DOSE:	2 tablets	oral	MDMA
	repeated	oral	Pharms - Bupropion	(daily)

BODY WEIGHT:

160 lb

Trip occurred on Sat Nov 15 2003 - 1st experience.

Ok, this trip report describes what is probably a fairly unusual MDMA experience, and no doubt highly controversial. That is for two reasons: 1) it was used by depressed/suicidal people, and 2) it was used during an SM experience (if you don't know what that is, keep reading) - to most sane people this will be considered unsafe. And those people would be correct. However some of us enjoy taking risks and do not need people telling us how to run our own lives.

Ok, on the subject of depression ... I happen to believe that MDMA provides a much better psychotherapy session than any traditional therapist can possibly ever provide because it removes the anxiety and fear that are typically ever-present in most therapy sessions. No doubt, many readers will disagree with me - I know they will. Nevertheless I stand by my claim based on my own experience which follows:

Ok, so this really good SM friend of mine, J, hooked me up with some MDMA. She happens to be the coolest person on earth, and I knew for sure that I could trust her with providing pure, safe MDMA. And she did - it was very mild and there was no speed effect. I wished I had actually done the experience with J, but she didn't want to for a variety of reasons. I hope to god we get the chance.

But I did have the pleasure of having my first MDMA experience with one of my depressed/suicidal friends (I am as well, BTW). Again, controversy - but whatever. I was sooo looking forward to the experience!

Ok, so we got to the hotel. We were nervous because this is the first time either of us had met in person, although we knew each other from online chats. We chatted nervously about this and that, and a few times contemplated on having a few of her friends come over - she phoned one, but she wasn't there. We had 4 pills, and two people.

So we went for it. We each swallowed our pill. Then for at least 1/2 hour later, still mostly nervous chit chat about whatever. I was starting to get very nervous since this whole meeting was set up for the E experience, and so far we felt nothing.

Until ... BINGO, it hit. First it was the grinning, which most people experience. The feeling of euphoria. Our conversation started to get deeper and more personal, meaningful. It kind of crept up on us. We moved around and got used to sensations, which were altered. I kept touching the back of my own neck. It felt REALLY good. Comforting. Amazing.

Suddenly, I got onto her bed and said 'I want to hug you'. To which she replied 'all right'. We hugged - it felt so good. I let go and touched her arms. They were amazing - I kept touching them over and over. I couldn't get enough of them! At some point I took my shirt off and asked her to touch my back.

She did. She was amazed. She replied something like 'this is awesome!'. She kept on rubbing me, over and over and over - the sensation both foreign and delightful to both of us. Soon after she commented on how she never ever remembered feeling this peaceful. For the first time ever (that she could recall), she had no stress, no anxiety. She almost started crying because she felt so at peace with herself.

Then the revelations started. She started to tell me many personal details about her life (this is the truth serum effect - watch out for it, it does happen). This is stuff she would later tell me that she never would have been able to tell me otherwise. I won't go into any of this here, but unfortunately, some of the revelations were a deeply disturbing (things done to her). On E, it took me a few beats than usual for me to process exactly what she was saying, but once I was on her wavelength, it all got processed. Generally it is much easier to process thoughts on E than, say, pot.

But luckily, these disturbing revelations didn't last long, and we could focus again on the cool E effects. At some point she took off her top - quite lovely - finally I saw what she looked like under that sweatshirt (she did however wear the bra the whole time). They say that MDMA does not, in fact, make users horny. Nevertheless, a pretty girl will still look stunning when I’m on E, and I still want to ... you know. It's just that other sensations take priority.

This is when the SM bit started. I'm a masochist. She's submissive. No matter. I asked her to scratch my back with her nails. How lovely that was. She kept at it forever. Later she would comment about all my skin fragments that were buried beneath her nails. Some of the scratching was so hard it caused bleeding. It was sooo intense, and so fun and so cool. Now, she carried a pocketknife with her for protection. She started to play with it.

I have always had a fascination with getting words, etc, carved into me, but people are afraid to cut me too much. So I asked her if she could cut some words into me. 'Sure,' she said, 'but it is kind of dull'. She was right, it was dull, so she had to press hard. Then she began cutting - her name at first, but letters were tough to form with the dull knife, so it turned into patterns and designs. Now, for sure, MDMA does not make pain go away. But despite this, it was really quite pleasant, and I would definitely do it again. By the time we were done, I had many many many cuts all over my back, stomach, chest, and one arm and shoulder. Luckily the knife was dull enough that it could not go too deep, so the bleeding was minimal.

So that was the highlight of the SM part of the trip :) All throughout the whole SM part, she kept saying 'This is too fun!' over and over again. I'll never forget that. And it was wicked fun!

We had time to have a few other experiences, like feeling the carpet with our feet. The feeling of the carpeting was sooo delightful. Spongy. Way cool.

Then the E faded away. Oh I forgot to mention that after the initial “one each” pill we took, we took another pill each. She didn't think she needed another one (she is 5 foot 3 and I am 5 foot 6), but I wanted her to have another one when I did so that our experience matched up. The MDMA was pure and unlaced, so the extra boost was great. Still, the entire experience could not have been more than 4 hours, although I think it lingered much longer in her than it did me. But that could be because I was on Wellbutrin (an antidepressant), or it could be that she is smaller and lighter than I am.

The next day was Sunday. Sunday wasn't that great of a day. We both became completely inhibited, and we were both very very groggy. But this was to be expected. We commented later to each other that Saturday was so F****** great that the down day on Sunday was worth it. I was actually horny on Sunday, but she was very very nervous, as she would explain to me later. Was that the E? Well maybe partly, but mostly it was that this was her nature. And from the revelations she told me during the trip, I knew exactly why it was so.


Ok, closing remarks:

1) I think pure, unlaced MDMA is wonderful for depressed anxious people to be able to communicate openly (if this is a barrier in the 1st place). It can form a lasting connection. (Ok, I admit I can't know if it is lasting, it was only a few days ago). And yet, we have a bond where one did not exist before. I feel like she and I have been friends forever. But we have not.

[Erowid Note: Ecstasy/Molly tablets are notoriously impure or misrepresented, often containing chemicals other than those they are presumed to contain.]

2) Doing SM on MDMA is unwise. I am covered in cuts, and they may scar (hopefully not). Will I do it again? Absolutely I will - I fully intend to! Without a doubt I think that BDSM activities are even more fun on MDMA than off. Most Ds out there would strongly disagree and are probably upset by this trip report. I am sorry for them, however, and all closed-minded people. Let's hear it for open minded people!!!

3) Having an intimate MDMA experience with two people is just amazing. I have absolutely no desire to do MDMA in a club environment. We both commented that we were very glad it was just the two of us. The experience was so very personal, and with friends it would have simply not been as pleasurable and intimate. No we didn’t have sex (nor was that our intent), but you can definitely experience intimacy without sex, and we did.

Rest assured, this all did happen just as I described it.

Exp Year: 2003	ExpID: 28528
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jun 18, 2006	Views: 26,270
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MDMA (3) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Depression (15), Sex Discussion (14), Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2)