DOSE: T+ 0:00	1000 ug	oral	LSD	(liquid)
T+ 6:00	75 mg	oral	MDMA	(powder / crystals)
T+ 7:30	125 mg		MDMA	(powder / crystals)
T+ 9:00	50 mg	insufflated	MDMA	(powder / crystals)
T+ 10:30	50 mg	insufflated	MDMA	(powder / crystals)
T+ 0:00	150 mg	oral	Pharms - Bupropion	(pill / tablet)
T+ 12:00	50 mg	insufflated	MDMA	(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

160 lb

Background chem: 150mg Bupropion twice per day. Smoke approximately 3g of
medium-high grade cannabis daily. Fasted all day Saturday. Approximately 1
quart of highly caffienated coffee.

Foreground chem: 1-1.5mg LSD, ~350mg MDMA (spread over 10 hours)

Skull thickness: extreme hardhead with acid, complete lightweight with MDMA


At 2pm, made the foolish decision to rinse out 'empty' vials of liquid LSD in a breath freshener solution. The first rinsing resulted in a noticable and strong taste. I probably should have stopped right then and there, but I didn't. I rinsed out the other 3. Within 10 minutes, I was feeling the effects. Ten minutes! Within 30 minutes, I was trembling and beginning to fear I may have overdone it. There was a crowd of people around and we were preparing to go on an outing, waiting on the last few people to get
ready. At 45 minutes, I wasn't sure I was even going to be able to go.

At 1 hour we piled into cars and headed off. Fifty minutes of riding shotgun with Moby blaring and my head about to explode left me reeling. I was scared, plain and simple, and that's something I'd never experienced on acid with such force and tenacity. In over 300 experiences with LSD, at no time had I felt so meaningless and helpless or even a hint at the darkness stalking my thoughts at the time. Having had several experiences
at around the 800mcg dose, I would estimate my dose that day at 1-1.5mg. Yes, milli, not micro.

We piled out of the cars and encountered another group of people, one of whom had a yappy little dog. I just could *not* deal and yet had no idea of how to get away.

As soon as we were away from the cars, I pulled Y aside and we ran backcountry up the mountain (*NOTE* this is a mountain I know well. I do *not* recommend charging off the trail while psychonavigating without knowing the area intimately). I very much needed to race thru the woods, away from people, breathing good air, and sharing a sacred place. The rest of the group finally met up with us at the summit.

I rested and became absorbed in my own thoughts. Thoughts of having spent high school nights just sitting and meditating on the very rocks we were now on. Thoughts of friends who've come and gone; what makes a friend worth keeping, worth making an effort to maintain the friendship for years and years? Why do these people bother with me? These rocks have known many, many people. Does it matter that any of us are here now?

I started getting agitated over nothing and everything. I had peaked on the peak and now, riding home down off the mountain was a physical analogy of what was happening in my mind. I was coming down and sinking in. Very little was said on the way home. By the time we got there, I was in a exageratedly negative frame of mind. I retired to the bedroom and sulked. Within minutes all of my energies seemed to be turned into sadness and I could do nothing but sob. For over a half an hour I cried uncontrollably, screaming into my pillow and terrified by my own thoughts.

Jetsam was with me almost the entire time and her presence was a blessing. After almost an hour away from everyone, I started to regain my composure. I knew that the overall group vibe was high and in good spirits and that Jetsam wanted to let loose that night. To that end, I didn't want to be a stick-in-the-mud in the mood I was in and agreed we'd both do MDMA. While I hinted at wanting us to stay close together that night due to my sense of fragility, I didn't make it unquestionably clear.

I ate lightly and then popped 75mg to start. About an hour and a half after taking it, I was feeling something, but very light. Jetsam *didn't* stay close; in fact, she deliberately escaped my dark presence as often as
she could and pushed her own envelope of consumption, nekkidness, and interpersonal relationships. A few things happened which took my already squished ego and put it in a blender. My head was spinning. I felt like I was sinking fast in quicksand and everyone around me was standing on the bank laughing and dancing and no one was trying to help me out. I kept moving from room to room but found solace nowhere. My very soulmate seemed to have lost all contact with my soul. Thoughts were bubbling over one another faster than I could process them, until one stuck: do enough MDMA to not care and to erase further memory of the evening. So I swallowed another 125mg (anything over 150 generally disrupts my memory). It worked. I don't remember many details of the rest of the night. I remember events and little snippets, exceptionally special moments and horrifyingly dark ones, but putting them together sequentially and meaningfully is perplexing.

I do remember continuing to boost with 50mg insuffilated every 90 minutes or so at least 3 times. The rush and quick onset of this method of delivery was inspiring!

Dawn found me alone, as it often does. Lots of time to contemplate it all, to try to digest it without spinning right back into it. I never slept that day.

It took me over 2 weeks to process that zoom enough that my palms didn't sweat and I didn't get the shakes while talking about it. I'm typing this up 2 months later and I still get jittery thinking about it. Some of the music from that afternoon and evening instantly agitates me within the first 2 measures. I wonder how long it will take to fade.


Epilogue:

* Don't keep chugging unknown quantities of substances... work up slowly.
* When you do enter the darkness, _clearly_ (as possible) indicate to another person where you are.
* If someone tells you they're having trouble, respect it and assume that they're probably in a worse spot than they're letting on.
* There is such a thing as too much.

Be careful out there.

Exp Year: 2000	ExpID: 1842
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jun 14, 2000	Views: 37,784
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Pharms - Bupropion (87), MDMA (3), LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Bad Trips (6), Difficult Experiences (5), Combinations (3), General (1)