DOSE:

1 hit

oral

MDMA

BODY WEIGHT:

170 lb

The first time that I tried ecstasy, there was nothing. I just finished fighting with my girlfriend and I wanted to use Ecstasy as a way of analyzing my feelings. On ecstasy, I felt a slight rush that quickly lost its novelty. To my disappointment, I quickly found myself wanting to sleep, but unable to. Later that night, I went to my girlfriend's dorm and I cuddled up next to her. The next day, I told her about my roll despite anticipating her disapproval. I didn't regret the roll, but it didn't do very much for me. She was upset over my experience and I felt bad for not talking with her first.

The second time I did it, it was off a whim and again because of my girlfriend. I knew my girlfriend didn't approve so in an effort to establish a more autonomous relationship, I told her I wanted to do it again. I requested that she only disapprove after giving me a reason beyond the negative experiences that she's seen. Well, she didn't and she bid me good luck for the night. That night, I went to a 'rave' at a frat. Although the DJ played undancable music, I had a very positive experience. Growing up, I was very repressed. I was a nihilist until about 8th grade and then I was a depressing deconstructionist. When I was on E, I felt completely empathetic. It is very difficult for me to relate to others. This is my defense against a society where people are so repressed and conflicted. On ecstasy, I was indulged. Others understood that I was on drugs and I was allowed to compliment people without worrying what they would think of me. I was given a pass to ignore the social norms. I was in an environment with other intelligent individuals. I could feel their passions and their interests, but I also shared their disappointment.

When the DJ refused to play rave music, I felt sympathy for both the DJ and the complainers. I was also saddened and frustrated by the fact that the DJ was not empathetic. Now that I have the oppurtunity to examine my experience through sobriety, I understand that there is no social sanction against empathy. On E, I understood the social sanctions and I saw different people's anxieties and was able to express with sincerity, my appreciation of their beauty. I didn't go around telling people that I loved them, which I did feel, but I did go around telling people what I wouldn't normally. I wouldn't have told a cop he had beautiful eyes, but I did ask a friend who was down if she was OK. I knew that my relationship with her wasn't very well-established, so I did tell her that I wanted to talk with her more. It was as if all those years of repressing blew up in one night.

I was afraid of empathy, because I saw others repressing their empathy. It's easy to be empathetic on E, but sobriety is more complex. On E all there was was empathy. There are other aspects of my life that are important. I hope that I can embrace the empathy that E has shown me, while balancing my competive nature, my intellectual nature, my spiritual nature and my aesthetic nature. I am grateful for this experience and I would like to maximize the benefits of this knowledge.

I had a good experience and a not so good experience. I believe that the difference between these experiences comes mainly from the difference between my approaches. I believe the a chemical alteration on my body still works only on my body. I believe that the E experience is highly subjective. I was in two different places when I tried those experiences. I was more confident the second time. I was there to make decisions and not to experience enlightenment. Thinking back now, my first approach was irrational. Who is going to teach me other than myself? E is not a God. It's a drug.

Exp Year: 2004	ExpID: 33025
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Apr 23, 2004	Views: 9,226
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MDMA (3) : General (1), Large Group (10+) (19)