DOSE: T+ 0:00	150 ug		LSD
T+ 2:30	3 hits	smoked	DMT
T+ 2:45	3 hits	smoked	DMT

BODY WEIGHT:

130 lb

I feel that my trip yesterday was one of the most monumental and healing I’ve ever experienced. I started the day off right, almost a ritual of health that would comfort me during the experience. Gym, chores, healthy food, and about 30 minutes of meditation and journaling.

For context, I started journaling and meditating about two weeks prior since my relationship with my boyfriend had reached a turning point in terms of toxicity. I had adopted a victimhood mentality that kept me from seeing my faults and wrongdoings in the relationship and I was starting to reflect on what made me so convinced I could never be in the wrong. Additionally, all my recent DMT experiences left me feeling extremely unsatisfied. I would find myself overwhelmed with psychedelic euphoria, only to catch my mind wandering and fixating on seemingly random, unrelated topics. I would be so caught up in thinking about a homework assignment, or a piece of clothing I wanted to buy that I would miss the trip entirely. When I would start to regain my senses I felt nothing but embarrassment and disappointment. So, I was determined to improve my focus through meditation in hopes of a better trip next time. I felt that I had made some significant progress even in a short amount of time, and the meditation I practiced yesterday gave me confidence and comfort going into the trip.

I headed over to my boyfriend’s house with a newfound sense of determination, some nervousness, and art supplies. I dosed 250 micrograms of LSD in the early afternoon and sat back getting ready for the oncoming experience. I started by playing a little Zelda Ocarina of Time to calm my nerves and ease into the body high and such. Then once I could feel the threshold effects, my boyfriend and I went for a short walk. I feel that getting some fresh air and changing up the surroundings during an LSD come-up can make the peak more pleasant and manageable. When we returned home I started to draw. Tracing lines on the swirling paper, flooded with snowflake-like patterning gave me a sense of peace. I could hardly feel the pressure and importance that I had made the trip out to be. About two and a half hours after dosing, it was time to take the DMT.

In the true way of Terence McKenna, a hefty dose of DMT during the peak of an LSD trip always promises a fruitful experience. I sat up and prepared to hold the pipe when the nerves suddenly hit me. I couldn’t gather my thoughts. Part of my goal in meditating was to find a purpose, a center for my trip to revolve around. Whether it be insecurity, stubbornness, or any other part of my life I was desperate to eradicate, I couldn’t think of anything despite my efforts. I tried to recall what I had written in my journal that morning, but the acid and nerves clouded my mind and I drew a blank. Eventually, I took a deep breath and decided the self-reflection I had been doing recently was enough to sustain my focus. I didn’t need some specific mantra to meet my goals.

One toke, then two. My vision faded in and out of double. Then three tokes. One last deep inhale to clear the pipe. Then sit back. Breathe. My lungs ached and my throat clenched as my world dissolved into infinite shelves of fractals morphing between a central, tangled mess of entities, God-like figures warped between each other then into their surroundings. The shelves that lined the background warped into narrow, glowing passages where more figures crawled out and towards me. They assumed the same position, weaving their limbs together and presenting me with tarot-like cards. Slowly, they were getting closer and closer. This was a familiar scene that I had seen in previous trips, and I was proud that I was present for the experience so far. Until, the figures got so close to me that they began feeding me divine objects. One after the other shoved their hands up to my face and filled my mouth with heavenly matter. I could feel my jaw clenching as if my mouth were really being filled. I felt overwhelming guilt. “Why me? Why are these celestial beings feeding ME? Who am I to deserve all of this? What am I making of this blessing?”

Insecurity flooded my senses. To me, these beings were people in my life that had sacrificed for me. My mother, my father, my friends, my boyfriend. I searched my life for what might make me special. For what might justify this experience. “Maybe I’m smart? No, everyone around me seems to be doing just as well as me. Maybe there are some times I prove myself?” My vision faded from divine glow to a bleak representation of lecture halls and homework assignments. “This can’t be all I am. What else is there?” Then, *SNAP* I realized what had happened. I felt myself sinking into despair and embarrassment. “Again? After all the preparation, you still default to desperately searching for a way out of insecurity. To build yourself up by putting others down.” My mind scrambled trying to reconnect the dots and find the entities again, but by now my vision had darkened and only gentle patterning scrolled across my eyelids.

I blinked my eyes awake into the bright, wobbly world I had just left. “That was it. That was the best I could do. Was there really something wrong with me? Am I so predisposed to self-loathing that no meditation, no reflection, no psychedelic could save me?” I felt the tears swell behind my eyes as my failure was realized. My boyfriend noticed my sad display and immediately began to comfort me. I felt the guilt rise in me again. My insecurity has manifested in many ways that have been horribly harmful to both him and our relationship. Even when I failed to heal myself and improve our relationship, there he was to love and support me. The entities were feeding me and I could amount to nothing despite it. Sobs broke from my chest. To my surprise, my boyfriend encouraged me to try again. The idea of going back and reaffirming the reality I had arrived in made me feel horrified, but he persisted. He told me this was an opportunity to prove to myself that I could overcome the negativity that got me here. I could learn from the last experience and make a new one. A healing one. I gathered myself and agreed to go again. This time, I would follow his advice of using a chant, “strength and focus,” to fend off negativity. I had used a similar strategy in my early DMT trips and had great experiences because of it. I felt the nerves of going back, but I needed to prove to myself that I was not beyond hope.

I took the pipe again. One toke. Two. Three. Clear the remaining smoke. I laid back as my body dissolved into the bed, determined rather than passive. I would be a part of the experience, not let it wash over me. This time, a pendulum of beads swung around my brain, occasionally stopping before me to form the shape of a Buddha-like entity. The world around me was a gentle wash of glowing, flat color that complemented the beaded Buddha. After a few oscillations, the Buddha emerged from the beads and approached me, other figures following, and guided me through narrow passages of flowing patterns. We arrived at a gorgeously mosaicked palace with cascading stairways and fountains all covered in shimmering tiles. The Buddha sat confidently before me on one of the tiled stairs and the whole room suddenly shattered. All the tiles disassembled and fell into an infinite void of color. Then, before I could realize what happened, they all suddenly snapped back into place. Then they burst into infinity again. Over and over my world shattered and reassembled, but the Buddha remained unchanged. Unfazed by the gorgeous chaos around us. Eventually the tiles fell for a final time and the world became a gentle, breathing pattern. The Buddha slowly stood and walked across my eyelids until my vision faded to gentle darkness.

My eyes fluttered open. I felt safe. I felt satisfied. I watched the waves of the walls around me as if I had woken up into a new, more hopeful world. This trip had confirmed what I hoped would be true. I was not a lost cause. I was not beyond repair. I only need to practice strength and focus from within. Dwelling on justifying my insecurity or questioning my worth has only made me miserable and only caused pain for others. I will continue to meditate and continue to journal, and now I learned that practicing affirmations and using mantras to ground myself are very valuable techniques. I can use these to block negative thought patterns and find security within myself. Though I am not where I want to be in terms of security, this trip made me thankful to be growing. We are all works in progress, and as long as we practice love for ourselves and others, that progress will be positive.

Exp Year: 2023	ExpID: 117426
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 19
Published: Oct 23, 2024	Views: 15
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LSD (2), DMT (18), Meditation (128) : Entities / Beings (37), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Combinations (3), Small Group (2-9) (17)