DOSE:

repeated

Opiates

BODY WEIGHT:

140 lb

I hate amphetamines. I hate stimulants. I like opiates. I am clinically ad/hd. Yes I do, yes I am. I *love* opiates. Love them. Whenever I find myself in Canada I buy codeine; on the East Coast we got Tylox, Roxicet, Vicodin, Percocet, Roxilox, Oxy, Lortab, H, O, M; on the West Coast, ibid., and whenever I go to the doctor I complain of pain, pain, pain. My test was on Wednesday afternoon. My first drug test. 'Where do you want it?' The nurse asked.

'Excuse me?' (I had a flashback of a hotel room and a woman saying, 'How do you like it?' --I think I replied the same then, too.)

'I have to cut your hair.' (Gee, I wish the woman in in the hotel said that....)

'Oh. well! Anywhere is fine. Tell me about false positives.'

Long pause. Then, 'What do you mean?'

'False positives. Tell me about them.'

'With hair? There are none. Ah, there are none that I *know* of. Not a chance.'

'Okay.' Yeah, right. I know the law and I know the science. And I had ZERO HOURS to prepare for this test. The company hired me on the spot, sent me for a drug test on the way home from the interview. The nurse woman kept talking about Wal*Mart and snipped about a 1/8' diameter from two places right on either side of where a bald spot is not. When this double alfalfa grows out I'm going to look like My Favorite Martian. Do ya think she did that on purpose? I asked to use the toilet. She told me where it was but wanted me to wait, witness, and sign. Wait, witness and sign. I kept touching the spots on my head where she snipped it.

'Are you self-conscious about your hair? It's not noticable.'

'No, it feels like a little cactus.'

She wrapped about 2.5' of my hair in foil, then a special cardboard envelope, then in a plastic bag, then a FedEx mailer. Initial/date at each step. I was looking for another box for the mailer, maybe. Maybe a bigger box, then another. For the next days I was complacent. The funny thing about complacency is that you can never know that you are complacent until After The Fact, Q.E.D. Sure I had not done anything in six weeks; and what I did was all prescription. Oops, the hair test goes back twice as long. Oops, I forgot about the methadone. Two days of further apprehension followed. That bald spot which was not might actually be got. I forgot about the methadone. Oops. I researched the hair test. Now the pins and needles started. What scared the hell out of me is that they liquefy the samples. Therefore the ends of the hair (most washed out) are worth as much as the roots of the hair (less washed out).

Two days of praying. Two days of losing at poker downtown in Vegas. Two days of biting my nails. Hey, I distracted myself by building a crystal radio from scratch. Late afternoon Friday and I just got the call. Clean. (Clean!) Report to work on Monday. I am just so elated, after days of apprension that I have to tell someone --and who am I going to tell? My new employer? My parents? My square friends? I will tell YOU. And hopefully I will help or inspire someone else in a similar situation so they do not have to lose their hair.

EMPIRICAL FACTS (References for unsubstantiated statements avaliable.)

* For the past two to three years prior to the test I ingested or insufflated at least 20mg hydrocodone, oxycodone, and/or codeine at least once/week. Also some Butalbitol in the past two years somewhere.

* Eighteen months prior to the test I ingested approx. 20ml methadone.

* Approximately 60 to 90 days prior to the test I ingested approximately 30ml methadone.

* For six consecutive months prior to the test I insufflated or ingested (mostly ingested) at least 20mg of oxycodone every other day or more. Sometimes it was mixed with acetominophen, sometimes not. My last dosage was exactly 47 days prior to the test. Ya, it was rough living for a week after that but not as bad as quitting smoking, and not I was not such an asshole full of anxiety as when the H runs out. I had a script for Zyban so I ate SR 150mg/day for the next two weeks also.

* In the same 47 day time period I went swimming four times. In the cold Colorado River once, chlorene the remaining three. I showered once, sometimes twice/day, used Suave Salon Formula every day and twice/week White Rain shampoo in addition.

* I applied lemon juice (ya my mom says it lightens your hair) once a week for five weeks preceeding the test, out of luck.

* I have blonde hair (and blue eyes, in case you are wondering. 20-something females feel free to contact me through the publisher. I'm a little flaky but hey. I made a living playing cards until I got this new job.)

* I applied hydrogen peroxide once/week as well, out of luck. Twice a week I laid in the Mojave desert, tanning (out of choice).

* The hair samples they took were between 1.5' and 3' long, snipped about 1/8' (or more) from the scalp.

CONCLUSIONS (some exclusive of others, some inclusive with others)

* Blonde hair, H2O2, Lemon Juice, the shampoo, chlorene, and whatever combination thereof, somehow cleansed my hair.

* They did not test for opiates (doubtful, because 'Opiates' was checked along with Cocaine, Marijuana, etc., etc., on the test forms.)

* The hair test does not go past 45 days.

* While opiates may have been redflagged, they are prescription.

Exp Year: 2003	ExpID: 24475
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jun 12, 2007	Views: 37,793
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Opiates (207), Oxycodone (176), Methadone (166), Drug Testing (59) : General (1), Not Applicable (38)