DOSE: T+ 0:00		oral	DXM
T+ 0:00	repeated	smoked	Tobacco - Cigarettes
T+ 24:00	2.1 g	oral	Mushrooms - Panaeolus cyanescens

BODY WEIGHT:

132 lb

This weekend I went on a little bender and experienced full blown catatonic psychosis. I took DXM on a friday night and shrooms the next day. I don’t think I could even comprehend what a bad psych trip was before this trip.

It was my third time dexxing, my second time taking shrooms and my fourth time taking psychedelics altogether. The strain was blue meanies. The circumstances leading up to the trip were already fucked up. The night before I hit second plat on DXM on a completely empty stomach. I threw up multiple times and got severe stomach pains and rumbles. It felt like a giant fucking tapeworm was squirming around in my intestines. I got home fucked up and the next morning all I ate was some pita bread and hummus and chain smoked. Was already feeling emotionally dead and was coming down from a cold so I was like fuck it, lets take some shrooms.

I measured out 2.1g of blue meanies and took em. The plan was to take em and then as I was peaking I was gonna walk down to the pier near my house and stare at the sunset by the water. Idk what happened during the trip but all I remember is staring at my Joy Division poster the entire trip in a catatonic state. Once I came down at around the four hour mark something cosmically terrifying happened that I still can’t even begin to fathom.

I remember just lying in bed in this muddled daze. I suddenly began to realize that my mental processes were totally fucked up. It was as if all my senses had suddenly converged into some sort of homogeneous sensory experience. Visualizing colours and hearing sounds suddenly became indistinguishable from one another. I started making noises from my mouth and I realized that it was hard for me to even process the action. I began to severely panic. It felt as if though my mental processes had been completely rewired and reset and I couldn’t even understand basic information. I would try to type things out but would stare at the letters and couldn’t even perceive them as letters, merely foreign shapes of black against a white screen. I couldn’t comprehend anything that was happening around me and couldn’t distinguish the different properties between objects and non-objects. I was experiencing reality for as it truly was, without knowledge or intelligence to help me navigate it.

If I could compare it to an analogy it was almost exactly like one of the endings in that game The Stanley Parable (specifically the Mariella ending). In the game, the character finds themselves trapped in an endless series of rooms and their sanity starts to deteriorate and it is revealed they are just going insane on the street. It had felt as though all of reality was just a prison and everything humans did were just distractions and delays before reaching our ultimate end goal, death. I suddenly became extremely aware of how futile it all was and was desperately looking for a way to “end the game”. I began to pace back and forth in my room manically trying to cut my fingers off with my scissors to experience some form of stimulation. I falsely believed that staying alive was a cowardice and called my friend and asked him to kill me or I would kill him. He then reasonably got all his roommates to quickly come to my house to save me. I heard sirens and I panicked and ran onto the streets holding the scissors in my hands.

My goal was to try to jump in the pier near my house to swim far away and drown. I was thinking about the futility of ego and was in a slight catatonic and psychotic state. I was literally a shirtless man carrying scissors in the middle of the street. I also began to heavily envy homeless people as I had believed they had the right idea, waiting for death. I began to think everyone was chasing after me. I threw the scissors behind some tree and I jumped in the water. It was so cold it instantly shook me back to reality somewhat. My next goal was to keep walking as a far as I could until I died but luckily my friends found me and brought me back to some semblance of sanity. I also was looking for a church to find refuge at during my journey. I realized that people look for sanctity in religion to protect them and provide them with a sense of order.

I believe what I experienced was ego death because I had no concept of myself as a body, but merely my body as a vessel that could perform tasks like speaking or walking, like controlling a remote controlled car. I don’t really know where I’m going with this considering I typed this all out in a manic state in less than 10 minutes but that was my trip. I probably just unlocked scizophrenia lol

Exp Year: 2022	ExpID: 116704
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 20
Published: Nov 14, 2022	Views: 438
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Mushrooms - Panaeolus cyanescens (185) : Various (28), Bad Trips (6)