DOSE:

repeated

insufflated

Methamphetamine

(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

160 lb

Don't consider myself an 'addictive personality,' however, the 'Spirit' of Crystal Meth struck me immediately -- because very soon after taking my first sniff. I recall realizing that I totally wanted some more! The stuff has a way of making me think I need to do some more. and then some more. In contrast to LSD, for example, whenever I was having a great trip, I had never experienced any unreasonable or motivating impulse to do more acid!

For me, fortunately, my life generally set limits on my financial ability to go off any deep ends, and for a number of years (seven, since I began) I managed to keep my consumption in check. One primary reason, is that I always thought, 'damn if I am going to pay for stuff & use it during an eight-hour-day, and work my tail off for no extra money!' Towards the end, however, the Spirit grew stronger than my willingness to resist, and I spent a good year in excess consumption. What a waste. Although I liked it a lot.

I view ANY substance as having a 'spirit' of it's own - for me, meth was patient and patient, and snuck up on me and won over me, eventually. On the other hand, three years since having touched the stuff, I find myself left without any trace of any creative 'oomph,' which thought I always had thru my life -- which had been, extraordinarily, enjoyably, enhanced, by crystal meth. My reason for 'using.' A friend said, 'hey! you gotta meet this girl -- she actually does things -- instead of just sitting around and picking on her face.'

I enjoyed meth because I love doing things, making things, building things, painting things -- crystal enabled me to increase my output/enjoyment to an extreme. Whatever 'artist' I had within me, I was motivated to really be! A whole lot!

Since I've quit -- I've been staggeringly depressed, either as a result of quitting cold-turkey, or because thru the past three years, four members of my beloved family died, I was evicted, I left my successful self-employment to care for my elderly mom, until she, too, passed away..

None of all of that was necessarily a result of my using -- however, intellectually, reflectively, so many questions arise, especially because it had grown so important to me, on a daily basis.

Primarily, I find no desire to do much of ANYTHING, anymore. After all -- none of anything in my life has added up to much of anything -- whatever I did. There are many more life-realizations that I won't go into -- suffice it to say, that I cannot entirely attribute recent downturn of live events as effects of any 'use.'

On the other hand, could my use have destroyed my initiative and/or creativity? Life itself can do that, just as well. I'm 50 years old -- I don't generally feel as 'enthusiastic' as I once did. Especially, having recently realized so many disappointments and disillusionments.

So, lately, having nothing but time on my hands to reflect, realizing that I would take up my use again, without hesitation, if I could find any -- it also seems 'rational' to me that at 50 yrs old, maybe I would rather live a shorter, more 'productive' life, than spending any remaining years as an unenergetic 'lump' of aging flesh.

So, there's the rub. To be, or not to be, as long as I might otherwise be able to.

Sooner or later, my demise shall arrive. I am still healthy, but having spent the past three years as a clean, uninspired 'couch potato,' doesn't seem to hold any long term satisfaction -- compared to shortening my time of life and 'using,' however feeling more satisfied and 'motivated' to create 'output.!' I could just 'hang in there,' avoiding unhealthy indulgences, bored to tears as I watch my body deteriorate with age or live a shorter time, more enjoyably and energetically and productively. 'Painting' or 'creating' something until my last moment.

I've read other messages, telling of good reasons not to use -- all good advice -- but I'll bet most of those messages were written by folks 20 to 30 years younger than I am -- I am not looking forward to striving to live thru the next 20 years, growing old and feeble and pathetic and incontinent, etc. etc. My Dad died at the age of 60. I will always remember him as full of life, still. My mother died at age 77 -- in pain and discomfort, for many years, having lived long enough to have surrendered her dignity and self reliance. My older brother died at 47 years old -- always watching his health -- having everything to live for -- postponing his retirement/enjoyment of life -- losing his dreams prematurely. I am now older that my older brother. All in all, the lesson I see, here, is to do what makes me happy! Every day! For as long as I am able.

Crystal meth was something I enjoyed doing, for a while, that 'enhanced' my enjoyment of life. In reflection, I was lucky that my 'using' did not bring me down. Recognizing the strength of its 'spirit,' but it is some thing that I wish I could do, again.

Basically, I wish I could get my hands on some stuff. I've had a wonderful life -- I've been lucky to have been able to have done most of everything I ever wanted to do (before I ever met crystal Meth!). If I were told that I were going to die, soon, truly, I could live with that.

What is causing me concern is the idea of living on and on, for the next twenty years or so, with 'luck,' as my health and my body deteriorates.

People facing imminent demise can 'travel the world,' or whatever, before their time comes. For me, after working 40-hour/weeks for the past thirty years -- only to achieve becoming 50 years old -- and unappreciated, my dream would be to live out my time (feeling like I had the motivation to) go & paint something, build something, create something, do something, the way crystal Meth just made me feel like doing. the way I can't manage to get myself up to feel, lately.

I don't feel like doing much of anything, these days. Can't tell if it's because I 'overdid' a bit in the past, or if it's only natural to feel less energetic at this age. All things considered, I wish I could manage to obtain any kind of pharmaceutical 'assistance,' -- especially in view of children's being prescribed stimulants -- as though that were a good thing to do.

Here am I, a rational, very adult, intelligent human -- able to legally purchase liquor or cigarettes or excessive food -- all detrimental to health -- but unable to legally obtain a bit of something that I would prefer.

Whatta heck-uv-a world!

Ya know, re-reading all that I have just written -- realizing that I've spent over an hour to tell the world at large all about what crystal meth meant to me -- expecially considering that I haven't touched the stuff in over three years -- tells me something about its extraordinary effect upon me -- upon my life -- upon even my thoughts -- 3 years later.!

Exp Year: 2003	ExpID: 24183
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jul 12, 2006	Views: 11,330
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Methamphetamine (37) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Various (28)