DOSE:	3 joints/cigs	smoked	Cannabis	(plant material)
	repeated	oral	Alcohol	(liquid)
	3 lines	insufflated	Cocaine	(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

185 lb

I always swore I would NEVER snort cocaine. I tried pcp and acid only once for a very good reason: I didn't have control over the drug. My mind seemed to be altered enough to make irrational decisions, and I didn't like not having total control over my own body. E was different, as was shrooms and pot. I think I gauge drugs by my ability to react in an emergency situation. Would I be able to handle calling the cops if I had to? Could I have a coherent conversation with a stranger, or was I incapacitated?

Well, I took a course on Abnormal Psychology, and learned through it that only about 10% of the people who try coke get addicted. All of a sudden, my perception of this evil drug changed to be somewhat acceptable. Not that I'd go out of my way to try it, but it wasn't on my blacklist anymore. It wasn't as invasive or addictive as heroin.

The night started at 8, when a few girls got together. These weren't close friends, but acquaintances I saw on a daily basis. I think everyone needed a drinking binge... and two of us smoked on a fairly regular basis, so I rolled a joint filled with hash and pot and was on my way.

Arriving at one of their houses, I decided that I wanted to smoke the joint before we left, so that I could be outside and 'wake up' before hitting the drink. If I did the opposite, I thought, I would pass out immediately. We hit a couple of different bars, and before I knew it, last call rolled around. Now one of the two girls decided to call it a night (she and I smoked somewhere in between bar #2 and 3) and walked home. So we were down to two. I smoked my last cigarette, though, and immediately regretted that decision. Outside, though, I saw a couple of guys. Me being my rather talkative self, I decided to head over and bum a smoke. The other girl noticed I was chatting them up, so she also left.

Now, I've been know to be a bit permiscuous when it comes to drinking and the opposite sex. I suggested, almost immediately, casual sex. These guys seemed okay with that.

Looking back, I need to question how stupid I was to agree to get into their car without even KNOWING who they were, if they had been drinking, etc. I need to evaluate my situations more carefully. But there's no sense crying over spilled milk. As we were driving, they mentioned that they might do a couple of lines when we got back. Immediately they started trying to justify their actions... that it's not as harsh or addictive as people say... that just because they rail it doesn't mean they're addicts. I just sat there and said 'I know', what with my information from my class and all. It was then that I knew my mind was made up.

'I don't care what you do, but I want to try it too.'
Echos of variations of this sort of statement have been running through my head. I remember making that choice. I had a friend who'd occasionally do 'hard' drugs, however he never became a user, so I guess that also helped me make this decision.

I sat down on the left side of the couch, in an apartment that was sparce and rather cold. It looked like a temporary dwelling. Not a home. So, out came the first three lines. We each did one. I don't think it took long to feel the drug. In less than a minute, I remember my body changing. When I'm on shrooms I tend to disappear into myself. I try to have conversations, but they're often based on internal feelings and thoughts, and clouded with other bizarre happenings around me (dripping figures, sparkling roads, and other mayhem). I remember that I thought, at first, I felt the same way. Then I started talking. I was totally coherent. I felt comfortable with these strangers, and was laughing about how ridiculous this was. I was ready to get laid over and over. I could express my thoughts with no clouded perceptions. I didn't feel very drunk, and we all decided to smoke a joint. The drinking and the pot took a very distant back door to the way I was feeling. I was logical, alive, and very much living for the moment. I felt like I awakened my inner id. There were no rules to follow, only feelings to guide me. I wanted my instant gratification.

These good ol' boys gave me a couple of lines to rail later that night. The sex was okay. I was pleasured by the physical contact, and I loved being caught up in the moment. I knew everything that was happening. I was totally in control. I think that's what scared me so much the next day.

Now I know that I can function after shrooming. I've even moved after a night of rolling, but nothing could get me going the next day. Aside from the physical exhaustion I was experiencing from lack of sleep, I thought my arms were lead ropes... just dangling and heavy. I wanted to stay horizontal all day. I came home, thought showering would help, but someone was occuping the shower already. I just passed out on my bed in the same clothing as last night. I got up at around 4 p.m. and felt like hell. I walked to the corner store and rented a movie. Later I called a friend who did nothing but laugh at me and how strug out I looked.

I lost a contact. I examined myself in the mirror only briefly the next morning. I looked like hell. It was like looking into a mirror and saying 'do you want to see this person staring back at you everyday?' I told my friend that it wasn't unpleasant to be on the drug. I rather liked it. I wasn't euphoric, but I felt so in control of my life at the time... and I said I liked that feeling. I liked chaos subsiding. Luckily I remembered how I looked, and thought about the situation. I doubt I would have done some of what I did if it wasn't for the drugs. I saw the guys wake up the next morning and go to work. One worked later, and he drove me home. I couldn't imagine feeling the way I did and functioning the next day. Then again, I felt that same fatigue on E, but eventually got accoustomed to it.

Do I regret doing it? Not yet. I feel like I can leave it in my past. It was fun, and I liked the way I felt, but nothing was worth waking up to the way I felt the next day. I can see how people could easily get addicted to this drug. Instant contentment, and control in a white powder. Sure, it doesn't last long, and when I look in the mirror, I'm more strung out than I've ever been in my life, and it costs (apparently) a small fortune, but for that momentary glimpse of clarity, I can see how a line could outweigh its consequences.

So in conclusion, I will never do this drug again. I liked it way too much. I felt way too comfortable. Everything was easily under control. That mixed with the feeling of impeding death (I really had issues with moving) the next day was enough to turn me off of cocaine for good.

Exp Year: 2003	ExpID: 22170
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jun 2, 2007	Views: 7,905
[ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
Cocaine (13) : Sex Discussion (14), First Times (2), Small Group (2-9) (17)