelic experience I've ever had, including high doses of DXM (1300mg).

I took my loaded bong and lighter and walked outside. I sat in a nice spot away from anything I thought I might get hurt on if I, for some reason, decided to get up during the trip and walk around. I should note at this point that I did not have a trip sitter.

I sat down and decided to meditate and breathe a little to calm down and get my heart rate down. Once I felt ready I lit the bowl with my torch lighter and ripped. As I hit the Salvia I remember tasting it and thinking, "Yep, that's Salvia alright" remembering that unique Salvia smoke taste. I sat and held the smoke in for what seemed like no time at all and this is where it gets fun.

The house I was looking at suddenly started to look weird, so I decided to release the smoke. There was none left to breathe out and I had no idea how long I'd held it in.

Suddenly, the world in front of me started breaking up into what looked liked puzzle pieces. At this point I started merging with everything and getting strong kaleidoscopic visuals in my peripheral vision. Suddenly, I felt like I was pulled back and I was looking at the sky. Apparently my body, which I was no longer in control of, had decided to lie down. At this point I was shattered to pieces and ceased to exist as a human being. I was everything, but I was crammed into this infinitely tiny space yet still being shattered into pieces. Out of nowhere I got this sensation that I was rolling around and was being pulled around and had no control of this.

All of a sudden I started freaking out thinking I was dying. At this point I had no recollection that I had even taken the Salvia. I was sure I was having a stroke or a heart attack (a pretty common theme to my OCD). I was feeling an intense pulsing. I was sure I was dying so I called for help saying, "Somebody help me!" and more quietly, almost sobbing, "Somebody please help me". I'm fairly sure that what was happening is I was trying to resist the ego death. I kept getting this feeling that I just needed to let go, but I resisted. I kept hearing this phrase, and I'm not entirely sure what it was, but it sounded like, "No one knows what you're talking about" over and over again for pretty much the rest of the trip. Everything sounded distorted and broken. I'm not sure if I actually said anything, or if I did if anything I said was coherent. No one so far has talked to me about it so I'm guessing I wasn't loud enough or it was all in the trip (it's like 5am at this point someone would have noticed). All of this happening while I'm rolling around, or whatever the hell was going on. I started remembering that I had taken the Salvia but I felt that it had been too long since I took the hit for me to still be feeling it. I had spent a long time in wherever I was. I was experiencing some pretty extreme time dilation.

I seemingly gained some sense of control and found my way back to where I was when I took the hit, all the while spinning and rolling. I'm pretty sure it was the exact spot since my bong and lighter were right next to me (either I had sat there the entire time or I had performed a Hurculean feat in a psychedelic realm). I remember it feeling like I was merging back into myself (maybe I was having an out of body experience and the whole time I was really just sitting there???). The Salvia gave me a moment to get myself together before it threw me back in. I was back to merging with everything around me, but I did not fear I was dying anymore.

When the Salvia finally gave back control I sat there and did some deep breathing. It felt like I was being pieced back together. The first words I could speak after I came back together were, "Holy shit!".

I decided to get my stuff and go back inside. Still having pretty intense pink, white, and black kaleidoscopic visuals that reminded me of mouths in my peripherals that had been going on the whole trip and everything in front of me looking like it was super close and painting-like. I couldn't find the bowl to my bong so I grabbed my phone to use its flashlight. I noticed it was like 5:30am. I went inside to grab a real flashlight and went back outside. I ended up not being able to find the bowl so I figured I'd look later when it was light out. I went back inside.

I was still tripping to some degree for another 30-40 minutes or so but the most potent parts of the trip were over. I think the most psychedelic, mind melting part of the trip probably lasted about 30 minutes, but unfortunately, I didn't even think to time it. Altogether I think I was tripping to some degree for over an hour (maybe too high of a dose?).

After the trip was over I felt super tired and had just finished typing out the trip report elsewhere. I decided I'd go to sleep.

While sleeping I started having psychedelic dreams that were reminiscent of the trip. Even today, which is now a day later, I am having mental recollections of it and the nap I took earlier involved psychedelic dreams.

All-in-all I would consider this a bad trip, but I also count it as a glowing experience. Truly a "making lemonade out of lemons" situation. I am still trying to process the trip, and while I don't think these things impart any mystical wisdom to us, I do believe they can pull from your subconscious mind to help you learn more about yourself and how you think.

Exp Year: 2022	ExpID: 116546
Gender: Not Specified
Age at time of experience: 31
Published: Sep 27, 2022	Views: 1,189
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Kratom (203), Salvia divinorum (44) : Depression (15), Glowing Experiences (4), Bad Trips (6), Combinations (3), Alone (16)