DOSE:	1.5 g	smoked	Cannabis	(plant material)
	2 capsls	oral	MDMA	(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

200 lb

My last ecstacy trip was about 2 months ago.

Some background...

I usually take two gelcaps spaced about 1.5 hours apart. The first one gets me through the clubs where the trip is ho hum and I am surrounded by the alcohol saturated macho monkey men and their plastic dolls on leashes. Occasionally I will meet someone I can talk to. Mostly I dance and keep to myself. Cue club closing time at 2 AM. Me and whoever I came with take off for our after hours of choice where the party is really going to start and everyone is on some sort of drug, a better crowd, chemically temporarily real people. Fresh air in a dark basement. Love and acceptance. I am at home for several precious precious hours.

The night in question...

After a wretched houseparty we get back downtown. It is time to take my E and head to the afterhours where I can enjoy myself. Because I am starting late, I take both E's at once. I am still really really really stoned.

Most of the night is a blur. I remember looking for a place to throw up. Somebody is getting a blowjob in the only stall in the mens room. All the stalls in the womens room are full. Do I remember scornful glances? I remember sitting amongst people. They are surrounding me. I am the center of attention. I can't hold a straight thought in my head. I don't finish sentences before I get distracted and look away. I can't remember names. I alienate people I am talking to. Others are hanging off of my every word. I feel... hmmm... powerful. I have people's attention, an unusual feeling.

I see a very lonely looking man sitting on a couch. He is the only one in the room who is alone. He is thin and pale and is clutching his knees to his chest and rocking back and forth. I wonder if he has AIDS. I sit next to him and look into his eyes. He is startled by me. He has 60 written on his shirt. I ask him why. He says that is his age. He is a university professor. One of his students brought him here. I ponder their relationship. This is his first time on E. He is ice cold to the touch. I get a feeling that this is his first time out of his shell. He has lived a repressed and lonely life for 60 years, and now he is out of his shell in a room full of twenty somtethings in the middle of the night. I love the world.

I meet a 17 year old goth. He has $190 worth of alcohol in his system, he is remarkably cogent. Less than 24 hours ago his mother confessed to him during an argument that she wishes that he had never been born. We talk about suicide. I feel a real connection with him. I feel empathy for him and I want to be his friend. I take him back to the apartment where my friends are probably regrouping at this point.

Back at the apartment it all falls to pieces. I have come down enough to be too awake to fall asleep. I need to go operate a ski lift for 8 hours in the cold in less then 3 hours. I haven't slept in 24 hours. I am watching the ceiling ripple. The goth I brought back to the apartment is a social retard. I am embarassed by him and I want him to leave. My compassion is ebbing. Various powders are passed around. I decline. The goth partakes, although he is new to them. Fool. He isn't safe here. There is no one to look after him. He is among strangers taking drugs he has no experience with. Eventually I walk him to the elevator and the doors close. I never see him again.

I have the worst work shift of my life followed by a good good sleep. I wake up and I am still high, e tarded beyond all belief. I have the second shittiest work shift of my life. I fall asleep. I am still e tarded. 3 days later, can't think straight. One week later, I am still a zombie. Two weeks later, no change. I am starting to panic. Have I fucked myself up for the rest of my life? I smoke pot to alleviate my worries. One night I sit curled up in a ball with a blanket over me in a recliner. I writhe as I feel that I have let a demon into my body. After that I start seeing shadows that disappear when I look at them. They creep along in the corner of my vision. The move on their own. They are malevolent. Am I going schizo? Three weeks later, I am starting to feel a very slight improvement. Hope! One night I walk into the woods alone. The demon is still with me. I am terrified beyond all belief. I stand in a clearing and stare at the moon. I feel like I am surrounded by evil. I feel like I am unsafe. I am afraid that my insanity will envelope me and I will be lost forever. I focus on my body. More and more. I focus on the feelings in my body. My thought stops and my awareness expands. The demon is still there, but now it is incorporeal. Over the next few days it fades and gets weaker. It is losing power. My cohesiveness is returning. Two months later, I am back to normal.

Six months later I have fallen completely out of the scene. I haven't talked to anyone and I don't think that I am missed. I try E again. I go back to the after hours. I feel nothing. My heart is beating fast, I am too warm. All the E symptoms, but I am not high. I am just as sober as ever. The place is artifical. The people are artifical. It was real, but only temporarily. And now from the other side, it looks just as fake as ever.

Exp Year: 2002	ExpID: 21147
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Nov 29, 2005	Views: 9,147
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MDMA (3) : Hangover / Days After (46), General (1), Various (28)