DOSE:	1.0 ml	oral	GBL	(capsule)
		oral	Pharms - Clonazepam	(pill / tablet)
		oral	Diphenhydramine	(pill / tablet)
		smoked	Tobacco - Cigarettes

BODY WEIGHT:

130 lb

Some time around August last year I acquired a steady source for liter quantities of gbl. This source was out of the country and the price was good. Since this date we have had a stready supply until now, why? because I am not getting any more...

I have read many great things about gbl and ghb... Prefered gbl myself, As I never got anything out of ghb... Either way... For several months I would use it when I went out, or at night when I was at home, but only in the evenings. Recreationally.

I am not getting any more, because no one informed me and I neglected to read up on the withdrawl symptoms of gbl and ghb...

Most of these I am feeling right now as I write this:
My skin is crawling, feels like little needles all over.
Im sweating a pretty good deal. But that may also have alot to do with my just walking almost a mile and exercizing a little to try to make myself tired, because along with it comes terrible insomnia... I have been up now for the most part of 2 days... I need to sleep, I feel tired or at least like I *should* feel tired. I have actually yawned once. But still sleep does not come.

I have taken many vitamins and had some tea (mostly for the sore throat I have right now from god knows what)... Smoked quite a bit, could be from that? I practically chain smoke when I am on gbl... However I have been sitting here now for a half hour and actually put out the last one before it was done... (I suppose Xian will smoke that one later)...

Xian sat down and looked up a great number of these symptoms some where they say to treat them certain things and others that say other things... It just does not seem like there has been enough research on what all these things do to make an edjucated guess... So I suppose I am just going to have to wing it...

Lets see, back to the list...
My vision is fluttery, around the edges things seem out of place and distorted...
A very dizzy feeling. Not quite neauseating but damned close.
It is a little chilly in this room but it feels like its much colder which would lead me to believe that I'm clammy or that perhaps my body temp is irregular.
My heart is pounding quite fast or at least it feels like it is...

I took 1 double zero gel cap at about 4:30am sitting on the couch talking to Xian. It had to the point of unbearability... Its about 7:30am right now and before that I had take my last at 11:30pm and gone and laid down...

I am having to correct alot of the typing here over and over cause my hands are shaking so badly... At least looking at the screen is not impossible any more, about 3am or so after having not taken a cap for about 3.5 hours or so Xian came out and I told him how I was feeling. He agreed that was what it felt like more or less...

I am determined to quit this, I want this feeling to go away worse than I want to take more, cause it will run out eventually. Not to mention the fun in taking it is gone, only the reassurance that I wont freak out is left. Its been 3 hours since I took the last cap. Trying to ease off of this with out going completely nuts, I can not afford to miss work or hell even let them know for that matter... I have a new system to get together for one of the interns that is starting on monday. It's Thusday right now 7:33am and there are few precious days to get these things at work together and as I am the only one there that can do it... This presents a problem...

Had to make the window a little smaller the screen is starting to be very hard to look at, perhaps I can type while looking at the key board instead of the screen for a littlle bit. - but iM sure that its obvious that Its not helping much either....

There is most certainly some thing wrong with the way that my sight is working colors are off, pure white seems kind of dirty like there is a film over it... If I misfocus my eyes as you would in the way that you would look far off into the distance I see wavey almost smoke like patterns.

As I Said I was taking gbl on a recreational level, which eventually turned into the daily evening activity... After a couple months of this the times that I would take my first dose grew closer and closer to the time that I would wake up, untill about New Years or perhaps a little later than that where the times pretty much met up... I would wake up, sit down at the computer to check my email and messages with a glass of tea or cup of coffee and make a couple caps and wash them down...

Well I noticed and of course didnt think anything of it at first, but I did realize that I can go out of the house by myself and run errands, which I could not ever really do before... With the confidince that gbl gave me this was ok... Then its started to dawn on my here in the last couple weeks... Im hardly sleeping... Im not in the greatest of moods all the time and Im taking a cap ever hour from the time I get up till when the hell ever I would pass out...

What do I look like now, a complete wreck... Amtrak derailed... I can hardly walk around my own house without feeling as if Im going to fall down... I feel nominal for a second and then a wave like a panic attack comes over me so quickly there is no bracing for it.

I want this feeling gone, and I want it gone ASAP... I am not going to be ordering this shit for myself or any one else ever again... I suppose I owe Shannon an apology, not so much that things were stolen and that is why she left... But that I never did understand what she was going thru when she was talking about having panic attacks cause shes always been a little off... But if what she was suffering was anything like this. I have to say that I am very very very sorry. I wish only that she had realized that it was not the gbl fixing it, but that the gbl was now causing it by not being in her system. This may have solved alot of things... I full well intend to send this letter to her, and every one else there once it is finished.

I suppose every one can say that they have had their problems with things, addiction, whatever. But something that makes me feel like this after prolonged use really has me scared. I am completely paranoid right now... Sounds dont sound like they are comming from where they are comming, across the room or right next to me... Im in my own home right now and I am safe I know, I have good friends here and I know that they arent going to let anything happen to me... But still with every car that drives by outside every scratch of the cats claws on the couch i flinch or notice... Things sound off, odd and muffled... I can honestly say that I have never experienced anything this completely awful before in my entire life... I believe however that because I can look at it like this that I will win over it... 7:52am

Back from the bath room for the 8 millionth time, drinking so much water cause my throat hurts and is so raw. I have to pee every 15 minutes... The walk from my office is about 150ft to the bathroom... A dizzy disorienting 150ft I might add...

Stand up, my skin is burning, tingles and Im shaking uncontrollably all over... This is really starting to get pretty hard to type...

Put on a long sleave shirt to see if it really is chilly or just me shaking... Just me I think...

The panic has nearly wore off I think... Tho I can tell that things would still make me quite anxious over all... This last month or so has taught me a serious serious lesson... Read, research, more reading, more researching, but from ALL angles from the good and the bad... Why do the people who say something is good say it and why do the people who say its bad say it.

As far as I know gbl stays in ones system for about 4 hours. I have read many places that the dt's from it last from a day to a couple of weeks... I am really hoping for no more than a day of this... I dont think I could take it... Not at least without some sleep soon... My eyes burning and heavy, but my hearts still racing and Im shaking like crazy still... Lay down to no avail... Still wide eyed...

But this writting has keept my hand busy and my mind off it, cause as I stop typing the shaking gets worse and I tremble... This is truely horrible...

The cough is getting worse, i have smoked a 1/2 pack of non-filter camels since 11:00pm and now I have not had one in over 30 minutes or so... Im not really sure would have to go back and look... Still had not told my girlfriend that I was going to do this, I think perhaps she suspected but I dont know... She will have to get up for work here in about an hour or so, I was going to go wake her up just before the alarm goes off so she does not end up suprising me and get upset...

8:33am just took 1/2 of 1mg of Klamzapam as suggested by a couple sites, makes sence with all the stuff that Xian found... I took 1/2 so as not to over do it and may take the other half later but will give it 30 minutes to 45 minutes to see if that helps...

9:00am. Laid down on the couch close my eyes its like im having waking dreams, dreams so noisey they wont let me get to sleep to see them completely... Looked like slap stick any way I dont like slap stick

The Klamazapam seems to be working, glad i only took one half... Will last longer that way, just need to get some rest now... My skin still feels crawly and burning. But Im more functional now. Not sooo dizzy but still from time to time... Wow I just yawned again... My eyes are still heavy, but is it because my body and brain are gonna give up and crash out here shortly... I am expecting either a VERY long sleep or a particularly short one when I do fall asleep, when ever that might be.

Laying on the couch admidst lots of soft pillows and blankets prooved comfortable, I think I will lay back down in that spot again in a few minutes... Wondering if a Tylenol PM will help, according to research gbl/ghb dt's are pretty hardy when it comes to stuff to know you out, Bynadril, Tylenol PM... But perhaps its been almost an hour now over the 4 hour mark. I did NOT take another cap, its still sitting here on my table untouched. Security blanket? You bet your ass... My grandfather had stopped smoking some many many years before i was born and he still carried his last pack of Lucky's in his top pocket in his jacket... Just to know there were there.

Wow, was not looking for the boss to Aim me at 9:00am wanting to know something about how work stuff is going... Oh god... But the conversation went smoothly and he is pleased with the progress... Level headedness thanks to Rx's save my ass...

Any way, my eyes are still burning, but there is too much loud shit in my head right now, I am just happy that I know what is going on here considering I dont really do anything else any more... Just G... And not that any more - Not after this days/nights worth of feeling like I wanted to die... And not at all to mention that Im well over the 24 hour mark. I suspect that I will completely pass out for HOURS when I do and I will be SOOOOO greataful for my first full sleep in almost 3 months... From 6 to 5 hours a night to 4 then to 3 and the last couple days I have not been able to sleep or for more than an hour or two at most at a time, tho I was so completely tired... Was up 2 hours later feeling like complete crap, and turn right around pop a couple caps to wake me back up...

I suppose it could have been H / Coke or something worse... But I dont think at this rate Ill ever make it there...

Im done with my Turning On Tuneing In and Burning Out... Many great words came out of Paul the other night... I suppose weather he thought I was listeing or not, I was... I listen I did... Not even listen... I *Heard*... I suppose had I not taken into consideration what he had to say about the things that we were talking about I would have done all this untill I had completely run out and would have had to go this completely cold which I dont think I could have done...

9:30am Still sitting here... Chilling in here, oh wait thats still me, skin still burny, not so shakey any more. And the visial wierdness seems to be wearing off... Gonna go lay down and hope for sleep here... Perhaps Ill be right back once again.

The Klamazapam seems to be working quite well tho, with all the other issues. Now I just need to shut up the semi_visual wierdness that happens when i close my eyes... I can feel sleep creaping up but its pushed back by the noise, almost white, too many voices and talkings all at once. Its just a little too much, a little too overwhelming...

I hope I do get to fall asleep before the Klamazapam wears off I dont know how long the 1mg ones last and I split it up over a 1 hour period.

I do feel very dim, and tired, i suppose after several nights of as little or less than 3 hours will takes its toll... See, after I have taken gbl for so long and you go to sleep, I am on it when I fall asleep, well as soon as it wears off anywhere from 1 to 4 hours I pop wide awake cause my body wants more and starts doing to me all of what I am describing...

Took one more Tylenol PM, just the single cap left on one of the previously opened ones... Perhaps this combo will allow to zip away from awake land for at least a little while.

Just woke up, its 2:00pm right now, I do believe that I woke actually at 1:45pm just a few minutes ago... I feel like I have slept, just not very well... Not like I want to trade this for any other crap that might have reprocussions later, but the Klamazapam really did help, gave me calm where the was none at all... Im going to wait now too see how well this goes today, to see if Im going to start getting stressed out and what that does... Will it bring back the Dt's? Some one snaps at me or cuts me off driving? Will I be ok? How long will it take to get that far, back to the level of where I do not really care, where at one point I would have just blown it off...

Either way, 2:10pm after about 4 hours of sleep, sleep that actually feels like sleep, I woke up sweaty, my shirt was drenched. Got up... No dizzys too much and my head still feels a little fuzzy over all... But that could also be due to my just having woken up and not taken any caps which is ussually my first round, was yesterday and the day before that for a couple months... Habits within habits within habits...

I am glad that I am keeping this written journal, I am not a writer by any means, so please dont look at this like some kinda documentary... I simply have a story that I think needs to be told cause I have not seen enough of them, not enough that went into enough detail to have discouraged me from getting carried away with it. There also was not alot of negative research that matched up... Seems that everyone agrees on what gbl/ghb does to your mind and body, but not the implications that you must face for becoming a regular user. Which judging by my personality which is generally non-addictive I can typically use most things recreationally without falling into a pattern... Or I will burn myself out on something from excessive consecutive use that I dont want to do that something again, if not at least for a while, then ever...

I never did take the cap from 8:30am instead I took the Klamazapam and that seemed to have calmed me down to the point that I was actually able to get some sleep... The still full cap is sitting on my desk right here, untouched...

Looking back at this morning I am so very glad that I chose to do this when I did, no stress here, every one was asleep, no motion all the time... Just the cats walking by would send my pulse thru the cieling to the point I ran them all into the living room and closed the door so they would leave me alone...

2:30pm Now I just feel like I have been hit by a bus, my arms and legs are sore, not just from walking as much as I did, but just generally achy all over. Im still fuzzy in the head, and of course (I think unrelated my throat still hurts, but does seem to be getting a little better) I need some kinda cough syrup, that would help alot as my throat is really dry and raw and it hurts to swollow... Could be allergies, could be who knows...

I think that its pretty obvious that I need to sleep some more, but Im pretty awake now, just fuzzy in the head which Im sure is the combo of just up and quitting and also not having been getting any good sleep for the last several weeks.

I still have some work to do here for the office, systems to set up etc...

Any way, back a little farther, I think some time last week I ran out of gbl, still knew some people who had some that would prolly give me a little to ween myself off with... I am grateful for this, but I have to say I was in panic mode at the time having just run out I asked my girlfriend for a Xanex or something , which she gave to me, I had taken a 4bar already and it had seemed to do nothing to curb the overwhelming panic, so I believe it completely shut down my memory or something because there is a great deal of Friday that I do no even remember... Which is a whole different story all together.

Fortunately this time, there was much less goings on here and I kinda knew what I was running into so I could look at it from the perspective of that No. Im not really having a panic attack, take some gbl, all better... But that it was the gbl itself that had started to cause the dependancy.

I would have to say to any one out there that I have had some of greatest times out with gbl, fun at clubs, its no wonder they call the stuff 'liquid-ecstacy' which I have never actually refered to it as but Im sure that some one out there has/does...

I would have to say also that gbl on a restricted recreational level is completely bad ass... No hangovers, no Dt's from just a weekends use out at a club... But that is exactly what got me into the situation where I started taking it on a nightly, then daily, then ALL day... Then you need to quit and will have to deal with some of the most horrible shit I can think off... Sitting in the floor shaking and twitching in a fetal position just wanting the noise to go away, waiting for the sleep to catch up with me... I think I will be able to have fully recovered when I can sleep a full 7 or 8 hours again (my normal sleeping time)...

Just noticed that colors are still not looking quite right , blotchy and what not... My skin is still a little crawly, burny. Still fuzzy in the head...

Just thinking about it on the way back to my office after grabbing a cup of coffee, but you know it makes me kinda sad that something that once looked like the perfect drug... And still could be I suppose, but prolly not for me for some time has such a scary suprise at the end for those who use it on a frequent basis... Alcohol Dt's Im not even sure how long those last, but I have heard them compared to what I was feeling just this morning and last night...

Gbl is interesting is that all the greatness you get out if it at first then changes, like a Jekyl and Hyde then after a certain point, I would have to say once it goes beyond a 'weekenders' drug, then i starts to rear its ugly head... Kept regulated by a smart individual with all the knowledge and information on it, this could very well be done without a problem I believe.

Now I suppose I feel like a complete dunce as I am always the person telling others to be careful with it, watch how much they take... I dont even want to be around it myself anymore... Not gonna care if someone around me does... I would to get back the point that it was a weekend use thing and just stop it right there... But obviously that didnt happen the first time, and they do say that history repeats itself...

Figure Ill just put it off for a while... Hide it somewhere so that may be down the road I can once again use it recreationally. Rations are a good thing... Save it for some special occasion. The self regulation of it comes after its too later. So not getting to that points seems to be my best advice. Used correctly gbl is great. I obviously like it way too much for my own good...

So far as I can tell by the times that i have been looking at the hardest withdrawal from extensive gbl use lasts about 12 or more hours... This like Klamazapam helped me a GREAT deal... I got some sleep with that and a couple Tylenol PM... About 4 hours or so... I woke up just wanting for the waves to hit me again and they did not...

Its about 9:00pm now, almost 24 hours since I decided that I was going to quit. Things still seem a little odd there and there and of course there is the instinct to fill up a cap and i catch myself before my hand reaches for the bottle.

I am no doctor mind you, but I can stay this... I have personally seen more people fall out (g-out) in clubs and out places for obvious misuse of the drug itself... More so that I have seen people go through massive witdrawlas.. But still nonetheless its all about education and if people you know are interested in going some thing, either friends of a younger person in your family... Please look at it from both side... Dont listen to media hype, they really dont know what they are talking about because there are no firm studies to confirm these things...

This that you are reading I have written over the course of the 24 hour period that I decided to stop taking it after several months of daily use...

Im sure that this comes as a shock or perhaps not to the people who I and others I know have advocated how wonderful the stuff is, and in small ammounts it is indeed... But flowing down the line, you are like the king that chases the sunset, never to reach it.

So far so good...

05-09-2003 7:45am Just woke up... Im not completely sure what time i went to sleep last night I just remember getting up and going into my room laying down and the lights were out... I think it could been no later than 10:00pm which would mean that this is the first night that I have slept for more that 8 hours... In... Several months...

05-10-2003 9:21pm Slept 9 hours last night... I think I woke up around 1:30pm today or so... I have eaten and earlier I did take two caps to take off the edge... Xian and I went to work, got alot done with the computers there, was there for quite a while. Stopped by my girlfriends work and to see a friend who had started working at a pizza place next to where she works... Being able to get out and around and do things again is good, where at a point there I would not leave the house, convinced that the reason that I could not was because of terrible panic attacks that I would have.

It seems to me now that the panic was due to the gbl after taking it for so long, I seem to have convinced myself that I would have these attacks when in fact I would not if it had not been for the seriously massive ammount of gbl that I had been taking.

I suppose it was about 5ish when I took the couple caps that I mentioned earlier, they lasted a good while and we drove around did alot today, just goofing off. Got food and went to a couple stores... Nothing too exciting... Its about 9:30pm now and I just took another 1/2 of a Klamazapam... Feeling ok... A little tired from all the days activity...

Either way, there is a leason to be learned in it all... Talked to Randy about things... He said that he did not think that I owed Shannon any kind of appology. He said basically that she knows herself and how she deals with drugs... She has been addicted to many things many times... Get addicted once to something shame on you... But again and again she does the same things... For attention... For self loathing... It does not matter. Its still the same thing over and over again and I think there are two ways to look at drug use... One the occasional recreational user... Then there is the life style... I would prefer to be in the first catagory... Not in the latter with Shannon and a few unmentioned others.
So I can kind of see his point of view...

I can count a good number of cases where drugs and situations revolving around such have caused the loss of friends, I pity them... When the level of one friendship depends on the ready availability of drugs, I really believe thats about where the friendship should end... Sorry... But I have much high expectations of myself, my life and the people I hold dear to me, which at this point I dont even need my toes to count...

It looks like other people I know are heading that way too. Some that have been down that road once, or once too many times already... Shea would turn over in his grave if he were not ashes in the lawn of Paradise right now.

I miss Shea...
I miss my mother and my grandparents...
I miss all the friends I dont have any more because of various things...

I dont want any one to miss me...
Not that way...

I think Paul is right...
Sometimes people just need to know when to slow down...
All humility aside, I believe him to be correct.

Exp Year: 2003	ExpID: 23693
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: May 13, 2003	Views: 29,323
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GBL (89) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Difficult Experiences (5), Addiction & Habituation (10), Not Applicable (38)