DOSE:

repeated

smoked

Cocaine

(freebase)

BODY WEIGHT:

120 lb

I met my best friend when we were both 12. I am now 36. So we've been friends for more than 24 years, more like sisters. We shared everything, good and bad times. I think I was the closest person to her (and she to me) for most of these years. We experienced many drugs together. But crack was an entirely different experience.

In December of 2001, I went to a movie with another friend and came back home to find her in my kitchen, with some guy I never met. (She's such a big friend, my mother lent her my key.) She was so excited, telling me I 'have to try this' repeatedly. My movie friend didn't expect for us to have company and had never met her. Being the shy type, he left two minutes later (more like ran away!). We all moved back to the stove and that 'thing I had to try'. I couldn't clearly see what it was since that guy was tall and blocked my view, but since it was obviously a surprise I let them do their thing. They were cooking up crack.

I had tried coke before and had been on it hard for a year and a half, then completely stopped. For some weird reason, I was never addicted to it, even though I loved it. I could be weeks without it, then some fun night out was planned and I would have some. And when I quit, I did it overnight with no 'crashing' or depression. Just stopped and never looked back. But I never had crack.

I remember that first hit, it was so magical. Like a bubble wrapping itself over me, engulfing my whole body. Sounds and everything material around me faded. I felt so good, mind clear, at peace, that perfect peace feeling. I felt life should be like this, that all worries, all pains, were gone and had no hold on me anymore. Crack appeals very much to people who have been hurt. My friend told me that she had only tried thrice before, with that guy. At that time I belived her, now I'm not so sure.

And so started the ongoing circle of getting some, doing some, coming down, wanting some more, etc. I was amazed at how greedy she was to have some. We could at first get by on half-gram each for one night (about $40 each). She would bring it here with that guy. I saw him three times. But seems he ran a bill of around $2,000 with his dealer and couldn't pay back, got a 'visit' and we didn't see him for many months. He got beat up pretty bad I heard AND had to repay. Then, we started to drive up directly to the dealer (the other guy's dealer actually, the one he cheated out of the money) and made friends with him. We would stay there and smoke some pipes, or we would go at my friend's and smoke some, or go to my place and have some. The half-gram quickly turned to two grams minimum for my friend ($140 approx.--I would be fine with the half-gram). Eventually, we would always smoke when together. She wasn't interested in anything anymore. She got hit really bad by crack (I later learned she eventually ran a bill of $2,000 herself), had huge cravings. If early in the morning, I felt like calling it a night and go to bed, she could not.

At the time her relationship was in trouble (had been before, nothing new) so I put her weird behavior on account of trouble at home. I even made the mistake of thinking crack was helping to relieve her from all the stress. But I was wrong, it only created more. At first we would experience a great buzz, talking into early morning. It's especially then that I thought this was helping her, by letting her vent all those things bottled up inside for so long. But all that talk was never converted to action. Only empty words. Then things got weird. My friend started to imagine people hidding in her house, or in mine. There were 'cameras' in the vent over the stove... She once took apart the fan in my bathroom to inspect it for 'safety reasons' (her words). Unknown to me, she would go to the dealer two or three times at night to wake him up and have some more (when she told me she was going home to sleep). She's a very attractive girl and used this to get some. So she had sex with the dealer for crack. She started to lie, borrow money from me, steal money from her live-in boyfriend, forged checks. He finally had enough and left her. She would steal Dilaudid from my mother (who is very sick) and resell them to have more. She went to rehab in July, only to leave after three weeks, with one of the employees of the center (he lost his position over that--I already told you she's very pretty).

Of course she called me back quickly. She was so happy to be out, said she really needed a pipe, that she was so stressed. There we go again. She would binge (smoke crack) for days, without sleeping, and then she would be totally wrecked, nothing like the beautiful girl she was. (She was alone when she did this, in her garage. Sometimes she would call me around 3:00am because she was lonely--she said--but really so that I would buy some with her.) She would swear it was the last time. That she only wanted to do 'one more since it was the last one'... She came to my place once. I went to the bathroom for about two minutes, and when I walked out she was shooting herself...

Eventually, she got so weird and paranoid, she would start screaming for the slightest disagreement, and I mean scream. She thought the tv was spying on her and wanted to take it apart. She would take a knife and tour her house, convinced there was an intruder (scared the shit out of me). She once ODed on me, having convulsions and practically stopped breathing. This lasted about two minutes, then she came to, only to turn on me like she didn't recognize me anymore, and completely trashed my apartment. I saw her run like hell straight at a wall and not even slowing down she crashed into it... She threw a metal chair at me (real heavy too) and a big ashtray that finally lended on the tv!! There is a nick in the glass to prove it (I'm amazed the screen didn't explode!) When she came to she had no memories of this. And you should have seen how bruised she was the next day!

That last straw came when her new boyfriend (the rehab center guy who came and lived with her) started to accuse me of being responsible for this. He said he would call the police on me if I showed there again or if I called. Then he called my friend's sister and told her all sorts of lies on me (that he honestly believed I think) and she called my place too and threatened me with the police. That did it for me. My friend had been blaming all of this on me, all this time, when she very well knows she's the one who started all this madness and she's the one who really went overboard with this. I called her back, and told her this was it, I would not give her rides to her dealer, would not smoke with her anymore, and not to use me anymore as an excuse to her boyfriend and family.

I have not heard from her for two weeks now. Someone told me she's starting to sell pills and pot. Seems her family is helping her out by paying some of her debts. She has lost her job. She cannot drive her car since she cannot pay for insurance. She's about to loose her home. She's been told by social services that her daughter will be taken away if her addiction is not dealt with. She has that bill to pay back at the dealer and I know he is about to give her address to some other guys... And she has lost her best friend. And I miss her very much, but I'm afraid she will never come back.

P.S. Maybe you are wondering about me? Yes I continue using, but only about a quarter-gram every other day, practically nothing. And eventually I will completely stop. And yes I am very depressed these days, I think I lived through a lot this past year. But I am nowhere near loosing my kids or my apartment, I don't owe a dime to any dealer, I have not been seized, and have pawned nothing. And I don't walk around my place thinking the tv is looking at me. Why this difference? I don't react the same to cocaine I think. Remember how easy it was for me when I stopped the first time? My friend on the other hand reacted very strongly, but she used to shoot up with all kind of substances before (she's a nurse), so it may have been a reaction to some other drug she took.

If you have it in you, send a prayer for her.
Peace be with you.

Exp Year: 2002	ExpID: 19904
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Sep 12, 2005	Views: 67,051
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Crack (82) : Relationships (44), Addiction & Habituation (10), Various (28)