DOSE:

repeated

oral

MDMA

(pill / tablet)

BODY WEIGHT:

110 lb

I was a shy, introverted, socially immature 19-year-old with limited drug experience when I moved to Orlando, FL. At this time, I think I had only drank and smoked weed. It was my first time away from home, and a chance to leave behind the reputation I gained in my close-minded suburban Massachusetts town. A chance to start anew, to reinvent myself. So I took liberties, and I took risks. First came LSD, which began to break down my Wall (thank you Pink Floyd) and free my perspective on things. Eventually, after having some myths dispelled and hearing some experiences, I decided I would try E.

Here comes the cliche part. That first experience changed me forever. That's the beautiful thing, even now I can reach back into my memory and retrieve what it felt like, remember all the revelations from that night I swore I'd never forget. Transpersonal Psychology is primarily based on the concept of unity, and for me the feeling of unity is the most valuable thing E gave me. All my powerful but fragile social inadequacy programming began to disintegrate that night, and I began to open up and be the real me I never knew before. I realize that a lot of this didn't actually come from the substance, but rather the substance was a key that unlocked a door. Unfortunately, I kept on turning the key even after the door was unlocked.

Don't get me wrong, I still learned a lot from my experiences following my first time, but I really was chasing something I had already caught. In the weeks following that first, my use steadily increased and a group of rolling friends formed a very strong bond. Some might say that the bond was based on the drug, but this group of people were already very cool to begin with. Once again, the drug just acted as a catalyst. It's just a chemical after all. One thing I learned from drugs in general, not just E, is that it's always about the experience, never about the chemical. As my use got worse, shitty things started to happen around me. People started doing drug deals in my home, my apartment was broken into and things were stolen, people OD'd and went to the hospital, people went to jail, etc. etc....

I'd say at the lowest point, I was sort of delusional. I saw all these things happening, but I was powerless to do anything about it. All I could think about was how fucking good it felt to roll. Finally, some friends metaphorically knocked some sense into me and I changed my routine. My use was still creating financial and health problems, but most of the badness left once I got my use going steadily once a week. Sometimes I'd take E alone and meditate, listening to music or lying in bed in the dark. I tried E in many different situations and settings, with many different kinds of people. A few times I tried some ketamine, nitrous, maybe some other drug while rolling. I don't really think I thought much about what I was learning at the time, but later when I stopped using I had plenty of time to reflect. I still haven't sorted out all my experiences, and maybe I never will. It's hard to convey the gravity of this period of my life, but I can say this. Two years in Florida, from 2000 to 2002, were more intense, fulfilling, crazy, gratifying, emotional, etc. than the rest of my life put together. The ultimate rollercoaster ride.

Eventually, my trust fund was depleted, I'd flunked out of school, my apartment was trashed, most of my friends had moved on to other areas and pursuits, and I was just simply sick and tired. I went to rehab, stayed sober for 5 and 1/2 months, went out and rolled a few more times, and now I've moved back to Massachusetts. I'm not completely sober right now, but I haven't done E in almost 6 months and I want to keep it that way for ahwhile. Looking back, I don't regret a thing. I love my life and I firmly believe that everything that's supposed to happen does. We have free will, but the universe will throw things at us until we learn the lessons we need to learn, no matter how many tries it takes, sort of like 'loose destiny.'

Now, I'll try to sum up what I've learned from my experiences, but naturally some things can't be put into words. I've learned that at some level, everything and everyone is all part of the same thing. I've learned that life is full of illusions. I've learned that people really do like the real me, and hence I've learned to love myself and be myself. I've learned that love is the most powerful force in the universe, and I've learned to love everyone unconditionally. I've learned that balance is needed, that moderation in everything must be maintained or you will lose control. I've learned that drugs can be useful tools or the bane of your existence. I've learned that what I've learned can and should be learned without drugs. I've learned that meditation, yoga, and spirituality far exceed the benefits from a drug high, but it's just not the same. I've learned that once you unlock the door, you don't need to keep turning the key. I've learned that the more you think you know, the less you really do know. I've learned a whole lot more that I'm not really able to say here, but I wish I could. Finally, I've learned that I have much to learn.

It's worth the cost of a testing kit, it's worth waiting until the time is right, it's worth doing research.

Peace, love, unity, respect, your mileage may vary, the map is not the territory, we're not in Kansas anymore, around us, the jungle, ahead of us, the secret, he who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man, and if the band you're in starts playing different tunes, I'll see you on the dark side of the moon. End transmission--

Exp Year: 2002	ExpID: 19725
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Sep 11, 2005	Views: 6,369
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MDMA (3) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Various (28)