DOSE: T+ 0:00	130 mg	oral	MDMA	(capsule)
T+ 3:45	1 hit	smoked	Cannabis
T+ 5:15	half tablets	oral	Pharms - Alprazolam
T+ 6:15	half tablets	oral	Pharms - Alprazolam

BODY WEIGHT:

135 lb

Post-Break Up MDMA: Exactly What I Needed

Despite the fact that people on Reddit discouraged me from taking MDMA after my recent breakup, I trusted my instincts and did it anyway, and I'm so glad I did. For context, I have significant experience with other drugs, including psychedelics, but this was my first experience with MDMA. I took it in my dorm room with my roommate around (but not interacting with me). I remained in my bed for the majority of the ride. I am 18F, with treatment-resistant depression, generalized anxiety, ADHD, autism (level 1), ARFID, and motor tic disorder. I have no known major physical complications.
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5:45 pm: I swallowed a gel capsule with approximately (I say approximately because my scale's smallest unit was 1mg) 130mg of MDMA, previously tested for purity. I then immediately went and took a shower.

6:02: I return from my shower. Nothing feels different, but my pupils are dilated significantly more than normal.

6:22: The effects come on very strong, I decide it’s time for music and eye mask. I make it through listening to Labyrinth (Taylor Swift), but as In the Kitchen (Renee Rap) starts to play, the intensity of the bodily sensations and nausea I’m feeling bring me to remove the music and take off my eye mask. During the music and eye mask, I had very interesting, colorless visuals. When I both opened or closed my eyes with the mask on, I could see first stars, then patterns and lines moving in some sort of room I was looking into. It faded somewhat to black after Labyrinth was over.

6:27: I use my breath to calm myself and work through the sensations I’m feeling. For a little while, I feel very overwhelmed and unpleasant. I curl up with my head into my blanket, which is very soothing. From here on out, the following notes are exactly as I typed them during the experience, minus a few corrections for spelling.

6:30– I’ve done a lot of amazing things in my adult life. Like I’ve gotten through so much, I’ve learned so many new things. Also I have the feeling I’m typing super super fast which is cool.

6:32– it’s ok for things not to follow the plan. A lot of times in life I plan things a certain way, but it’s ok for things to totally veer off that path. For example I thought I was going to marry [ex girlfriend], but it’s ok to not do that. Even ethnobotany— I want to do that so bad right now and I’ve been telling everyone that’s my plan but it’s ok if that doesn’t happen. I thought I was trans—turns out that’s a lie. It’s ok for things to change.

6:44– body is feeling a lot better now. I was really not feeling great for a while and it’s still not the most enjoyable feeling but it’s very bearable. The mental clarity I feel is nuts. Like I feel very in control of my mind in a way.

[Note: In between these two notes, there is a very large break. During this time, I felt as though very little time had passed, and I was shocked to look up and discover that nearly two hours had passed since I had last typed. I spent those hours mostly face down into a pillow or my blanket, not listening to any music, just contemplating my life. I looked at the world in a totally different way. I felt a complete absence of fear and pain, but also a total acceptance that life is difficult and will always be. I had a lot of thoughts about the world, purpose, and meaning. I found myself privy to the knowledge that the world exists in balance, but at the same time, is striving for good to overcome evil. I discovered that the world is in a continuous cycle, and that once it achieves perfection, and a total absence of evil, it will somehow end, and then restart the cycle. I believe this may be similar to Hindu beliefs about the cycle of the universe.]

8:32– this has been the most meaningful experience of my life. The three words I really want to remember are peace, balance, and respect. But now I’m feeling that a fourth one is important too: joy. I want to get a tattoo that says those four words.

8:36– I’m deleting tinder. I don’t want hookups, and I’m not ready for a relationship right now, and possibly won’t be for a long time. What I need is to focus on my friendships and myself.

9:33– I feel like I’m returning to the world of fear a little bit. I feel some anxiety creeping in, not about anything specific, but just a general sense of unease. I can only imagine this must be part of the comedown. I’m going to try having a hit of weed.

[Note: From here on out, I struggled with boredom and sleep. I was unable to put my mind at rest, but the weed did help a bit. Sometime around 11 I took half of an alprazolam tab, which did begin to alleviate some of the comedown anxiety. Around 12, I took the other half. I don’t remember particularly feeling the effects, other than the fact that I finally felt tired enough to sleep. I went to the bathroom around 1am, and then fell asleep soon after. I woke up at 7:30 with terrible pains in my knees, and eventually decided to get some Ibuprofen. I also took a few hits from the pen, and then fell asleep again until [roommate] was getting up, but then fell asleep again after that until 10:00am, when my alarm went off. At first I decided to possibly ignore my alarm, but then I at least took my Adderall, and then lay in bed till I felt like getting up. I am not feeling depressed this morning, I am a bit tired, but overall I feel a sense of peace and purpose. I’m also feeling a great desire to be alone today. I simply want time to work on the things I need to get done, and continue to process this experience.]
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Further reflections: During the experience, I really felt like it was the most meaningful, enlightening experience I had ever had. I felt that I would likely go forward thinking of this as a new chapter of my life, or perhaps even a new book. I felt that my life would be marked as “before MDMA” and “after MDMA.” I also felt that I really did not need to use this drug again for a very long time. “When you get the message, hang up the phone.” I certainly felt, and still do feel, as though I have gotten the message. If I never did MDMA again in my life, I think I would be satisfied. I do expect to experience it again, perhaps in a more traditional club setting, but I also think that at least every few years (but no more than once a year), I may retake it in a therapeutic setting, as I did last night.

My biggest goal for integration is to retain as much of the insight that I gained last night as possible. The struggle is that I will not always have the right brain chemicals to maintain that sort of openness and peace, but I hope that cognitively, I can start to really encode some of those lessons into my brain.

Important takeaways summarized:

There are two options to what the purpose of the universe is (and I’m not sure which is true): either to find perfect balance between good and evil, or to achieve perfect goodness. Whichever one it is, when the goal is accomplished, the universe will then start over and repeat the process.

My purpose in life is to do my part in the universe to bring about goodness. With either scenario, it is more helpful for all people to bring goodness, because even if the goal is balance, there is much more evil in the world than there is good, so we must contribute to the good.

I fear change a lot. But change is inevitable, and it is ok. It is ok for me to not follow the plans that I make. I have no way of knowing what my life will be like, and that’s ok! The most important thing is that I know I will live a meaningful life, because everything has meaning.

We are all victims of circumstance. In their circumstances, many people are just doing the best they can.

Everything on the earth is “natural,” even things that we typically label as “artificial.” The natural world is not morally better than the industrial one, they are just different, and need to exist in balance. The problem is when the industrial world takes up more space in the world than the natural one does. Even synthetic drugs are natural, because they are all coming from things that exist in the world. Just as bees create hives, humans create a multitude of things. The things humans create are no less natural than those created by animals. Our species just happens to have a different and larger variety of creations than those of other species. Me taking my Adderall is no different than a bee being fed bee jelly, it is a thing made by others of my species to help me.

Exp Year: 2024	ExpID: 118015
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 18
Published: Sep 27, 2024	Views: 17
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MDMA (3) : First Times (2), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1), Alone (16)