DOSE:

Methamphetamine

BODY WEIGHT:

115 lb

I wrote a personal narrative about ¾ of a year ago entitled something like “The Jealous Lover”. At the time I was struggling with an uncompromising (dare I say it?) addiction to cocaine (hereinafter “Mr. C” because I don’t like the word). I had actually started dabbling with it as a way to stop using Ecstasy. Big, big mistake!!! I found myself using it for nearly two years (in binge fashion) once or twice every week or two. I told myself that because it wasn’t an everyday thing, it was not a real problem BUT it was beginning to interfere with important aspects of my life such as my ability to focus on school (graduate school). I also felt like social interactions were meaningless on the drug. I would find everyone wonderful only to discover the next day that the interactions I’d had only seemed special at the time because my brain was flooded with so much dopamine. The other problem was that I would spend a good 12-24 hours partying with people I didn’t care about and then would require twice that length of time to recover. This robbed me of the resources I needed to both handle my responsibilities and enjoy things in life other than time spent with Mr. C. In short, Mr. C was my highest priority and I couldn’t seem to change that regardless of how much I wanted to.

Mr. C was also interfering with my self-esteem since there were so many times when I broke promises to myself to stop using. A particular weakness that consistently interfered with my willpower was alcohol. So many times, I would begin an evening with an ironclad conviction that I would not end the night in the wee hours of the following morning angry with myself for having broken down AGAIN.

I knew something had to be done about my “problem.” The solution I found was not one I would recommend for anyone but it has worked (so far) for me. It’s certainly not a conventional solution. I have always craved speed-driven experiences and heightened awareness. I can’t imagine life without indulging in this from time to time. The problem with Mr. C was the pitiful ROI – the cost was too great (I had to sacrifice productivity in school/life in order to maintain my relationship with Mr. C.) Also, the high was always so fleeting that it would never let me come down without an excruciating crash that almost always led to binges instead of limited/controlled use.

THEN, I tried Methamphetamine (hereinafter Mr. M). Mr. M is different from Mr. C (in my experience and not implicitly anyone else’s) in the following ways: It doesn’t have a half-life that invariably leads to binging, it allows focus on projects DURING the duration of its high and it doesn’t require such extensive recovery time because of the lack of binging. I took stalk of what needed to happen in my life and concluded that I had to do well in school and didn’t want to depend so heavily on a Mr. Anything. I wanted to feel like it was there for special times but not always calling my name. I didn’t want to give up the occasional speed session either.

My solution was this: I created a set of rules that allows me to indulge in Mr. M only when I devote at least ½ of the time spent speeding on school work and never more than once or twice per month. The result has been a dramatic improvement in my performance at school and a liberation from the debilitating Mr. C. I haven’t even thought about Mr. C in nearly four months – why take a disrespectful selfish lover when you can have one that gives something back instead? This isn’t a perfect solution but I consider it a realistic solution with adequate damage control. I still get my speed rushes, I can control it within rules that I have set and best of all, it gives something back by allowing me to focus intently on school. Again, I wouldn’t advocate this path for anyone who isn’t frighteningly similar to myself but the cycle that held me captive before was unacceptable and this is my creative solution.

Exp Year: 2004	ExpID: 32329
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Aug 9, 2018	Views: 1,694
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Cocaine (13), Methamphetamine (37) : Various (28), Performance Enhancement (50), Retrospective / Summary (11)