DOSE: T+ 0:00	0.5 tablets	oral	MDMA
T+ 1:00	0.5 tablets	oral	MDMA

BODY WEIGHT:

87 kg

First, some background. I had just finished university. This was very disturbing because I realized that I had outrageously postponed certain changes that I had to make (basically becoming more social and getting a life) and that I had totally missed out on all the fun aspects of university.

I was interested in raves because I had read a lot of good things about raves. It seemed like something I really needed. At the same time I was afraid to go because I knew I wasn't ready for that. I told a friend (who I will now refer to as ) that I'd like to go with him sometime, and so he ended up inviting me to a party with 100-200 people. Basically, I overrode a sense of unease and anxiety and I went anyways.

I had also read a lot about E and I was really impressed with the effects that people describe. I was even more impressed with how some people said that it caused a lasting positive change. I really wished that would happen to me.

suggested that I go sober so that I don't end up getting too impressed with raves and E. (I actually wanted that to happen.) He didn't think I was at risk of a bad trip; he thought that E bad trips happen randomly and that they have probably more to do with something people ate than with set and setting. (I believed him, but in retrospect I'm sure he was wrong.)

When I got there I was anxious. Then I saw that where I got there was just basically a room with some people sitting and standing around and talking and another room with people dancing. I had no clue what to do and that was disturbing. (Note: I hadn't been to anything for any definition of the word 'party' since grade 6 or so.) introduced me to some of his friends but I was like 'What's the point? What do I do now? Why do I care?' I felt like I should leave except that would be even worse. Eventually I calmed down and I got to know some people I was talking to them, and maybe sometimes I made some attempt at dancing.

Basically, I was having a good time, but it wasn't even close to a spectacularly good time. I took E because I really wanted to try it and because I thought it'd let me get past some more insecurities and inhibitions and let me have a better time. I was told to try a half first. This did seem to have some subtle effect... like it did sort of facilitate being social end enjoying the music, but it wasn't much of an effect. I also felt a sort of 'tripping' feeling which wasn't accompanied by any trippy effects. I knew that there must be more to E than that, and so after an hour I took the other half.

The next significant thing I remember is lightly running his fingers through my hair and that felt *really* good. OTOH some of the people I met tried some rolling tricks on me, but it really do much. I danced hand in hand with a girl, I hugged a bunch of people, I danced some more and so on. I was having a good time. I remember dancing and realizing that this sort of thing could really help heal me.

The bad part came soon after this. I became *very* aware of how I had been lonely and I how I was totally starved for any interaction with people and especially any sort of exchange of affection. (I don't mean anything sexual; I guess E sort of turned off that need for the time being). However, I couldn't actually *do* anything... I'd just end up stuck analyzing what to do and what is okay. I just kept hitting that wall over and over again and every time it felt worse.

I also started realizing various things like things that I had kept myself from thinking about were now clear. I really wanted to talk to and tell him some stuff that seemed important. Then I finally talked to him and I started telling him pointless unrelated stuff and giving disclaimers while becoming increasingly upset with myself for not saying what I really meant. I then told him that I loved him. What I meant was that I had fallen in love with him a while ago, but I was just unaware of that. Now it all seemed so clear and I finally somehow managed to communicate that. He understood that and he basically said that he loves me but that he can't ever love me that way. He then kissed me on the cheek. I just felt like I had just done some horrible thing.

These two paragraphs basically are 'the bad part', but nothing I could possibly write could convey how stressful it felt. I think it was the most intense thing I've ever experienced. It's interesting how there was nothing physically special about this; like I didn't do anything bad, there were no consequences, and in any case I've dealt with much worse problems.

It was just that usually I'm very good at blocking emotions and not thinking about something by flooding by brain with useless repetitive thoughts. This is unpleasant but not intense. E didn't let me do any of that; there was no escape; I just had to face everything. E also amplified my emotions. I thought that it would suppress unpleasant 'problem' feelings but intensify pleasant feelings. I was so wrong. Perhaps E encouraged positive feelings but it also amplified anxiety very effectively.

Basically I freaked out internally, but I didn't freak out externally. I talked to various people, watched people dancing, etc. However, I guess I sort of disconnected.

[Erowid Note: Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. Don't do it!]
After I left I started feeling as if something incredibly horrible had happened. I felt like I had blown my last chance. I drove home letting myself microsleep because I didn't care. When I got home I took a shower and I started having some 'micro flashbacks' to random events from the party. I wasn't just remembering the things; it practically felt like being there. This continued as I tried to get some sleep. When I woke up those 'micro flashbacks' were gone but I still felt pretty bad.

Over the next few days I started having longer flashbacks. They'd start with E-like empathogenic effects, then I'd start getting more fucked up and I'd feel like I was tripping, and finally I'd just feel physically sick. I tried to ignore these and that sort of helped. They decreased in intensity and they were gone after a week.

I think that the E let me make some significant progress, but because of the bad part I just backtracked and somehow rebelled against anything related to the experience. I ignored all the realizations. I couldn't stand any music that could be in any way related to raves, and I actually felt like destroying some CDs. I couldn't stand to see people hugging on TV. I thought that everything I saw people do is shallow and unreal.

I had a really hellish week after that trip. My parents contributed to that but having a bad trip on E was definitely a big part of the reason. I re-discovered some of the things I figured out while on E but I still denied a lot of it. By the end of the week I actually stopped feeling terrible and I could enjoy the music.

I seemed to fully recover after the week but the experience greatly discouraged me from making any other attempts to be social. I also couldn't really think about the experience clearly. I mostly just remembered the bad parts. I practically hid all the good parts from myself.
In retrospect the obvious problems were just overriding and ignoring my own objections and taking E as if it was guaranteed to provide the great experience it does for many others. I should have treated it just like any other psychedelic drug. I still don't actually regret doing it. I feel that not doing that because I was uneasy with it would have been worse.

Exp Year: 2000	ExpID: 31505
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jul 12, 2006	Views: 19,556
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