DOSE:

3.0 - 3.5 g

oral

Mushrooms

(dried)

BODY WEIGHT:

185 lb

SUMMARY

Three weeks ago I had my first mushroom trip with the intention of quitting marijuana addiction the experience of which I have shared here. A week ago I had my second mushroom trip. These two are by no means by first trips. About 10+ years ago, I had dabbled with salvia without any prior and proper research and respect for set and setting. I was doing Spice and accidentally (and consciously) I ingested salvia which were not at all pleasant. This second trip however was a legit psychedelic trip.

While my first mushroom trip was very serotonergic, joyous, pleasant and felt like an actual trip, the best way I can describe the follow-up is like a 10.9 earthquake on Richter scale. It was complete ego dissolution and overhaul by the universe. For a lack of better word, I felt ‘dick’ energy and felt like entire Universe was bullying me. I would not say it was a bad trip, but it wasn’t a pleasant trip per se. Part of the reason I think is because it was rushed, a bit forced, the prior set and setting was not right and I was carrying very dense energy of negativity such as resentment and feeling hurt. Also because I downed the whole bag at once having gained confidence from my previous experience.

But I would not trade this very powerful experience for anything in the world. Whilst we think psychedelics are all bliss and love and energy, this particular one was a stern bullying teacher like salvia.

In retrospect I realize that the bullying by a stern teacher was the only way to break down my ego.

SET AND SETTING

I am on social media all day and prior to the experience I was going around on Twitter rattling sabers with right-wing (also lefitsts) conservatives pointing out their hypocrisy and faux-Christian conservatism as well as pointing out their racism. Since Twitter is one big echo chamber, I felt even though I would call the people out on their bullshit such as racism I would be surrounded by people to gang up against me. I felt there was no justice in the world and was very frustrated. A little burnt out.

Two weeks ago I made my first intention of quitting weed addiction for mushroom experience. Although I did not go to the dispensary or relapse to nicotine, twice I smoked a CBD doobie with kief and a 10mg THC drink. While my addiction was not completely knocked off it seemed the anxiety kept coming back and I felt I could have relapsed. (A minor point. The mushroom trip gave me exactly what I wanted. However, I was drinking minor coffee which I couldn’t handle despite being decade long dark coffee drinker and hardcore energy drink drinker such as Redline, Bang and Ghost and other preworkout stimulants…. But since I followed up my first mushroom trip with sensory deprivation one and half week later, my kundalini could have awakened and I felt the urge to smoke something - anything - to ground myself. This is to emphasize mushrooms DO cure addiction except one should not fuck it up even more by doing other things which might unground oneself.)

Anyway.

ACTUAL EXPERIENCE

I had a rough blueprint of what I needed to do. I wanted to do near a city park near council and library where there is a building leading up to from a long stairs that is quiet and I could relax alone. After getting the bag, I drove to the park near city council chamber and made a rough intention:

1.Please knock off my weed addiction in entirety.
2.How can I forgive my parents and serve them accordingly in their last years of life?
3.What is my life’s purpose and major vision? (I was also having some eye aches in the left eye and I felt my ‘vision’ was not in balance to interpret a spiritual symbolism.)
4.A gift from the universe which could be a surprise.

Needless to say I got more than I bargained for.

I wanted to respect the fungi and approached with grace and humility. However, as I got amongst the trees, I downed the whole bag… Almost immediately later my attention was brought to other shrooms (probably reishi or rounded white ones like bell… I am not a mycologist…) on the grassy ground.

I walked up the stairs and sat by the council building. I wanted to relax and soaked up the sun. It felt good. And I did not feel anything for the first 20 minutes.

I decided to pee and head to the library. As I was coming out of the library an African-American lady who was walking there greeted me by saying with big smiles: “Good morning! How are you?” or something along that line, I forget. I also smiled and greeted her back.

It was then it hit me. The racism I see and saw outside was in me. Although I did not feel any racism towards her but subconsciously I did hold many hidden biases, judgments and downright racism. I am perceived as Middle-Eastern and/or Indian/Pakistani so I am also of minority race. But the way I was brought up and programmed in my early life by my culture and society and father I have unbeknownst to my psyche developed deep hidden racist attitudes.

Then I realized the first insight. The racism I see outside and heck the evil I see outside existed within me. It was bitter pill to swallow.

Still I was feeling great and serotonin was flowing mildly and in good amount. I decided to go back to the top of the stairs. Little did I know what I was about to encounter if not engulfed by the full cosmic force of the Universe.

PEAK EXPERIENCE

Then slowly by surely the nausea started coming. I decided to go back to the parking lot and chill in my car. I wanted to turn on some music, but I did not have the taste or will for any of them. I reclined my seat and took off my glasses and decided to just relax. But I was feeling uncomfortable. Then it started coming on. Oh no…what the fuck did I do again. The car felt like it became a spaceship and could either way - forwards or backwards. I interpreted it as shift of perspective. Beads of sweat were gathering on my lips and I felt the nausea. I felt even though I took off my glasses, had I intended I could probably see just fine.

I was feeling really uncomfortable and experienced hallucination of my self growing bigger to be my Self. Kind of like ‘mahima’ siddhi.

I did not know what to do so decided to head back to nature… As I got out of the car I felt the only time I experienced something strong and potent as this was on my salvia trip 10 years back - except it was not that unpleasant and I could handle it.

And then it began. As I went to the park everywhere I looked people with big dogs were there where the owners came to walk their pet. I don’t hate dogs or have a phobia (although I had a bad experience as a kid and the dogs are considered unclean in my culture…) but I don’t like the dogs either. I don’t like how they lick and they shit. Point being, I was not about to confront my fears and dislikes head on. Universe had different plan. He was setting me up.

As I was walking towards the stairs through the park that’s when it hit me with full force. Anywhere I looked for refuge, I found that I was being ‘barricaded’ by people with large dogs coming to walk their dog. This feeling was familiar on edibles 5 years back when I felt the whole city was barricaded by cops as I downed some cannabis in a car as a rideshare driver.

Then the negativity started to bicker in my ears. “It is always about me me me isn’t it?” I heard myself saying in a bitter tone. I couldn’t articulate nor grasp my thoughts. “But what about Twitter?” I said. (Possibly I was referring to the racism and injustice and as well as my craving for notifications.) “Fuck your Twitter man. Fuck your Twitter.” I almost heard myself saying in a ghetto voice where some ‘entity’ was bullying me. The underlying message was this: There are far more pain and suffering going in the world than my thought around this dumb app. Plus, it was me who was on judgement stand. Not others.

As I approached the steps, I felt like I couldn’t climb. I was feeling dizzy and I forced to sit down on ground. Universe got me. It totally was forcing me to humble myself. I was born Muslim although I left the religion, but Islam means ‘submit’ or ‘surrender’. Universe/Tao/Brahman/Allah was submitting me by force willfully.

As I sat and stared at the stone tiles, they started moving and became wavy. But that was the only hallucinatory experience - at least visually. Yes, I got the full package!

I tapped out. I was defeated by Universe by submission. As you would recall in the summary, this was the only way Universe could break down my ego.

I wanted to go back to my car. But I felt the intense need to talk to someone. I saw this young kid who was living as a homeless person under the building. I wanted to talk to him and discuss that I was tripping balls on shroom. I asked him if he was hungry and need any food. “Sure.” “What?” “It doesn’t matter. Anything.” I replied: “I have food stamps. I can get you anything you want man.” I felt good when I said that. I felt the confidence and there was no shake in my voice.

However, as soon as I left him the bullying tone returned: “You manipulative bitch aren’t you?” Because my ‘helping hand’ did not come from a place of unconditional love but the manipulation to talk to him as I was feeling an intense urge to connect with someone on shrooms under the guise of ‘helping’ him. Even as I write this I tear up slightly because I have been doing this all along. Not just me, but we as humanity are so manipulative even when we pretend to do good. That’s how insidious our ego is.

As I was went back to the car again I saw people with dogs everywhere. I was being ‘trapped’. Nowhere I turned I could find refuge. Even when I went to the car, I could sense the distant cop car which was facing me.

I did not want any negative vibes and because of this very reason I decided to drive away. Plus I promised the brother some food and I had to do the chore. (Although higher intelligence wanted me to abandon the idea, my ego would not let go. I am a man of my word and I was stubborn to help him come hell or high water.) It is ONLY because of this reason I decided to drive (as well as drive away from the energy of the cop). This was my second lesson. You cannot help everyone. “Throw away holiness and virtue”.. As Lao Tzu would say. This might seem counterintuitive as we think psychedelics teach us about being kind, compassionate, empathic, loving human being.. But the thing is no matter how good our intention there is ALWAYS an egoic ulterior agenda. Besides, it is not my fight. There is a REASON why the brother got himself in that position and we should let nature do their own thing instead of poking our nose and saving the whole humankind and planet. [STRONG DISCLAIMER: DO NOT DRIVE UNDER PSYCHEDELICS OR ANY PSYCHOACTIVE SUBSTANCES.]

This was also a double-entendre in lessons because when I was being frustrated about racisms of some conservatives online, it was not my battle. I only have to concern with myself as to what am I doing as a good human being. The rest is up to God. God is working behind the scenes. Oh! The sheer arrogance to think we can heal the world with our little petty social justice activism online and cure and eradicte evil! The arrogance!

As Joe Rogan said: We don’t know shit.

As I was driving I felt that I could handle the situation and had good grip on reality. Even though me ego was dissolving and the Universe was bullying me with full cosmic force it also had my back like a loving Father who was carrying me in His lap. Again I turned on the music, but I felt nothing. Again nowhere I could find refuge. I was done. My ego was trapped and had to show its true face and colors. Day of Judgement. Day or Reckoning. As they say in Islam on the day of Judgement everyone will be saying “Iya nafsi” “Iya nafis” (Or more preoccupied with oneself to look at others.)

As I was stopped at a traffic light near the swap meet I saw people who were smiling and were happy. I looked at my right then at my left hoping for some reassurance. But no one bothered to gave me any look. I was alone in this. I felt envious that people were going with their daily lives so simple but so happy. Be it father, mother and kids on a Sunday trip at a swap meet…

I drove to another park as the rule of thumb says we should be close to nature. But then as I was walking in that new park I felt the eyes of other people looking at me like I was some kind of weirdo. I could sense they could sense I was tripping balls. Again they were so joyous and happy.

As I went back to the car, I smiled because it seemed to stop. It’s over right? I smiled and forcefully laughed. But “it” whatever the fuck it was seemed to come in waves. Universe was not done with me yet.

I knew I hada job to do. I promised the brother some food. Again Universe was whispering in my ears to let go. But I wouldn’t. My ego wouldn’t. I grit my teeth and as I purchased food from 7-11 I realized the cashier could sense I was on something but instead was kind. The Sikh guy even addressed me as “brother” or “friend”.

When I was driving as soon as I wanted to articulate any thoughts or to find ‘meaning’ of it all and life I felt like Universe was mocking me with glossolalia. As soon as I wanted to find the meaning in ‘love’ ‘compassion’ or to ‘help others’ I felt like I was saying “blwnggsdgblwbsgsblwlwlbwlblwlg”. Almost like it won’t let me make any coherent statements or thoughts. (Interpretation being there IS no meaning in life. It is what we make it to be. Also it was ego dissolution which prevented me making any coherent sentence structure.)

To cut a long story short I drove back and gave him the food. I desperately wanted the experience to be over. It was so intense. I would do anything to be back at our two bedroom Section 8 home where we got by on welfare and food stamps and grace of the US government via proxy of the Universe living with my kind mom.

Yes, I was grateful for the life I had at that point and desperately wanted to get back into the shell down from the space rocket tin container to this life. I would do anything to go back to my seemingly ‘broken’ life which I felt was absolutely perfect in God’s Divine universe of Welsh pattern of cosmic knots.

As I was giving the food, I saw a bunch of kids on bikes circling the homeless young guy. My first instinct was to boss and bully them around saying how the sign says “No bike riding, skating and rollerblading”. But immediately I realized it is a ‘trap’ and a test by the Universe so I decided to yield. I gave him the food and as he thanked me, I gave him a thumbs up. One of the kids mimicked me and showed me a thumbs up. I felt Universe via the kid was giving me a thumbs up.

I returned home and as I was coming down I felt good. I felt really really good and was in a total flow state of confidence returning back to my normal self as a fully-actualized being and a Man.

One more thing, when I returned home I felt my Mom was a statue. It FELT like she knew what was up. She didn’t even look at me and was still and silent like a frozen quicksilver statue and did not even look at me. “All the world’s a stage”.. As Shakespeare wrote. In fact, I felt all along all my life I was being ‘set up’ by the Universe.

POST PSYCHEDELIC AWAKENING THOUGHTS

Later on that day, I wrote down some thoughts online. Here are those lessons culled from the experience:

12 Lessons learned on shrooms:

1. IT'S A MOTHERFUCKIN EARTHQUAKE.
2. Thre is no escaping.
3. God/Universe/Allah is not necessarily unconditional love and an empath and can be a stern teacher if she wants to be.
4. Have fuckin humility.
5. It's not always about "me, me, me, me.."
6. "Love" "Gratitude" "Humility" "Grace" "Forgiveness" all are empty words
7. We live in an energetic universe
8. I don't know shit. And it is okay to admit it.
9. Life is meaningless. You are what you make it to be.
10. Have fun n–gas…
11. It's not your or mine job to save the world. Leave it to the Big Man upstairs
12. Life/Reality/Brahman/Tao is in Supreme Balance

A word about #6. When I mean by empty words is that it is not sufficient to just spout empty dictum and preach. One must live it too. Hence #7 of universe being an ‘energetic’ one.

POST PSYCHEDELIC INTEGRATION

Since ego inevitably returns, one of the pitfalls is the bind: We KNOW all is one and all is Love. But it is ‘okay’ to lose our shit once in a while. It is permissible. I am not saying one should be a jerk. But one shouldn’t feel bad if one loses temper once in a while or not feeling blissed out 24/7 spreading love and positivity whole day all around. I googled psychedelic spiritual bypassing and the article by someone reassured me that yes we might feel that we are One with All and All is Love and Light but it is entirely reasonable that if someone cuts us in the traffic we might get pissed off.

‘Be of this world but not in it’ as they say. This was the final capstone because I would feel guilty for not acting out as a kind, compassionate human being as the experience totally humbled myself.

CONCLUSION

To sum up, it was very intense experience and although it is ‘safe’ and I can ‘handle’ I don’t think I would be doing it anytime time soon at least not for a 1-2 year or so. Hell with microdosing too.

And yes, not only it completely knocked off my cannabis addiction but also dark coffee and hardcore energy drink addiction which I used to imbibe every day on an empty stomach 2-3 times a day along with weed for the hippie speedball.

Exp Year: 2022	ExpID: 116780
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 40
Published: Jan 5, 2023	Views: 471
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Mushrooms (39) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1), Public Space (Museum, Park, etc) (53)