DOSE: T+ 0:00	300 mg	oral	Mescaline
T+ 0:30	200 mg	oral	Mescaline

BODY WEIGHT:

185 lb

Mindset and Setting:

Before the trip, I had been feeling uncommitted to my worklife, as well as my relationship. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to stay in either, and had been feeling rather blase. I was somewhat anxious about tripping indoors, as it was my first time doing so, and also my first time doing a long-lasting hallucinogen alone.

I live in a townhouse overlooking a busy intersection in a major North American city that is known for being a sketchy area. I also happened to trip the day after my roommates told me they were breaking up, so the house was tense. It was wet outside, with constant rain and the sounds of construction.

I have a king sized bed next to a lazy boy in my somewhat large room. 95% of the trip was spent inside of here. Most of it was with a blackout sleep mask (manta) and over-ear headphones. Throughout the trip, I would write down insights on a notepad.

Eventually, I disliked my playlist and had to scroll through internet playlist options, which was poor planning on my part.

Timing and dosage:

I woke up 8:15 am and made oatmeal with bananas and fruits. I took 300mg of mescaline in a glass of orange juice at 8:30, then another 200mg at 9 am.

Physical and Mental Effects:

During the trip and after I had a slight feeling of tension in my body, like I was somewhat anxious. I also felt feelings of euphoria, love, gratitude, overwhelming grief and happiness. All depending on what I was thinking about or what music I was listening to. I felt it allowed me to emotionally feel things going on in my life, I hope and believe this allows some processing to occur. Afterwards (8pm) I feel emotionally grounded and warm, but exhausted.

Visually I saw cascading colors and shapes somewhat typical of high doses of hallucinogens. For the majority of the trip I had a sleepmask on and over-ear headphones. I listened to classical music and saw morphing shapes and figures to the music. Walls and imagery all shifting to the music. For the first time, I listened to opera (by accident, as it was in a long playlist I downloaded). I liked it, finding it shaped my mind’s theatre in a unique way, my liking to it surprised me. I would breathe heavily, sometimes just appreciating the visual and audio beauty I was experiencing, but also allowing my thoughts to overlay the music. The emotional weight of the thoughts would be influenced by the tone of the song.

Throughout the trip I did feel hot and cold, and changed what I was wearing several times. Towards the end of my peak I enjoyed being under a light duvet.

Preparations made or intentions for the experience:

Preparations: I made a playlist of mostly classical music to listen to, though this wound up being far too short. I also layed out some drawing paper and colored markers to doodle with, as well as a large notepad for insights. I had purchased a blackout sleep mask explicitly for the trip.

Intentions: I had two intentions going into the trip:
Show me what I value, and how that might shape my ideal future life.
Show me what I’m taking for granted.

Medications, herbs, or supplements being taken:
None.

Insights gained and/or problems encountered:

1. Right away I cried thinking about my parents' mortality, and how that is something I run from as a thought. I pretend they aren’t getting old, and that I can’t see it. I realized I need to take that scarcity of time seriously. It also made me realize how much I value sharing life with my friends and girlfriend in my life.

2. I realized I need to get help, whether it is therapy or a support group. I need it to process a recent psychotic episode of a best friend of mine who is now going through difficulties and large personality changes due to medications. I didn’t realize this was emotionally weighing me down as much as it is.

3. I realized I need to be more present in each moment, that we all come together like instruments to “play” each part in life. This came after realizing and feeling like I had been taking each moment of my life, or in other words, my entire life, for granted. I realized that there is nothing wrong with “playing” parts in life and fully committing to “the bit” of your life. If you’re already there why aren’t you committing to what you are doing fully? In my relationships that means making them happy, being a loving partner. In work, it means actually looking to connect with colleagues, work towards common goals, and build things I care about.

4. I lift weights and found myself thinking “Why?”. The muscle mass doesn’t serve a purpose.

5. (This part may be difficult to understand or poorly articulated) Toward the end of the trip I ended up listening to some Alan Watts on Taoism. He spoke about how the feminine or yin is emphasized more in philosophy to counteract the fact that in regular life yang is more present. I learned that I have more yin in my life, more “go with the flow” or “wandering man” in my life, and could value more balance, gained from more control/yang.

Overall I feel like my intentions were somewhat helpful, much of my processing focused on what I take for granted. The values intention was met indirectly but showed me that the relationships in my life are what I value over everything and that I need to place importance on them.

There were several moments where I would cry out of grief for lost friends and loved ones, or for other emotional reasons.

In hindsight, I would have liked to have a guide or to have planned my day so that I was entirely alone in the house to minimize noise or concern about entering the rest of my house. I would have prepared a longer playlist, and planned explicit other activities. Overall though, I think a guide could have been useful to articulate things verbally instead of writing and to encourage me to pursue lines of thinking/provide structure. I would also use voice notes if a guide was unavailable.

TLDR: Great but difficult trip. Lots of good processing went on which was emotionally strenuous but fulfilling. Would have been better with some more planning, or a guide.

Exp Year: 2023	ExpID: 116959
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 29
Published: Jan 17, 2023	Views: 1,325
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Mescaline (36) : Alone (16), General (1)